alliemay93

Hey everyone! I'm Allie and I just joined. I could really use some support and encouragement.

I've been enabling my boyfriend for the last 7 months since he moved in with my son (5 years old) and I, and after 2 days of him heavily drinking, stealing my debit card, telling me he never loved me and being physical with me, I ended it. I asked him to leave, and long story short, he ended up leaving in handcuffs after trying to fight the police its been a whirlwind.

He went back to his dad's house where he lived previously and he was told he wasn't welcome there until he got help.

Now he's messaging me, begging to come back and I've told him that isn't possible until he changes things. I feel so guilty, but I know I made the right. choice. I can't baby him anymore.

Sorry this is so long... Has anyone been in this situation before? I'd love to hear experiences. I'm so shaken

JK130

Hang on yes, you did the right thing for you and your child. Those behaviors are unacceptable.

Can you relax in a hot bath, then go to bed with a movie or a book. Lock the doors and turn off your phone. Do you feel safe tonight?

JK130

If it wouldn't disrupt your little boy, snuggling with him sounds good too!

Mags1

Hi alliemay, welcome to SR.

Don't feel guilty! He's the one who should be guilty, you've done nothing to deserve his behaviour.

You look after your son and yourself and let him sort himself out, if he can and wants to.

I've not experienced in what you've gone through, but someone will be along soon who has experienced similar problems from their partners.

Just wanted to say how brave you was and putting your son first and foremost, you both don't deserve and shouldn't have to put up with his behaviour.

alliemay93

Thank you. Yes I'm safe, secure apartment, and the police took my house keys from him. It's just the messages: he says he loves me, he's scared, he didn't understand the consequences.. But I think he's just desperate and I've always been the one to clean up his messes so I'm just the default

Hawkeye13

Yes, he's looking for a soft place to land.
If you make it easy for him he'll never choose to seek recovery.
For your sake, for his sake, and even more for your son who has no choice,
don't let him back and keep your home a peaceful and safe place.

Go no contact by blocking his number and not answering his calls.
He could get a job, stop drinking, and get his own place as an intelligent adult, right?
Keep you perspective and do what's best for you here.
He stole your debit card. That's not how loving, trustworthy partners behave.

Berrybean

Draw a line under it. Block his number. If not for you but for your child. I'm presuming from his fathers response that this is not the first time your EX has been violent while drunk. Letting him in, or you trying to change him would be enabling him further. You have enabled him before, so he's going to keep up the quacking for a bit because he hasn't accepted that he's really gone over the boundaries this time - despite the obvious signs like police and handcuffs.

The only person you can change is you.

Wishing for you: the serenity to accept the things you cannot change (other people and their choices); the courage to change the things you can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Refiner

You did the right thing. But I would take it a step further especially since he's already been physical with you. Get a Protection Order. He could get drunk then come beating in your door. Not that that would stop him, but the consequences of doing so would be more severe. Stay safe!

redatlanta

Domestic Violence is a way different animal than alcoholism. He didn't get physical with you because he was drunk, he got physical because he is an abuser.

Now he's messaging me, begging to come back and I've told him that isn't possible until he changes things. The change you are looking for would most likely take a couple of years and dedication to therapy as well as recovery. No fast fix here.

Steer clear of him hon. If its really hard just think of your child. Your child cannot defend abuse.

Is there a PO enforce since he was arrested?

wanttobehealthy

Block his number (hard as that may be), seek a restraining order to keep your child and yourself safe and do not do as I did and give an abusive drunk repeated chances to hurt you and traumatize your child.

I do not mean to sound harsh. I just can tell you that YES I've been in your shoes, but it was my xAH and not a boyfriend and yes I gave him chances to return and I will spend the rest of my life regretting what I subjected my kids to as a result of my choices.

The fact that HIS own family has set a boundary and won't allow him to go there, is a good sign that you should follow suit and set the same boundary too.

HHTexas

Welcome! Hugs!! Hang around this board and keep reading. Lots of love and wisdom. Keep an open mind. Put your little peanut first

atalose

Yes, I have been in this position and boy it wasn't a good place to be.

Often we own guilt that is not ours to own. He is no longer welcome in your home because of HIS behavior not because you did something wrong.

BUT as long as you remain in contact with him…………he’s basically still in your home and impacting you and your son’s life.

Please listen to the others and block him, get yourself to healthier ground (mind,spirit) and don’t allow him to manipulate you into letting him return. If he chooses recovery and sticks with a plan of action and remains sober for a decent period of time (year or more) then MAYBE entertain the idea of re-building a relationship but not now.

My mistakes were believing words and not having the ability within myself to wait and witness actions, real actions for a sustainable period of time.

Alanon helped me build the ability in myself to make healthier decisions for myself.

Maybe try and find a meeting in your area.

Praying

He loves you
He's scared
He's focused all on him and his needs and feelings...

And saying he didn't understand the consequences...
Doesn't mean he believes it was wrong, which is a little frightening. He just doesn't like what it means...

Please give yourself and your little one a big huge hug and RUN!!! No guilt whatsoever...

Bekindalways

Welcome Alliemay!

You absolutely did the right thing x1000 the right thing!

Thank you for doing this. It places him in a position to see the consequences of what he is doing and seek recovery (if that is at all possible) but most of all it protects you and your child from this horrible disease.