what's wrong with me??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
what's wrong with me??
AH (stbxah?) moved out Monday at my request. The plan is to separate for 1 year and him be willing to make a MAJOR 180 with marital, individual counseling and AA with sponsor IF we are to reconcile. Hes agreeable to the moving out part but doesnt have time for counseling right now ("in a few months). Its like hes stringing me along. Why in the hell does this surprise or even bother me?? I should be past this, done. I guess i just thought i meant something (anything?!) To him. Together 15 years. He calls daily to say goodnight to DS (toddler). I wish I could go NC.
Thoughts?? I don't want to spend a year in limbo waiting around for his crazy ass. Feel free to smack me on the head... someone must be yelling at the computer by now LOL.
Thoughts?? I don't want to spend a year in limbo waiting around for his crazy ass. Feel free to smack me on the head... someone must be yelling at the computer by now LOL.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
He "doesnt have time for counseling right now ("in a few months). Its like hes stringing me along."
Yes; you said it.
I recommend the articles on addiction, available online, by Floyd P. Garrett that someone else has mentioned. They have really helped me to understand what I'm (we're) dealing with.
Yes; you said it.
I recommend the articles on addiction, available online, by Floyd P. Garrett that someone else has mentioned. They have really helped me to understand what I'm (we're) dealing with.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
HH, you are free to change your mind at any time, regardless of whether he keeps up his end of the "deal" or not. And it sounds like he's already not. If you don't want to wait around, you don't have to.
If you want to go no contact, you can go as far toward that as possible while sharing a child. I, too, wish I could go NC with my STBXAH, but it's just not possible. But I am working HARD to enforce my boundaries, and interact with him only relating to our son.
If you want to go no contact, you can go as far toward that as possible while sharing a child. I, too, wish I could go NC with my STBXAH, but it's just not possible. But I am working HARD to enforce my boundaries, and interact with him only relating to our son.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Yes, he's stringing you along-he most likely does not think you will follow through and will cave. It's what they do. What's funny, not really, is in the end it's them that don't follow through-on anything. You are aware and not in denial-don't let him make you second guess yourself. I second reading Garrett's articles-accurate as anything re addiction.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Here's a link to Dr. Garrett's articles.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
But HH, you got him out of the house. That is a big change. Take a few days before deciding what you'll tackle next. You are doing just fine. Enjoy the peace.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
But HH, you got him out of the house. That is a big change. Take a few days before deciding what you'll tackle next. You are doing just fine. Enjoy the peace.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
But HH, you got him out of the house. That is a big change. Take a few days before deciding what you'll tackle next. You are doing just fine. Enjoy the peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HH,
Did you really think that seperating would set his mind straight? It really has to hurt and hurt badly before they give up the drink. Now he has the freedom to drink more, you are not around to be the "bxtch".
My marriage counselor told me separating means nothing, she told me not to waste my time. I didn't, I divorce and almost 1 1/2 years later he is still doing the same crxp but I'm not.
Hugs my friend, work a program, get strong and hopefully move on in your life. Dont keep sitting around waiting for him to get his act together, it's never going to happen.
Did you really think that seperating would set his mind straight? It really has to hurt and hurt badly before they give up the drink. Now he has the freedom to drink more, you are not around to be the "bxtch".
My marriage counselor told me separating means nothing, she told me not to waste my time. I didn't, I divorce and almost 1 1/2 years later he is still doing the same crxp but I'm not.
Hugs my friend, work a program, get strong and hopefully move on in your life. Dont keep sitting around waiting for him to get his act together, it's never going to happen.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Maia-no truer words have been spoken-same with my ex. With me not around to "bitch" at him about his drinking he was able to continue his free fall into the pit of alcoholism....and surround himself with all his favorite enablers....drinking God only knows how much. Because, you know, he drank bc of me, duh...bc I was so awful wanting him for years to get help. God help these guys. Please.
Friend-read the threads here-this is just what alkis/addicts do. And most of the time we cave and go back to the same thing...until things get worse. Whatever you do, be prepared for it to get worse-bc addicts don't like to be left or called out. Just stay safe, ok?!
Peace to you!
Friend-read the threads here-this is just what alkis/addicts do. And most of the time we cave and go back to the same thing...until things get worse. Whatever you do, be prepared for it to get worse-bc addicts don't like to be left or called out. Just stay safe, ok?!
Peace to you!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
"Why in the hell does this surprise or even bother me?? I should be past this, done. I guess i just thought i meant something (anything?!) To him. Together 15 years."
Isn't it funny how you can KNOW how things are and still be surprised/bothered. I have managed to develop a sense of humor for when I stumble on the part of myself that still thinks I can change someone.
Keep posting HH. We are all here for you!
Isn't it funny how you can KNOW how things are and still be surprised/bothered. I have managed to develop a sense of humor for when I stumble on the part of myself that still thinks I can change someone.
Keep posting HH. We are all here for you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Just to say it...
...I heard...
...separate for a year while major stuff happens, and then IF we are to reconcile we figure out where to go from there.
That doesn't say what the separation looks like or how it evolves, and includes a big fat IF regarding reconciling.
My recent X (just a year long of living together) moved out two months ago, when I said it would have to be a year of sustained sober adult living and parenting before I'd consider reconciliation. He's sober, going to AA, saying all the right things...but I can see that for me it's over. There are ways I could never truly love and trust him again, and I so value my peace without him. I've done it before and broke free...I'm not strapping myself to that bomb for life again.
When I tell him for certain it's over I think he'll feel it's unfair because "he's doing everything I asked". But it's too little too late for me...though I wish him the best.
And I won't feel guilty about that--being honest that my feelings have changed or firmed up in a direction he dislikes isn't wrong. It's being true.
I'm letting it sit for now because there's no need to rush it while we're low contact (and because I want him to get his stuff out first)...maybe let it soak in and see how you feel.
I'm a huge proponent of "not never, just not now"...meaning maybe it's right to part for real now, and if he puts the work in he can look you up down the road and see where you're at. But don't be waiting for it...
...I heard...
...separate for a year while major stuff happens, and then IF we are to reconcile we figure out where to go from there.
That doesn't say what the separation looks like or how it evolves, and includes a big fat IF regarding reconciling.
My recent X (just a year long of living together) moved out two months ago, when I said it would have to be a year of sustained sober adult living and parenting before I'd consider reconciliation. He's sober, going to AA, saying all the right things...but I can see that for me it's over. There are ways I could never truly love and trust him again, and I so value my peace without him. I've done it before and broke free...I'm not strapping myself to that bomb for life again.
When I tell him for certain it's over I think he'll feel it's unfair because "he's doing everything I asked". But it's too little too late for me...though I wish him the best.
And I won't feel guilty about that--being honest that my feelings have changed or firmed up in a direction he dislikes isn't wrong. It's being true.
I'm letting it sit for now because there's no need to rush it while we're low contact (and because I want him to get his stuff out first)...maybe let it soak in and see how you feel.
I'm a huge proponent of "not never, just not now"...meaning maybe it's right to part for real now, and if he puts the work in he can look you up down the road and see where you're at. But don't be waiting for it...
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by HHTexas
AH (stbxah?) moved out Monday at my request. The plan is to separate for 1 year and him be willing to make a MAJOR 180 with marital, individual counseling and AA with sponsor IF we are to reconcile. Hes agreeable to the moving out part but doesnt have time for counseling right now ("in a few months).
Take your time and digest all of this. It's hard not to take it personally, but you shouldn't. It's his disease controlling his life, and having a really negative impact on yours. You can only do so much, and the so much is to work toward not letting it have a negative impact on yours.
The article posted is a great article to help you start sorting this out - at least in your own mind and heart.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HH.....it has only been 3 days!!
Consider this: You may be absolutely shocked to find out how your thinking and feelings may change---once you have enough time away from the belly of the beast to clear your head and get your
sea legs".
I think that much of this is coming from your (self admitted) feat of "being alone" and lack of self-confidence and self esteem from living so long in an abusive situation....
You feel that this relationship is essential to your happiness and survival.....but, it isn't....
Have you read the article called: "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of Crap".....You will find it in the stickies under Classic Readings.....
It will give you a good yard stick on what to expect......
In stead of asking "how high" when he say to jump....how about you start making the rules and boundaries for yourself........
That will improve y our self confidence like nobody's business!
I don't remember if you ever went to alanon or not...? If not..that would be an excellent move, I think. What could it hurt...?
Remember...you are not a china doll to be set on a shelf and taken off and put back at his pleasure......are you?
I suggest that you make a list of the worst things that happened to you in this relationship.....and, carry it on your p erson at all times. Read it every time you feel weak in the knees...you may have to read it dozens of times a ay (at first).
You can't have two thoughts at the same time....so, this can help you to keep your head...HEAD...in charge, and, not your heart or your selective recall...Your heart cannot be trusted, at this time.....
Dandylion....
***Now, I can stop yelling at the computer screen.....lol.....
Consider this: You may be absolutely shocked to find out how your thinking and feelings may change---once you have enough time away from the belly of the beast to clear your head and get your
sea legs".
I think that much of this is coming from your (self admitted) feat of "being alone" and lack of self-confidence and self esteem from living so long in an abusive situation....
You feel that this relationship is essential to your happiness and survival.....but, it isn't....
Have you read the article called: "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of Crap".....You will find it in the stickies under Classic Readings.....
It will give you a good yard stick on what to expect......
In stead of asking "how high" when he say to jump....how about you start making the rules and boundaries for yourself........
That will improve y our self confidence like nobody's business!
I don't remember if you ever went to alanon or not...? If not..that would be an excellent move, I think. What could it hurt...?
Remember...you are not a china doll to be set on a shelf and taken off and put back at his pleasure......are you?
I suggest that you make a list of the worst things that happened to you in this relationship.....and, carry it on your p erson at all times. Read it every time you feel weak in the knees...you may have to read it dozens of times a ay (at first).
You can't have two thoughts at the same time....so, this can help you to keep your head...HEAD...in charge, and, not your heart or your selective recall...Your heart cannot be trusted, at this time.....
Dandylion....
***Now, I can stop yelling at the computer screen.....lol.....
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
The purpose of Separation can have many meanings. For some its because an SO has gone through recovery and is going to sober living, or has gone through recovery and for whatever reasons it works best for them to be living out of the house while completing it. Most of the time divorce isn't a factor in these type scenario.
This situation is different, your AH is not in recovery. Your separation agreement includes a whole lot of IF'S, in essence you are in limbo while AH works on his own time schedule to make all these changes. This is not in your best interest. You are still sitting on the sidelines while he is playing the game. NO THANKS.
A separation under these circumstances are for you to get a feel of life without him in it; not remove the problem physically yet still keep it around enough to change nothing. Now, you can waste a year if you want. I don't advise this. You have already been told he isn't doing the counseling thing. Yeah, I know he said he would in a couple of months quack, but he is lying. My guess is that's applicable to AA as well. If he was serious he would have come forth with information proving he was doing all of it and be very transparent.
Its not that you don't mean anything to him k? Alcoholism isn't personal. Its the alcoholic game of chicken. He is still trying to figure out how to keep the booze and the family at the same time. This time he is banking that you will miss him so much you will cave, and he gets to move back along with his drinks.
If you aren't ready to file for divorce give it 3 months. Stand back, be quiet, and watch what he does. If he does nothing say nothing. If he does something, say nothing. Whatever he does he would be doing if he were living there. If at the end of the 3 month you don't see it moving in the right direction file for divorce and move on.
This situation is different, your AH is not in recovery. Your separation agreement includes a whole lot of IF'S, in essence you are in limbo while AH works on his own time schedule to make all these changes. This is not in your best interest. You are still sitting on the sidelines while he is playing the game. NO THANKS.
A separation under these circumstances are for you to get a feel of life without him in it; not remove the problem physically yet still keep it around enough to change nothing. Now, you can waste a year if you want. I don't advise this. You have already been told he isn't doing the counseling thing. Yeah, I know he said he would in a couple of months quack, but he is lying. My guess is that's applicable to AA as well. If he was serious he would have come forth with information proving he was doing all of it and be very transparent.
Its not that you don't mean anything to him k? Alcoholism isn't personal. Its the alcoholic game of chicken. He is still trying to figure out how to keep the booze and the family at the same time. This time he is banking that you will miss him so much you will cave, and he gets to move back along with his drinks.
If you aren't ready to file for divorce give it 3 months. Stand back, be quiet, and watch what he does. If he does nothing say nothing. If he does something, say nothing. Whatever he does he would be doing if he were living there. If at the end of the 3 month you don't see it moving in the right direction file for divorce and move on.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Good Morning Texas
All of these ladies are SPOT ON. I know it's hard, we all know. It's sad, confusing, infuriating. Just know that you ARE and have done what is best for you and your child at this point. I'm positive that once you have given yourself some time to recoup you will look back at what has happened with you AH and think " What the Hell?"
Keep your chin up Texas... We are all here for you...and remember "It's all about you girl". Your wants, your needs, YOUR LIFE.
Xoxo hang in there!
Ro
All of these ladies are SPOT ON. I know it's hard, we all know. It's sad, confusing, infuriating. Just know that you ARE and have done what is best for you and your child at this point. I'm positive that once you have given yourself some time to recoup you will look back at what has happened with you AH and think " What the Hell?"
Keep your chin up Texas... We are all here for you...and remember "It's all about you girl". Your wants, your needs, YOUR LIFE.
Xoxo hang in there!
Ro
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
AH (stbxah?) moved out Monday at my request. The plan is to separate for 1 year and him be willing to make a MAJOR 180 with marital, individual counseling and AA with sponsor IF we are to reconcile. Hes agreeable to the moving out part but doesnt have time for counseling right now ("in a few months). Its like hes stringing me along. Why in the hell does this surprise or even bother me?? I should be past this, done. I guess i just thought i meant something (anything?!) To him. Together 15 years. He calls daily to say goodnight to DS (toddler). I wish I could go NC.
I ask this only because I think that unless and until he is solely internally, individually motivated (without fear of divorce, coercion, pleading etc....) to get himself well and to get help, anything he "agrees" to is going to be in vain.
I had more "plans" and "agreements" with my now XAH than I can count. I would plan and propose things and present proof of why it was a healthy idea for us both and for our kids, he would be on board and of course would NEVER follow through.
He was only agreeing to appease me for a time, to quiet my threats of leaving, or occassionally, in a moment of clarity, perhaps he believed it was a good idea but he had no motivation or intention to follow through.
I can feel, almost viscerally where you are at... I feel like Im reading my own posts of several years ago...
I think to save yourself a lot of heartache, I would probably just not remind or even speak to him about his plans to follow through anymore. If he decides to do it on his own, that will speak volumes.
Cajoling, pleading, wishing, hoping, planning, talking about it with him-- none of that will lead to the ending you want.
That said, I was told that too and tried it all anyway because I had to see for myself because I feared that if I just moved on with my life without being totally sure, I would regret it. Instead, I regret the years I wasted...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
At least he's out of the house.
I would quietly continue moving forward and give your self some time
to think and reflect on what's best for you and the kids.
If he isn't following through, and really isn't recovering,
( if and when you are ready) you can go ahead and
file. No reason to wait a full year and delay your life
if he's just delaying you to keep drinking.
A little breathing room to think is a good thing.
I would quietly continue moving forward and give your self some time
to think and reflect on what's best for you and the kids.
If he isn't following through, and really isn't recovering,
( if and when you are ready) you can go ahead and
file. No reason to wait a full year and delay your life
if he's just delaying you to keep drinking.
A little breathing room to think is a good thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Such meat in these replies. I've already filed... it would just be a matter of finalizing. Watching for 3 months is an excellent idea. Ty for that. The "plan" was suggested by my counselor. Im sure he senses AH won't follow through but it would give me peace of mind.
In the meantime, one day at a time. I've been going to CR... going to try a new group but I will find my home spot. Alanon worked great in the past but none of our local groups have childcare (and I have PTSD from old sponsor griping about people trying to bring kiddos with them--eye-rolling).
Reading those articles and Lundy Bancroft. Good stuff.
In the meantime, one day at a time. I've been going to CR... going to try a new group but I will find my home spot. Alanon worked great in the past but none of our local groups have childcare (and I have PTSD from old sponsor griping about people trying to bring kiddos with them--eye-rolling).
Reading those articles and Lundy Bancroft. Good stuff.
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