Codie habits die hard.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
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Codie habits die hard.
I think y'all know the background on my situation. Abusive, alcoholic drinking hubby. Things are coming to an end. They aren't quiet there yet, but it end is near. I am getting my ducks in a row.
So of course, what does typical codependent me do... hmm I think I'll check out some dating sites "just to see whats out there". Yes of course, because I cannot face being alone. I have been "alone" physically and mentally for a long time... but psychologically, I always feel like I need the next thing, a crutch, something to pull me through.
So I meet a nice enough guy and we start chatting. But the more I think about this, the more I am finally realizing that this is nothing different than anything else that has happened in the past. Its just one relationship to the next to the next. He isn't a drinker, seems to have his life together, but of course you can paint any story of yourself you want online.
And finally I am getting it through my very stubborn head that *I* need to leave for me, be alone and live for *me* (and my kiddos, of course). I don't need someone to be there for me, someone to help bridge the gap between here and there. I need to do this by myself, for myself.
This is not a proud confession, I am rather ashamed of myself, but I am hopeful that others can relate and understand this. I'm proud of myself for taking a careful look at my behavior and thoughts and FINALLY understanding it enough to take action and stop myself. I am FINALLY facing my fear of being completely alone--and of course, I still have amazing friends and family who have and will be incredibly supportive of me... but in a sense, you know that it is all on you. There is no crutch, no one to fall back on... and I am feeling very excited about my self discovery!
Thanks for listening <3
So of course, what does typical codependent me do... hmm I think I'll check out some dating sites "just to see whats out there". Yes of course, because I cannot face being alone. I have been "alone" physically and mentally for a long time... but psychologically, I always feel like I need the next thing, a crutch, something to pull me through.
So I meet a nice enough guy and we start chatting. But the more I think about this, the more I am finally realizing that this is nothing different than anything else that has happened in the past. Its just one relationship to the next to the next. He isn't a drinker, seems to have his life together, but of course you can paint any story of yourself you want online.
And finally I am getting it through my very stubborn head that *I* need to leave for me, be alone and live for *me* (and my kiddos, of course). I don't need someone to be there for me, someone to help bridge the gap between here and there. I need to do this by myself, for myself.
This is not a proud confession, I am rather ashamed of myself, but I am hopeful that others can relate and understand this. I'm proud of myself for taking a careful look at my behavior and thoughts and FINALLY understanding it enough to take action and stop myself. I am FINALLY facing my fear of being completely alone--and of course, I still have amazing friends and family who have and will be incredibly supportive of me... but in a sense, you know that it is all on you. There is no crutch, no one to fall back on... and I am feeling very excited about my self discovery!
Thanks for listening <3
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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My friend, the real shame would be charging forward into the next relationship WITHOUT making this discovery about yourself. I know exactly where you're coming from. This is not an easy admission, and you're the stronger for having made of it. I for one am proud of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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amartain....what are you ashamed of...? I don't see where you have anything to be ashamed of.....
As a homosapiens...a vertebrate....a human being ....we are created to live together with connections and bonding with significant others....it is natural and normal to have these biologically determined yearnings and desires.....
The sticky wicket, as I see it, is this: Can we go about it in a way that works to our overall welfare....that is healthy, and not destructive to ourselves.....in a way that we are able to thrive and not just exist.....
Lonliness....we can all feel it.....But, living with a man is not the ONLY way to banish lonliness...or, stave it off.....
You said that you have great friends and supportive family....then, that is great and you are blessed.....
Perhaps, you could devote more effort to re-engaging in these relationships in a more cultivating way....
Perhaps you can, now expanding you boundaries by broading you social scope...
Like....meet-up groups with similar others and doing new activities with the,....both men and women on a friendship level (only).
YOU CON'T HAVE TO BE ALONE WHILE YOU LEARN TO KNOW AND LOVE YOURSELF....
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HEALTHY AND INTERESTING PEOPLE.
I know that I may be inviting an avalanche of protests to the following statement...lol.... I think that chatting with other partner seeking people online is a very slippery and potentially dangerous activity.....
You don't need the experience of a pig in a poke.....
Seek to broaden yourself and a whole new universe will open up to you.....
Be courageous....what can it hurt????
dandylion
As a homosapiens...a vertebrate....a human being ....we are created to live together with connections and bonding with significant others....it is natural and normal to have these biologically determined yearnings and desires.....
The sticky wicket, as I see it, is this: Can we go about it in a way that works to our overall welfare....that is healthy, and not destructive to ourselves.....in a way that we are able to thrive and not just exist.....
Lonliness....we can all feel it.....But, living with a man is not the ONLY way to banish lonliness...or, stave it off.....
You said that you have great friends and supportive family....then, that is great and you are blessed.....
Perhaps, you could devote more effort to re-engaging in these relationships in a more cultivating way....
Perhaps you can, now expanding you boundaries by broading you social scope...
Like....meet-up groups with similar others and doing new activities with the,....both men and women on a friendship level (only).
YOU CON'T HAVE TO BE ALONE WHILE YOU LEARN TO KNOW AND LOVE YOURSELF....
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HEALTHY AND INTERESTING PEOPLE.
I know that I may be inviting an avalanche of protests to the following statement...lol.... I think that chatting with other partner seeking people online is a very slippery and potentially dangerous activity.....
You don't need the experience of a pig in a poke.....
Seek to broaden yourself and a whole new universe will open up to you.....
Be courageous....what can it hurt????
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
My best friend is a jumper from relationship to relationship just as you describe... I am not... No judgement there, just not what Ive chosen to do... And quite recently, though I feel lonely sometimes, I've realized that it has been a gift to myself to have time and space and alone time to figure my "stuff" out because I see her just repeating the same patterns over and over with the same kind of men...
So, Im impressed by your self awareness and your choice to step back-- that had to have been hard...
Nice job!
So, Im impressed by your self awareness and your choice to step back-- that had to have been hard...
Nice job!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I absolutely relate and it helps to hear that I am not alone in this. Right this moment I am fighting the urge to connect with a former love interest to cope with my current relationship woes. Talk about feeling ashamed...
Thanks for sharing! <3
Thanks for sharing! <3
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
This may not be the correct thinking on my part... but I think if someone finds me interesting and worth the time to get to know, then they would respect the boundary I have put into place as "friends" only. And if not, if they are really wanting to get into a relationship that quickly, then clearly I am not the person for that.
However, I think both parties need to be in agreement with the "friends only" relationship and work hard to keep that boundary.
I have also realized how much I have neglected my other relationships for my romantic relationship because it was (PAST tense) the most important relationship in my live above all others, in an unhealthy way.
I am now realizing that I need to have balance between my relationships.
However, I think both parties need to be in agreement with the "friends only" relationship and work hard to keep that boundary.
I have also realized how much I have neglected my other relationships for my romantic relationship because it was (PAST tense) the most important relationship in my live above all others, in an unhealthy way.
I am now realizing that I need to have balance between my relationships.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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dandylion... this guy was online, however he lives in the same place I do. but since I am still legally married, I would not agree to meet him/go on a date/etc.... I am referring to face-to-face relationships with my "friend" status.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Kimmieh.... I think that we have a great tendency to look back and see all the GOOD in our old love interests... trust me, I've done it plenty of times with one certain individual. We are friends now, but then I have to make myself remember WHY it didn't work for us.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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The point is, you are aware of your weakness. That is actually a very good thing. You know what is a no-no for you.
Also about the online relationships, or starting a relationships that way; this is a very dangerous field if you are codependent or have codependent tendencies. It is really easy to make up stories and create a persona, the knight on a white horse that seems so attractive and desirable. Somehow we want to believe, and ignore all the red flags, because we want the fairy-tale to come true.
I would generally stay away from starting a relationship this way, from now till eternity.
Also about the online relationships, or starting a relationships that way; this is a very dangerous field if you are codependent or have codependent tendencies. It is really easy to make up stories and create a persona, the knight on a white horse that seems so attractive and desirable. Somehow we want to believe, and ignore all the red flags, because we want the fairy-tale to come true.
I would generally stay away from starting a relationship this way, from now till eternity.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Another note is that the SECOND AH would find out I was talking/seeing someone else... then ALL the blame goes back onto me. I'm the deceitful wife. Its all my fault, I cheated, and he was the perfect husband trying to put the pieces back together.
Def. don't need to give him a reason, besides his own, to shift blame to me.
Def. don't need to give him a reason, besides his own, to shift blame to me.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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healthyagain... you are SOOOO right. I had already found myself overcompensating and overlooking things.
I think I held on so long in my current relationship because I was so hell bent on having that fairytale dream come true, I was not seeing reality for what it really was...staring me right in the face.
I think I held on so long in my current relationship because I was so hell bent on having that fairytale dream come true, I was not seeing reality for what it really was...staring me right in the face.
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Location: Iowa
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I had a similar pattern in my life since I started dating in my teens, big time relationship jumper. After leave my xa, I went on a long, long dating hiatus and spent that time focused on my recovery, myself, my wants and needs outside of any relationship, romantic or otherwise.
I recently started online dating- 4 dates so far, 2 with the same guy. I have to say, that if I had tried that any sooner I think it would have been a recipe for disaster. A lifelong unrecovering codie like me on Match.com or whatever would have been like an alcoholic getting a job in a liquor store. There's a LOT of chaff in there amongst the wheat. And I've heard from other online daters that there's a whole bunch of men who purposely look for women who are "recently separated" as easy prey.
I know how scary it is to strike out on your own when your entire adult life has been defined by others, but once you take that initial plunge, you won't believe how wonderful it is to truly be your own person.
I recently started online dating- 4 dates so far, 2 with the same guy. I have to say, that if I had tried that any sooner I think it would have been a recipe for disaster. A lifelong unrecovering codie like me on Match.com or whatever would have been like an alcoholic getting a job in a liquor store. There's a LOT of chaff in there amongst the wheat. And I've heard from other online daters that there's a whole bunch of men who purposely look for women who are "recently separated" as easy prey.
I know how scary it is to strike out on your own when your entire adult life has been defined by others, but once you take that initial plunge, you won't believe how wonderful it is to truly be your own person.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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amartain.....while we are on the subject.....lol.....
He are a few ideas to jump start y our creative thinking......
Join the National Geographic Society and go to their lectures, etc....
Take a belly dancing class (a girlfriend did this and loved it...made a lot of friends).
Join a nature club....get your family to watch the kids...and hike a part of the Applachian trail for two or three days, next summer....
Volunteer some of your time to work at your local food pantry (there is on en every community). Take you kids...if they are old enough....
Join a garden club.....and learn flower arranging and care...you can deliver flowers to rehab facilities and hospits.
Join a crafting club....great fun and you can carry the skills over with your kids....
These are just a few things that hit my brain....
But, I am sure that you get the idea.......
dandylion
He are a few ideas to jump start y our creative thinking......
Join the National Geographic Society and go to their lectures, etc....
Take a belly dancing class (a girlfriend did this and loved it...made a lot of friends).
Join a nature club....get your family to watch the kids...and hike a part of the Applachian trail for two or three days, next summer....
Volunteer some of your time to work at your local food pantry (there is on en every community). Take you kids...if they are old enough....
Join a garden club.....and learn flower arranging and care...you can deliver flowers to rehab facilities and hospits.
Join a crafting club....great fun and you can carry the skills over with your kids....
These are just a few things that hit my brain....
But, I am sure that you get the idea.......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
A lifelong unrecovering codie like me on Match.com or whatever would have been like an alcoholic getting a job in a liquor store.
THIS. Its so true. I never thought of it that way, but it.is.SO.true. Thank you for your words of wisdom ladyscribbler
THIS. Its so true. I never thought of it that way, but it.is.SO.true. Thank you for your words of wisdom ladyscribbler
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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dandylion.
love all your ideas! I love knitting, so I plan to get back into that.... I also am planning to do some volunteering with either the homeless shelter here or the food pantry, something like that.
I have a church I enjoy and have opportunities to get involved there, along with my kiddos.
My children are young, 2 and 6. But I also plan to get them into swimming lessons at a place where we can get a family pass to go and gymnastic lessons where I think they will both excel (and burn off energy!)
My mom is currently doing chemo for breast cancer and I plan to start helping her more, maybe making some meals, doing some light cleaning for her--so she doesn't have to.
AND I am planning to get more involved at my gym to get myself physically healthy.
But what I really look forward to is reading and crafting. I have some great girlfriends that I am looking forward to spending time together, playdates, coffee dates, etc.
I should start writing all these down so when I start to feel panicked, I know that I've got things that I'm looking forward to doing instead of getting into another relationship.
love all your ideas! I love knitting, so I plan to get back into that.... I also am planning to do some volunteering with either the homeless shelter here or the food pantry, something like that.
I have a church I enjoy and have opportunities to get involved there, along with my kiddos.
My children are young, 2 and 6. But I also plan to get them into swimming lessons at a place where we can get a family pass to go and gymnastic lessons where I think they will both excel (and burn off energy!)
My mom is currently doing chemo for breast cancer and I plan to start helping her more, maybe making some meals, doing some light cleaning for her--so she doesn't have to.
AND I am planning to get more involved at my gym to get myself physically healthy.
But what I really look forward to is reading and crafting. I have some great girlfriends that I am looking forward to spending time together, playdates, coffee dates, etc.
I should start writing all these down so when I start to feel panicked, I know that I've got things that I'm looking forward to doing instead of getting into another relationship.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
amartain....I would like to say that I have empathy for you as a loved o ne who is going through cancer treatment. My son is just finishing his course of radiation and chemo for cancer of the tonsil...
It is a tough road....I know that...I agree to do every act of love and kindness for her that y ou can....it means sooo much for the both of you.....
dandylion
It is a tough road....I know that...I agree to do every act of love and kindness for her that y ou can....it means sooo much for the both of you.....
dandylion
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