Stuck in this snowstorm, so I might as well write this out...
Stuck in this snowstorm, so I might as well write this out...
THE STORY (feel free to skip since I've told a variation of this five million times on this board)
My mom has been hospice for almost a year, going way past her initial prognosis. My sister, who has been on and off the substance abuse train for twenty years, pretty much refuses to help my dad take care of my mom. Mom is angry that my sister broke her marriage up over a deadbeat pothead (and 7/8 years later, still is involved with him). Sister is angry that my mother won't accept the way she is - she's a non-academic, artistic "free spirit". She's angry at me because I did well academically and professionally and she's had to live under my shadow. Occasionally she'll swipe at me just for kicks.
She's also angry that my mom didn't pick up on the fact that we were both physically abused by the woman who was supposed to be taking care of us, and that she was sexually abused by my sociopathic cousin when he was 12 and she was 11. I suspect he didn't go after me because even though I didn't know what was going on, I was begging my parents every fifteen seconds to kick him out because I thought he was a snake. My mom didn't want to because she wanted to help out HER sister who was just starting out in this country. My mom also had two jobs, days AND weekends, because she was so fearful of poverty that she did everything to make sure we stayed out of it.
Here's the thing - my sister never told her what happened. I think she's afraid my parents won't believe her - especially because she continued to be friends with him for a long time (he even stayed with her and her family for a bit.) She only stopped talking to him once it came out that he had physically abused his younger siblings and sent his girlfriend to the hospital.
And when I did tell my mom about our physical abuse under the hands of our nanny, she called me a liar and unbeknownst to me invited the woman to babysit her children. She told me I was making a big deal over nothing, because we deserved what we got. That it wasn't that bad. She tried to engineer reunions between all of us, which I wanted no part of. She said that I was cruel for shunning a woman who stayed with us for ten plus years. This woman would grab needles from the sewing kit and stab us with them - do you think I would want to rehash that?
And then several years later, she was in therapy and told her therapist the reason why she was a compulsive liar was because of this woman, because this woman would tell us over and over not to tell our parents how she treated us or else... She also blamed my parents for teaching her how to lie because they valued glossing things over. Who the hell knows where she stands?
THE CURRENT SITUATION
So ANYWAY, just a couple days ago, I was talking to a relative of mine who asked me if my sister was finally helping my mom. I said no, but I also said that my sister was very much in pain and was very overwhelmed, and that it was too much to expect anything from her right now.
It must have gotten back to her, because now she's liking EVERYTHING I post on FB. Maybe she thought I was opening the door a crack. Maybe she thinks I've given her my stamp of approval on the way she's behaving. I don't know.
I feel pity for her. I know in a lot of ways, she got the raw deal. I know that she wants approval from my parents. I know she wants validation. And she's so desperate for it she doesn't care where it's coming from, which is why she's with who's she's with. And her boyfriend is so doped up the gills all he has to do is smoke a joint whenever my sister unleashes her anger.
But I just can't muster anything positive to say to her. And I feel awful for feeling this way. I know what she endured was horrible, but the thought of saying "You're doing great! Thanks so much for reaching out to me!" turns my stomach. She does on occasion prepare a meal for my parents and drops it off once or twice a month, and they are delicious. But I can't even bear to send her that feedback. The judgmental part of me thinks that all I'm doing is getting sucked into the black hole of her ego. I resent the fact that my dad especially has to satisfy himself with her scraps of affection. It's so easy to thank other people for their efforts, but I can't do it with my sister.
I remember zoso suggesting in one of my earlier threads that perhaps I've reached the point of saturation. Maybe it's me who's overwhelmed with pain and so I can't even give my sister the bare minimum of acknowledgement and gratitude.
I don't know anything anymore. So what do I do?
My mom has been hospice for almost a year, going way past her initial prognosis. My sister, who has been on and off the substance abuse train for twenty years, pretty much refuses to help my dad take care of my mom. Mom is angry that my sister broke her marriage up over a deadbeat pothead (and 7/8 years later, still is involved with him). Sister is angry that my mother won't accept the way she is - she's a non-academic, artistic "free spirit". She's angry at me because I did well academically and professionally and she's had to live under my shadow. Occasionally she'll swipe at me just for kicks.
She's also angry that my mom didn't pick up on the fact that we were both physically abused by the woman who was supposed to be taking care of us, and that she was sexually abused by my sociopathic cousin when he was 12 and she was 11. I suspect he didn't go after me because even though I didn't know what was going on, I was begging my parents every fifteen seconds to kick him out because I thought he was a snake. My mom didn't want to because she wanted to help out HER sister who was just starting out in this country. My mom also had two jobs, days AND weekends, because she was so fearful of poverty that she did everything to make sure we stayed out of it.
Here's the thing - my sister never told her what happened. I think she's afraid my parents won't believe her - especially because she continued to be friends with him for a long time (he even stayed with her and her family for a bit.) She only stopped talking to him once it came out that he had physically abused his younger siblings and sent his girlfriend to the hospital.
And when I did tell my mom about our physical abuse under the hands of our nanny, she called me a liar and unbeknownst to me invited the woman to babysit her children. She told me I was making a big deal over nothing, because we deserved what we got. That it wasn't that bad. She tried to engineer reunions between all of us, which I wanted no part of. She said that I was cruel for shunning a woman who stayed with us for ten plus years. This woman would grab needles from the sewing kit and stab us with them - do you think I would want to rehash that?
And then several years later, she was in therapy and told her therapist the reason why she was a compulsive liar was because of this woman, because this woman would tell us over and over not to tell our parents how she treated us or else... She also blamed my parents for teaching her how to lie because they valued glossing things over. Who the hell knows where she stands?
THE CURRENT SITUATION
So ANYWAY, just a couple days ago, I was talking to a relative of mine who asked me if my sister was finally helping my mom. I said no, but I also said that my sister was very much in pain and was very overwhelmed, and that it was too much to expect anything from her right now.
It must have gotten back to her, because now she's liking EVERYTHING I post on FB. Maybe she thought I was opening the door a crack. Maybe she thinks I've given her my stamp of approval on the way she's behaving. I don't know.
I feel pity for her. I know in a lot of ways, she got the raw deal. I know that she wants approval from my parents. I know she wants validation. And she's so desperate for it she doesn't care where it's coming from, which is why she's with who's she's with. And her boyfriend is so doped up the gills all he has to do is smoke a joint whenever my sister unleashes her anger.
But I just can't muster anything positive to say to her. And I feel awful for feeling this way. I know what she endured was horrible, but the thought of saying "You're doing great! Thanks so much for reaching out to me!" turns my stomach. She does on occasion prepare a meal for my parents and drops it off once or twice a month, and they are delicious. But I can't even bear to send her that feedback. The judgmental part of me thinks that all I'm doing is getting sucked into the black hole of her ego. I resent the fact that my dad especially has to satisfy himself with her scraps of affection. It's so easy to thank other people for their efforts, but I can't do it with my sister.
I remember zoso suggesting in one of my earlier threads that perhaps I've reached the point of saturation. Maybe it's me who's overwhelmed with pain and so I can't even give my sister the bare minimum of acknowledgement and gratitude.
I don't know anything anymore. So what do I do?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,888
Puzzled, It sure sounds like you have been through the wringer. Many of us come from pretty broken families. It is so hard to grow beyond your own pain.
If you can, sit with the hurt, resentment and whatever other yuck emotions that come your way. I'm not saying react to them just feel them and let them go. All these crap emotions have something to teach us.
Give yourself permission to detach as much as possible from your sister or any other family member you have a hard time with. You seem to already understand that everyone involved has been through a lot of hardship; this is a good start to forgiveness.
Hope you are having some good quiet time at home with the storm! Here in the Rocky Mountains we just have sunshine. Stay safe and warm!
If you can, sit with the hurt, resentment and whatever other yuck emotions that come your way. I'm not saying react to them just feel them and let them go. All these crap emotions have something to teach us.
Give yourself permission to detach as much as possible from your sister or any other family member you have a hard time with. You seem to already understand that everyone involved has been through a lot of hardship; this is a good start to forgiveness.
Hope you are having some good quiet time at home with the storm! Here in the Rocky Mountains we just have sunshine. Stay safe and warm!
Good vent, PH...
I know you wrote you feel pity for your sister, etc....but right NOW what I'm sensing is that you feel more frustrated and even angry...and puzzled.
From what you've shared there are definitely some deep-seated issues going on with your sister's self esteem over things that go way back to childhood. You're right people want/need validation and get that need met however. Right now it's the pothead boyfriend. Also, many folks get back at parents over long ago hurts by being passive-aggressive. I'm not knocking her for that. In lieu of being able to be direct, people can sometimes take the passive-aggressive route instead.
You're disappointed in her and can't get too excited or happy about some of her decisions lately. That's totally understandable, IMO.
I know you wrote you feel pity for your sister, etc....but right NOW what I'm sensing is that you feel more frustrated and even angry...and puzzled.
From what you've shared there are definitely some deep-seated issues going on with your sister's self esteem over things that go way back to childhood. You're right people want/need validation and get that need met however. Right now it's the pothead boyfriend. Also, many folks get back at parents over long ago hurts by being passive-aggressive. I'm not knocking her for that. In lieu of being able to be direct, people can sometimes take the passive-aggressive route instead.
You're disappointed in her and can't get too excited or happy about some of her decisions lately. That's totally understandable, IMO.
Have you thought of counseling to work through all these issues? They would overwhelm me too and I think you are wise to write about it and share, getting it out is healthy. But working through it may require professional help and I think you are worth the try.
Hugs
Hugs
If you can, sit with the hurt, resentment and whatever other yuck emotions that come your way.
Good vent, PH...
Many of us come from pretty broken families.
I'm sensing is that you feel more frustrated and even angry...and puzzled.
Hope you are having some good quiet time at home with the storm!
I must say though, that I secretly enjoy shoveling snow. It can be so quiet, peaceful, and meditative.
That said, I don't love it enough to shovel driveways besides my own.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,888
This gives me the grins >>>>> "Well right now I'm too sore to be angry, because after my SR eruption I went out and shoveled. Then I went out again three hours later and did the same thing. And now I'm looking outside and thinking "Round 3."
I must say though, that I secretly enjoy shoveling snow. It can be so quiet, peaceful, and meditative.
That said, I don't love it enough to shovel driveways besides my own."
I hear you on the shoveling: nice exercise but there can be too much.
Stay warm and safe and post all you want!
I must say though, that I secretly enjoy shoveling snow. It can be so quiet, peaceful, and meditative.
That said, I don't love it enough to shovel driveways besides my own."
I hear you on the shoveling: nice exercise but there can be too much.
Stay warm and safe and post all you want!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Conflict with family members can be an awful, exhausting thing. And I think of good rule of thumb is if you don't have anything to give, and/or if interacting with someone is draining you emotionally, then you're under no obligation to do anything you don't want to do. Maybe things will change between her and you one day. But for now (which is the only place that matters), this is how it is.
Doesn't mean you don't care about her. Doesn't mean you don't wish the best for her. What it does mean is dealing with her carries a higher price that you're able to pay.
Doesn't mean you don't care about her. Doesn't mean you don't wish the best for her. What it does mean is dealing with her carries a higher price that you're able to pay.
What it does mean is dealing with her carries a higher price that you're able to pay.
Have you thought of counseling to work through all these issues?
But yes, I agree, it's probably time for a checkup.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
I was reading something recently and it said when we are dealing with another person who fruatrates us, has troubles in their life, its always good to step back and try to see from their perspective. It was said to be a sign of personal growth when we can so this. Your comment of how she may be thinking she set boundaries is something to think about. Based on what you described, she has had much to deal with . And you have too. Its a dreadful situation what your going thru with your parents and sister. I hope you can find some peace as you deal with all of it.
Sometimes the best thing to do is...nothing. You don't have to do anything, you don't have to engage. It does not really matter what she is thinking or even doing.
I agree, it would be a good time for a check in with counseling. It can help so much, and you have a lot on your plate.
And...we are always here for you!
Hugs to you!
I agree, it would be a good time for a check in with counseling. It can help so much, and you have a lot on your plate.
And...we are always here for you!
Hugs to you!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Just getting to this now.
You have no control over what your sister thinks or doesn't think. Zero. Nada. Zilch. What do you have control over is your choices and who you allow to be in your life. And if you don't want her in your life, that's your right.
Zoso, here's what troubles me. In my sister's mind, I'm sure she's constructed some narrative where SHE has to draw the boundaries with my mom, the judgmental and unforgiving one. So now I'm just as guilty of doing that if I draw the boundaries with my sister. And being a hypocrite to boot.
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