StrongBird

I bought a house last spring and in spite of a clean inspection, there have been so many issues. This is currently the season of plumbing issues. Within the past month, I've had a clogged kitchen sink drain, frozen pipes, and just this evening, a clogged bathroom sink drain. After trying Drano, a plunger, a snake, and eventually taking apart the pipes and cleaning out the trap, it's clear and flowing well. But I am totally jacked up.

I think I have this huge fear of something "too big" happening; something that I won't be able to come back from. And then it'll publicly reveal me as the fraud that I obviously am. Like, somehow this is going to result in a huge water leak that somehow insurance won't cover, and I won't be able to afford to have it fixed and we'll end up in a house with no running water. I'm very worst-case-scenario these days. I feel like an imposter in my mostly fine looking life. Like the other shoe is going to drop. Do you guys feel this way too?

The flipping sink is fixed and I'm still irrationally anxious. It is half past midnight and I would really like to pound a few beers and go to sleep. But I know that won't help with my anxiety overall. I just need to power through this. I would really like to get outside of the trappings of my own mind right now though.

Maffers

Yep, in fact I have had that feeling since I was 12. It was one of the major reasons I drank to put my brain on dumb mode so I could sleep. Course wasn't a good sleep and woke up the next day drained. Finally when I was in treatment I decided it was a good time to talk to a therapist about this, since it was such a trigger to relapse. I would highly suggest getting into therapy and discussing this with a professional. That way you can get some clarity of why you feel this shadow of gloom hanging over you. Best of luck.

StrongBird

YES! This is exactly how I feel. I wish I could go into dumb mode safely. I love that term though... it really is what I'm looking for.

Thanks for responding and understanding. I think the therapy suggestion is probably spot on, even though it scares me a lot.

Maffers

I was scared at first and was the reason I was so long not willing to go to one. But once I did I felt a huge weight lifted off me, also a better understanding of myself.

Aurora7431

Sorry to hear about the house. Just think, spending money on booze drains the money you could be spending on renovations. 💰 I hope it gets only better from now on. Take care!

ScottFromWI

I'd agree with Maffers 100%. I used alcohol to try and combat my anxiety for decades. I waited until I was 45 to see a counselor for the first time, I wish I would have done so many years ago.

Dee74

I used to feel that way too Strong Bird.

Being comfortable in my own skin now helps a lot - as well as not making the outlandish claims I used to make as a drinker.

I also learned it's ok not to be perfect, and it's more than OK to be me

A house is a big responsibility for anyone but I reckon you're up to the challenge

Berrybean

I'm not sure that it's 'powering through' it that you need. More just to calm down a bit and take a good look at your perspective and your expectations.

There have been issues in the property, and you dealt with them (single handedly, which I couldn't have done). Now might be a good time to use that serenity prayer you learned in AA.

Serenity to accept the things you can't change - things that might (or might not) go wrong with the house.

Courage to change the things you can: - I suppose there are a few practical things that could help give you some peace of mind ...
Maybe ... look into the possibility of some evening classes in home maintenance if you're wanting to do all this stuff single handed.
Maybe ... collect together some emergency contacts for the times that isn't possible.
Maybe ... read through the insurance policy so you know what it does / doesn't cover (and even check out alternative policies available and change it over if yours isn't so great)
Maybe ... start a savings account up so that eventually you will have whatever the insurance excess is ready for emergencies in a savings account.

Most import though, is to remember that when those fearful thoughts come along, you can choose not to jump on them and go along for the ride. We have hundreds, no, thousands of thoughts float through our minds every day. Some rational. Some irrational. We have a tendency to stick like velcro to ones that rattle our fears or our resentments. But just because they rattled us, it doesn't mean they're valid or worthwhile. Remember in AA when they spoke about staying in the day? Keeping in the moment? That's what this is about. Practising ignoring those irrational thoughts - as someone pointed out to me: you don't have to jump on every train that comes through the station. Accepting that we can't control everything that we do know will happen, let alone the things that we don't know will ever happen. Trying to control what is impossible to control is like trying to lead an elephant by its tail when it wants to go the other way. It is tiring and frustrating and just saps us of energy that we need for a healthy sobriety.

Watch out for those HALT triggers. It's not just in early sobriety that they can bite us on the bum. They continue to be danger zones - especially if there is more than one out to play.
Hunger
Anger (frustrations or resentments)
Loneliness
Tiredness
I suspect that if you were busy doing all that work, then a few of these may well have been rocking your boat.

Hope you're feeling better soon

Soberwolf

Group & individual therapy has helped me

Meditation, Mindfulness & breathing exercises really help too

StrongBird

I LOVE this. It hit me right in the gut, but in a good way. The entire post was very helpful, but I love the train analogy. THANK YOU.

Berrybean

Glad it helped, and I know what you mean about it hitting you in the stomach. When I first heard it, it kind of stopped me in my tracks. I was chatting to the girls on the drive to an out-of-town meeting on Friday about this very thing, and we all concurred that we'd gone through most of our adult life being led by the nose by our fears and anxieties, reacting immediately to everything , like one of Pavlov dogs. It's been very freeing learning that things don't have to be this way for me. When I pray, I often ask for 10 seconds cushion time between what I experience, and how I react. This gives me time to loosen that velcro and make a proper choice about the next right thing to do.