Notices

Ex boyfriend is alcoholic and left me feeling worthless

Old 01-21-2016, 10:44 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ireland
Posts: 4
Ex boyfriend is alcoholic and left me feeling worthless

Hi all

I split up with alcoholic boyfriend for the 3rd time ,
I have had a major row with my now ex alcoholic boyfriend,
he has been drinking at least 16 days straight since before Christmas I dont know if he is even gone back to work as his brother told me hes missing days with drinking, He vanished over Christmas he was suppose to take me shopping Christmas eve that morning he text me and said he wasn't going, I believe he had more important things to do like drink, he ignored my calls and texts over Christmas even a happy new year message.
I called over to his friends house to see if he had heard from him or what happened him, when he found out I went to his friends house he lost the plot and said that his friend isn't speaking to him now either and its my fault because I called over enquiring and said I was cheeky to do it but i only done it out of concern and he said he would have text me back in due time if I hadn't flew off the handle.
He was so angry with me he said he was sorry we ever got back together, and that we just had good sex and we weren't meant for each other im so hurt by him and even after saying all that he said he didnt want anyone else or didnt intend on having someone else and I know hes jealous if he thinks im moving on or trying too meet someone new.
Im at the end of my teher with it. we have fell out before and he always comes back saying he misses me. He said he was deleting my number anyway and this was because hes trying to get one over on me because I said I would change my number. I was talking to his brother he told me, that he goes on the drink like this ignores everyone including his so called best friend, he said he wont even get up out of bed to help him with odd jobs and hes depressed for days after drinking. He says now he wants no kind of relationship with anyone and he doesn't want to be upsetting me all the time. I was talking to his brother he said he was just staying in bed and getting up to go drinking. I know I'm better off without him unless he sobers up, he has came back before saving he misses me. I'm devastated he was so nasty to me and he even said he was only leading me on.
I know deep down he does really want me, but has a serious problem and needs help, to be honest I think could be bipolar with the alcohol as well. Im so tired of his crap and he knows im the best thing that could ever happen a loser like him and he wont ever meet anyone like me again. We did get on well when he was not drinking.
please help
how do I move on from this for good, is it my fault we keep splitting up?
exofalcoholic11 is offline  
Old 01-21-2016, 10:59 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
ScottFromWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR exof! Sorry to hear of all your troubles, a difficult situation. I would have to say that this is definitely not your fault, drinking causes many problems and unfortunately his alcohol issues are beyond your control. Only he will be able to make the decision to quit and get better - which is definitely possible. But you also have to be prepared for the possibility that he will keep drinking. You cannot "fix" him, and as much as you get along well when he's not drinking you cannot stop him from doing so no matter how hard you try - he will have to want to stop for himself.

You might want to check out the friends and family forum here, there are a lot of people there who have been in the same situation as you so they understand. And they can help!

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
ScottFromWI is offline  
Old 01-21-2016, 11:25 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Canine Welfare Advocate
 
doggonecarl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,961
Read your post as if someone else had written it, a stranger, perhaps a friend or relative.

What would you tell them to do?

Now take your own advice.
doggonecarl is offline  
Old 01-21-2016, 11:32 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,668
Welcome! It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me. I'd move on and give him time to himself to figure out what he wants to do with his life.
least is online now  
Old 01-21-2016, 11:45 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Galway
Posts: 25
Exo,
You need to forget about him. He is not doing your self esteem any good. One of my friends was in a similar situation last year. She kept taking him back. When she found out he was also cheating on her she was heart broken, lost 2 stone and is now getting counselling. She couldn't see what everyone else could see. When she was with him she was turning into a crazy woman. She has since meet an amazing man and started college at the age of 40. If she was still with the 1st guy I dread to think of the mess she would be in now. It took about 6 months but it was well worth it.
You need to let your ex go. If he loves you he will find his way back to you. The best way to find that out is by letting him go completely.
Be strong. Pick up a new hobby. Get support from your family and friends.
Penelopepitstop is offline  
Old 01-21-2016, 12:14 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I echo what others have said. Let him go. Don't let him interfere with your thinking.

Certainly DON'T call up mutual friends or his family or anyone to inquire about him. That's just going to stir up more turmoil for he and you. Just. let it go. If he is going to get it together it's need to be him doing it. If you need to get your self esteem back, do so and by all means move on to find someone new...it might help you feel better, but could also be a rebound type of thing.

Here's what happens when someone has low self esteem: They strive to find ways to feel better about themselves. Some of those ways are good and enriching and real and give SUBSTANCE. But some of those things are a temporary bandaid. I would caution against making choices that impact your life in a big way while you are feeling so rejected, raw and have such low self esteem. You likely need to be on a recovery path yourself and that often involves baby steps.

So take it one day at a time; do for yourself what you can do and leave the rest to God. That's all any of us can do. I've been at this type of cross-road before many times and letting go can be the hardest part, but also profound in a peaceful way...

Best to you, friend!
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 01-21-2016, 12:23 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
ALinNS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
I too echo what others said and no based on what I read it's not your fault but until a person admits they are an alcoholic, a relationship in my experience is not possible or maybe I should say a healthy relationship.

As for your concerns about yourself, I would suggest you talk to your doc about mental illness as that condition can be pretty serious, my experience is only with two friends that have it and when they are not on their meds, impossible to be around.

All the best
Andrew
ALinNS is offline  
Old 01-21-2016, 12:32 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ireland
Posts: 4
Hi, I dont want to go down the road of medication for myself as I dont think I need anything for my own head, I would like to know why people drink like this and why they cant hold relationships, jobs, friends etc. thanks
exofalcoholic11 is offline  
Old 01-21-2016, 02:10 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
ALinNS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Originally Posted by exofalcoholic11 View Post
Hi, I dont want to go down the road of medication for myself as I dont think I need anything for my own head, I would like to know why people drink like this and why they cant hold relationships, jobs, friends etc. thanks
It's a sickness that once (in my case and listening to others) once we pick up that first drink we loose total control, I understand that it may be hard to believe if one hasn't been there, it's why we admit we are powerless over alcohol and for many of us on the road to staying sober admit we are powerless when we drink and that alcohol made my life unmanageable.

I can tell you from my own experience until I reached the point where I acknowledged this and reached out for help, nothing works.

Many of us believe we have an addictive voice inside and our goal is to take all of it's power to try and convince us to drink, we make a plan to deal with this and if we stick to the plan we stay sober because this voice will always be there, we simply need to take it's power away.

I hope this explains a bit of how the alcoholic mind works.

Andrew
ALinNS is offline  
Old 01-21-2016, 02:14 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK, South Coast
Posts: 605
We all drink/drank because we wanted to & at the time that was the most important thing in the world. Its that simple. But this is a very hard concept to understand by a non-alchoholic!!!! There are many reasons why people start to drink, i cant say why ur ex does but the above reasons r probably why he still drinks & doesn't want to stop.
I drank because i liked feeling drunk, i liked being the life & soul, i liked feeling confident, i liked the feeling of calm after putting the kids to bed. I liked coming home after a hard day at work & having a massive glass of wine & feeling the toasty warmth run through me, the list could go on.
He has given u the perfect opportunity to walk away....take it
loulou1981 is offline  
Old 01-21-2016, 03:08 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ireland
Posts: 4
He is only 27, I do believe underneath he is a nice guy, and we have a lot in common and like the same things, I couldnt believe him saying we were not suited, in the beginning he said we got on really well and I was everything he wanted. But that doesnt matter if he is going to go drinking every so often and leaving me high and dry.
exofalcoholic11 is offline  
Old 01-22-2016, 01:26 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I think relationships are a lot about doing things together but also being able to do things apart... But if you're not okay with his drinking and he cares about you he'd should be willing to try and stop...
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 01-22-2016, 01:37 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Alive in the Superunknown
 
Thumpalumpacus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
As an alcoholic who has gone through a recent breakup, I can tell you: he is spitting his words in order to control you. Do not trust him.
Thumpalumpacus is offline  
Old 01-22-2016, 01:44 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sounds like it's a good thing you broke it off... And he needs to sober up and grow up !!
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 01-22-2016, 03:47 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ireland
Posts: 4
Can anyone tell me why alcoholics do a disappearing act every so often and come back like everything is OK? As my ex said he would have text me in due time like he was just gone on the drink and would be back. He has disappeared before for a month after a stag party.
exofalcoholic11 is offline  
Old 01-22-2016, 05:06 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
ALinNS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Originally Posted by exofalcoholic11 View Post
Can anyone tell me why alcoholics do a disappearing act every so often and come back like everything is OK? As my ex said he would have text me in due time like he was just gone on the drink and would be back. He has disappeared before for a month after a stag party.
I can only relate to my own experience and speak for myself, I was a closet binge drinker so I would seclude myself in my home with my dog, when on a binge the only thing that mattered was getting drunk, in my case to bury events/feelings from the past, the only thing that could stop me was me. When in this state and out of control I do not want to talk to anyone, when the light bulb comes on and I decide I want to sober up and do, my alcoholic mind wants everything as it was when I was sober and immediately but it doesn't work that way as we hurt a lot of people around us.

Last edited by ALinNS; 01-22-2016 at 05:06 AM. Reason: typo
ALinNS is offline  
Old 01-22-2016, 05:58 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
PurpleKnight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Exofalcoholic!!

When there's an addiction involved people can be the best people in the world, but things will always be overshadowed by the addiction, which can be a very selfish thing as it will come before everything else.

I did many things that I regret when I was drinking, I'd go off on binges, come back and try to rebuild my life, that stop start stop start pattern you describe I went round for years, great intentions to be different, change my ways, finally get my life in order, to have them eventually go by the wayside because my addiction wanted to drink and I wasn't willing to do enough to stop drinking.

Don't put your life on hold waiting for someone to change, he may do, but what if he doesn't? what if in 30 years time we're on the 10th split up and you're still hoping that somehow it will still all work out?

The reality is unless someone sorts out their addiction, everything else will take a back seat, and in waiting for things to change, alcohol has eaten up two lives instead of one.

Live your life on your terms, not on his addiction's, you'll find loads of support here on SR to help out!!
PurpleKnight is offline  
Old 01-22-2016, 06:28 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome to SR
Soberwolf is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:58 AM.