Bunny211

I'm so bored. I'm 8 months sober.

I'm starting to get really annoyed with my little life of daily prayer and meditation, work, and AA meetings.

I have an on again off again BF of 7 years who lives 90 minutes away and I'm not allowed to see him because my sponsor tells me no relationships for a year. I want to see him and spend a weekend with him...dinner, movies, cuddling. Nope. Not allowed.

I'm not allowed to see any friends who are not in recovery. That might sound like a good thing but none of my best friends are alcoholics or addicts. They stuck through me through my struggle and are very supportive of me. They don't drink around me (normies who could take or leave a drink) and we do things like go to the movies or dinner or shopping. But, since they are not in recovery and working a spiritual AA program if I go see them I am "reverting to my old ways." So yeah I can't hang out with my friends either.

I'm supposed to sit at home and read books about God to get a better relationship with him so I can be on new footing and live a good life.

It feels like a drag. Everything is a drag.

The thought of drinking has been entering my mind lately. What if I went out and had a couple glasses of wine after work? Wouldn't be that bad.

Ugh. I hate where I'm at!

CAPTAINZING2000

With that in mind, how do you work then ? Is everyone you work with in recovery?
If your bf is supportive and friends are supportive in your recovery, I'd stay in contact.
I had to distance myself from the people I drank like I did. It wasn't a good idea to be around heavy drinkers

SoberinSyracuse

No, actually it WOULD be that bad. I'd give 99.99 percent chance that if you had a glass or two of wine you'd relapse just like the rest of us did.

I'm hesitant to say this.... please take it with a grain of salt... but one of the things I found unhealthy about AA is that many followers of it adhere to very rigid ideas about what you should and shouldn't do in recovery. Obviously, you shouldn't drink! Or expose yourself to triggers! But seriously, when it reaches the point of breaking up the friendships that can help sustain you... Even breaking up an existing romantic relationship... I strongly question that. Cutting people off from their social networks is a brainwashing tactic.

I don't like that in the AA groups I attended, members were permanent full-time AA lifers with no life outside of 12-step based recovery. Their only friends were each other and their only activities were "recovery" activities. Any attempt to explain my personal thoughts and feelings was labeled "denial."

I'm not saying your group/sponsor is like that. (Even though it does kinda sound like it.) If the separation from your boyfriend and friends is causing a sense of isolation and boredom that is jeopardizing your sobriety, you have to make a change.

My advice is at a minimum, change sponsors. Perhaps change groups.

Congrats on 8 months. You're obviously very committed to sobriety and can do this.

Soberwolf

Your sponser seems to have your best interests at heart but telling you who you can & cannot have contact with is crossing major boundaries

Congratulations on 8 months but to tell you you can't see your bf who you have been with for 7 years is a bit ridiculous and having good friends is major support as long as they are not drinking around you I don't see the problem

The last part where you talk about drinking makes no sense it will never be 1 drink you know we don't drink like that trust me I've seen so many ppl who thought they could and some never come back so pls remember that

I think you need to speak up to your sponser & set some boundaries

zombob

sorry to hear of your rut bunny. Socialization and integration into social life is key for me to Not fallback into self medicating and isolation. I am also married so that whole 'no relationships for the first year' thing is moot. No real science to back that up either other than counseling is advisable for all family members, partners as it does improve the likelihood of long term success. I'm guessing you were in this relationship prior to recovery. Maybe y'all could find some good out-patient family counseling (mostly to help educate the partner). If your sponsor feels oppressive, find another who exudes more of a positive, social vibe and do what they advise. My 2 cents ....best wishes

tomsteve

WOW!!!reads like your sponsor is controlling you! not very good sponsorship.

it would be a drag for me,too. aa is suppised to be our way of life. not our life and the bb even tells us that:
None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe.

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.
But we aren't a glum lot.
If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life.


So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.

You will note we made an important qualification.Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of suchplaces?" If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!

Why sit with a long face in places where there is drinking, sighing about the good old days. If it is a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those there; if a business occasion, go and attend to your business enthusiastically. If you are with a person who wants to eat in a bar, by all means go along. Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account. At a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor.


ask your sponsor to please point out in the program outlined in the big book or anything regarding sponsorship that a sponsor is to say what is and isnt allowed AND they we arent allowed to go out and enjoy life? i sure would like to read it.

one thing that happens sometimes is people change their addiction from alcohol to addiction to aa.

doggonecarl

There are countless things you could be doing, but no, your immediate thought is drinking. That's not boredom. Boredom could be solved by playing Sudoku or watching a movie. When an alcoholic's mind turns to drinking it's discontentment with sobriety.

That's serious. I hope you deal with it promptly.

Fly N Buy

All I share with a sponsee is how I got sober, nothing more. Based on that suggestions may arise about readings, step work etc. Part of my story was changing people, places and things - imperatively the toxic parts. I can't get well sitting in the muck.

My experience is when I get bored it leads to self pity and resentments. Getting outside myself at these times is even more critical. That action of service does not have to be with others in the program, although that helps.

I found volunteer.org helpful in identifying things to do

AA is not the light for me - it leads me to the light......

Another member posted that "their only friends were each other...." In my experience this simply is not the case. While I have many friends in recovery, I have others. Friends interests are as varied as any groups of people.......We are people who would not normally mix@ But yes, I don't hang out in bars much anymore and after awhile I simply choose not to be around drunks!

There are many who attended meetings, but never worked the program of AA including 12th step work/service to others. Doing that gets me out of myself, relieves boredom and make me a contributor to life is what I have found

Bunny211

Thanks everyone.

I'm not going to have a drink. But in the past 8 months it has RARELY crossed my mind and lately it has been running around in my head.

Ruby2

I'm glad you're not going to drink. I understand the whole thing about it running through your head though. It's happened to me. Just don't drink.

I think that you've gotten good advice here. Really, a sponsor is supposed to guide you through the big book, not take over your life. In my opinion, she can make suggestions, but not rules. I'd talk to her about it if you're comfortable. Maybe a new sponsor? We all have growing pains in sobriety. Maybe it appeared you needed that approach in the beginning but obviously, it's not working now because you're chafing at the constraints.

Just don't romanticize one or two glasses. It is never enough.

2muchpain

Of course, you should never drink no matter what the situation is. Starting over after 8 months would be terrible, but I can certainly understand why you thought about it. After all, your an alcoholic! I think everyone would agree that for anybody to achieve long-term sobriety, it's important to have as much support as you can. It's great to find support in the meetings, but for most people, they have a life outside AA. Many successful people in sobriety have supportive friends and family. Of course, it's your decision, but if you have solid support outside the meetings, it doesn't make sense to not stay connected with it. To me, being sober means improving one's quality of life. Staying home reading AA literature and connecting with my spiritual side (although important) just wouldn't be enough for me. John

AnvilheadII

first, congrats on 8 months!!! that is huge! keep your eye on the prize. while i personally take umbrage with your sponsor giving you absolutes on what you CAN and CANNOT do, i also don't know your backstory and if this was useful, even necessary to give you such clear cut directives to ASSIST your walk into sobriety.

that being said, there is way more to life than sitting at home reading a book, any book. there are countless SOBER activities in which to engage.....and i don't mean those all have to be AA based, only that they do not include drinking in any way. you aren't on house arrest.

if we are bored, that is on US. we are not sitting on the sidelines of a circus waiting to be entertained. life is EXACTLY what we make of it.

so what are things you enjoy - besides "hanging out"? what are hobbies or crafts or subjects that interest or intrigue you?

ilovedogs666

Hi..I am in AA as well and have 284 days today (a little over 9 months).. Also Im 29 years old and single, no kids. I could never give up my friends just because I decided to get sober. That wouls be way too lonely and depressing.

And I have never heard of anyone I personally know in AA not allowed to see their normal friends or boyfriend/girlfriend. I know many other young women who are dating in their first year especially if they already have a stable, long term relationship. Its totally fine to see friends or boyfriend as long as it does not interfere with your recovery and meetings!

I dont think thats right at all. My sponsor would never set rules like that, and if she did, I would not be working with her.. I know of lots of people in AA who date within their first year (including me, lol) and while it is not recommended (solely because you need to focus on your recovery for the first year and a relationship might distract you), people keep doing it and I dont understand how your sponsor wouldnt let you even hang out with your friends who are not in recovery..

That seems very counterproductive because you are lonely all the time.. When I got sober I didnt know ANYONE who is in recovery. All my friends are people who are normal drinkers. I did and continue to hang out with my friends but I dont go to bars or clubs, or places where I could be tempted to drink. I have lunch/dinner with them.

You know that if you relapse it will be much harder to get sober again, I would advise you to seriously consider this relationship with your sponsor. It sounds more rigid than any other sponsor I have ever heard.

I

Lance40

It sounds like you may be in an unhealthy controlling sponsor / sponsee relationship. Recovery is a dynamic process and in my experience requires tweaks and changes as you move through different stages of recovery. I was very rigorous in early recovery but when I hit the boredom phase that was my signal that it was time to change things up.

To be clear, I am a self-identified AA'er, but some things require you to use your own reasoning. AA is a "suggested" program of recovery and sponsors have no special training dealing with addiction. One size doesn't fit all, and there are good sponsors and bad sponsors.

It is important for your sponsor to meet you where you are at. If that is not a possibility then you should consider another sponsor.

wheresthefun

You might want to think about running from your "sponsor."

But seriously folks... (disclaimer) I'm not an AAer, but your "relationship" with your "sponsor" sounds mighty unhealthy to someone from the outside looking in.

totfit

The "only" reason I got sober is to be able to "live". The way I stay sober is by "living". I am going to not knock anyone's way of staying sober, but I tried a lot of things, prayer, surrender, etc. and the more I immersed myself in a "program" and "staying sober" the greater the obsession became. I am sober now, because I have accepted that I can in no way shape or form drink to enhance my activities. It only disrupts everything I tried to do. Next, I moved finally forward and found my way in life. Different folks need different things, but I would suspect if what you are doing is bringing more angst that it is relieving angst, then it might be time to look at some changes. I think immersing one's life in the benefits associated by not living with the drudgery of the drink and knowing that drinking will rob one of those benefits is certainly a good way to start. I don't pray to stay sober. I stay sober to play, live, laugh, dream, cry, shout, scream...............experience life.

Dropsie

Everyone has said it better than I could, so I won't repeat.

But I do agree -- waas up with your sponsor??

jryan19982

As long as you wont be drinking with your friends, or BF, or TEMPTED to drink with them Id say go meet them. Meet them at a park, or somewhere where alcohol is not served. Dont go to a bar for sure with them. But I think you can still maintain relationships if they are supportive and you wont be tempted to drink.

I never liked the all or nothing approach to AA. Sure it works for some, but some people cant get past one or two things. If AA meetings are helping you then keep going. Maybe find a new sponsor. Maybe cutting off all friends worked for her (or him) but that certainly doesnt work for everyone. Im sure s/he keeps your best interests in mind to keep you sober... but maybe that is going a little too far.

least

I think your sponsor is too controlling.

uncorked

Wow, I'd be thinking about having a glass or two of wine if I had someone butting into my life like that, too. That's outrageous! Your "sponsor" is not a trained psychologist, is she? It's great that you're 8 months sober but she sounds like an AA brainwasher to me. Call your boyfriend and tell him to come over this weekend. Then call your sponsor and tell her to shove it! lol, not really....but sounds like you need to find a new one, or even a new group. Check if there are any Smart Recovery meetings in your area.