be81174

Hello!

I was very new to this forum just before Christmas. My ABH went over the line at a party and humiliated me in front of everyone and I "broke up" with him.

He started AA and begged for another chance. And begged. It was Christmas and I toughed it out with him and considered my options. He found my posts on this board!!!!!!!!!! There was even one where I confessed I had a crush on another person so of course he zeroed in on THAT rather than 4 months ago when I told him to stop drinking (he didn't listen and did nothing of course).

So - here I am...end of January. Still living with him. He's in AA. He seems just fine and more than willing to stick with it and counselling. But I am lukewarm. I think you could say that I don't really like him. I am annoyed with him all the time. I don't like to be touched by him. Or kissing him deeply. It feels like an assault. It's not getting much better even though I try. He just seems so needy and clingy and it bothers me.

We were only together for a year when I gave him the "last talk" about his drinking (which he didn't pay attention to, hence the horrible Christmas that ended in his joining AA and finally listening) ...so it's not like we have a long history together. He's like a stranger - even though I do care for him.

Has this happened to anyone? They finally, albeit late in the game, get themselves into recovery and you're like "meh - I'm done anyways...too little too late"????

SparkleKitty

You don't him anything, you know? If he only got into recovery to salvage the relationship, then he will have a hard time sticking to it no matter what happens.

Being with someone you don't really like, are annoyed with all the time, and feel assaulted by during intimate contact sounds torturous. You are not consigned to this relationship and have the right to end it at end time for any reason. Please consider if this is how you want to spend your one precious life.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like your done,
and yes, this happens all the time.
Too little recovery too late.
Addicts sometime just don't get how much their
addiction "costs" their partner, and goodwill and love
can run out when nothing changes despite many pleas and promises.
When (maybe?) recovery finally happens, it is difficult to trust and the heart may be too scarred.

But out of respect for him, you should be honest
and not prolong a false hope. That's unfair too.

be81174

I wondered if this was somewhat common. I never knew him sober, I have only known the binge drinker...he was wonderful sober but drunk most evenings. Now he's sober all the time but he's like a stranger..and I don't know if this is something that is "normal and passes" or if it's a signal of the end (of my ability to stay).

If this was a "normal" relationship, I would be clearer. I just felt I should give it a chance, in case it was a "normal" but passing phase I was going through. I do care for him a lot but I see him very differently. This whole relationship feels like it has been about what he needs and that's why when he wants intimacy it feels like he's draining me more...

I know it's not fair to stay when you aren't fully in it, but I wanted to be sure I put in some due diligence to see if there was anything salvageable. I'm still not %100 sure...

dandylion

be81174......if you have only known him drunk.....you have never even known the "real" him. Without the drink....for this very short time...you can hardly stand him......
It doesn't sound like you have any kind of foundation for a relationship---alcohol or not.....
This is not just a passing phase.....
I se a lot of heartbreak and unhappiness, ahead, for you.....

what does ABH stand for?

dandylion

paddyjnr1

I've seen plenty go to treatment for their wives and husbands when I worked in a treatment centre in Ireland, some even went in to avoid Court charges with no intention to give up the booze or drugs.
They took up 12 step meetings as they were obliged too as part of the program, at least 5 a week along with group meetings and one to ones.
I hear them speak 4 and 5 years on at 12 step meetings.
"I initially came in to get the wife off my back or courts but now I know I'm here for myself as I am enjoying my new found freedom

Maybe you could join alanon and get some help and guidance there because more often the victim of an alcoholic is more sick than the alcoholic himself/herself. You were the one that had to put up with his ******** through sober eyes and he probably cant remember half the stuff he done and said to you and the constant worry you've gone through. God knows you probably really need one and if it's to be you will get back together again .
I would definitely consider a break for a while but miraculous transformations can happen with a 12 step program in ones life.
My own wife had a nervous breakdown from my behavior and all I could say was to cop yourself on, I destroyed her mentally and physically,
I'm not happy to say it but it's the truth, by the way we never got back together but it was because of all the empty promises.
This is only my opinion on it and my story around what you must be going through. It's important that you get some help and be kind to yourself, let AA look after your partner.

FeelingGreat

It sounds like the relationship has run it's course. By the time you're getting so grumpy you don't like yourself any more, it's time to move on. This happens with and without alcohol involvement.

be81174

Sorry! ABH is a typo. I meant ABF... :-(