I pushed my recovering boyfriend away

Old 01-29-2016, 06:34 AM
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I pushed my recovering boyfriend away

hello. I met my boyfriend in November of 2014. I am divorced and have a 5 year old daughter. He was 27 I was 32. We met one night and found out we have very similar upbringings. Our families knew each other and were in similar fields of work. He worked for his father construction company. When we first started dating I had zero experience with addiction. That being said I thought something was off about him but attributed it to him being in an accident and a coma from when he was young. Come January he told me he had to go away for a month to help sell one of his families home. Found out a few weeks from him that he was actually in rehab for pills. He wrote me letters and begged me to stand by him. He told me he never felt this way before and he realized what he could have with me and needed to change. He promised me love promised me a life and a family after my ex husband cheated on me and left me for a girl 10 years younger (they are getting married in June). He got out of rehab I February and he was great. Fast forward to July. He had relapsed into full addiction and was back in rehab. Same thing I love you you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I love your daughter. I took him back again. I dove into getting educated about addiction and how I could help. I told him about the vivitrol shot. He got out of rehab and was put on house arrest by his parents because they found out he has started doing heroin this time because he couldn't afford the pills. For a couple of months he wasn't allowed to be alone or go out without anyone except me. He would go to outpatient and he got the vivitrol shot. I lost myself in making sure he was ok. Come November he started going out and hanging out with his friends again. I would be very nervous. I would track his cell phone and check his email. Then from what I though was out of the blue in the beginning of December he told me he needed space to focus on himself. He wanted to miss me. He told me he was still mine. I couldn't take it and I told him that this isn't what you do to people you love so we started our relationship where we left off. Then two weeks ago he went out with his friends and didn't call or text me when he got home. Before he went out he changed all of his passwords so I couldn't track him. I asked him to please not drink when he went out because the day before was my birthday and he had 3 beers. I was always asking him where he was where he went did he drink did he talk to anyone. I was always asking him to text or call me. When we were together we were fine. He seemed to love me. When he left me is when I got crazy. I was insecure and scared of loosing him because I loved him more then I loved anyone besides my daughter in the world. But I felt him pushing me away and I just pushed that much harder to have him in my life. So that Sunday after he changed his passwords he texted me "morning " and I called him. I told him I couldn't take it any more. He had changed and I feel like he doesn't care about me. He told me that he needed time for himself. Freedom. And I told him I need to find myself again. This time it wasn't a break. It was a break up. We don't talk. He did text me some meaningless hey what are you doing during the blizzard last week but I was very short and kind of ended the conversation. What do I do now. I'm trying so hard to focus on myself for the first time in my life but as a single mom it's hard. I miss him and I want him back when we both have time to get grounded and centered. I'm just so scared that he's going to meet someone. I'm so scared that he is going to find someone with less baggage and fall in love. Did he only love me because he was high and now he is clean and getting his feelings back and realizes that he never loved me? I worry about him so much everyday and I don't know if he is clean or hurting or anything. Do they really need space if they love you or has he made up his mind and just told me that to let me down easy? I'm sorry there's just so many questions I can't think straight. Thank you.
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Old 01-29-2016, 03:21 PM
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Ann
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What do I do now. I'm trying so hard to focus on myself for the first time in my life but as a single mom it's hard.
Welcome to SR, I'm sorry for the heartache that brought you here.

I haven't had time to get to know you but reading your posts tends to make me think this is a toxic relalationship, bad from the start...but perhap you feel the need for some kind of relationship to fill the void left by your ex? There is nothing good happening here, he has told you he wants space and it's not healthy to try to track him down or even to try to change him in any way.

This might be a good time to heal all your wounds, from the breakup and from the unhealthy way this has affected you.

There is a very good fellowship called CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), which is a 12 step program similar to Al-anon and Nar-anon but which may be the better choice because it does a lot of work on healing ourselves and learning healthy behaviours for living our lives...whether or not we have a loved one who is addicted or alcoholic.

It was my fellowship for almost 10 years, until I moved away from the area, but what I learned there has served me well in all aspects of my life.

Also, there is a wonderful book called Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty that I highly recommend. It has helped many of us here figure out why we are the way we are and what we can do to make healthy choices in our lives.

I'm glad you found us and hope you stick around. You are not alone here and others will be along to share their own experience, strength and hope with you too.

Hugs
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Old 01-29-2016, 04:51 PM
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Hi and welcome. From the sounds of it you are going through a very hard time. But overall, you sound like a nice person and a good mom. He has a serious problem that he needs to take of and it's good he is trying to do that. Try not to worry about him falling in love with someone else. He is likely just concentrating very hard on his recovery and that is taking up a lot of his time. People in early recovery don't feel too sociable and outgoing sometimes. They are battling with it and it's not easy.. Take care of yourself and your daughter the best you can and be good to yourself. I know this is hard, but you can get through it. It will be alright.
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Old 01-29-2016, 07:58 PM
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"*I'm so scared that he is going to find someone with less baggage and fall in love"

This makes me sad you feel this way...you seem like a great mom and a caring person, with a beautiful daughter. That's not baggage. I know it hurts like hell but you cannot control him or his wishes, step back, honor his wishes and whatever happens is what's meant to be. However you must take care of you. I highly recommend the book by Melody Beattie which Ann recommended. Take care
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Old 01-30-2016, 05:02 AM
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thank you all for your posts. I cant help but feel used and unloved. How can someone who after all i did for him just turn around and leave? Whatever it is, I am refocusing on myself and trying to love myself for the first time. I will make better choices in the future what ever it may be. I am truly blessed in my life and that is all that matters. It just hurts so much being used and thrown away again and that is hard to get over.
I just hope this wasn't a lie to get me out of his life because he doesn't love me anymore now that he got his feelings back.
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Old 03-09-2016, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz View Post
"*I'm so scared that he is going to find someone with less baggage and fall in love"

This makes me sad you feel this way...you seem like a great mom and a caring person, with a beautiful daughter. That's not baggage. I know it hurts like hell but you cannot control him or his wishes, step back, honor his wishes and whatever happens is what's meant to be. However you must take care of you. I highly recommend the book by Melody Beattie which Ann recommended. Take care
I agree! I find it sad too. Well, baggage has such a negative connotation. Maybe I should do away with that word, idk...Everyone has 'issues'. Yes, it may seem that some peoples' issues are more numerous and severe than others and it may seem that people have more patience/tolerance for person "B's" issues, but won't even entertain person "C's" issues. Some people like to suck us into their issues and if they appeal to us, there we are: sucked in before we even know it. Just because people have issues does not mean they are not charming and don't also have many other numerous qualities. But, don't knock yourself. Sure, it's your stuff to own and live with and such...you're not trying to pawn your 'baggage' off on others or use it to manipulate. Oh, the manipulation. I've been manipulated. And I've also manipulated others, which I'm not proud of, but it's almost like a default setting: it's about getting your needs met. And, if we were raised to not be forthright and assertive and direct, we were intrinsically "taught" to manipulate. We see manipulation so readily in others, but often do not see how manipulative we have been or are being. In yet other cases we can see how someone else is being manipulated, but don't see when we ourselves are being manipulated. I think an atmosphere of safe honesty helps people to avoid being manipulative and instead be direct. But an atmosphere in which honesty is not supported, for whatever reason, breeds manipulation. I'm rambling now, I suppose. In some cases, manipulation is basically just a way of producing in others the behaviors we want them to have.
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Old 03-09-2016, 12:00 PM
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How can someone who after all i did for him just turn around and leave?

the harsh answer? you offered, he took. and felt no further obligation to stick around just because.....

see this is why WE have to be so careful about our HELPING others.....because rarely do we do so without EXPECTING something in return. I will do all <<this>> for you and you in return will love me forever and stay by my side. we may not think that consciously, but it is there.......

so unless at the outset you two had a signed contract that clearly stated what you would do FOR him and then what in turn he would DO for you...........all bets are off.

did he "use" you? yes, but he also used what you freely offered. did he then "suddenly" decide he needs his FREEDOM and split? yes, but you too had reached your own breaking point.

trying to get LOVE from an addict is active addiction is like trying to cuddle with a tasmanian devil or hug a porcupine. there might be a living breathing warm blooded creature in there, but you are going to get pretty beat up TRYING to get close. your life just does not need the insanity. in fact, from here on out CHOOSE sanity....CHOOSE the sane wise course, for you and for your child.
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Old 03-09-2016, 10:30 PM
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AnvilheadII, you know what you are talking about and you express it clearly.

I was glad to read your post.
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Old 03-10-2016, 01:03 AM
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I was so angry when Anvilhead first said what she thought about my relationship. Ann too.
They were totally right. There is hope like winning the California lottery, Care about yourself first now and act accordingly today. Don't be me in 2017 wondering why you f'd up.
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