pattyj

I have gotten to the point where I rarely talk to my mom because of her drinking. I have never had a very deep relationship with her, unless we were drinking together, because she would use what my sister and I would tell her against us. We learned that very early on in our childhood.
Anyways, for many girls and women they need to talk to their mothers. She should be the first person that daughters want to call about anything good or bad in life. I have never really had that and now that I have made a point to not talk to her all I want to do is call her.
I know from the last time I talked to her that there is a reason why I don't call her or see her. She doesn't listen to me when I am talking, she can't understand what I am saying, needs me to repeat myself and generally doesn't have anything nice to say to me.
But for some reason I am still having a itch to call her. It's similar to that itch to drink in early sobriety. There's a few months in the beginning where you are just uncomfortable with life and want to drink.
I know that I am doing what is best for me and will be grateful for having this distance with her in the future, she is a very toxic person. I am just struggling right now.

SparkleKitty

Hey Patty. I, too, have very limited contact with my mother.

I had to learn to stop looking to the person who had hurt me to be the one to heal me. I had to give myself the permission and space to grieve the mother and the childhood I didn't get to have. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't my fault, and there is nothing that she could ever do or say now that would change the past.

Sending you strength, courage, and hugs.

LexieCat

Have you tried expanding your friendship circle? I know a lot of people who have older women friends who play sort of a "mom" role for advice and support when they don't have a mom available. I had a couple of older women friends at work who did that for me--my mom died when I was 31, before my second son was born.

pattyj

It's funny you say that LexieCat about having older women for friends. I tend to gravitate towards older women at my jobs. A couple of my great friends are women who could be my mom. I talk to them about many things but it's just not the same as the mom that's been in my life since I was born. But it's interesting how these older women show such support of my life choices when all my mom would do is criticize me.
I guess I do need to grieve the loss of that mother and the childhood that I didn't have like SparkleKitty said. Not many people that I have in my life understand what I'm going through. And my sister and brother, while they have spouses and children to keep them busy, are in denial of what is happening with our mom so I'm kind of on my own through this process. And my dad struggles with codependency with my mom and possible divorce. I just need to stop looking for approval from my mom when I know that I'm never going to get it.
I thought I was fine for awhile, until I had a long conversation with my dad and admitted to him that I didn't want a relationship with my mom. While my dad is very supportive of that, it kind of threw everything to the forefront again.

LexieCat

I'm not suggesting it's the SAME as having your own mom be there for you, but she can't be, and yes--you do need to grieve that. Still, lean on those friends who CAN do some of that for you. You need and deserve it.

Hugs,

pattyj

Thank you so much LexieCat. It's nice to know that there are people out there who have gone through the same situation.

maia1234

Patty, you are not alone. There are so many threads about adult children of alcoholics. You all have been hurt by an alcoholic parent and no one was there for you. You have a lot to morn, its very sad.

Have you ever been to an alanon meeting. You can really learn a lot. Hugs my friend, they are good people that have a terrible disease.

dandylion

pattiJ......I also want to mention Adult Children of Alcoholics to you. I suggest that you see if there is a meeting in your location.....
There is a forum, here, on SR. also...
There are also online meetings that you might join.....

for sure, you would find a kindred group who are in your same shoes and have an understanding beyond words.....

Alanon is good, also...for anyone who has suffered from having an alcoholic in their lives.....Adult Children of Alcoholics is more specific to what you are addressing, here, I think......

You really do need to get support for yourself....I know that your heart is is a lot of pain.....and, this path is just too hard to walk alone.....and, you don't HAVE to!!

dandylion

happybeingme

I went no contact with my mother over a year ago. I wrote about it on the Adult Children's forum here. It is tough in the beginning. I became very obsessed in the beginning. Thinking about her almost nonstop. But, it gradually got better. I have no regrets regarding my decision and really consider it to be one of the best decisions I ever made.

pattyj

I have been to many alanon meetings and many of the members have spouses or children who are the alcoholic, not a parent. I will look for Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. I think I will definitely relate to those meetings more.

I do have a lot of pain in my heart and it's just going to take time to get over it. I am obsessed too, Happybeingme, and I almost can't think of anything else but her and calling her. But I know that, just like early sobriety, I just have to sit with those feelings, feel them, and it will get better.

I am a disaster when I know I have to see my mom and it takes days to recover. So I am a much happier person when I don't have her in my life. It's just hard right now.