I wish my bf would give me ultimatums
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California
Posts: 38
I wish my bf would give me ultimatums
there is no way I can continue to be with my bf since every weekend he drinks all day til night. This makes me very sad, we have to break up I guess. I am too weak and the temptation kills me. I wish my bf wants me to quit, but I am his drinking buddy. On the weekends, all we do is go for brunch/lunch and drink until we come home around dinner, which then we stop at the store for more junk food and beer. I think I am blaming him for being so unhealthy all weekend. I dont know how not to be an alcoholic on the weekends 
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by back2thegoodME 
I dont know how not to be an alcoholic on the weekends
I'm sorry that you're struggling and not getting the support at home that you want, but that didn't make you daft. You know the right answer, it's just very hard and you haven't done it yet.
I don't have any advice for your love life, but you can be sober with or without your bf.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Ultimatums wouldn't help anyway Back2The good. The only person that can make you sober is you. And unfortunately, if you are not able to do so around your alcoholic boyfriend ( which would be very diffucult ) you may need to leave the relationship.
You've been posting about this same issue since last summer and it seems like nothing has changed, would you agree?
So if you truly want to get sober you need to make the changes yourself. You need to commit to sobriety and make it your number one priority. If you plan on staying with your boyfriend you need to make it absoutely clear to him that your goal is sobriety as well. If he is not willing to be supportive then that probably tells you a lot about the relationship in the first place, don't you think?
You've been posting about this same issue since last summer and it seems like nothing has changed, would you agree?
So if you truly want to get sober you need to make the changes yourself. You need to commit to sobriety and make it your number one priority. If you plan on staying with your boyfriend you need to make it absoutely clear to him that your goal is sobriety as well. If he is not willing to be supportive then that probably tells you a lot about the relationship in the first place, don't you think?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sounds like me and my partner. We've been together for 25 years, and the first 23 we were big time boozing buddies. But in the end I decided I had to change my life, and to get sober. He continues to drink heavily. I have had to make a big effort to get a support network (here, AA, and my local church community) and ensure that I have other things lines up for the weekend.
My Friday night is now an out-of-town AA meeting, which I drive to with my local AA (female) friends. We have a good natter on the way there and back, and the meeting sets me up for the weekend ahead.
Saturdays I keep busy, making sure I've got some sober fun dates with friends or family . I also do Creative Writing group alternate Saturdays. Last Saturday night I dropped Mush off at the pub, then went to see a dance show at a local theatre, then went and picked him up, just stopping in for a coffee when I did so.
Sundays tend to get busy as well nowadays, what with church (and volunteering for little chores there like creche and the tea duty - because that's when I find it easiest to chat. Ie when working on something with other people rather than sitting around looking at each other).
But saying all that, it did take time and effort to get to that stage. And I'm so grateful for AA and the opportunity to meet other ladies who want to stay sober, but also 'get' me, if you know what I mean.
And if / when my OH wants to spend more time with me, then he only needs to say, and we can go somewhere that isn't completely about alcohol. (I don't mind if he and others have a few to drink, as long as there's something else in it, like a live band, or some kind of interesting focus. ) Initially he was really worried (which came out as some fairly negative behaviour and attitudes) that I was leaving him behind. Now he knows I don't want to do that he's 'okay' with it all. He's also met a few of my AA friends which I suppose makes it easier for him.
You can do this thing.
My Friday night is now an out-of-town AA meeting, which I drive to with my local AA (female) friends. We have a good natter on the way there and back, and the meeting sets me up for the weekend ahead.
Saturdays I keep busy, making sure I've got some sober fun dates with friends or family . I also do Creative Writing group alternate Saturdays. Last Saturday night I dropped Mush off at the pub, then went to see a dance show at a local theatre, then went and picked him up, just stopping in for a coffee when I did so.
Sundays tend to get busy as well nowadays, what with church (and volunteering for little chores there like creche and the tea duty - because that's when I find it easiest to chat. Ie when working on something with other people rather than sitting around looking at each other).
But saying all that, it did take time and effort to get to that stage. And I'm so grateful for AA and the opportunity to meet other ladies who want to stay sober, but also 'get' me, if you know what I mean.
And if / when my OH wants to spend more time with me, then he only needs to say, and we can go somewhere that isn't completely about alcohol. (I don't mind if he and others have a few to drink, as long as there's something else in it, like a live band, or some kind of interesting focus. ) Initially he was really worried (which came out as some fairly negative behaviour and attitudes) that I was leaving him behind. Now he knows I don't want to do that he's 'okay' with it all. He's also met a few of my AA friends which I suppose makes it easier for him.
You can do this thing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: QLD
Posts: 19
Hi backtothegoodme
I'm in a similar, yet different situation. By bf will have two beers, then go to bed, and ill drink whatever I can get my hands on.
Sometimes I wish he would be harsher on me. He says what I'm doing is fine.
I guess he loves me, but I have suggested I have an issue and he always says I'm fine. I know he hates my drinking, although hes away a week at a time, and doesn't see how bad I am with no one in the house....
Because he doesn't drink, he balances me somewhat, and I discussed what I wanted to do. And have asked him not to have any alcohol in the house until I get better with coping watching someone else drinking.
I think its hard having two people in a relationship that both have substance issues. I have seen this with my dad. He does not drink heavily regulary but when he did he would get into trouble with his ex. Their issues was gambling aswell. He would call asking for money because he couldn't buy groceries.
They have since broken up, he now has savings, and hasn't been to the pokies in 6 weeks. Small steps, although when he was with her they enabled each other.
Maybe its neither of your faults, your just not good for each other? Just a thought.
I have wanted and tried to quit smoking, but my partner doesn't want to. I don't blame him for my failed attempts, although know if we did it together it would be allot easier.
I'm in a similar, yet different situation. By bf will have two beers, then go to bed, and ill drink whatever I can get my hands on.
Sometimes I wish he would be harsher on me. He says what I'm doing is fine.
I guess he loves me, but I have suggested I have an issue and he always says I'm fine. I know he hates my drinking, although hes away a week at a time, and doesn't see how bad I am with no one in the house....
Because he doesn't drink, he balances me somewhat, and I discussed what I wanted to do. And have asked him not to have any alcohol in the house until I get better with coping watching someone else drinking.
I think its hard having two people in a relationship that both have substance issues. I have seen this with my dad. He does not drink heavily regulary but when he did he would get into trouble with his ex. Their issues was gambling aswell. He would call asking for money because he couldn't buy groceries.
They have since broken up, he now has savings, and hasn't been to the pokies in 6 weeks. Small steps, although when he was with her they enabled each other.
Maybe its neither of your faults, your just not good for each other? Just a thought.
I have wanted and tried to quit smoking, but my partner doesn't want to. I don't blame him for my failed attempts, although know if we did it together it would be allot easier.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 15
I wonder what would happen if you stopped drinking for a month and reevaluated this entire situation? How would you feel about your boyfriend who seems so essential? How would you feel about spending an entire weekend day only drinking? What would you think of the food choices you are making and what they are doing to you? Maybe even a week sober would be enlightening. I also wonder what your being sober would do for your boyfriend. Maybe he wants an ultimatum too?
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Your boyfriend is not responsible for you. You and you alone must make your own choices and live with the consequences. If you want to stop drinking, stop drinking. Anytime you give anybody any power or influence over your drinking, you might as well throw in the towel.
If it helps to break up, go ahead and do that. Once you quit drinking, you'll prefer the company of sober men anyhow. Drunk guys are boring.
If it helps to break up, go ahead and do that. Once you quit drinking, you'll prefer the company of sober men anyhow. Drunk guys are boring.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
An adult who really wants to quit does not need an ultimatum or whatever.
She quits on her own volition and remains abstinent whether her partner is drinking or not.
She quits not because she needs someone else's approval or fears reprisals from that person (that's really codependent) but because as a grown woman she is responsible for shaping her own life and becoming sober is a step in a positive direction.
You can become and stay clean and sober whether your loved ones are still in active addiction or not. Many of us have done so and so can you.
Are you woman enough to start taking responsibility for your own self and your own actions?
Do you love yourself enough to quit for you?
You can do it, lean on us for support.
She quits on her own volition and remains abstinent whether her partner is drinking or not.
She quits not because she needs someone else's approval or fears reprisals from that person (that's really codependent) but because as a grown woman she is responsible for shaping her own life and becoming sober is a step in a positive direction.
You can become and stay clean and sober whether your loved ones are still in active addiction or not. Many of us have done so and so can you.
Are you woman enough to start taking responsibility for your own self and your own actions?
Do you love yourself enough to quit for you?
You can do it, lean on us for support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 204
Do you think it's possible that if you started on a healthier path, gave up drinking and gave up the junk food that maybe you would inspire your bf and he might want to follow your lead?
Maybe you could think of something new to do on weekends that dosnt involve alcohol, change the routine a little? Cook a healthy meal at home? Tell your bf that you want to change to a healthier life style?
Maybe you could think of something new to do on weekends that dosnt involve alcohol, change the routine a little? Cook a healthy meal at home? Tell your bf that you want to change to a healthier life style?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 59
I felt the same way,that if me and my bf was sober it would be best for us,Idrank and he smoked weed bbottom line is even through my sobriety I had lots of friends who drank and would still stop by and offer me something to drink or would prepare me a drink if I stopped at their place instead of kicking all my friends to the curb to have a nice sobriety I learned to not let the temptation get to.me take it one day at a time and if your bf see your getting sober most likely he would join my bf stopped smoking for 2 months but sadly relapsed but just take it one day at a time
sobriety!!!
sobriety!!!
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