which is the right thing to do
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
which is the right thing to do
My dd1 asked about why I got rid of the goats and what sort of parent would just get rid of a child's pet. I told her that was a question for her dad and I would of keep them if I would of been able to take care of them. I got the ttyl so I told her when she wanted to know my side to let me know.
Well I know the ex has painted a bad picture of what happened with the goats and I am the scapegoat (lol). I have proof it was him that was going to get rid of the goats and I put a stop to it for awhile until I could figure out what I wanted to do. (it was early in our divorce process) I so want to send her the emails and letters from the lawyers so she can see the truth.
I think It may be too pushy and she may not want to hear it yet. But I so want the kids to hear my side and see the proof I'm not as the ex says.
After the past year I am having a hard time deciding what is exactly the right thing to do and I am doubting myself.
Input please
Cricket
Well I know the ex has painted a bad picture of what happened with the goats and I am the scapegoat (lol). I have proof it was him that was going to get rid of the goats and I put a stop to it for awhile until I could figure out what I wanted to do. (it was early in our divorce process) I so want to send her the emails and letters from the lawyers so she can see the truth.
I think It may be too pushy and she may not want to hear it yet. But I so want the kids to hear my side and see the proof I'm not as the ex says.
After the past year I am having a hard time deciding what is exactly the right thing to do and I am doubting myself.
Input please
Cricket
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I understand wanting to justify yourself to the kids but really I feel like that is not important for you to do. Even with all the proper documentation in the world, if someone is not ready to hear it and want you to be the bad guy, you will still be the bad guy.
I would not get caught up in the details of these things and focus more on yourself and what you can do to get stronger or strengthen your relationship with DD1 in other positive ways. Arguing over a goat or anything else that puts DD1 in the middle may be ok with him to do, but you cannot control him, you can only control you. Rise above and do not get sucked in because it just keeps you engaging.
I would not get caught up in the details of these things and focus more on yourself and what you can do to get stronger or strengthen your relationship with DD1 in other positive ways. Arguing over a goat or anything else that puts DD1 in the middle may be ok with him to do, but you cannot control him, you can only control you. Rise above and do not get sucked in because it just keeps you engaging.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
Dd1 was still living here when we got rid of the goats and the ex put all the care of them on me and if I did not take care of them he was going to report me for neglect. This was after I told him he could not get rid of them. With her dad's blessing Dd1 did very little to help with them. My ex paid lots of money for hay which I took over for the summer.
Her text was "It may seem a bit odd but. I had a dream last night about MY goats woke up crying cause I miss them. My question is wha parent gets rid of there kids animals for free after all the money I had in them"
It shoulds like a quote from her dad. She had no money in them the ex did and he was the one that wanted to "give" them away. She told me this morning he was going to sell them but I have them away.
Like I said after a bit of text exchange I told her "When you want to know my side let me know and I will tell you.
Love you
Mom"
It seems like it is all twisted
Her text was "It may seem a bit odd but. I had a dream last night about MY goats woke up crying cause I miss them. My question is wha parent gets rid of there kids animals for free after all the money I had in them"
It shoulds like a quote from her dad. She had no money in them the ex did and he was the one that wanted to "give" them away. She told me this morning he was going to sell them but I have them away.
Like I said after a bit of text exchange I told her "When you want to know my side let me know and I will tell you.
Love you
Mom"
It seems like it is all twisted
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It seems like it is all twisted.
It is. Your ex is continuing to create scenarios to abuse you via the children. If the goats were THAT important he should have made arrangements for their care and accommodation. Instead he used them as yet another weapon to bludgeon you. It's never really about the goats. Or the wood stove or whatever else. It's about him continuing to abuse you. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.
Do you feel strong enough to take a good long break from contact with your family? I know it must be heartbreaking to have your children included in this dynamic, but as long as you are available as a scapegoat, he will continue what he has been doing for years. You have to be the one to step out of the dance, because he is never going to stop what he is doing. It works for him.
It is. Your ex is continuing to create scenarios to abuse you via the children. If the goats were THAT important he should have made arrangements for their care and accommodation. Instead he used them as yet another weapon to bludgeon you. It's never really about the goats. Or the wood stove or whatever else. It's about him continuing to abuse you. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.
Do you feel strong enough to take a good long break from contact with your family? I know it must be heartbreaking to have your children included in this dynamic, but as long as you are available as a scapegoat, he will continue what he has been doing for years. You have to be the one to step out of the dance, because he is never going to stop what he is doing. It works for him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Cricket.....I think you response was perfect!!
It is true...if she does want to know...she can ask....and, then you can tell....
I think, from what I remember of you, that, in the past, you would have ago nized and driven your blood pressure sky high!
I think you have made a LOT of progress!!
dandylion
It is true...if she does want to know...she can ask....and, then you can tell....
I think, from what I remember of you, that, in the past, you would have ago nized and driven your blood pressure sky high!
I think you have made a LOT of progress!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C-
Great response. You are not trying to "defend" your actions. There is always 2 sides to every story. If she is not ready to hear your side and only his, it wouldn't make a bit of difference if the "Pope" needed them and you had to give them up.
You let her know, and she can ask. Our children are still 1/2 our addicts so they also have the "personalities" just like them. We have learned not to engage with the addict, in some ways we need to step back and do the same to our loving children.
Hugs my friend, you can't win here so give it to God to worry about!!
Great response. You are not trying to "defend" your actions. There is always 2 sides to every story. If she is not ready to hear your side and only his, it wouldn't make a bit of difference if the "Pope" needed them and you had to give them up.
You let her know, and she can ask. Our children are still 1/2 our addicts so they also have the "personalities" just like them. We have learned not to engage with the addict, in some ways we need to step back and do the same to our loving children.
Hugs my friend, you can't win here so give it to God to worry about!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
thanks friends as much as I would like to show her all the "evidence" it would be a no win situation so until she want to really know and not take digs at me I will not do anything.
again thanks
Cricket
again thanks
Cricket
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
When my X runs out of crap to say about me to my kids, he just starts making it up. I am usto it by now.
My kids see, through my own behavior, who I am. They also see through his behavior who he is.
When she is ready, she will see it, likely not until then.
Many, many hugs.
My kids see, through my own behavior, who I am. They also see through his behavior who he is.
When she is ready, she will see it, likely not until then.
Many, many hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I wouldn't show her any evidence to be honest. The less your children are involved in the issues between you and your ex the better. Looking at correspondence between you and your husband, atty's and the like is not the business of children even IF it is to show he is a liar. What happens is the children get caught in the middle and see too much. Then she goes back to Dad, dad tells more lies, daughter gets more upset.
You handled the response brilliantly. If she does call and she does want to know just keep it brief "I could not care for them and your father was unwilling to financially support them. I placed them with people who could" END of story.
She wasn't financially supporting them or caring for them. Sounds like she is just repeating what her father said and frankly the "I had a dream" is skeptical as well.
You handled the response brilliantly. If she does call and she does want to know just keep it brief "I could not care for them and your father was unwilling to financially support them. I placed them with people who could" END of story.
She wasn't financially supporting them or caring for them. Sounds like she is just repeating what her father said and frankly the "I had a dream" is skeptical as well.
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