kdg3

Here I go at an another attempt to get sober.. Sadly I always somehow convince myself that I can drink in moderation and it lasts a few times until Saturday when I drank enough to black out and completely embarrass myself in every way possible.. I feel so disgusted with myself and more so because I KNOW better! It's so hard to not feel like I'm a hopeless cause and that its not going to take some kinda miracle for me to change my drinking problem.. I need help but I don't know how to get it.. I want to love myself and feel proud but getting sober is just the hardest thing for me to do. I have a very convincing AV and I wish I could over come it. I'm posting here to hold myself accountable and try to give this another shot. Thanks for reading.

IronPhoenix

KDG- I can't tell you how many times I told myself only 2 or 3 drinks and that is it. I always found a way around that self imposed limit. I finally came to admit/recognize that I could not moderate, so the only option for me was to stop completely.

You can do this. Get a plan together and stay on here to help keep you accountable.

Anna

Hi Kdg, You are not a hopeless cause, though I remember feeling that way myself for quite awhile. And, yes, stopping drinking is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But, you can do this and you don't need a miracle. Do you have a plan?

C23

We have all been there. I have tried to kick drinking for over 6 years now. We all know the definition of insanity, and that was what I was doing. It wasn't until I realized that I could never drink again that I finally feel I have made it. Stay on SR, post frequently, and cone up with a plan. Good luck!

FeelingGreat

Welcome, K. It's not easy because our bodies are trained to turn to alcohol in times of stress.
Make a plan for when your AV is at it's loudest, and go through the steps one by one. It might help.

Have something to eat, preferably something you like. Take a shower. Take 5 deep breaths slowly, concentrating on your body the whole time. Start a task. Phone someone for a chat.

Once I started systematically overcoming cravings it became much easier.

Hawkeye13

Moderation is a myth for folks like us.
I "moderated" myself into drinking too much several times last year.
Those were that last attempts.
No more moderation for me--I'm a non-drinker now.

Don't feel bad, just make up your mind you're done for good
and get on with the rest of your life

kdg3

I'm trying to formulate a plan but I'm way too shy to go to an AA meeting.. Part of me wants to at least give it a try but I honestly don't know why I can't see myself going.. Maybe I'm just really ashamed of myself or I'm scared to see someone I know.. Just a few thoughts that come to my mind and would I even ever say anything .. Most likely no. I just feel down lately and I'm having a hard time picking myself back up.. I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself I just feel really defeated lately.. But I'm going to keep trying and stay away from that 1st drink.. I want this more than anything else!

SoberinSyracuse

So are you on the page now where you could recognize the thought "I'll just have one or two and then right back on track tomorrow" as an AV trick?

Soberwolf

How is the AV convincing really though what are you planning to do when you hear that convincing voice ? I sincerely hope you make reaching out a big part of your sobriety plan

At the end of the day we are alcoholic and drinking destroys us we both know that

Seriously rootin for you bud

Dee74

hey kdg - sounds like you need a better plan maybe?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

If you're subject to being convinced by your AV, maybe go through some of those rationalisations that happen & practice challenging them now, before it all becomes real again?

D

least

I hope this time you are successful at getting sober for good.

kdg3

Thank you so much everyone for the support.. It's like I feel terrified of my own mind sometimes because when I'm in these situations I can hear myself screaming for help in the back of my head but I still I just bury it down and make bad choices and put myself in potentially dangerous situations. I try to hold myself accountable as much as possible and I manage to do well for a short time until I slowly start drinking and wait for my next black out situation.. I just don't want to drink again, but even while thinking of the future today the sick part of me still wants to use drugs and alcohol. Why can't I see my life without it? ... It makes me sad but I'm going to keep trying no matter what! I need a plan.. I'm starting by avoiding situations and people who will trigger me to drink.. That is my biggest issue as of right now... Unfortunately it's a lot of close friends and family.. That makes it almost impossible to stay away :/

nova84

I did a guided meditation called 'Time Travel' to work out what this 'sober me' I was aiming for actually was ...relax and close your eyes...picture yourself now...imagine a line ahead of you...float above the 'now' image of yourself and fast forward down the line to 5 years time and imagine in detail what you will feel like, look like and be doing if you carry on using alcohol and drugs...really see it and feel it. Then start the visulisation again and do the same but fast forward to just 1 yr from now and imagine what you will feel like, look like and be doing if you stop using today...then fast forward to 5 years and do the same.

Sounds like you know that you want a different future...you just haven't thought about what this future looks like...and we all need something to work towards otherwise how do we know we are making the right decisions to get us there x

Dropsie

Great post Nova, thanks.

KDG, the best (and hardest) thing for me was to emotional accept that I could Never Question The Decision not to drink. Ever. Ever.