purpleguitar

a few months back I met a guy and we really hit it off. we have great chemistry, laugh all the time together, both share a passion for music and can stay up the whole night talking about anything... we fell fast for each other... he explained to me his past with drugs, but told me he's almost been clean for two years and wants so much more from life... in November he got in a bad car crash. he broke his hip and now has a huge scar across his face. he is lucky to be alive. since this crash he's been feeling more and more depressed because he's been out of work and he feels like even when everything goes right there's always something that will go wrong. the other night he confessed to me that using drugs has been on his mind and he's scared.. I told him he's better than that.. then today he called me crying and told me he spent the day yesterday shooting up cocaine and he regrets it and hates himself and loves me and doesn't want to loose me and can't believe he did that when today would have been his two years sober date... he even had flowers be sent to my house with a card asking for forgiveness... he's telling me he knows he can do better and never wants to do that again and he just felt like crap the whole time... I'm so scared! I've never dealt with anything like this before... I'm afraid to give my all into someone and then a few years down the road they would just do this all over... I don't want someone who I always have to worry about and wonder if they're going to go out and do drugs or if they're going to lie and hide things... I'm happy he told me the truth, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around how he could just do this to himself and me when he knew I would be hurt.... ugh, any advice on what to do!?

Priscilla84

Knowing you would be hurt has nothing to do with anything. Relapsing doesn't happen after a sit-down at the kitchen table pouring over a carefully crafted pro/con list.

If addicts could take facts into consideration and abstain based on logic, most people here wouldn't need to be here. His using wasn't a slight to you, it wasn't anything to you. It was an unfortunate succumbing to the nature of addiction, based on little thought process at all.

The relationship is young. What you do is take a step back, slow down, detach from any deep enmeshment with him, and see what happens- all while educating yourself on addiction, attending Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings, and accepting that this is very risky for you and not likely to have a "happily ever after" ending. Or you have compassion for him but end the relationship and take comfort in the fact that you won't have to live on a roller coaster of fear and anxiety, because addiction is never fully cured and this man will always be susceptible to relapse. You don't have to make a decision right away, but I do suggest you begin reading up on addiction and learning all you can so you can arm yourself with the information you will need to deal with this or move past it. Obviously you have started that process by posting here, so good on ya.

Many of us have been where you are. You aren't alone. I hope you find some comfort in that.

Ann

I agree with Priscilla, take a good read around and you will see what life with an active addict is like, and yes, although some stay clean forever, many struggle off and on all their lives, my son is one of those who struggle, and it sounds like so is this fella.

Advice? You sound very emotionally wrapped up in this right now, the flowers, the tears, the honesty probably won't last, then the lies and the blame will begin. This may be a good time to take a giant step back and regain your balance.

Like Priscilla suggested, meetings have helped many of us here find clarity and balance again and I am pretty sure they would help you. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that literally saved my life. Maybe find some meetings in your area and give them a try. Try a few and go back for a few weeks and find the one that feels right for you. I was lucky, my first meeting was wonderful and even though I only wept my first 3 meetings, I found support and comfort there with people who truly understood.

I'm glad you are reaching out and hope you find your balance soon.

Hugs

Priscilla84

Keep these valuable sayings in mind:

"He's not doing it to you, he's just doing it."

And as for why...

"Because he's an addict, and that's what addicts do."

AnvilheadII

trust me, when he had that rig fired up he was NOT thinking about you....or anything else. and he certainly did not to this TO you. it just FEELS that way.

as you've only been dating a few months and now he has relapsed big time, i'd really suggest you ease back and let him work this out. a relapse often leads to more using, even if the addict says they do not WANT to use. it's the nature of the beast, the monster has been fed and now wants MORE.

you have every right to protect yourself, to the exclusion of trying to HELP him. as you have zero experience with drug addiction or the recovery from addiction, this isn't in your wheel house - NOR should it be. you are under no obligation to fix this or attempt to guide him to a different choice.

-from a former crack addict.

LostinLove22

It has absolutely nothing to do with you. He's an addict. Learn more about addiction to help yourself and your pain. If this is too much then maybe a relationship with an addict is too much for you. There is going to be the chance of relapse for the rest of his life, which could turn to full blown using again. Are you prepared for that possible scenario, are you equipped to help him and not enable him? Addiction is tough to have in a relationship so take a step back and rethink your life, your future. Does this fit in... Harsh reality:/

teatreeoil007

Yes, it is most always hurtful when you find things out about someone that disappoints you; we've all been there and done that. We've all been burned. When find out stuff about people that make it hard to trust...In small or big matter; if they are going to lie about one thing, will they be truthful about other things?

As far as giving my "all" to another human being: I may be jaded and/or cynical, but gone are the days I give my all anyone but God...and by giving my all to God I am true to the authentic me who He created and then will will attract people into my life who are good for me.

zoso77

purpleguitar...

Welcome to the Board. I'm thankful a couple of our heavyweight members -- Ann and Anvil -- have already given you feedback. And Priscilla also speaks truth. So I don't have much to add, save this:

Use your head, not your heart.

If you stick around here, you will soon come to appreciate what I mean.

Be safe, keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.