Self-preservation vs. Guilt; I feel paralyzed!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 2
Self-preservation vs. Guilt; I feel paralyzed!!!
Hello! I am somewhat unfamiliar with this community, so please for give me if I stick out like a sore thumb... I've been struggling for the past couple days to make sense of my circumstances so that I can equip myself with the skills necessary to move on and live a fulfilling life again. I'm immersed in an emotional fog right now, so I'm going to do my best to type this out:
I was raised in an alcoholic household. My mother drank excessively every night and my father served as her codependent spouse. My younger sister and I had no idea alcohol was in the picture until both of us reached adulthood, so both of us have memories of our mother doing inexcusable, irrational, and terrifying things regularly, but neither of us were raised to associate that with alcoholism. As a result, I think my sister and I both developed toxic habits; we have very low self-esteem internally but are capable of projecting confidence and stability, and both of us are more likely to try to fix interpersonal problems from within our respective selves than with help from other people who are involved. We also both have trust issues, but that product seems par for the course coming from an alcoholic household. Eventually our alcoholic mother left our father, insisting all our family's issues were his fault (my sister and I were shielded from the alcohol consumption, but we knew that our mother was the one inflicting chaos) and since then, I've been living with my father and sister while getting my degree.
That being said, I've worked very hard independently and with therapists in an attempt to regain some trust in my own perceptions and my sense of self. Within a year of my mother moving out, I felt consistently stronger and more alive than I had ever felt in the 17 years prior. Up until this point, because my mother was very controlling, I hadn't had many (if any..) genuine friendships, let alone relationships. The friendships I engaged in in those first few months of self-exploration were blissful and I learned to trust and share and be supportive like I'd never imagined was possible before. And about 16 months after my mother left, I met an amazing man... someone in whom I saw all the strong parts of myself and none of the weak. We clicked very quickly and started dating, a process which was so much more comfortable to me than I had previously anticipated. Our relationship was fantastic and I learned so much about living, communicating efficiently, loving wholeheartedly, and cohabiting healthily in the first year of it. He was patient and openminded, and the toxic habits I'd learned to identify were sooo easy to avoid indulging. I felt strong and invincible. I truly learned to trust someone else, and I floated through life in pursuit of my goals, achieving effortlessly! Which was very, very, very, very unfamiliar to me.
About 2 years into the relationship, my significant other started getting very depressed. He also has chronic health issues that exacerbated the persistent negativity he felt. I never doubted our relationship and took the depression as an opportunity to put my constructive skills to the test. I did well for awhile, but he habitually isolated himself and refused to pursue any sort of external help, which only fed his depressive symptoms. When he began to complain about everything in his life (positing a different external stimulus as the source of all his problems every day, it seemed), I tried to keep him grounded in reality by showing him that he is in control. After awhile, I became part of the problem in his mind, and I was very defensive in response to his complaints, even though I knew he was just reaching out for support and that he wasn't necessarily seeking practical validation. I wish I had done better, but I didn't, and by making his problems about me (by being defensive), I think I drove him further away. He started drinking more often and in larger quantities. Meanwhile, I fought the guilt I felt by trying to remain as supportive and loyal as possible. His complaints gradually became more aggressive (I am having a hard time figuring out whether the aggression was warranted or not) and I became more indebted to him (He made me feel truly lovable... for the first time!!! I wanted to show him the same support). In a span of about 6 months, he's graduated from casual drinker to full-blown alcoholic who blacks out every night. When I am there and he is drunk, he yells at me to leave him alone and often locks me out of his room.
I have left on more than one occasion, because I KNOW he won't feel the gravity of his decisions until I am entirely out of the picture. But I cannot handle the guilt that creeps in once he contacts me (consistently about a week into my avoidance). His messages are sometimes simple and pleading, but other times he accuses me of abandoning him after he stuck it out with me. He tells me he's contemplating suicide and that he values nothing other than escape. He often pursues other women, tears his belongings apart, drives recklessly and has no recollection of doing so the next day. He's nothing like he was 6 months ago. I'm so worried about him and I feel the codependent part of myself yearning to somehow miraculously relieve him of his problems so that I can be some sort of hero instead of the villain I identify with now....
Last night I left his house for what I've told myself was the last time. I've made arrangements with my aunt (who is also an alcoholic, but claims to have been sober for years now) to come stay with her in a different state while I finish my degree so that I can put some distance between myself and the object of my selfish attachment. It's only been a day and I'm packing all of my things and I can't seem to overcome this nagging fear that I'm leaving this wonderful man to be attacked by a pack of ravenous wolves all by himself. Selfishly, though, I am so worried that he is manipulating me. My vulnerability feels shameful and naive and while I know that the sober version of him that I met would never exploit that, I can't say the same about the person I see now.
I'm sorry this post is so long, and I'm sorry there is no explicit question attached to it, but if anyone here could provide any insight into my situation and the decisions I've made, I would greatly appreciate it! All of my options seem crippling and I think that is preventing me from being rational.
Thank you soooo much for taking the time to read and respond to this.
I was raised in an alcoholic household. My mother drank excessively every night and my father served as her codependent spouse. My younger sister and I had no idea alcohol was in the picture until both of us reached adulthood, so both of us have memories of our mother doing inexcusable, irrational, and terrifying things regularly, but neither of us were raised to associate that with alcoholism. As a result, I think my sister and I both developed toxic habits; we have very low self-esteem internally but are capable of projecting confidence and stability, and both of us are more likely to try to fix interpersonal problems from within our respective selves than with help from other people who are involved. We also both have trust issues, but that product seems par for the course coming from an alcoholic household. Eventually our alcoholic mother left our father, insisting all our family's issues were his fault (my sister and I were shielded from the alcohol consumption, but we knew that our mother was the one inflicting chaos) and since then, I've been living with my father and sister while getting my degree.
That being said, I've worked very hard independently and with therapists in an attempt to regain some trust in my own perceptions and my sense of self. Within a year of my mother moving out, I felt consistently stronger and more alive than I had ever felt in the 17 years prior. Up until this point, because my mother was very controlling, I hadn't had many (if any..) genuine friendships, let alone relationships. The friendships I engaged in in those first few months of self-exploration were blissful and I learned to trust and share and be supportive like I'd never imagined was possible before. And about 16 months after my mother left, I met an amazing man... someone in whom I saw all the strong parts of myself and none of the weak. We clicked very quickly and started dating, a process which was so much more comfortable to me than I had previously anticipated. Our relationship was fantastic and I learned so much about living, communicating efficiently, loving wholeheartedly, and cohabiting healthily in the first year of it. He was patient and openminded, and the toxic habits I'd learned to identify were sooo easy to avoid indulging. I felt strong and invincible. I truly learned to trust someone else, and I floated through life in pursuit of my goals, achieving effortlessly! Which was very, very, very, very unfamiliar to me.
About 2 years into the relationship, my significant other started getting very depressed. He also has chronic health issues that exacerbated the persistent negativity he felt. I never doubted our relationship and took the depression as an opportunity to put my constructive skills to the test. I did well for awhile, but he habitually isolated himself and refused to pursue any sort of external help, which only fed his depressive symptoms. When he began to complain about everything in his life (positing a different external stimulus as the source of all his problems every day, it seemed), I tried to keep him grounded in reality by showing him that he is in control. After awhile, I became part of the problem in his mind, and I was very defensive in response to his complaints, even though I knew he was just reaching out for support and that he wasn't necessarily seeking practical validation. I wish I had done better, but I didn't, and by making his problems about me (by being defensive), I think I drove him further away. He started drinking more often and in larger quantities. Meanwhile, I fought the guilt I felt by trying to remain as supportive and loyal as possible. His complaints gradually became more aggressive (I am having a hard time figuring out whether the aggression was warranted or not) and I became more indebted to him (He made me feel truly lovable... for the first time!!! I wanted to show him the same support). In a span of about 6 months, he's graduated from casual drinker to full-blown alcoholic who blacks out every night. When I am there and he is drunk, he yells at me to leave him alone and often locks me out of his room.
I have left on more than one occasion, because I KNOW he won't feel the gravity of his decisions until I am entirely out of the picture. But I cannot handle the guilt that creeps in once he contacts me (consistently about a week into my avoidance). His messages are sometimes simple and pleading, but other times he accuses me of abandoning him after he stuck it out with me. He tells me he's contemplating suicide and that he values nothing other than escape. He often pursues other women, tears his belongings apart, drives recklessly and has no recollection of doing so the next day. He's nothing like he was 6 months ago. I'm so worried about him and I feel the codependent part of myself yearning to somehow miraculously relieve him of his problems so that I can be some sort of hero instead of the villain I identify with now....
Last night I left his house for what I've told myself was the last time. I've made arrangements with my aunt (who is also an alcoholic, but claims to have been sober for years now) to come stay with her in a different state while I finish my degree so that I can put some distance between myself and the object of my selfish attachment. It's only been a day and I'm packing all of my things and I can't seem to overcome this nagging fear that I'm leaving this wonderful man to be attacked by a pack of ravenous wolves all by himself. Selfishly, though, I am so worried that he is manipulating me. My vulnerability feels shameful and naive and while I know that the sober version of him that I met would never exploit that, I can't say the same about the person I see now.
I'm sorry this post is so long, and I'm sorry there is no explicit question attached to it, but if anyone here could provide any insight into my situation and the decisions I've made, I would greatly appreciate it! All of my options seem crippling and I think that is preventing me from being rational.
Thank you soooo much for taking the time to read and respond to this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Hi nudlebon, welcome to the forum. So sorry for the reason you are here, but glad that you are reaching out! I'm pretty new here myself and don't pretend that I have everything figured out at all but I wanted to share a couple of thoughts that came while reading your post.
First of all, you can't be his hero, but you aren't a villain either. You didn't cause his disease, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. As much as you want to jump in and fix everything for him, you just can't. And even if you could, it wouldn't be healthy for him if you did! He has to want to change for himself, and he has to do the work for himself. Absolutely nothing you do or don't do will make that decision for him if he doesn't want it.
I've stayed a long time in a relationship with an addict. We've been up and down the rollercoaster so many times at this point. I've always come back, supported, tried to "fix" everything for her. I've recently started to realize that I want off the rollercoaster. She's in rehab now and I really hope that she will get off with me and stay off, but I know that if she gets back on again, I'm going to stay on the sidelines for good this time. I wish I had taken the steps to separate from her a long time ago. I think it would have been good, and maybe if we had taken some time apart for a while, we could be in a healthier place right now. I think it's great that you are going to stay with family now and get some distance to clear your head.
Finally, have you ever checked out Al-Anon? It's done wonders for me, helped me build my self-confidence and really focus on making myself healthy for the first time in a long time. It sounds like you had a taste of what living an authentic, healthy life was for a while after you got out from under your mom. Maybe Al-Anon could help you regain some of those feelings of self-sufficiency that have been buried under these last months of living with an active alcoholic.
Best of luck to you! Stick around here and keep posting. There is so much wisdom and experience here, you can just soak it up all day if you need to!
First of all, you can't be his hero, but you aren't a villain either. You didn't cause his disease, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. As much as you want to jump in and fix everything for him, you just can't. And even if you could, it wouldn't be healthy for him if you did! He has to want to change for himself, and he has to do the work for himself. Absolutely nothing you do or don't do will make that decision for him if he doesn't want it.
I've stayed a long time in a relationship with an addict. We've been up and down the rollercoaster so many times at this point. I've always come back, supported, tried to "fix" everything for her. I've recently started to realize that I want off the rollercoaster. She's in rehab now and I really hope that she will get off with me and stay off, but I know that if she gets back on again, I'm going to stay on the sidelines for good this time. I wish I had taken the steps to separate from her a long time ago. I think it would have been good, and maybe if we had taken some time apart for a while, we could be in a healthier place right now. I think it's great that you are going to stay with family now and get some distance to clear your head.
Finally, have you ever checked out Al-Anon? It's done wonders for me, helped me build my self-confidence and really focus on making myself healthy for the first time in a long time. It sounds like you had a taste of what living an authentic, healthy life was for a while after you got out from under your mom. Maybe Al-Anon could help you regain some of those feelings of self-sufficiency that have been buried under these last months of living with an active alcoholic.
Best of luck to you! Stick around here and keep posting. There is so much wisdom and experience here, you can just soak it up all day if you need to!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Welcome Nudlebon! I am so glad you found us and posted.
I am so very sorry that after such a tough childhood with alcoholism, you find yourself once again affected by this horrible addiction. You do seem to have a lot of knowledge about codependency. This is great. Unfortunately the knowledge doesn't protect you from the pain of having to end what was once a wonderful relationship. Most of us here have been through something similar.
You might give alanon a try as it would be nice for you to have live human support for this difficult time. If alanon isn't for you (or even if it is), please come back and post all you want. There is a lot of wisdom here and most of us can empathize!!
I am so very sorry that after such a tough childhood with alcoholism, you find yourself once again affected by this horrible addiction. You do seem to have a lot of knowledge about codependency. This is great. Unfortunately the knowledge doesn't protect you from the pain of having to end what was once a wonderful relationship. Most of us here have been through something similar.
You might give alanon a try as it would be nice for you to have live human support for this difficult time. If alanon isn't for you (or even if it is), please come back and post all you want. There is a lot of wisdom here and most of us can empathize!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Nudlebon, I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I agree with your plan for taking yourself out of the picture for a while, because I think both you and your ABF need some distance to get clarity, and break a toxic pattern. Think of it as giving him a chance to find his inner strength and act like an adult, rather than abandoning him. His fall-back at the moment seems to be you, and it's feeding a sick pattern that isn't helping either of you.
Do you think talking to your father would help? He may have some insights on being attached to an out of control addict.
I urge you at this early point in your life to continue with your education, without the emotional turmoil of this relationship. This is your chance to set yourself up for a future employment and everything that comes with it. Make it your priority; women, for some reason, seem to find it hard to put themselves first.
Do you think talking to your father would help? He may have some insights on being attached to an out of control addict.
I urge you at this early point in your life to continue with your education, without the emotional turmoil of this relationship. This is your chance to set yourself up for a future employment and everything that comes with it. Make it your priority; women, for some reason, seem to find it hard to put themselves first.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I second all the advice above-great stuff. A break would be a good thing at this point with him. It does sound like he fell off the deep end quickly-that is not uncommon with an alcoholic. There is nothing you can do to fix it-and like someone said above, he's got to pick himself up and rebuild himself all on his own-any rescuing is not helping him and truly is just serving your need to be needed and save him. That being saud, I applaud you for coming to get help for yourself-and learn. SR is such a great place-I've found more insight, strength, friendship and experience here than anywhere else. I only wish I had come here two years into my marriage instead of towards the end-I wonder if I had stepped back and gotten my **** together earlier if we could have made it-before he went full into the abyss. I can't recall if you said, do you have a counselor? Celebrate recovery would help too-it sounds like you have a good handle on your childhood issues-I too was raised in an alcoholic home and definitely carried the burden of abuse and things with me for decades. And as you know, having a parebt that is an alcoholic usually means we end up with alcoholics-funny how that works! Anyway, this doesn't sound like a long term life for you-as people say around gere, this day is the best it's going to get unless he stops and seeks treatment for the rest of his life. I wish I had learned that about ten years ago-I wouldn't be where I am now. But we learn, grow and pursue peace-it's time for you to find yours and put your needs first. Peace to you-and welcome!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"I can't seem to overcome this nagging fear that I'm leaving this wonderful man to be attacked by a pack of ravenous wolves all by himself."
This is serious Codie talk. Please listen to the wisdom you will find in this forum. Read the stickies, read the "quackers" threads too. Start going to alanon meetings and get counseling with someone who has expertise with adult children of alcoholics. Doesn't matter if you weren't aware of alcohol in the picture growing up. That's like denying you have a fatal illness because you didn't see the germ when it infected you or the cancer when it started growing.
Please do this for yourself. It's not easy, but taking the other path, believing you can "save" or "heal" someone else will prevent you from ever living your own life and finding peace and happiness. Guaranteed.
It is not "selfish" to consider that someone is manipulating you. That is healthy behavior. Thinking it is selfish is codependency and unhealthy.
This is serious Codie talk. Please listen to the wisdom you will find in this forum. Read the stickies, read the "quackers" threads too. Start going to alanon meetings and get counseling with someone who has expertise with adult children of alcoholics. Doesn't matter if you weren't aware of alcohol in the picture growing up. That's like denying you have a fatal illness because you didn't see the germ when it infected you or the cancer when it started growing.
Please do this for yourself. It's not easy, but taking the other path, believing you can "save" or "heal" someone else will prevent you from ever living your own life and finding peace and happiness. Guaranteed.
It is not "selfish" to consider that someone is manipulating you. That is healthy behavior. Thinking it is selfish is codependency and unhealthy.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
nudlebon......I strongly suggest that you consider looking into Adult Children of Alocholics.
I think it would resonate with you, very much.
Alanon s great....and I am not saying anything against it..but, your entire life has been altered by living in alcoholism for your entire life, it seems.....
We have a section for Adult Children of Alcoholics, here on SR....maybe, check that out, also.
I noted that you said that you tend to try to work things out from within yourself......well, there comes a time when one has to be willing to accept help for others who understand and know how to help YOU.....
You sound to me like an academician or a person who intellectualizes, a great deal.....so, maybe you can google and study this group that I suggest.
You are so wise to get some time and space from the immediate crisis situation.....it is amazing what that can do for one's perspective......
dandylion
I think it would resonate with you, very much.
Alanon s great....and I am not saying anything against it..but, your entire life has been altered by living in alcoholism for your entire life, it seems.....
We have a section for Adult Children of Alcoholics, here on SR....maybe, check that out, also.
I noted that you said that you tend to try to work things out from within yourself......well, there comes a time when one has to be willing to accept help for others who understand and know how to help YOU.....
You sound to me like an academician or a person who intellectualizes, a great deal.....so, maybe you can google and study this group that I suggest.
You are so wise to get some time and space from the immediate crisis situation.....it is amazing what that can do for one's perspective......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I think that no matter how hard we try not to, our family of origin experiences, inevitably impact the relationship choices we make... Or at least that seems to be a common thread here...
My xAH, when he sensed that I actually MEANT what I said about leaving, while I was still in the coming and going and not sure what to do phase (which lasted many years and my poor kids were impacted bc of it), would pull out ALL the stops to guilt me to stay...
Threats of suicide were among his favorite. I somehow could not resist the need to prove to him that I WAS a caring person to contradict his claims I was not and so the suicidal threats, like those of your boyfriend, always lured me back.
What stopped that? The last time he made a threat like that in writing (after I had left him for good) I called 911 and reported it and the whole cavalry showed up at his apt.
He was making those suicide threats to bait and guilt me.
Once he knew I would show concern and involve the authorities to assess his mental state (and he was embarassed by that occuring) the suicide threats never happened again.
It's easy for me to say to stand your ground and not respond to your ABF's FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) efforts to suck you in... But I know it is much harder.
For me, limited contact as much as possible was the only way I could untangle myself from the alcoholics mind game/guilt tripping insanity...
I think you know he's bad news for you... trust your gut.
Glad you are here.
My xAH, when he sensed that I actually MEANT what I said about leaving, while I was still in the coming and going and not sure what to do phase (which lasted many years and my poor kids were impacted bc of it), would pull out ALL the stops to guilt me to stay...
Threats of suicide were among his favorite. I somehow could not resist the need to prove to him that I WAS a caring person to contradict his claims I was not and so the suicidal threats, like those of your boyfriend, always lured me back.
What stopped that? The last time he made a threat like that in writing (after I had left him for good) I called 911 and reported it and the whole cavalry showed up at his apt.
He was making those suicide threats to bait and guilt me.
Once he knew I would show concern and involve the authorities to assess his mental state (and he was embarassed by that occuring) the suicide threats never happened again.
It's easy for me to say to stand your ground and not respond to your ABF's FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) efforts to suck you in... But I know it is much harder.
For me, limited contact as much as possible was the only way I could untangle myself from the alcoholics mind game/guilt tripping insanity...
I think you know he's bad news for you... trust your gut.
Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome!
You have gotten some great input, but I just wanted to welcome you to our forum, you will get lots of support here. You are not alone. You may not recognize it, but the internal work you have done comes shining through in your post. Being able to articulate the situation, your own strengths and challenges, and lay out your options, is a huge accomplishment in and of itself. Be proud of all of that work.
Guilt kept me with a mentally unstable alcoholic and RX drug addict for years. We married and have children together, which is terrible. Having to try to coparent with him is a nightmare for me, and even more so for my children. It is true pain for all involved. We are divorced, and I wasted so many years trying to be his rock, hoping I could change this for him. Instead, I lost a big part of myself that took a lot of hard work to gain back.
You deserve more. Keep posting, you are not alone. We are glad you are here!
You have gotten some great input, but I just wanted to welcome you to our forum, you will get lots of support here. You are not alone. You may not recognize it, but the internal work you have done comes shining through in your post. Being able to articulate the situation, your own strengths and challenges, and lay out your options, is a huge accomplishment in and of itself. Be proud of all of that work.
Guilt kept me with a mentally unstable alcoholic and RX drug addict for years. We married and have children together, which is terrible. Having to try to coparent with him is a nightmare for me, and even more so for my children. It is true pain for all involved. We are divorced, and I wasted so many years trying to be his rock, hoping I could change this for him. Instead, I lost a big part of myself that took a lot of hard work to gain back.
You deserve more. Keep posting, you are not alone. We are glad you are here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 2
Thanks to all of you who've responded. Your affirmation has been very helpful. Al-Anon was recommended to me years ago and I've avoided it for some inscrutable reason, but I now see the importance of involving myself in communities of people who have experience dealing with circumstances like my own. I've learned so much in the past few hours from the Adult Children of Alcoholics subforum here as well. I'm so grateful to have access to so much support.
In my initial post, I mentioned that I was moving across the country to live with my aunt (who is an alcoholic but claims to be sober). I said that in an attempt to obscure my identity in case someone I know were to stumble upon my post, but I now realize the relevance of the fact that the person I am moving in with is actually my mother. The same mother whose alcoholism and abuse contributed a lot to the problems I have today. I worry that my decision to move in with her is impulsive and potentially harmful. She claims to be sober, but she recently had surgery and has been taking a lot of pain medicine (something she has had problems with in the past) to recover.
Also, I'd really like to meet up with my ex before I leave, to explain that I love him so much and to convey how instrumental his love and support were to me. I desperately want him to get sober. All of my hopes for the future still involve him... I know he'll pursue other women immediately, which hurts, but I am even more worried that he'll recover in my absence and the interest he once had in me will be gone. I wish him the best, but I am so afraid and alone. I miss him. I have no driver's license because of logistical constraints. I have no friends in the area that I didn't meet through him. I didn't enroll in classes this semester, so I'm stranded at home every day with nothing to do but doubt the decisions I've made. I'm SO scared and I'd like more than anything to be strong, but I cry all the time and can't seem to distract myself at all. It feels pathetic.
In my initial post, I mentioned that I was moving across the country to live with my aunt (who is an alcoholic but claims to be sober). I said that in an attempt to obscure my identity in case someone I know were to stumble upon my post, but I now realize the relevance of the fact that the person I am moving in with is actually my mother. The same mother whose alcoholism and abuse contributed a lot to the problems I have today. I worry that my decision to move in with her is impulsive and potentially harmful. She claims to be sober, but she recently had surgery and has been taking a lot of pain medicine (something she has had problems with in the past) to recover.
Also, I'd really like to meet up with my ex before I leave, to explain that I love him so much and to convey how instrumental his love and support were to me. I desperately want him to get sober. All of my hopes for the future still involve him... I know he'll pursue other women immediately, which hurts, but I am even more worried that he'll recover in my absence and the interest he once had in me will be gone. I wish him the best, but I am so afraid and alone. I miss him. I have no driver's license because of logistical constraints. I have no friends in the area that I didn't meet through him. I didn't enroll in classes this semester, so I'm stranded at home every day with nothing to do but doubt the decisions I've made. I'm SO scared and I'd like more than anything to be strong, but I cry all the time and can't seem to distract myself at all. It feels pathetic.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
nudlebon....I have a suggestion for you: Make a list of the three or four greatest obstacles that you see from moving yourself forward.....
Then, begin to think of the simplest baby steps that you can take towards overcoming each obstacle....(one at a time)....
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step......
a jug of water fills by one drop at a time......
Are there any groups. within commuting distance, in the oplace that you are now living.....
If so, someone will be willing to give you a lift.....
dandylion
Then, begin to think of the simplest baby steps that you can take towards overcoming each obstacle....(one at a time)....
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step......
a jug of water fills by one drop at a time......
Are there any groups. within commuting distance, in the oplace that you are now living.....
If so, someone will be willing to give you a lift.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Nudlebon please get to an alanon meeting as soon as you can. It may take several tries to get the "right" one for you, but the people there can help you find some resources. It seems as though you are somewhat isolated and I can see in your post many situations that codependents create in their lives. Please work the program, work the steps. They hold the roadmap for you to create a great life for yourself. "Codependent no more" is necessary reading, by melodie Beattie. Don't give up, you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
N,
Welcome to SR. You have found a place that people will understand what you have lived with and are going through.
I will respond to your second post. With support from Alanon and SR, you can "survive" living with your mother. What you will learn is how to detach from the crazyness of living with an alcoholic. Just because your mother has gotten "sober" doesn't mean that she has dealt with her issues. She could do the same things she did when she was drinking. I understand that you have no transportation, you might go to a meeting and reach out to see if someone would pick you up for the meetings. There are some wonderful people in alanon. They say here on SR "It isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkenness." when you are dealing with your mom.
What you want for your boyfriend really doesn't matter in the equation. Everyone on friends and family "desperately" want our addicts to get sober. It is out of our hands. IMO I would not reach out and explain anything to him. It will only hurt you and prolong the pain you will go through to detach from this man. We all love our addicts, but you have to understand, we can not love their addiction "away". It really has to hit rock bottom for an addict to "recover". I know that you want to be there for him, but this is truly a one man show.
I know you say he pursues other women..... Every addict needs an enabler. Not just your boyfriend. Don't take it personally, but he will reach out and someone will take him in and "try" and help him. It hurts and it hurts bad, but it is part of the disease.
I would put your big girl pants on and go back to school. You have put yourself on hold for a man that can't take care of himself. You have a lot of time on your hands. Read, read more and keep reading. Educate yourself about this horrible disease. You will eventually "get it". You will never understand it as we are not addicts, but you can get it. You will learn to deal with the pain that your family has caused you. You will learn to stop enabling other people. There is so much to learn and execute.
Hugs my friend, we are your friends and we understand!!!!
Welcome to SR. You have found a place that people will understand what you have lived with and are going through.
I will respond to your second post. With support from Alanon and SR, you can "survive" living with your mother. What you will learn is how to detach from the crazyness of living with an alcoholic. Just because your mother has gotten "sober" doesn't mean that she has dealt with her issues. She could do the same things she did when she was drinking. I understand that you have no transportation, you might go to a meeting and reach out to see if someone would pick you up for the meetings. There are some wonderful people in alanon. They say here on SR "It isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkenness." when you are dealing with your mom.
What you want for your boyfriend really doesn't matter in the equation. Everyone on friends and family "desperately" want our addicts to get sober. It is out of our hands. IMO I would not reach out and explain anything to him. It will only hurt you and prolong the pain you will go through to detach from this man. We all love our addicts, but you have to understand, we can not love their addiction "away". It really has to hit rock bottom for an addict to "recover". I know that you want to be there for him, but this is truly a one man show.
I know you say he pursues other women..... Every addict needs an enabler. Not just your boyfriend. Don't take it personally, but he will reach out and someone will take him in and "try" and help him. It hurts and it hurts bad, but it is part of the disease.
I would put your big girl pants on and go back to school. You have put yourself on hold for a man that can't take care of himself. You have a lot of time on your hands. Read, read more and keep reading. Educate yourself about this horrible disease. You will eventually "get it". You will never understand it as we are not addicts, but you can get it. You will learn to deal with the pain that your family has caused you. You will learn to stop enabling other people. There is so much to learn and execute.
Hugs my friend, we are your friends and we understand!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Hi Nudlebon, I was happy to see you posted again.
I second Dandylion's suggestion of just starting to take baby steps no matter how small. Do this also with taking care of yourself in whatever way you can: drink water, eat some vegetables, floss, go for a walk.
This will be a time of deep and painful grieving where you need to be kind and gentle with yourself. However whenever and in whatever way you can make a bit of progress towards constructing a new life.
You are one brave and smart woman! Keep coming back and posting.
I second Dandylion's suggestion of just starting to take baby steps no matter how small. Do this also with taking care of yourself in whatever way you can: drink water, eat some vegetables, floss, go for a walk.
This will be a time of deep and painful grieving where you need to be kind and gentle with yourself. However whenever and in whatever way you can make a bit of progress towards constructing a new life.
You are one brave and smart woman! Keep coming back and posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Just my two cents: moving back in with your alcoholic mother does sound a little impulsive to me. Your gut is telling you that she is still using pain pills, and who knows if she's really off booze--you don't sound sure. But it sounds like living with your father is pretty stable. So why not stay and figure out how to set a boundary with this guy? You might develop a lot of confidence in yourself by doing this. You won't always be able to run away from unhealthy relationships, at some point you have to learn to stand up for yourself, and going to live with your mother sounds like an out of the frying pan and into the fire decision.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Maybe I'm overanalyzing here, but perhaps the urge to go back to your mom is in some way your alternative to rescuing your SO? You've left your SO, and you feel awful and guilty for "abandoning" him. Perhaps this is your way of trying to regain hope - if you can have a functioning relationship with your mom after all she's done -maybe you can preserve your relationship your boyfriend.
Unfortunately, 1) the relationship you have with your mom and the relationship you have with your boyfriend operate independently of each other and 2) by moving in with your mom, despite the warning signals, you're walking straight into the rescuer role that you wanted to avoid in the first place.
Maia said...
Ditto. In bold, big flashing letters underscored for kicks.
Unfortunately, 1) the relationship you have with your mom and the relationship you have with your boyfriend operate independently of each other and 2) by moving in with your mom, despite the warning signals, you're walking straight into the rescuer role that you wanted to avoid in the first place.
Maia said...
I know you say he pursues other women..... Every addict needs an enabler. Not just your boyfriend. Don't take it personally, but he will reach out and someone will take him in and "try" and help him. It hurts and it hurts bad, but it is part of the disease.
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