Is there a time to leave...when is that time..need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Winter Park, Florida
Posts: 21
Is there a time to leave...when is that time..need help
I'm really working on living my life and learning to take care of me, not controlling my H and the things around me. But, for goodness sakes...how much does one take and take and stay around for love?
H is so up and down, screams cusses at my daughter 15 and me. We never know what the day will bring. I never want to have anyone over to my home since I NEVER know what kind of mood he will be in. He has yelled and been verbally abusive to workers at my home, such as the painters, etc. No physical violence to us personally. But, destroys my house, doors, throws items, his pills all over the floor. Is a big guy anyway and very formative...very frightening....how much does one take after 22 years...just how much?
I feel sorry and pity for him....we haven't had a sex life in over 6 years.....when is it time...to have him leave....
H is so up and down, screams cusses at my daughter 15 and me. We never know what the day will bring. I never want to have anyone over to my home since I NEVER know what kind of mood he will be in. He has yelled and been verbally abusive to workers at my home, such as the painters, etc. No physical violence to us personally. But, destroys my house, doors, throws items, his pills all over the floor. Is a big guy anyway and very formative...very frightening....how much does one take after 22 years...just how much?
I feel sorry and pity for him....we haven't had a sex life in over 6 years.....when is it time...to have him leave....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
I wish I knew the my ex hubby was not an addict but he was an emotionally abussive jerk . I had decided enough was enough when he had pushed me so hard that I had lost feelings for him and just the thought of him touching me made my skin crawl . It was then that I had to admit to myself that I was fighting the inevitable and was tooo miserable to stay in it and when I realized I could make it on my own that did it for me. I realized I would be better off on my on and I am. I guess it is when you can leave and have closure and a peice of heart that leaving is the right thing for you to do. You will know when it is right turn it over and the answer will come to you.
Rose
Rose
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
When your boundaries get crossed to the point you say enough.
My opinion as to when or if is not valid... it needs to be your choice.
physical violence.... would be the only time I would try to talk you into leaving if you felt you should stay.
For my sister not even the physical violence was enough of boundary crossings till he started on the kids. That was when she said enough is to much.
My opinion as to when or if is not valid... it needs to be your choice.
physical violence.... would be the only time I would try to talk you into leaving if you felt you should stay.
For my sister not even the physical violence was enough of boundary crossings till he started on the kids. That was when she said enough is to much.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
That is abuse!! And emotional abuse is actually more devastating to the soul than physical abuse, call the women's crisis center tomorrow. Your kids are being terrorized and so are you. Get some counseling they won't tell you when to leave, only you can make that choice. But they can help!! Promise!!!
Your kids really deserve much better and so do you.
I've been thro' it. I couldn't believe what all I would put up with or what it would take for me to leave even tho' I knew I had to.
Your kids really deserve much better and so do you.
I've been thro' it. I couldn't believe what all I would put up with or what it would take for me to leave even tho' I knew I had to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Winter Park, Florida
Posts: 21
Thank you so much everyone for your responses. I will think of all of them and make a decision only I know I can make. But, the responses help me know I'm not alone which means so much to me. 
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((wildflower))
As others have said, only you can make the decision to stay or leave. Living with alcoholism is stressful, frustrating, and scary. So is the thought of leaving. If there is physical abuse, get out immediately. But there is a process to finding your way, and it takes time, and loving support. Focus on your recovery, and build your support network. The strength and resources to make a major decision will come with that. I recommend attending as many Al-Anon meetings as possible for a while. Maybe some individual counselling. Read as much literature on recovering from the effects of alcoholism and codependency.
I know that when I first came into recovery, I couldn't make life changing decisions. I needed help and healing. I needed loving support, all I could get. It took time for me to be able to love myself and feel the strength to look at my life without running away.
Keep coming here. It has been a great source of strength for me. Hugs, Magic
As others have said, only you can make the decision to stay or leave. Living with alcoholism is stressful, frustrating, and scary. So is the thought of leaving. If there is physical abuse, get out immediately. But there is a process to finding your way, and it takes time, and loving support. Focus on your recovery, and build your support network. The strength and resources to make a major decision will come with that. I recommend attending as many Al-Anon meetings as possible for a while. Maybe some individual counselling. Read as much literature on recovering from the effects of alcoholism and codependency.
I know that when I first came into recovery, I couldn't make life changing decisions. I needed help and healing. I needed loving support, all I could get. It took time for me to be able to love myself and feel the strength to look at my life without running away.
Keep coming here. It has been a great source of strength for me. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
wildflower -
For me, leaving or staying with him didn't really have much to do with him or what he was doing. Lord knows he had done enough to justify my leaving. Staying or leaving was all about me and my thinking and my self-respect and my empowerment.
Working my program has allowed me to respect myself again. Once that happened, I could make choices that were right for me. It takes time but it is so worth it.
L
For me, leaving or staying with him didn't really have much to do with him or what he was doing. Lord knows he had done enough to justify my leaving. Staying or leaving was all about me and my thinking and my self-respect and my empowerment.
Working my program has allowed me to respect myself again. Once that happened, I could make choices that were right for me. It takes time but it is so worth it.
L
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Wildflower,
I am the adult (or supposed to be) child of a man similar to the one you described. My F was and still is verbally abusive. My M is not strong enough to get out. I am and I did and I can tell you that watching my M for all those years did more damage to me than I can ever acknowledge. Here are the things that I wish for my M:
I wish M would stand up for herself
I wish M would believe that she has value
I wish M would believe she deserves to be treated better
I wish M would have protected me from D when he was having one of his tantrums
I wish M would have protected me
I wish M would have protected me
I wish M would have protected me
This was my M's job and she didn't do it. If you are here asking this question you are strong enough to protect your daughter. That is a Mother's job. And it is a hard job but it is the job. Please hear this from the 35 year old daughter of a woman that I just saw got through this again this weekend. It continues and it kills my spirit everytime I am around it. I have finally had to come to the realization that I really don't have a Mother and I am grieving this. B/c as recently as this weekend I experienced an "episode" of my Father's tantrums and I left. Left them both to deal with each other. B/C it is sick, makes me sick to watch it happen and it has deeply damaging affects to me.
I wish my Mother had asked me how I felt and that I was allowed to tell the truth b/c I was scared alot. And ashamed and none of it was real. I wasn't bad and I didn't cause my Father to act crazy but it has taken me years of therapy to realize this.
I hope that you can make a health, sane, SAFE space for you and your daughter. You both DESERVE it.
You are in my prayers today,
Petunia
I am the adult (or supposed to be) child of a man similar to the one you described. My F was and still is verbally abusive. My M is not strong enough to get out. I am and I did and I can tell you that watching my M for all those years did more damage to me than I can ever acknowledge. Here are the things that I wish for my M:
I wish M would stand up for herself
I wish M would believe that she has value
I wish M would believe she deserves to be treated better
I wish M would have protected me from D when he was having one of his tantrums
I wish M would have protected me
I wish M would have protected me
I wish M would have protected me
This was my M's job and she didn't do it. If you are here asking this question you are strong enough to protect your daughter. That is a Mother's job. And it is a hard job but it is the job. Please hear this from the 35 year old daughter of a woman that I just saw got through this again this weekend. It continues and it kills my spirit everytime I am around it. I have finally had to come to the realization that I really don't have a Mother and I am grieving this. B/c as recently as this weekend I experienced an "episode" of my Father's tantrums and I left. Left them both to deal with each other. B/C it is sick, makes me sick to watch it happen and it has deeply damaging affects to me.
I wish my Mother had asked me how I felt and that I was allowed to tell the truth b/c I was scared alot. And ashamed and none of it was real. I wasn't bad and I didn't cause my Father to act crazy but it has taken me years of therapy to realize this.
I hope that you can make a health, sane, SAFE space for you and your daughter. You both DESERVE it.
You are in my prayers today,
Petunia
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi Petunia...I have been dying to ask this question, but afraid it was taboo or would be hurtful - but, I would love your opinion. I have two children, my husband is not a fall down, tantrum throwing drunk YET although he has angry outbursts at me - and I have seen him 'catch' himself before he has had one with my children. Most of the time, he is a really good dad (other than that he is an alcholic - and I know that sounds contadictory, but hopefully you will understand what I mean). However, his alcholic behavior has driven me to the point where I realize it has effected me and now I am very cognizant and detached, looking in. My number 1 question is - is it better to stay married for my children - to provide that family unit and teach myself to live 'in spite' of the disease and be there help my children understand what it is OR would it be better to remove them from that environment as much as possible (other than his visitations, etc.). If you can even remember being that young... I know you probably can't answer this question. I guess I'm just grasping at straws... but, it helps to just think it through on here, I guess..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Petunia, I was so touched by your post I cried.
Everything you said was so real and true. Thank you so much!
Peaches, I think Petunia answered your question. Look again.
Your children are in your special keeping.
I think it is better to provide them with an environment where they aren't exposed to this crap at all. Why should they have to deal with it?
The long term consequences are so damaging.
I am the mother who was ill and not there for awhile. I am so much better now, and am close with the grown up little one, lost the other.
I still have dreams and nightmares wishing I could go back in time and do things differently. Because I see the hurt.
I forgive myself, I did the best I knew at the time.
Now that I know better I do better.
Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues, I did stand up and tell them this is not normal this is not the way I was raised. I tried to protect in the environment.
I do not advise that anymore.
Petunia has shown us the consequences.
For a long time I thought the abuse was the alcoholism. It is not.
Psychological and emotional abuse kills the soul.
Yours and theirs.
I now have a trauma related anxiety disorder, and I was a grown up raised without alcoholism or emotional abuse. I had to stop a minute ago to stop my hands from shaking and breathe.
Protect the children!
Failure to do so is also abuse. I am sorry. It's just true.
Petunia, I can't say it enough times, my hat is off to you!
Thank you for your gift of sharing.
Everything you said was so real and true. Thank you so much!
Peaches, I think Petunia answered your question. Look again.
Your children are in your special keeping.
I think it is better to provide them with an environment where they aren't exposed to this crap at all. Why should they have to deal with it?
The long term consequences are so damaging.
I am the mother who was ill and not there for awhile. I am so much better now, and am close with the grown up little one, lost the other.
I still have dreams and nightmares wishing I could go back in time and do things differently. Because I see the hurt.
I forgive myself, I did the best I knew at the time.
Now that I know better I do better.
Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues, I did stand up and tell them this is not normal this is not the way I was raised. I tried to protect in the environment.
I do not advise that anymore.
Petunia has shown us the consequences.
For a long time I thought the abuse was the alcoholism. It is not.
Psychological and emotional abuse kills the soul.
Yours and theirs.
I now have a trauma related anxiety disorder, and I was a grown up raised without alcoholism or emotional abuse. I had to stop a minute ago to stop my hands from shaking and breathe.
Protect the children!
Failure to do so is also abuse. I am sorry. It's just true.
Petunia, I can't say it enough times, my hat is off to you!
Thank you for your gift of sharing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Winter Park, Florida
Posts: 21
Wow, you said everything...I have been really feeling..you know my Mom was the same way...I wish she had protected me! You have given me an enormous insight into myself and my situation. I need to read your post daily and make a decision based on protection and a safe environment. Thank you..thank you for sharing something so difficult, so painful with me. I will look forward to your other post you are truly a jem! (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
The time to have him leave is when the pain of him stay is worse then the pain of him leaving.
It is clear from your posts that you are a good woman and will do the right thing. Draw a healthy boundary and keep you and your daughter safe. maybe even talk to your daughter about it, not to lean on her, but to let her know SHE is not alone and that SHE is not crazy, and that SHE is loved.
This too shall pass!
It is clear from your posts that you are a good woman and will do the right thing. Draw a healthy boundary and keep you and your daughter safe. maybe even talk to your daughter about it, not to lean on her, but to let her know SHE is not alone and that SHE is not crazy, and that SHE is loved.
This too shall pass!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Riverman, I disagree with you. I no longer believe in suffering until I hit unbearable bottom. It won't pass until I pass it.
I am not picking on you, others here have said basically the same thing.
It all goes back to addiction and abuse being totally different issues.
I am not picking on you, others here have said basically the same thing.
It all goes back to addiction and abuse being totally different issues.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Hi Wildflower,
When my AH, caused my daughter to cry the tears that I know that I had cried, I seen her and the gulping, gasping cry from the inside of her, I seen her face and I knew what she was feeling....that was it for me....he always wanted to accuse me of butting in and standing in the way of his fathering of her....I stood toe to toe with him did not back down....it started all types of arguments in front of her...but you know what My baby girl knows and knew that i was not going to allow him to abuse her in anyway....
I tried telling him that there was to much that he did not know about her to speak to her that way that he does......he just didn't get it and I was not going to allow him to scare her....see, with my older two, I was verbally abusive, overbearing and had an authoritarian attitude over them....I seen what "I" had did to them...I winded up going through the healing process and asked my daughters to forgive, they did and we now have a very wonderful relationship. I could not bear to see someone in my own house do my last daughter like that, father or not.....I would raise up on him like a bear mama protecting her cub.....I would have lost my life on this one. Their formidable spirits are so fragile, we/they make it through, but the road is so rough as with the testimonies here. We just have to careful and on purpose about the things we will and will not allow---no holds barred. I just didn't care that much about that mans feelings, he was a man, my child is a child and I was the only left to protect her. Forget the love, the property, comfort, money and reputation!!!!! I had already been the abuser enough not to stop it from continuing in my life, my family.
I am an advocate for children, this is why I am against abortion, they need someone to stand up and fight for their life and their right to life.
I am so sorry for going there but my wheels get raised when I am around cases of children not being protected, to me, there is no reason, none, at all to let it continue or happen.....mistakes and errors are correctable, but abuse and murder changes things and makes for some hard roads.
Sorry really, taking that tone, but it pains me to see injustices at the hand of abuse.
I pray that you will have the wisdom and strength, peace and comfort to do all that you feel that you need to do in this situation. History is second rate when it comes to the future....I personally, would bank the 22 years, the house, the dog the retirement funds, especially if no changes are in sight.....I don't know you plight or your complete story, we don't know your husband, but if he refuses to find away to stop the madness, then it is only to be said that that condition has forced your hand. It did mine and lot of others.
But of course, you have to make those decisions for yourself, after you have done all to stand, sometimes we just have to turn.
Much hugs and love to you all in all of your situtations....healing and recovery and change are all possible....we live on, we live on.
God Bless!!
When my AH, caused my daughter to cry the tears that I know that I had cried, I seen her and the gulping, gasping cry from the inside of her, I seen her face and I knew what she was feeling....that was it for me....he always wanted to accuse me of butting in and standing in the way of his fathering of her....I stood toe to toe with him did not back down....it started all types of arguments in front of her...but you know what My baby girl knows and knew that i was not going to allow him to abuse her in anyway....
I tried telling him that there was to much that he did not know about her to speak to her that way that he does......he just didn't get it and I was not going to allow him to scare her....see, with my older two, I was verbally abusive, overbearing and had an authoritarian attitude over them....I seen what "I" had did to them...I winded up going through the healing process and asked my daughters to forgive, they did and we now have a very wonderful relationship. I could not bear to see someone in my own house do my last daughter like that, father or not.....I would raise up on him like a bear mama protecting her cub.....I would have lost my life on this one. Their formidable spirits are so fragile, we/they make it through, but the road is so rough as with the testimonies here. We just have to careful and on purpose about the things we will and will not allow---no holds barred. I just didn't care that much about that mans feelings, he was a man, my child is a child and I was the only left to protect her. Forget the love, the property, comfort, money and reputation!!!!! I had already been the abuser enough not to stop it from continuing in my life, my family.
I am an advocate for children, this is why I am against abortion, they need someone to stand up and fight for their life and their right to life.
I am so sorry for going there but my wheels get raised when I am around cases of children not being protected, to me, there is no reason, none, at all to let it continue or happen.....mistakes and errors are correctable, but abuse and murder changes things and makes for some hard roads.
Sorry really, taking that tone, but it pains me to see injustices at the hand of abuse.
I pray that you will have the wisdom and strength, peace and comfort to do all that you feel that you need to do in this situation. History is second rate when it comes to the future....I personally, would bank the 22 years, the house, the dog the retirement funds, especially if no changes are in sight.....I don't know you plight or your complete story, we don't know your husband, but if he refuses to find away to stop the madness, then it is only to be said that that condition has forced your hand. It did mine and lot of others.
But of course, you have to make those decisions for yourself, after you have done all to stand, sometimes we just have to turn.
Much hugs and love to you all in all of your situtations....healing and recovery and change are all possible....we live on, we live on.
God Bless!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Winter Park, Florida
Posts: 21
2Sunshine...I really need to hear the cold hard truth....I'm not hear to be pampered...so your words mean a lot to me. You have expressed them very well...I am discovering I have more strength than I thought I did. Thanks for the honesty IT IS ALWAYS appreciated by me and welcome. (((HUGS))) and Bless you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
wildflower,
off the topic, but what is going on there? I came here from Sebring FL have friends and family there and just south of Tampa. I presumed everything was shut down and you all would be evacuating, I haven't heard from any of them today.
off the topic, but what is going on there? I came here from Sebring FL have friends and family there and just south of Tampa. I presumed everything was shut down and you all would be evacuating, I haven't heard from any of them today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Winter Park, Florida
Posts: 21
liveweyerd,
Hi, Charley hit Ponta Gorda extremely hard, they had a really tough time. Orlando, Kissimmiee, Winter Park and Brevard County (Kennedy Space Center) were a mess. Frances, just made things worse for those who already suffered damages. It was so eriee....driving down the streets seeing entire huge oak trees just pulled out of the ground. Also, those huges bilboard signs..the ones made out of metal with very thick poles just twisted and laying on the ground.
They did not ask us to evacuate since we were inland, but east coast was evacuated. My H works at NASA at KSC and they were not to report to work for one week after Charley because of the extensive damage done to the Cape. The VAB is a mess...the roof is caving in and the building that houses so many of the computers was severely damaged. It has been awful here.
The least of our problems were most of us were without electricity for 4 days with Charley and 4 days with Frances. I hope your family is well and weathered the storm ok.
Hi, Charley hit Ponta Gorda extremely hard, they had a really tough time. Orlando, Kissimmiee, Winter Park and Brevard County (Kennedy Space Center) were a mess. Frances, just made things worse for those who already suffered damages. It was so eriee....driving down the streets seeing entire huge oak trees just pulled out of the ground. Also, those huges bilboard signs..the ones made out of metal with very thick poles just twisted and laying on the ground.
They did not ask us to evacuate since we were inland, but east coast was evacuated. My H works at NASA at KSC and they were not to report to work for one week after Charley because of the extensive damage done to the Cape. The VAB is a mess...the roof is caving in and the building that houses so many of the computers was severely damaged. It has been awful here.
The least of our problems were most of us were without electricity for 4 days with Charley and 4 days with Frances. I hope your family is well and weathered the storm ok.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Ivan, I have been checking the satellite images, it rotates clockwise, is moving north, there are some big spin-offs hitting my sister's home right now, and one right over Highlands Co where my boyfriend is and other good friends. BF's home is not a mobile home, but like that, vulnerable. He had a tree uprooted and through a wall with Frances.
I know my nephew and his gf left for Tennessee earlier in the week.
But I can see it, sis has probably gone inland, but her home is in the havoc right now.
Frances messed up her roof. She has been bailing water and cleaning up still when I talked internet with her yesterday..from Frances.
I know my nephew and his gf left for Tennessee earlier in the week.
But I can see it, sis has probably gone inland, but her home is in the havoc right now.
Frances messed up her roof. She has been bailing water and cleaning up still when I talked internet with her yesterday..from Frances.
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