thomas11

I've stated before that writing is therapeutic for me, and that's what this post is. I'm sure there are others here in which your responses are much more urgent.

While I have made a few steps forward, it is counterbalanced by some things that are leaving me frustrated and empty. I had grand plans when I got back from vacation to get going, and I got a cold, which for the 3rd time in 6 years developed into pneumonia. I am physically worthless, and it weighs on me heavily. I cannot exercise, I am overweight, get tired easily etc...much of my self worth for much of my life has been my physical abilities, and its depressing. But I believe I am wise enough now to know that I must let myself heal before i tackle my new exercise program. My lungs are full of fluid.

Mentally, each day is the same as the previous one, and tomorrow will be the same as today. This is not good. I've mentioned before I drink out of boredom and as a reward. I certainly don't deserve a reward, but I am bored and frustrated. I do have my meeting with a headhunter/business coach tomorrow and I have prepared an agenda of talking points. BFD. With all this free time my mind constantly grinds about a plethora of ideas and thoughts. In the past I would get drunk to make it quit. Really don't want to do that.

I've done quite well with my medication, I have what is probably too much of both oxycodone and Valium in the medicine cabinet but the Valium hasn't been touched in weeks, and we are getting pretty serious about getting weened off the oxycodone. It involves some sleepless nights and lack of appetite, but it is going the right direction.

Family matters are pretty square, wife and I are doing well, she is proud of me. Love my dad more and more every day and in years past we've almost thrown punches. Brother..meh. My mom got drunk again and told me once again she was following me on facebook and didn't approve of who I was communicating with. Blocked her, she's 70, I'm sure she has no idea what happened. Probably thinks she needs a new computer. That's actually kind of funny, because she will go buy one.

Lastly, and this is important to me but my previous paragraphs are probably connect more with members of this forum. My future employment. My father was pretty successful and he told me that my resume right now is as powerful as it will ever be, so "go for it". Yet I have been browsing online for positions and there are a few that interest me, its going to be difficult. I need/want to find a good job (doesn't everyone?). I'm nervous, yet I'm not. My next move regarding my employment is probably the most important decision of my life to date. Its like a poker game with A LOT of chips on the table. These are waters that are to be navigated carefully. And if I eff up, I won't get a second chance. I'm at that age. I got one shot. Is it stressful? hell yes.

Anyway, I know this is probably very selfish of me to post this stuff, but I feel better posting here with people I'm comfortable with, than jumping in my truck and heading up to the bar with a few bucks, getting drunk to forget about these things, and have my wife pick me up at midnight. Therefore, that's why I did it.

doggonecarl

Second most. The most important decision is that decision not to drink.

Stay stong.

soberclover

As the sober years began to accumulate so did the realities of life. I have some days when I easily fly out the door to tackle life head on and other days I can't seem to drag myself off the couch. Recovery for me is so much more than just not drinking or using; it is figuring out how to do this life stuff...and it sure is challenging. But I do know I'm not alone...and your post confirms this

paddyjnr1

My Therapist once told me "Paddy the first thing you put before your recovery is the next thing you will loose"

Eg. if i put work first and foremost which some of us do and become workaholics, eventually we become worn out and a drink comes to mind, we pick up a drink and for some we find it so hard to get back, we hit another rock bottom and lose our jobs.

Fly N Buy

In sobriety I've learned the world isn't black or white but gray. Those things I think are literally the most important decisions of my life - holy crap, don't screw this one up , I may not get another - for god's sakes .......ahhhhhhh!!!

These absolutes simple were not true. When I started to get emotionally sober, I laughed at some of my jazzz........In fact, I am certain old initial threads of mine are cringe worthy. (Of course some current ones are as well too, certainly

It's just life man - don't take it so seriously. I found I have Cadillac problems. I won't go hungry or without shelter in all likelyhood. The guy on my shoulder who wanted me to drink could get me fearful about getting the mail, turning the TV channel or answering my phone.......Insanity.

If I got a flat tire while most people would call AAA I'd have to call a suicide hotline......wow

Breathe........this too shall (well, you know)

mav

Hey Thomas, thanks for posting. You and I have many similarities.

For all the mixed up frustration and unease you're feeling, I actually see a lot of positivity in what you said. The employment thing.. Sure it's scary and stressful but I get the sense it's also exciting! You have a great opportunity to do something new! Get outside your comfort zone and take some risks... That's awesome. Think of it another way... What's the worst thing that could happen? It goes ****-up and you have to try again. That's the BFD! Last Chance? No way. I think you can somehow capitalise on this and focus on all the positives that could come out of this. Sure it may -(more like probably) won't go perfectly first time, but that's the best bit! Enjoy the ride... You'll find something great at the end. Don't let the fear get in the way. You could treat this the same way you treat sobriety... Have a resolve, have a solid plan, stick to it and just to go for it.

SoberLeigh

I'm really happy that you posted about all of this, Jeff.

Recovery is about so much more than not drinking. Discussing the issues which concern you and which may trigger you or have triggered in the past is a wise step along the road to recovery.

Pneumonia is not something to take lightly; it's serious and can make you feel absolutely rotten; it is also very draining and interferes with your ability to think properly and physically get through the day.

I understand how weary you are from resting, healing and taking it easy but that just what you need to do to get over the pneumonia.

As for your job opportunities, I hope that you strive for what you will find rewarding and is a source of happiness.

Feel better, my friend.

emme99

Pneumonia is serious. Please take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon.

thomas11

Thanks all. Pretty close to grabbing a bunch of cash and heading south. Find a hotel on the beach...see how it goes until the end of the road. The people in my life suck. And that's being nice. ta-ta.

thomas11

And when I say south, I mean from Minnesota to Florida, Texas or Arizona, and I will drive all night....no problem.

Anna

Jeff, you have lots of support here and people who care about you.

Try to take a step back. You've had pneumonia three times recently and that's got to take a physical and emotional toll on you. And, facing a job search is daunting, but by the sound of it you have a good resume and, I'm sure that you will connect with the right job.

Dee74

I spent 30 years running away from my problems, metaphorically running anyway....Doesn't work

Spent the same amount of time trying to alleviate boredom and other frustrations with a bottle., That doesn't work either.

I think your first priority right now is to get well Jeff. Pneumonias no picnic in the park.

There must be hobbies you enjoy, interests you want to follow up, or things you want to pursue that you can do from home.

Noone said you had to be bored while resting up
Heck even Sudoku is something to do....
D

thomas11

My first priority is getting the **** out of here.

thomas11

I will wait until my wife goes to bed, take a Valium to sleep. Take all the money and prescription drugs with me, and start heading south. I know people in south Florida, I will find them. I will spend time on the beach and figure things out. I obviously can't figure things out here. This whole thing is really bad.

FYI, my 70 year old mother set this whole firestorm off. Hope she's happy. Will never speak to her again, unless required by law.

SoberLeigh

(((Jeff))). Why not try to get some sleep; things may look better in the morning.

Truly.

Soberpotamus

Are you wanting to run from your family or run from yourself? I see in the first post you say you love your family and are getting along with your wife and dad. Then in another post you say the people in your life suck.

Who or what exactly do you want to escape?

You can change things in your life without running to Florida, right?

sg1970

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time Jeff.

As far as your mom goes do you ever visit the F&F section here? There's some great stuff on dealing with difficult people over there.

Hang in there buddy.

JK130

I hope you can get a good night's sleep, then reconsider running away.

You can vent about your mom here if it would help.

Stay safe and stay sober!

IfYouCanDream

Ahhh, geographical cures...

If only I went THERE, things would look up. Life would be better.

All I can do is share my experience - they never worked for me. You know why? Cause I always took myself with me.

thomas11

Can't deal with it, don't have to deal it, not going to deal with it. Came home to calmly explain it to my wife, she piled on as opposed to supporting me. Done. Out.