ItsJustMe89

This is going to sound ridiculous but my mind cant help these random thoughts and I need to start sharing my thoughts and feelings. To start, I have not quit drinking yet. I am tapering down and making a plan about how and when I am going to quit.

That being said, I am going to be really honest here. This is personal so I am sorry if I am being way too personal. The truth is, I have not had sex since june 19 2014. I don't know why I remember the specific date... probably because it was on my mom's birthday so it is an easy date to remember. And I have not been in an actual relationship since a long time before that. And now I am preparing to get back into recovery which will mean that it is wise and recommended that I do not get into a relationship for the first year. I will have much more important, yet much less fun and comforting things to focus on then a friend with benefits or boy friend. I know that. But it has already been a dry spell for a year and 7 months. If I add another year onto that, I will have not had sex in 2 years and 7 months! I feel like I will never have sex again! I feel like I am a born again virgin without intentionally wanting that to happen. And it is not as much about the sex as it is about just desperately missing the connection and comfort that comes from being in a relationship with someone. I miss having someone to talk to, fall asleep with, hug me and hold me and cuddle with.

And now I am going to go back to AA and back into early recovery which is so lonely, uncomfortable, and feels like a smack in the face from the cold hard reality of life. And I am going into it all alone. And will be told not to date because it is a distraction and can threaten my sobriety and that I need to be focusing on sobriety and not dating.

I just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. I cant see the point in the far off distance where I might be really happy and content. maybe I never will again. I am sad.

sugarbear1

My sponsor told me the only relationship I needed in the first year of sobriety was one with a power greater than me. I made it almost 3 years before I started to date.

I started dating a man I had been friends with for those almost 3 years (he wasn't the first person I dated)....been dating for 2 years now.....we don't live together and we do see each other when possible with two busy schedules (the gifts of sobriety!).

You are worth the wait. Do it for you, get to know you and what you want from a significant other. You won't be disappointed!!

Venecia

It's understandable to feel alone and frightened at the beginning of sobriety. And humans desire the company of other humans, both on a friendship level and more intimate ones.

This topic came up a few days ago and the response I offered is posted below. On some level, too, we have to ask ourselves what we bring to the table, what we would offer another person. If we're actively alcoholic, or in the earliest days of sobriety, is it fair to another?

This isn't forever. Giving yourself the time to heal and build strong foundations in a life of recovery will pay off greatly in the long run.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5766743

Dee74

I think you have to try and not jump too far ahead. Live each day as it comes.
Things have a way of working out - trust me.

Put your recovery first now - I know it's a leap of faith but it's not a really big risk..many of us have done this.

Put your recovery first and everything else will follow

D

ScottFromWI

Do you really think you could give all that's needed to maintain a healthy relationship right now? I understand the lonliness, many of us have been there before and it's no fun. But in reality, it's nearly impossible to commit to a relationship when you can't even commit to qutting drinking. You really do need to make quitting and getting sober your number one priority. Good things will happen if you do that first.

Thumpalumpacus

The emotional complications from a romantic relationship and/or sexual intimacy make recovery more difficult, it seems to me. As much as loneliness can hurt, having emotional complications from a relationship can be even harder. Your sobriety is the most important thing.

I'm going through enforced singlehood right now, and entering early recovery alone sucks, but I've found that my feelings are settling down now as I've gotten distance from the relationship. I feel stronger as a person for not having to worry about how she might react to my emotional tensions, or possible slip-ups and whatnot. My sobriety is the most important thing.

And the point above, about fairness to any potential partner, is very apt. At some point or another you'll have to lay your recovery process bare, at which point she might feel skeptical about being with someone going through it (and hurt your feelings by pulling back), or she might feel tricked if you haven't told her early on (with the same result), or ... well, you get the drift -- it's one of those things where there are many pitfalls and only one successful result. Best not to chance those odds in such a delicate time as early recovery. Recovery is about changing and growing as people. Grow into your new shoes before stepping out to dance with someone else.

Coldfusion

I think the thing to avoid in early sobriety is major changes. If you haven't been in a relationship for a while, then starting a new relationship would be a big change and something to avoid.

ZeldaFan

Since you were so open in your post, I will open up a bit as well. I haven't had sex since August of 2009 and have not been in a relationship since then. I made attempts at dating for a few years from 2010 - 2012 but it always ended badly and rarely made it past the first date. Drinking was too much of a priority for me to work on trying to be a boyfriend to someone. I started drinking heavily after that relationship ended in 2009 and that drinking led me to where I am today. So when you say you've been in a dry spell, it could be far worse.

Even with that much time since my last intimate relationship, I'm not going to make any attempt to date for some time. At least a year if not more. My health and sobriety are priority number one for me right now. I want to make sure I'm in a position where I can be the best version of myself before I bring someone into my life. It's what's best for me and what's fair to the person I eventually date.

You have to take care of yourself first. Once you've accomplished that, everything else can start to fall into place. Don't worry about how long it's been or obsess over the lack of companionship. Believe me when I say I know how lonely it gets. I've been living that for years and years by my own doing thanks to drinking. Now I'm doing it by my own doing for the right reasons. I suggest you do the same.

I wish you the best as you begin your sober journey and be well!

StayStrong33

My sponsor didn't suggest that I take a year off but I decided to do it anyway. I knew it was a good idea to step back from always wanting/needing someone else to make me feel complete. It never really worked anyway. In fact sex made me almost just as crazy as alcohol did. That's because I was using it to fill a void that only spiritual healing could fill. Taking a year to completely focus on my health and sobriety was the best decision I've made. A year from now, I don't think you'll look back with regrets about times you should have had sex but didn't.

SoberinSyracuse

Don't worry -- there's a bright future ahead for you and it includes romance. When you're getting sober you're going through a big change so give it time to "take" and to become "normal." Once you're on the other side, the quality of person you'll attract will be much better than you ever could have dreamed! Savor this time that you spend with yourself.

doggonecarl

You've had a dry spell the whole time you drank. But now that recovery looms ahead, you're worried about intimacy. Something isn't lining up.

tomsteve

sex is a temporary fix.

lonely,uncomfortable, and the reality of life being cold hard are choices- choices i have to change.
until i could love myself,be comfortable in my own skin, and be ok and comfortable being by myself there was absolutely no way i could be happy, which at one time i lied to myself thinking i loved myself, but i couldnt be by myself, which meant i didnt love myself.
i can be by myself today. im single, have been for quite a while, plan on staying that way, and am extremely happy. dating happens, but not a necessity.
thanks to the program.

tomsteve

think about this.
just one of the few excusus ya got for not stopping drinking.

Hawkeye13

The sooner you quit drinking the sooner you can heal and find
a quality relationship.
Don't use lack of intimacy as an excuse to keep drinking.

Quit now--you won't regret it

Berrybean

You don't need to be lonely. One thing you can get started on, is finding some quality (sober) female friends and start getting out and about having fun with them. I was really lucky and have made some wonderful friends in AA. Also, as I became less fearful / anxious I was able to start participating in other activities which are great for meeting new friends.

Thumpalumpacus

If he is like many of us, he was using the alcohol to replace the intimacy.

ItsJustMe89

Its not as if I wasn't worried about wanting to be with someone this whole time. Even long before I started thinking about getting sober again. I have been on dating sites like okc and match and have gone on a few dates from that. And for a long time before I was trying online dating, I was still hung up on my ex who I also worked with. So the fact that I was holding on to an old relationship stopped me from moving on.

My point is just that my dry spell didn't suddenly become an issue as soon as recovery was looming.


I have to correct you because you have referred to me as a "he" in multiple posts.... I am a SHE. I know, hard to believe that females are concerned about dating and sex but come to find out, we are human too lol.

ru12

Well ... It is YOUR decision to date or not. i don't think the Big Book says you shouldn't date for a year. But really, do you think you need the added stress of a new relationship as you begin sobriety? I was a hot mess when I first got sober.

ItsJustMe89

I know it is not the right time to be dating and starting a relationship. I know that if I can get sober and actually stay sober this time, it will be a miracle. The last thing I need is something to distract me or add extra stress. Getting sober is a process of going through major changes and I will be a become a different person then who I am now. The person I choose to have a relationship with later will be nothing like the person I might choose now.

I agree with most of the feedback you all have given. I guess that its just sad to think that I have such a long way to go before I will be ready for dating. But I do want to give myself the time I will need to focus on myself.

digdug

At my sponsor's suggestion I waited a year (well, almost a year), before I started dating again. It was well worth it. Plus, he made the point that I was really undatable at that point. I brought nothing to the table in terms of being a stable partner. In that first year, I learned a lot about being a sober adult, a man and someone who can be depended upon and supportive.

To deal with the loneliness in early sobriety, it was suggested to me to use AA as a means to make meaningful and intimate PLANTONIC relationships with other AAs. Not only did it help me deal with the loneliness because I was able to build up a solid support system of trusting, sober friends who were there for me, but it was good practice to be able to open up to people and really communicate on a deeper level than I did with prior friends I drank and used with.

The good news - after about 11 months of sobriety, I met an awesome person and have had the best, most successful relationship of my life (she's not in AA but drinks only about 1-2 times a year). We live together now and are planning to get married this year. There is no drama, manipulation or low-blow fighting, because I learned how to avoid that stuff in that first year of sobriety. I now bring something worthwhile to the table and I can be the partner I always wanted to be.

Good luck to you!