almost blew it, somehow didn't
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 7
almost blew it, somehow didn't
So....today is my 14th day not drinking, and today I had a routine colonoscopy. I didn't expect any trouble. Got out, and on the way home got hit by the worst craving I'd had since I quit.
When we drove past the convenience store where I'd always bought my alcohol, I thought - I could go back after I get dropped off at home, buy a bottle of wine, and no one would know.
Got home, and there were cigarette coupons ($2 off a pack!) waiting in my mailbox. That made it worse...I quit smoking the same day I quit drinking, because buying cigarettes would take me into the convenience store where the alcohol was. But now I had a coupon that would make a pack only $3 and change...it sounded like a great reason to go.
And I could do it just this once...I could see myself walking over there, coming home and settling in with my bottle for the night...
And somehow I didn't. I remembered them telling me in rehab that any drug could screw with your sobriety, even anesthetics. I couldn't believe how strong the pull was today. I still can't believe I didn't go buy something.
At the last minute I started thinking, "But you've been so proud of yourself. You've been telling people about your 14 days. You'd feel sick tomorrow morning. And miserably guilty. And you KNOW it wouldn't be 'just this once' once you got started. Sit down in the chair and don't go out. Just...sit...down." Sometime after that the craving just went *poof*! Gone.
I don't know how this works. I scared myself to death today. I could've blown it so easily, completely blown it and been screwed again. It didn't even occur to me to come here and ask somebody to talk me down. I don't even know exactly why I'm posting, I just wanted to tell people who'd get what it was like. Thanks if you read this far, I know this went long.
When we drove past the convenience store where I'd always bought my alcohol, I thought - I could go back after I get dropped off at home, buy a bottle of wine, and no one would know.
Got home, and there were cigarette coupons ($2 off a pack!) waiting in my mailbox. That made it worse...I quit smoking the same day I quit drinking, because buying cigarettes would take me into the convenience store where the alcohol was. But now I had a coupon that would make a pack only $3 and change...it sounded like a great reason to go.
And I could do it just this once...I could see myself walking over there, coming home and settling in with my bottle for the night...
And somehow I didn't. I remembered them telling me in rehab that any drug could screw with your sobriety, even anesthetics. I couldn't believe how strong the pull was today. I still can't believe I didn't go buy something.
At the last minute I started thinking, "But you've been so proud of yourself. You've been telling people about your 14 days. You'd feel sick tomorrow morning. And miserably guilty. And you KNOW it wouldn't be 'just this once' once you got started. Sit down in the chair and don't go out. Just...sit...down." Sometime after that the craving just went *poof*! Gone.
I don't know how this works. I scared myself to death today. I could've blown it so easily, completely blown it and been screwed again. It didn't even occur to me to come here and ask somebody to talk me down. I don't even know exactly why I'm posting, I just wanted to tell people who'd get what it was like. Thanks if you read this far, I know this went long.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Congratulations on beating the AV. Cravings only last a few minutes. If we can keep saying "NO," the AV will become a bit weaker each time.
It really is a one day at a time process. Just don't drink today. Sounds like you won that one.
It really is a one day at a time process. Just don't drink today. Sounds like you won that one.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi crayon, an experience like yours was my turning point. Looking back, if I had turned off to the bottle shop instead of continuing on home I don't think I would have recovered. But I did keep going, and that was the decisive moment where recovery became viable.
What happened to you is a typical illustration of the good old AV. You had a slightly unnerving experience, it went well and you have the feeling of relief and getting it over with. This is precisely the moment the AV prompts you to celebrate by having a drink. One thing that always worked for me was that when a strong craving hit, I took 5 deep breaths, concentrating on my body as I did. This can be done even when driving, and it never failed to carry me through the moment.
Congratulations on holding on, you must be relieved and happy and you deserve to be.
What happened to you is a typical illustration of the good old AV. You had a slightly unnerving experience, it went well and you have the feeling of relief and getting it over with. This is precisely the moment the AV prompts you to celebrate by having a drink. One thing that always worked for me was that when a strong craving hit, I took 5 deep breaths, concentrating on my body as I did. This can be done even when driving, and it never failed to carry me through the moment.
Congratulations on holding on, you must be relieved and happy and you deserve to be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 292
Glad you beat the craving, pink crayon. I'm not surprised you felt vulnerable, colonoscopies are horrible 
Thankyou for posting and sharing this. I had a similar craving when in the supermarket, it's scary how it can take your breath away. It's nice to know i'm not alone.
I like the idea of the five deep breaths, think will try that next time.
Well done, you put that stupid buggering AV in it's place and both of us can keep on doing that!!
Thankyou for posting and sharing this. I had a similar craving when in the supermarket, it's scary how it can take your breath away. It's nice to know i'm not alone.
I like the idea of the five deep breaths, think will try that next time.
Well done, you put that stupid buggering AV in it's place and both of us can keep on doing that!!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I don't know if this will help you at all, but in my mind I now have formed a distinction between having an urge vs craving.
The urge is an automatic response to something that triggers me. Sometimes I know the source, other times I don't. But it doesn't matter because it's only an urge.
A craving seems to be something more active - like if I engage the urge, then it becomes a craving and will be in a battle I don't wish to fight. Because historically it's one I've tended to lose.
Just a thought.
The urge is an automatic response to something that triggers me. Sometimes I know the source, other times I don't. But it doesn't matter because it's only an urge.
A craving seems to be something more active - like if I engage the urge, then it becomes a craving and will be in a battle I don't wish to fight. Because historically it's one I've tended to lose.
Just a thought.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 7
Hi crayon, an experience like yours was my turning point. Looking back, if I had turned off to the bottle shop instead of continuing on home I don't think I would have recovered. But I did keep going, and that was the decisive moment where recovery became viable.
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