Un-alcoholic!??
Recoverer of Self
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 297
Un-alcoholic!??
In my recovery I have been exploring why I drank. Some folks may not care about the 'whys' of their drinking...choosing only to focus on...'just don't drink now! But that isn't going to work for me....because I drank to escape...and if I want to stay sober I have to fix the things inside of me that I was trying to escape.
I don't have a life before drinking to go back to....I started drinking at such a young age that I wasn't 'anyone' before I became an alcoholic...I was an abused, scared child who was terrified of everything so I started drinking as soon as I could.
So not only do I have to fix myself, I have to find myself. I read a great line in a post last night that said: 'I wonder who I would have been if I'd never drank?' That thought has stuck with me all day.
I understand that I drank to cover up pain...to escape pain....and I know that I need to deal with this pain to feel better, to stay sober, and to figure out who I am.....while thinking about this today (fixing my pain) there came a delightful MOMENT when a thought occurred to me...'WHAT IF...I 'fix' my pain! Maybe I could drink normally!'
But immediately I knew that would never happen....the alcohol blurred the lines between my emotional problems and being an alcoholic. But in sobriety I see they are 2 different entities. Fixing one will not fix the other. 'Fixing' ME won't make me an un-alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic now because I abused alcohol for years to escape...all those years of alcohol abuse turned me into an addict. It doesn't matter now if I have Eckhart Tolle's brain!!!! My body will still be addicted to alcohol. I can fix my emotional problems, but I can never fix my physical addiction....that ship has sailed. I consider myself lucky to know this.
I don't have a life before drinking to go back to....I started drinking at such a young age that I wasn't 'anyone' before I became an alcoholic...I was an abused, scared child who was terrified of everything so I started drinking as soon as I could.
So not only do I have to fix myself, I have to find myself. I read a great line in a post last night that said: 'I wonder who I would have been if I'd never drank?' That thought has stuck with me all day.
I understand that I drank to cover up pain...to escape pain....and I know that I need to deal with this pain to feel better, to stay sober, and to figure out who I am.....while thinking about this today (fixing my pain) there came a delightful MOMENT when a thought occurred to me...'WHAT IF...I 'fix' my pain! Maybe I could drink normally!'
But immediately I knew that would never happen....the alcohol blurred the lines between my emotional problems and being an alcoholic. But in sobriety I see they are 2 different entities. Fixing one will not fix the other. 'Fixing' ME won't make me an un-alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic now because I abused alcohol for years to escape...all those years of alcohol abuse turned me into an addict. It doesn't matter now if I have Eckhart Tolle's brain!!!! My body will still be addicted to alcohol. I can fix my emotional problems, but I can never fix my physical addiction....that ship has sailed. I consider myself lucky to know this.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
You are absolutely right!
Like you, I did want to know what had led me to become an alcoholic so I could understand what happened and what I did. But, as you said, we can improve our mental health but we are still alcoholics.
Like you, I did want to know what had led me to become an alcoholic so I could understand what happened and what I did. But, as you said, we can improve our mental health but we are still alcoholics.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I drank to escape too. I drank to get numb so I wouldn't feel my feelings. 
It took me a while after I got sober to learn how to feel my feelings instead of trying to get away from them.
It took me a while after I got sober to learn how to feel my feelings instead of trying to get away from them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest US
Posts: 45
I understand that I drank to cover up pain...to escape pain.
I am really good at running away from stuff that makes me uncomfortable. Coming to grips with the idea that I'm probably about as emotionally mature as a 15 year old, I have a lot of work to do - but I'm worth it. We all are!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I think there is a big difference between the following 2 questions/statements
1. Why am I an alcholic?
2. What issues/problems do I have in my life that I tried to avoid/solve by drinking?
I truly think there is no answer to #1. Maybe someday they will figure it out, but to me the only solution is to accept it.
Question number two however is a very important one I think. I have anxiety and as I look back I most likely had it all my life. And like you I drank most of my adult life so I really only know the "sober" me for the last few years of my life. Figuring out ways to make my anxiety easier to deal with is very important to me - along with looking back for some of the potential causes. But in no way do I think that answers "why" I am an alcoholic. I'm still an alchoholic and I always will be, even if I solve all my underlying issues.
1. Why am I an alcholic?
2. What issues/problems do I have in my life that I tried to avoid/solve by drinking?
I truly think there is no answer to #1. Maybe someday they will figure it out, but to me the only solution is to accept it.
Question number two however is a very important one I think. I have anxiety and as I look back I most likely had it all my life. And like you I drank most of my adult life so I really only know the "sober" me for the last few years of my life. Figuring out ways to make my anxiety easier to deal with is very important to me - along with looking back for some of the potential causes. But in no way do I think that answers "why" I am an alcoholic. I'm still an alchoholic and I always will be, even if I solve all my underlying issues.
just keep swimming
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 502
One thing I've noticed is that my drinking was a vicious circle. I was drinking to escape my problems which made the problems seems worse which meant I drank more which made the problems seem worse... And repeat.
Reviewing my problems now with a clearer head has led to two things
1) in most cases they were not as bad as they seemed
2) I have been a lot more proactive in remedying them effectively
Reviewing my problems now with a clearer head has led to two things
1) in most cases they were not as bad as they seemed
2) I have been a lot more proactive in remedying them effectively
Recoverer of Self
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 297
Scott...you're right about the 'why' of alcoholism....I should have said I am an alcoholic now because of 1 of 2 reasons:
1) I was addicted from the get-go...my first drink,
2) I became addicted after years of abuse.
Either way doesn't matter.....I am an alcoholic....therefore I am an alcoholic...(which came first...the chicken or the egg....all the same in the end.)
And I also agree that the important question is 'why I drank', despite knowing I was addicted and it was terrible for me. Why did I drink?
I guess I knew before my first drink the 'why' of why would I do it.....in hopes that it would make me better....and that just continued on for 30 yrs....hoping it would make me feel better or not feel worse at the very least.
Dealing with life without drinking is difficult to say the least....but my drinking was difficult too.
Today I pick the lesser of 2 evils....not drinking.
Knowing nothing will change the fact that I am an alcoholic...no amount of mending...that helps to stay away from 'hope' that one day I can drink. I know that the 'just for today' method of not drinking works well for some...and it does for me too...but I also need to have a big picture plan....I need to always know that no amount of anything will make me un-alcoholic.
1) I was addicted from the get-go...my first drink,
2) I became addicted after years of abuse.
Either way doesn't matter.....I am an alcoholic....therefore I am an alcoholic...(which came first...the chicken or the egg....all the same in the end.)
And I also agree that the important question is 'why I drank', despite knowing I was addicted and it was terrible for me. Why did I drink?
I guess I knew before my first drink the 'why' of why would I do it.....in hopes that it would make me better....and that just continued on for 30 yrs....hoping it would make me feel better or not feel worse at the very least.
Dealing with life without drinking is difficult to say the least....but my drinking was difficult too.
Today I pick the lesser of 2 evils....not drinking.
Knowing nothing will change the fact that I am an alcoholic...no amount of mending...that helps to stay away from 'hope' that one day I can drink. I know that the 'just for today' method of not drinking works well for some...and it does for me too...but I also need to have a big picture plan....I need to always know that no amount of anything will make me un-alcoholic.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 772
If I never drank I woud not be giving my .02 cents for all it's worth on SR. Haha. Forreal though. The life that I used to live made the person I am today. I don't want to be anybody else. Life is so much easier to live when the only person you need to be in yourself!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: London
Posts: 367
R, I read the same quote yesterday " I wonder who I would have been if I had never drank".....like you, I have been thinking about that too. In fact I think all the time about every mistake and **** up alcohol has led me too. It turned me into a person I personally didn't like, others around me found me amusing in small doses! But it's the mental issues I am still dealing with, as long as I stay away from the drink, physically I think I can cope.
Like you, I drank to escape......but to escape daily pressure, and also things boxed away long ago, but also the **** ups I made along the way whilst being drunk. The constant watching my back, and deceit has just done me in.
Not drinking doesn't take these emotions away anymore, but I am feeling more in control, and more like a person I want to be around. I hope you continue with your success....and continue to deal with emotional matters in a sober way. To be honest, for me it's the only way if I want to enjoy the second part of my life x
Like you, I drank to escape......but to escape daily pressure, and also things boxed away long ago, but also the **** ups I made along the way whilst being drunk. The constant watching my back, and deceit has just done me in.
Not drinking doesn't take these emotions away anymore, but I am feeling more in control, and more like a person I want to be around. I hope you continue with your success....and continue to deal with emotional matters in a sober way. To be honest, for me it's the only way if I want to enjoy the second part of my life x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Honest to goodness I had no reason to become an alcoholic. I had a stable happy childhood, two loving parents, hearty health, and I was pretty well-rounded. I just fell in love with the light, floating feeling of drinking. I liked it too much and wanted to recreate the magic every night until it became a dark place of sickness and health problems.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Many of us here will relate to that.
When I discovered alcohol, and the way it made me feel, I was convinced I had found a solution. Something that would solve the shame; rage; pain; and confusion of life. Thing is, fast forward 28 years, and I finally realised that alcohol wasn't actually a solution at all. It just lulled me into thinking that with short bursts of relief while making the problem worse. (Can you imagine if they marketed a head-ache tablet that worked amazingly for a few hours, but your headache would actually get slightly worse after that? What would happen if someone kept taking it for 28 years? Course not - how could anyone be so stupid. Anyone other than an alcoholic anyway. )
The thing is, for me to even think about dealing with those way back causes, I needed to be sober. That's the part of the vicious cycle that I was able to stop. And then the recovery work (ie dealing with the issues) could be done because I was sober and could think clearly about it. Of course, that is a painful process. But it wouldn't have been possible when I was still drinking.
Sure, my AV told me many times that I couldn't handle this pain without a drink, but with the support of this place, and AA, I got through that pain, because I had finally conceded that Alcohol was NOT a solution. It was a contributor to the problem. It hadn't put me in the prison my feelings created perhaps, but it had kept me there for 28 years, with those feelings festering, and like germs, multiplying and growing. I wanted freedom from that jail, and I wanted recovery, and knew that a drink would not bring me closer to either of those things. I think my exit from that emotional jail, was mostly like digging my way out with a teaspoon at first, but then, just when (at Step 4) it all seemed like it was getting hopeless, there was a bit of a landslide and suddenly I found myself shaking off the dirt, and blinking in the light, and feeling something that I hadn't felt for many years. Happy and free. Free from alcohol, and free from those feelings that had been shackling me for so long. I'm so pleased I pushed past that first horrendous part of being sober now. Just thinking about the alternative makes me shudder.
I hope you stick with your escape plan.
When I discovered alcohol, and the way it made me feel, I was convinced I had found a solution. Something that would solve the shame; rage; pain; and confusion of life. Thing is, fast forward 28 years, and I finally realised that alcohol wasn't actually a solution at all. It just lulled me into thinking that with short bursts of relief while making the problem worse. (Can you imagine if they marketed a head-ache tablet that worked amazingly for a few hours, but your headache would actually get slightly worse after that? What would happen if someone kept taking it for 28 years? Course not - how could anyone be so stupid. Anyone other than an alcoholic anyway. )
The thing is, for me to even think about dealing with those way back causes, I needed to be sober. That's the part of the vicious cycle that I was able to stop. And then the recovery work (ie dealing with the issues) could be done because I was sober and could think clearly about it. Of course, that is a painful process. But it wouldn't have been possible when I was still drinking.
Sure, my AV told me many times that I couldn't handle this pain without a drink, but with the support of this place, and AA, I got through that pain, because I had finally conceded that Alcohol was NOT a solution. It was a contributor to the problem. It hadn't put me in the prison my feelings created perhaps, but it had kept me there for 28 years, with those feelings festering, and like germs, multiplying and growing. I wanted freedom from that jail, and I wanted recovery, and knew that a drink would not bring me closer to either of those things. I think my exit from that emotional jail, was mostly like digging my way out with a teaspoon at first, but then, just when (at Step 4) it all seemed like it was getting hopeless, there was a bit of a landslide and suddenly I found myself shaking off the dirt, and blinking in the light, and feeling something that I hadn't felt for many years. Happy and free. Free from alcohol, and free from those feelings that had been shackling me for so long. I'm so pleased I pushed past that first horrendous part of being sober now. Just thinking about the alternative makes me shudder.
I hope you stick with your escape plan.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Thank you for your post.
Amazing, as I could have written it, except I cannot remember what caused the pain initially like you can.
But I was so young that I really had no sense of self, or at least not one I can remember.
This is so painful for me, as I am someone who has always thought of myself as together, so to now realise that even that was not true is hard.
And to accept there is no magic solution -- I loved Beccy's analogy to the aspirin.
But I hope and trust that with the universe's help we will both find the peace that she and others have.
Hang in there.
Amazing, as I could have written it, except I cannot remember what caused the pain initially like you can.
But I was so young that I really had no sense of self, or at least not one I can remember.
This is so painful for me, as I am someone who has always thought of myself as together, so to now realise that even that was not true is hard.
And to accept there is no magic solution -- I loved Beccy's analogy to the aspirin.
But I hope and trust that with the universe's help we will both find the peace that she and others have.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by rahrah 
In my recovery I have been exploring why I drank. Some folks may not care about the 'whys' of their drinking...choosing only to focus on...'just don't drink now! But that isn't going to work for me....because I drank to escape...and if I want to stay sober I have to fix the things inside of me that I was trying to escape.
I don't have a life before drinking to go back to....I started drinking at such a young age that I wasn't 'anyone' before I became an alcoholic...I was an abused, scared child who was terrified of everything so I started drinking as soon as I could.
So not only do I have to fix myself, I have to find myself. I read a great line in a post last night that said: 'I wonder who I would have been if I'd never drank?' That thought has stuck with me all day.
I understand that I drank to cover up pain...to escape pain....and I know that I need to deal with this pain to feel better, to stay sober, and to figure out who I am.....while thinking about this today (fixing my pain) there came a delightful MOMENT when a thought occurred to me...'WHAT IF...I 'fix' my pain! Maybe I could drink normally!'
But immediately I knew that would never happen....the alcohol blurred the lines between my emotional problems and being an alcoholic. But in sobriety I see they are 2 different entities. Fixing one will not fix the other. 'Fixing' ME won't make me an un-alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic now because I abused alcohol for years to escape...all those years of alcohol abuse turned me into an addict. It doesn't matter now if I have Eckhart Tolle's brain!!!! My body will still be addicted to alcohol. I can fix my emotional problems, but I can never fix my physical addiction....that ship has sailed. I consider myself lucky to know this.
I don't have a life before drinking to go back to....I started drinking at such a young age that I wasn't 'anyone' before I became an alcoholic...I was an abused, scared child who was terrified of everything so I started drinking as soon as I could.
So not only do I have to fix myself, I have to find myself. I read a great line in a post last night that said: 'I wonder who I would have been if I'd never drank?' That thought has stuck with me all day.
I understand that I drank to cover up pain...to escape pain....and I know that I need to deal with this pain to feel better, to stay sober, and to figure out who I am.....while thinking about this today (fixing my pain) there came a delightful MOMENT when a thought occurred to me...'WHAT IF...I 'fix' my pain! Maybe I could drink normally!'
But immediately I knew that would never happen....the alcohol blurred the lines between my emotional problems and being an alcoholic. But in sobriety I see they are 2 different entities. Fixing one will not fix the other. 'Fixing' ME won't make me an un-alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic now because I abused alcohol for years to escape...all those years of alcohol abuse turned me into an addict. It doesn't matter now if I have Eckhart Tolle's brain!!!! My body will still be addicted to alcohol. I can fix my emotional problems, but I can never fix my physical addiction....that ship has sailed. I consider myself lucky to know this.
I understand this might be nitpicky, but misinformation is never a good thing. If you had Eckhart Tolle's brain you wouldn't be an alcoholic. (I'm assuming he is not one) It's the brain that is addicted, not the body. It's all within the brain, and if you had a non alcoholic brain you would not be an alcoholic. Drinking changes the brain, and at some point ( seems to be after years) the brain is changed permanently (or at least permanently relative to a human life) If humans lived for 500 years, it may be possible after 150 years of sobriety to become unalcoholic . Currently, it doesn't seem like we live long enough for that to happen. So embrace it. The good thing about addiction being in the brain is that we do have the power to change.... it might be hard, and I'm still struggling with it, but it could be worse. If addiction to alcohol was in the foot for example..... we would have no choice but to amputate it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
I completely agree: if you are someone that does have an underlying cause, which I did, getting that fixed is paramount. In my case, it was depression. I knew this, and have been on medication for years. But by the time I got the depression under control, I was already an alcoholic from years of abuse in my effort to self medicate. I am happy to say that AT THE MOMENT I am in a good place (I know how fragil this is so I never take it for granted!) Both problems must be addressed, regardless of the order in which you do it.
Recoverer of Self
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 297
Originally Posted by Serper2014
I understand this might be nitpicky, but misinformation is never a good thing. If you had Eckhart Tolle's brain you wouldn't be an alcoholic. (I'm assuming he is not one) It's the brain that is addicted, not the body. It's all within the brain, and if you had a non alcoholic brain you would not be an alcoholic. Drinking changes the brain, and at some point ( seems to be after years) the brain is changed permanently (or at least permanently relative to a human life) If humans lived for 500 years, it may be possible after 150 years of sobriety to become unalcoholic . Currently, it doesn't seem like we live long enough for that to happen. So embrace it. The good thing about addiction being in the brain is that we do have the power to change.... it might be hard, and I'm still struggling with it, but it could be worse. If addiction to alcohol was in the foot for example..... we would have no choice but to amputate it.
But I appreciate what you're saying as well!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 114
Is someone who drinks alcoholically for years then quits before falling into full-blown alcoholism considered an alcoholic? Say they stop before they became fully dependent but know if they continued drinking they would've become alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by rahrah
The body DOES become addicted/dependant ...hence doctors putting addicts on meds to aide in their withdrawls...I know it was my body as well as my brain that was addicted...if I didn't get a drink into me my BODY would freak out...anyone suffering withdrawals knows the symptoms.
But I appreciate what you're saying as well!
But I appreciate what you're saying as well!
The meds that doctors prescribe during the withdrawal process are usually anticonvulsants and or benzodiazepines. These drugs act on the central nervous system including the brain. The reason the body feels bad is because of the dysregulation of neurotransmission during withdrawal. By definition, the body (not including the CNS) cannot become addicted to anything. Addiction requires consciousness and consciousness is an emergent property of the brain. I get what you are saying... it feels like the body is addicted, however in reality that is not the way it works.
Recoverer of Self
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 297
I just read a great line in an article written by the late Mickey Mantle about his alcoholism....he said he drank to PROTECT himself from reality.....I like this slant...I always say I drank to ESCAPE reality...but PROTECT seems more fitting.
Although he states his drinking didn't affect his career 'much'....it's natural to wonder what he could have done without the booze. It's amazing to me that someone could be so talented, have such fame for being so great at the GREATEST game in the world, and still be a victim of alcoholism. For me...just watching the game is euphoric (has been since I was a child)...and I imagine to play it so well and to be so adored for it...I imagine that would be so fulfilling I would burst....and yet...Mickey still drank...all that talent and fame, doing something he loved...that wasn't enough to protect him from alcoholism.
AMAZING how completely debilitating this addiction is whether you're at the top or the bottom of the ladder of life.
Although he states his drinking didn't affect his career 'much'....it's natural to wonder what he could have done without the booze. It's amazing to me that someone could be so talented, have such fame for being so great at the GREATEST game in the world, and still be a victim of alcoholism. For me...just watching the game is euphoric (has been since I was a child)...and I imagine to play it so well and to be so adored for it...I imagine that would be so fulfilling I would burst....and yet...Mickey still drank...all that talent and fame, doing something he loved...that wasn't enough to protect him from alcoholism.
AMAZING how completely debilitating this addiction is whether you're at the top or the bottom of the ladder of life.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Alcoholism I have come to realise is an equal opportunities employer, it doesn't discriminate!!
I did a fair amount of escaping with alcohol also, but it puts a ceiling on your overall potential in life, we don't have to go back to that place if we don't want to!!
I did a fair amount of escaping with alcohol also, but it puts a ceiling on your overall potential in life, we don't have to go back to that place if we don't want to!!
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