My partner can't take disilfurum yet, is he enabling himself?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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My partner can't take disilfurum yet, is he enabling himself?
My partner had previously had problems with alcohol before meeting me. We met in 2008 and he was on disilfurum at the time. He went off of this after a few months as he thought he could handle drinking again. As I'd only just met him I didn't know any differently so accepted that he thought he'd be ok. We then went through a few years of him abusing alcohol, suffering withdrawal seizures which would put him in hospital for days as he'd fall and severely hurt his head, I also had him brought home to my flat on one occasion by the police for "disrupting the peace" as he'd passed out in public while I'd been at uni.
However ironic it is, I'd actually got to know my partner, as my mum was an abusive alcoholic and he gave me some sanity from her.
So eventually he went into a detox facility, came out on disilfurum and was amazing to be around. I know I'm stupid but after a year I agreed with him that he might be able to casually drink and so on our first holiday abroad he had a drink. He himself said that he knew straight away it was a mistake as everyday he was thinking about the next drink. Which broke my heart.
So here we are 10 months later where he continues to drink behind my back. He admitted a couple of months ago he needs help so he sees a counsellor once a week and attends an alanon group each Thursday. He wants to be put back on disilfurum however his liver counts too high. I feel that he continues to drink a lot though, saying he'll stop when he's on the pills but damn well knowing that he can't go on the pills til he stops drinking, I hope not but I think he's happy to be caught in the middle of this cycle.
He has said himself that there's nothing wrong in his life, he's fine not drinking for days when we're together, but as soon as he's by himself he can't help himself. Has anyone else experienced this?
Tonight was particularly horrible, he had a prior commitment and couldn't make it cos I knew he'd been drinking, so had to make up an excuse for him (again!). He then punched a hole in the wall cos I wouldn't let him leave. I know a lot of alcoholics drink to numb pain as my mum did, but what do you do when the alcoholic is saying there's nothing wrong but it's what they do when they're on their own (as evidenced by the fact my partner didn't drink the last 4 days we were together and was fine, but the first day by himself he does this)?
However ironic it is, I'd actually got to know my partner, as my mum was an abusive alcoholic and he gave me some sanity from her.
So eventually he went into a detox facility, came out on disilfurum and was amazing to be around. I know I'm stupid but after a year I agreed with him that he might be able to casually drink and so on our first holiday abroad he had a drink. He himself said that he knew straight away it was a mistake as everyday he was thinking about the next drink. Which broke my heart.
So here we are 10 months later where he continues to drink behind my back. He admitted a couple of months ago he needs help so he sees a counsellor once a week and attends an alanon group each Thursday. He wants to be put back on disilfurum however his liver counts too high. I feel that he continues to drink a lot though, saying he'll stop when he's on the pills but damn well knowing that he can't go on the pills til he stops drinking, I hope not but I think he's happy to be caught in the middle of this cycle.
He has said himself that there's nothing wrong in his life, he's fine not drinking for days when we're together, but as soon as he's by himself he can't help himself. Has anyone else experienced this?
Tonight was particularly horrible, he had a prior commitment and couldn't make it cos I knew he'd been drinking, so had to make up an excuse for him (again!). He then punched a hole in the wall cos I wouldn't let him leave. I know a lot of alcoholics drink to numb pain as my mum did, but what do you do when the alcoholic is saying there's nothing wrong but it's what they do when they're on their own (as evidenced by the fact my partner didn't drink the last 4 days we were together and was fine, but the first day by himself he does this)?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Antabuse is intended to be used only as a short-term measure to get someone on the PATH to recovery. I assume you mean he attends an AA meeting once a week? Al-Anon is for friends/family, not for alcoholics trying to quit drinking.
You mention his enabling himself--you can't do anything about that, but you can stop your OWN enabling (making excuses on his behalf). And why aren't you letting him leave? I'm not sure what "not letting him leave" involves--if he wants to drive drunk, you can call the police to report it.
Are you going to Al-Anon? You are making yourself crazy trying to control someone else's behavior. That NEVER works.
Oh, and welcome--I see you're brand new. Read the stickies up top and keep reading here. Everything that SEEMS like it would be helpful basically isn't, when you're dealing with someone else's alcoholism.
You mention his enabling himself--you can't do anything about that, but you can stop your OWN enabling (making excuses on his behalf). And why aren't you letting him leave? I'm not sure what "not letting him leave" involves--if he wants to drive drunk, you can call the police to report it.
Are you going to Al-Anon? You are making yourself crazy trying to control someone else's behavior. That NEVER works.
Oh, and welcome--I see you're brand new. Read the stickies up top and keep reading here. Everything that SEEMS like it would be helpful basically isn't, when you're dealing with someone else's alcoholism.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Sorry I must be using alanon wrong,,,he goes to SMART meetings which I think are similar to AA meetings.
I've been dealing with this on and off since I was 20, it's painful. My partner said to his counsellor that he thinks I would've left if it wasn't for the fact I have no one to go to. I don't know if this is giving him reassurance that he continue with his habits. Tonight I've actually started looking at homes in the area I can rent. Although I know even if I move out I'll be worried about him, he was told a couple years ago if he kept going he'd be dead in a year to which I broke down. He then asked why I was upset.
If I did leave it'd be his mum I'd leave with the responsibility of worrying about him, but her husband is currently dying from cancer. I don't feel I can do this.
I'm 25 and I have had to deal with an alcoholic mother, and am now dealing with my partner, I don't know what to do
I've been dealing with this on and off since I was 20, it's painful. My partner said to his counsellor that he thinks I would've left if it wasn't for the fact I have no one to go to. I don't know if this is giving him reassurance that he continue with his habits. Tonight I've actually started looking at homes in the area I can rent. Although I know even if I move out I'll be worried about him, he was told a couple years ago if he kept going he'd be dead in a year to which I broke down. He then asked why I was upset.
If I did leave it'd be his mum I'd leave with the responsibility of worrying about him, but her husband is currently dying from cancer. I don't feel I can do this.
I'm 25 and I have had to deal with an alcoholic mother, and am now dealing with my partner, I don't know what to do
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Which is why you need to go to Al-Anon. Living with an alcoholic is crazy-making. Al-Anon can help you to clear your head so you can make good choices for yourself.
It isn't your job to worry about him any more than it is his mum's. Lots of us worried about, and took care of, everyone but ourselves. It doesn't help anything--all we do is burn ourselves out.
He is not motivated to change a thing because as far as he's concerned, everything is OK.
You don't have to decide anything this minute in terms of leaving/staying. For right now, take ONE step to help yourself, and find an Al-Anon meeting. It will be a HUGE relief to talk to other people who GET what it is you're dealing with.
It isn't your job to worry about him any more than it is his mum's. Lots of us worried about, and took care of, everyone but ourselves. It doesn't help anything--all we do is burn ourselves out.
He is not motivated to change a thing because as far as he's concerned, everything is OK.
You don't have to decide anything this minute in terms of leaving/staying. For right now, take ONE step to help yourself, and find an Al-Anon meeting. It will be a HUGE relief to talk to other people who GET what it is you're dealing with.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Cattttt,
I just wanted to say welcome and to second Lexie's advice. Have you read around on this site, for example the "stickies" at the top? Even if you don't go to Al Anon, I think you'll learn a lot about alcoholism and enabling here. It's probably not a coincidence that you have a partner who was like your mom, unfortunately. And, as many here have told me, only the person with the addiction can choose (or not) to change.
Take care, and keep posting.
I just wanted to say welcome and to second Lexie's advice. Have you read around on this site, for example the "stickies" at the top? Even if you don't go to Al Anon, I think you'll learn a lot about alcoholism and enabling here. It's probably not a coincidence that you have a partner who was like your mom, unfortunately. And, as many here have told me, only the person with the addiction can choose (or not) to change.
Take care, and keep posting.
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