tufty13

Hello all,

As the thread title suggests, I'm wondering if anyone has proactively changed their life radically after getting sober?

I'm really not asking about whether anyone's life has radically changed post sobriety, I'm hoping that's a given.

I'm 52, have been working nonstop since I was 15 doing jobs I don't much care for and am finding myself questioning my whole life and its purpose. Drinking and drugging has kept me stuck until now.

My children are for the most part grown up (the last two leave home to go travelling in March) and I'm finding myself pondering whether my propensity to depression isn't because I'm not being authentic to my true self.

I feel like I need to take some risks and make some big changes to my life and am hoping to hear from anyone who has done just that.

SoberinSyracuse

I'm early in the process of doing that. After just a few weeks sober, I have enough clarity to see that much of my current life happened "by accident." The men I date, where I live, my finances, etc. These occurred by default because I didn't have my hands on the wheel of my own life.

So, yes, there are major changes occurring already for me. And I'm 49, close to your age.

ScottFromWI

I would say that getting sober in itself was a pretty radical change for me. It changed the way I do everything, for the better in pretty much every instance.

I'd say look at your motivation to make the "big changes" you suggest first before just diving in head first. If you think depression is the driving source, perhaps you should focus on big changes do address that. For example, if you haven't ever sought therapy for your depression, seek it now. Or if you are getting therapy and you feel stuck, try a different therapist.

I don't personally believe changing just for the sake of change is always a good thing - there are always consequences - some good, some bad.

doggonecarl

It's often suggested that one makes no radical changes in early sobriety. At least not for the first year.

You are what, a couple months sober? So a year sober would be a radical change. Maybe focus on that.

least

The only radical change in myself since getting sober was changing my attitude to a positive one.

ZeldaFan

As others have said, for me the radical change was being sober and having clarity again. It changed the way I perform at my job and how I interact with the people around me. I've often heard not to make major life changes in the first year of sobriety as was already pointed out so that's something to consider. As for the depression, have you seen anyone about treating it?

SoberinSyracuse

Talk to us more about this... Do you mean impulsive actions like sudden marriage or joining a terrorist organization, or ALL big changes?

See, at only a few weeks sober, I'm making major changes in how I manage my finances. And I'm also setting new boundaries with my business partners which I'm pretty sure will result in the end of the partnership. Meaning: I will no longer do 100% of the work for 30% of the commission. This definitely counts as a radical change, but since I now see that the existing reality is dysfunctional, why not make the change?

Also, since I don't like living in Syracuse, why not start working on a 2-year relocation plan?

And since the men I was dating only like me drunk (for obvious reasons), why not go ahead and let those "friendships" end?

Granted, these are big changes. Is there risk in solving problems which were long ignored due to drinking?

IronPhoenix

I posted a similar question when I started on my journey - not necessarily about radical changes but more about changing up your daily routine. Especially around those trigger times like right after work - go to the gym, or start dinner, or go for a run. Something to help break the pattern of drinking.

VirginiaWoof

Apologies if I'm off the mark but I guess this means the huge changes gone in to without thought/planning.

3 months ago I changed my name legally because YYYYY drinks but ZZZZZ doesn't. At the end of the day ZZZZZ drinks as the reason wasn't solved.

Big changes 'can' be great BUT only in circumstance when people are 100% prepared

doggonecarl

Not all big changes. Life throws us enough big changes, and we have to react to those. And after years of drug and/or alcohol abuse, our lives often require radical change just to get them in order (your changes sound like that).

I guess I'm talking about changes that require lasting sobriety to see through. Marriage, children, relocation, career changes. Heck, for some, a dog is a radical change and should be done with one knows they'll be in a position to take care of it.

And change for change's sake? No.

EndGameNYC

I took things very slowly during the early part of my sobriety. Although I wasn't fully aware of the changes I was making at the time, I did things that helped me to stay sober. Most of the changes I was making I only appreciated in retrospect, so I can assume that there is a healthy part of me that wanted more from my life.

I pulled back on complaining. I (re-)learned how to adapt to things in my life over which I had little or no control. I accepted that I needed to sacrifice some things I wanted in the moment in order to get what I needed down the road. I was much better at asking for help, even when I imagined that it wasn't available, or that things would not work out the way I wanted. I started seeing my doctor again. I accepted that my thinking was distorted as a result of round-the-clock drinking, that I needed to seek out good counsel. Throughout detox, inpatient rehab, outpatient treatment and regular AA meetings, I kept my mouth shut unless I had something I needed to say, and instead decided that I needed to learn how to live again from people who'd been there. I decided that the pain, discomfort and unhappiness that came with early sobriety was the price I had to pay in order to heal. Against my better judgment, I chose to believe that there was a better way for me, and that I needed to stay sober long enough to get there. I stopped making negative predictions. I ate well and went to bed early. I re-ignited my love of reading. I learned how to listen again. I did things that I didn't want to do, mostly without complaint. I helped other people, volunteering and on a personal level. I avoided anything and everything that involved drinking.

What I got was a life worth living.

Dropsie

Tufty and Syracuse,

I think early days are good times to measure twice (or three times) and cut once.

Not to say that you shouldn't cut, but even a good change can rock the boat and we are already doing a lot of that by taking away our crutch.

So that is why i think wise people say don't make big changes early, cause you need your energy to stay on course. And if we gear off course, we all know we be sunk.

That having been said, if you really know its right, way down deep inside, you are probably right. But measure, measure, measure..

Dee74

M,y old life was all about drinking so just getting sober was a HUGE change for me.

Some change (like getting into recovery) is desirable, some is unavoidable....I had to move house at 4 months for example.

The idea of no big changes is twofold I think - one is to avoid stress where possible, and the other is sometimes we don't know who sober us is - it makes sense to find that out before we make massive changes

D

Zufrieden

What Dee said... "sometimes we don't know who sober us is".... resonates with my experience.
Yes, sobriety in itself has been the major change of the decade for me but I am also learning that many parts of my life that I railed against are really not all that bad or in need of major change now that I am dealing with them soberly.
I was weary of my business, disappointed in my marriage, sad about growing older, miserable that my kids were approaching adulthood etc......... I'm finding now that most of those feelings were due to my approach to all situations as an active alcoholic. I didn't go to meetings and didn't know about the "no major changes for a year" idea but in retrospect I think it is really sound advice.
Best of luck to you.
Jonathan

oldsoul1122

The radical change for me is getting out more and being involved in the mainstream now that I'm not always depressed and a loner. It'll always be my choice to have alone time and a homebody but at least I'm finding a balance that is a happy sober.

tursiops999

I understand the advice about waiting on big changes, and generally agree with it. I think that some big changes might be needed, if they reduce stress (and therefore promote sobriety).

In my case, I could see fairly soon after getting sober that I was going to need to change my relationship to work. I tended to work massive amounts of overtime in certain seasons, and have very weak boundaries around work. I used to drink after work to unwind from all this excess stress. I went through another heavy overtime season during months 4 - 7 in sobriety. I was just doing as I had done in the past and as my employer had come to expect. I got through it, but it was very difficult and uncomfortable as I was no longer numbing myself to the costs of this much work.

After month 7, I renegotiated my agreement with my employer to limit my hours and essentially go part-time. This was a huge change for me. But my sobriety depended on it, and I was very clear that it had been needed for a long time.

So I guess it depends if the change supports sobriety, or challenges it. Just my 2 cents.

fantail

Oh! I can answer this one from a sort of interesting vantage point. Since getting sober 6 months ago I have moved cross country, started my own business, and ended my 2 year relationship.

I did these things out of necessity... Right before getting sober I got a new job, relapsed hard, lost the job, and ended up in rehab. So I had to go into full on make it work mode, and part of that was the relocation (move in with family) and the business (a little spackle over the hole my resume). The relationship was volatile and I should've ended it a long time ago. So I'd call all of these decisions "voluntary, but from a limited pool of options".

So I also got sober for a short period last year, I think about 3 weeks which was the longest I'd managed in a while. But I didn't end the relationship because I was afraid of making big changes. We had a big nasty fight and broke up and I relapsed. That was a change I should have made.

The other stuff... I can see where the advice comes from. It's so normal to want to make huge changes, and easy to overestimate ourselves. Being newly sober is a big improvement over being a drunk, but in the grand scheme of things it's still a hindrance. I am not at my best. Being newly sober is tiring, and then I'm heaping all kinds of tiring stuff on top of it. On good days it's fine. On bad days I have no idea how I'm going to meet all my deadlines and get enough sleep and hang out with those people so they know I want to be friends and deal with my stupid PAWS and delicate brain and try to exercise. My judgment can be wonky. My emotions are unpredictable. And I'm so, so tired all the time, but sometimes I'm so overwhelmed I can't sleep!

In my case 1) I have the emotional support of staying with my family. Wow, that is a thing that can not be minimized. 2) Everything I'm doing, as I said, I'm doing because I have to. So I don't second guess myself that much. The decisions I do have wiggle room on (like whether to stay here or move back) have made my emotions run rampant, so I'm glad most of them are pretty firm.

TLDR; if it's a change that you need to make in order to make your life liveable, you can do it. It'll be hard, but you can do it.

If it's an exciting opportunity that won't come up again, ditto.

If it's because you feel stagnant and sad, I think really examine that. This doesn't mean don't make the change. It just means really think about it, figure out what it is that you want, why you're doing it, and why right now.

I swear to you I'm not a cautious person. Most of my major life decisions have been very major and made quickly, emotionally, and impulsively and I'm actually very happy with that. But this may be the one time when thinking things through carefully is preferable to following your gut instinct.

I like SoberinSyracuse's "start a two year plan to relocate". I think any "take steps towards major change" can be a really good place to be in early sobriety, to take advantage of all of that energy and shiny newness.

fantail

Oops! I like how I tried to cut myself off with a TLDR and it ended up in the middle of the post. I've been thinking about this a lot!

Anna

I think I changed radically.

I learned to say 'No' and it was the most amazing thing to me. I had been a people-pleaser all my life and it's called 'the disease to please' for a reason. It had been making me sick for years, long before I began drinking.

MIRecovery

You will find that your thiking and perceptions of people and situations will dramatically change after a year of sober time it. Maybe your thinking is correct but your solutions are wrong or vice versa.

Until the alcohol cobwebs clear from our brains making major irreversible decisions is not recommended