On Making Amends
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
On Making Amends
Hi SR friends,
I already have a post concerning one of my closest "qualifiers" - my sister. She is currently deeply deeply depressed and is not sober.
My AS stayed with me for several days during the Christmas holiday. I did not have booze in my home. (We did go out to eat a couple of times with others - and during these times she had a couple of glasses of wine - at each meal. ) This is a boundary I have in my home when she is here; no alcohol around.
Anyways, while she was here, a friend stopped by for a little while. When I went inside to get my friend her gift and a cup of coffee, my friend and my sister chatted.
Days later after my sister had left, my friend came over and mentioned how depressed my sister looked and acted and talked.
Then she mentioned that my sister said that our life as teens wasn't the best. (No kidding....) We are ACOA's.
Then she said that I was the lucky one because I got to go to more places, dances, etc. than she did. Made it sound like she was stuck at home, working like a slave, etc.
My memory tells me this is partly true.
Yes, I did get to "escape" from the chaos - probably more than her because I am a more "friendly" type than her. ( I had more friends.)
However, I never was allowed to "go" - unless I had done the chores my rage-aholoic mother insisted that I had completed - before I left. And I did have my "chores" done - before I ESCAPED from my home for an occasional dance or function. (My codependent mother, in hindsight - may have also been a functioning A .)
Sad to say; as the Smother Brothers used to say:
Our Mom did like my Sister Best.
And our dad liked me best. Ughhh......
And our dad was around me much more, and did some crazy things like french-kiss me, and more. (I have talked about this in therapy.)
My dad had almost nothing to do with my sister. Especially since she was always hanging around our mom. THIS is probably another reason why I was away from home more.
We both grew up to be responsible adults - and we both married and divorced alcoholics. And had a fairly "ok" relationship with each other as adults. That is, until she and her now-ex-husband (2nd one) - moved out of state - over 10 years ago. She is now back in this state
She is now an alcoholic.
I am a co-dependent with many serious autoimmune health issues.
And I can't seem to keep my posts SHORT.
MY QUESTION IS THIS:
It seems as if my sister still has a resentment because of how we "survived" in our dysfunctional/alcoholic (s@xually abusive - for me) home.
Should I bring this issue up with her?
And apologize for doing what I had to do - to survive in our home?
I did my chores, and then was gone for school activities and time with friends. I even took a job in my senior year and provided funds for my siblings to be able to do "things" that our parents could not afford. (During my teen years.)
I did what I had to do at home - (chores) and then I LEFT for a few hours a week. (I am more of an extrovert.)
Also to this day, I have never discussed - with my sister - the french-kissing and "other" things that happened between my dad and me.
She did what she had to do at home - (chores) and then she STAYED at home most of the time. (She is more of an introvert.) She also got to hang with my mom more, and learn things from her. Things I never got to do. I wanted that closeness with my mom, but I just accepted that she liked my sister more.
And sadly; we BOTH married VERY young. To ESCAPE our homes.
We are not young! This is talking - 40 years ago!!!
My sister is currently in the throes of a deep depression.
I wonder if talking this over might help her?
I would be more than glad to make amends for this situation - which I never knew bothered her so much.
I would explain how I see this situation and tell her I am sorry that she felt she had to carry the "load" more because I was going to dances and had some time away at my best friend's family cabin in the mountains......
Or do any of you think discussing this might make her more depressed? Would she feel bad because my friend told me about their discussion? My friend thought my sister really had a "grudge" against me for this situation. OMG - over 40 years ago.
I don't want to make an amend that would "harm" her.
Thanks for any insight. Yep, walking on eggshells right now.
But I want to do the right thing.
And I don't have a sponsor right now; I had one; she passed away.
I already have a post concerning one of my closest "qualifiers" - my sister. She is currently deeply deeply depressed and is not sober.
My AS stayed with me for several days during the Christmas holiday. I did not have booze in my home. (We did go out to eat a couple of times with others - and during these times she had a couple of glasses of wine - at each meal. ) This is a boundary I have in my home when she is here; no alcohol around.
Anyways, while she was here, a friend stopped by for a little while. When I went inside to get my friend her gift and a cup of coffee, my friend and my sister chatted.
Days later after my sister had left, my friend came over and mentioned how depressed my sister looked and acted and talked.
Then she mentioned that my sister said that our life as teens wasn't the best. (No kidding....) We are ACOA's.
Then she said that I was the lucky one because I got to go to more places, dances, etc. than she did. Made it sound like she was stuck at home, working like a slave, etc.
My memory tells me this is partly true.
Yes, I did get to "escape" from the chaos - probably more than her because I am a more "friendly" type than her. ( I had more friends.)
However, I never was allowed to "go" - unless I had done the chores my rage-aholoic mother insisted that I had completed - before I left. And I did have my "chores" done - before I ESCAPED from my home for an occasional dance or function. (My codependent mother, in hindsight - may have also been a functioning A .)
Sad to say; as the Smother Brothers used to say:
Our Mom did like my Sister Best.
And our dad liked me best. Ughhh......
And our dad was around me much more, and did some crazy things like french-kiss me, and more. (I have talked about this in therapy.)
My dad had almost nothing to do with my sister. Especially since she was always hanging around our mom. THIS is probably another reason why I was away from home more.
We both grew up to be responsible adults - and we both married and divorced alcoholics. And had a fairly "ok" relationship with each other as adults. That is, until she and her now-ex-husband (2nd one) - moved out of state - over 10 years ago. She is now back in this state
She is now an alcoholic.
I am a co-dependent with many serious autoimmune health issues.
And I can't seem to keep my posts SHORT.
MY QUESTION IS THIS:
It seems as if my sister still has a resentment because of how we "survived" in our dysfunctional/alcoholic (s@xually abusive - for me) home.
Should I bring this issue up with her?
And apologize for doing what I had to do - to survive in our home?
I did my chores, and then was gone for school activities and time with friends. I even took a job in my senior year and provided funds for my siblings to be able to do "things" that our parents could not afford. (During my teen years.)
I did what I had to do at home - (chores) and then I LEFT for a few hours a week. (I am more of an extrovert.)
Also to this day, I have never discussed - with my sister - the french-kissing and "other" things that happened between my dad and me.
She did what she had to do at home - (chores) and then she STAYED at home most of the time. (She is more of an introvert.) She also got to hang with my mom more, and learn things from her. Things I never got to do. I wanted that closeness with my mom, but I just accepted that she liked my sister more.
And sadly; we BOTH married VERY young. To ESCAPE our homes.
We are not young! This is talking - 40 years ago!!!
My sister is currently in the throes of a deep depression.
I wonder if talking this over might help her?
I would be more than glad to make amends for this situation - which I never knew bothered her so much.
I would explain how I see this situation and tell her I am sorry that she felt she had to carry the "load" more because I was going to dances and had some time away at my best friend's family cabin in the mountains......
Or do any of you think discussing this might make her more depressed? Would she feel bad because my friend told me about their discussion? My friend thought my sister really had a "grudge" against me for this situation. OMG - over 40 years ago.
I don't want to make an amend that would "harm" her.
Thanks for any insight. Yep, walking on eggshells right now.
But I want to do the right thing.
And I don't have a sponsor right now; I had one; she passed away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think if your sister has a resentment towards you, her resentment is her responsibility. Until she is ready to address it with you, I don't see how there is anything you can do pre-emptively except take care of yourself.
It hurts to watch someone you love in pain who seems stymied as to how to make things better for themselves. I'm sorry you have to deal with that -- a lot of your story is familiar to me.
I found out several years ago that my sister had been carrying great resentment towards me because she felt that, as the youngest by seven years, I was "protected" from the worst of my mother's alcoholism. That she and my brother had to deal with things like putting her to bed and cleaning up after her, which I never had to do. I told her, "You two may feel you had it worse, but you two had each other. By the time I was eleven, you two had left the house, and left me alone with them." She had never considered this from my perspective. I had never considered it from hers. Neither one of us were wrong, neither of us were right. But we were both carrying resentments we expected the other one to fix for us, but they were always ours alone to deal with. So is your sister's.
I know she is depressed, but she has to make the choice towards wellness at some point on her own.
It hurts to watch someone you love in pain who seems stymied as to how to make things better for themselves. I'm sorry you have to deal with that -- a lot of your story is familiar to me.
I found out several years ago that my sister had been carrying great resentment towards me because she felt that, as the youngest by seven years, I was "protected" from the worst of my mother's alcoholism. That she and my brother had to deal with things like putting her to bed and cleaning up after her, which I never had to do. I told her, "You two may feel you had it worse, but you two had each other. By the time I was eleven, you two had left the house, and left me alone with them." She had never considered this from my perspective. I had never considered it from hers. Neither one of us were wrong, neither of us were right. But we were both carrying resentments we expected the other one to fix for us, but they were always ours alone to deal with. So is your sister's.
I know she is depressed, but she has to make the choice towards wellness at some point on her own.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
I may be way off base here but I don't think it would do any good until she is in recovery. Alcoholics don't think rationally and there is no telling which way she would go with it. She needs to address her resentment.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
My sister & I have gone through this in our own way. I think sparklekitty nailed it, we each have to deal with our resentments individually.
I am in recovery, sis is not. Neither are addicts but both have severe Codie issues. We've had enough discussion in my 4 yrs of healing to show me that she can't really comprehend my perspective & I'm aware of enough to try to "force" it on her.
I actually find boundary setting & enforcing far more difficult with the unrecovering Codies in my life vs. any addict, recovering or not. My mother & sister challenge me in more ways all around.
I am in recovery, sis is not. Neither are addicts but both have severe Codie issues. We've had enough discussion in my 4 yrs of healing to show me that she can't really comprehend my perspective & I'm aware of enough to try to "force" it on her.
I actually find boundary setting & enforcing far more difficult with the unrecovering Codies in my life vs. any addict, recovering or not. My mother & sister challenge me in more ways all around.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It seems as if my sister still has a resentment because of how we "survived" in our dysfunctional/alcoholic (s@xually abusive - for me) home.
you are SPECULATING as to what you THINK your sister is feeling and what is driving her depression and drink. that's a pretty big stretch as we have NO WAY of knowing what imprinted on another, what stuck, what didn't and what goes on in their heads. until your sister TELLS you what she is thinking and feeling, that is a foreign land.
it sounds as if you think you have found the ticket to sobriety here....HER Sobriety, if you just reveal this magic knowledge to her.
also for an amends to be properly conducted, there are 8 steps PRIOR to even considering doing so. as it stands it sounds like you want to apologize for how YOU grew up and that you believe you were the favorite of the family. but that is nothing to apologize FOR....we make amends to those we have harmed through our ACTIONS, not our circumstances.
you are SPECULATING as to what you THINK your sister is feeling and what is driving her depression and drink. that's a pretty big stretch as we have NO WAY of knowing what imprinted on another, what stuck, what didn't and what goes on in their heads. until your sister TELLS you what she is thinking and feeling, that is a foreign land.
it sounds as if you think you have found the ticket to sobriety here....HER Sobriety, if you just reveal this magic knowledge to her.
also for an amends to be properly conducted, there are 8 steps PRIOR to even considering doing so. as it stands it sounds like you want to apologize for how YOU grew up and that you believe you were the favorite of the family. but that is nothing to apologize FOR....we make amends to those we have harmed through our ACTIONS, not our circumstances.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
"FOR....we make amends to those we have harmed through our ACTIONS, not our circumstances."
^^^^^^^^^
Thank you @AnvilheadII for your post, especially this sentence.
There I go, trying to "fix" things for my sister.
I just love her so much and hate the suffering she is going through.
But, I know- I need to continue working on myself.
"Hi" I am Me - A Work In Progress Co-Dependent.
And I am turning her over to my HP - whom I choose to call God.
Sometimes many times a day.
The phrase "Pray Unceasingly" has new meaning for me.
And I have decided NOT
To Bring This Subject Up With Her
(At This Time)
The time may come when we will be able to - or want to discuss our backgrounds. Together.
^^^^^^^^^
Thank you @AnvilheadII for your post, especially this sentence.
There I go, trying to "fix" things for my sister.
I just love her so much and hate the suffering she is going through.
But, I know- I need to continue working on myself.
"Hi" I am Me - A Work In Progress Co-Dependent.
And I am turning her over to my HP - whom I choose to call God.
Sometimes many times a day.
The phrase "Pray Unceasingly" has new meaning for me.
And I have decided NOT
To Bring This Subject Up With Her
(At This Time)
The time may come when we will be able to - or want to discuss our backgrounds. Together.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
A different perspective...
Outside the realm of addiction and codependence--
If as a result of hearing this it has moved you to reflect on your past and how your actions impacted her-- it doesn't have to be "amends" to have a conversation with your sister regarding your reflections on that crazy time.
I had a similar convo with my sister about a decade ago where I apologized for not being the best sister in a time where she needed me because I was busy treading water myself (and I was angry at her too for family dynamics that weren't necessarily her fault). I needed to do that for me--to clarify that as an adult I saw things differently and realized she had a hard time too.
That conversation deeply strengthened our sisterhood--setting aside any other issues going on. So if you find a nagging feeling that you want to clear the air about what happened--that's different than trying to help her heal her resentments when she may not be ready,and I think it's healthy.
Outside the realm of addiction and codependence--
If as a result of hearing this it has moved you to reflect on your past and how your actions impacted her-- it doesn't have to be "amends" to have a conversation with your sister regarding your reflections on that crazy time.
I had a similar convo with my sister about a decade ago where I apologized for not being the best sister in a time where she needed me because I was busy treading water myself (and I was angry at her too for family dynamics that weren't necessarily her fault). I needed to do that for me--to clarify that as an adult I saw things differently and realized she had a hard time too.
That conversation deeply strengthened our sisterhood--setting aside any other issues going on. So if you find a nagging feeling that you want to clear the air about what happened--that's different than trying to help her heal her resentments when she may not be ready,and I think it's healthy.
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