justlike4

It's been a while since I've posted and to be honest I've been making excuses, forgetting how much better I feel after having some interaction with people who truly understand this 'way of life'.

For the past five months or so I've been extremely distant with my mother due to her drinking but not only that, her full persona is odd, unpredictable and she's just unappealing to be around. Doing strange things like watching me leave the house from the window and hiding, thinking that I can't see her, sleeping on the couch day and night doing nothing other than watching soap operas on her laptop, I can't even remember the last time she slept in her own bed. Going to the toilet and not turning the light on (it's a 2m by 1.5m confined room with no window so she's sitting there in pitch black) she buries her head in the sand and drinks her problems away then when confronted the water works are on. I know they're not crocodile tears because i know she's depressed but I can't help but feel anger towards her because she won't seek help while I'm suffering. We could be so much happier if she didn't stick her head in the sand and play the victim card, picking up the bottle and secluding herself from the world.

She's had a few episodes recently where she's been physically violent with me (attempting to hit me but I restricted her), other times she's verbally abused me, other times I come home after a day long day at college then work straight after, and she's screaming at me about my dad, his new partner and how I've "betrayed her" by having a relationship with my father.
This normally results in me leaving and not coming home for a few days, staying with my boyfriend one night and my friend the next until I get the half-arsed "I'm sorry" text. Then it all gets forgotten about until next time.

I never seem to say as much as I want to say on these and I know the general consensus will be to move out and cut ties with my mother because it will help me find peace in my life (which I know)But unfortunately being a 19 year old girl, it's not feasible at this time I can't afford much never mind running my old household and moving in with my dad isn't an option either sadly.
I'm not in a good place at all in my life, all of my brothers have lost patience with/don't have any time for my mother so won't help her anymore which i completely understand but they won't help me either.
I've been feeling really depressed recently, no motivation to get up off my arse to do anything, eating junk food, living in a mess, slacking behind in my studies and doubting my feelings about my supportive boyfriend who I've been with for 2 and a half years now.
I went to see a councillor a few months ago however, I left before my appointment. They called me a few days later so I lied by saying "i was absolutely fine and I thought I needed help but things are looking up and I'm dealing with things better" which I regret but I can't seem to get my sh*t together and get a bit of help... I feel like I'm just like her which I hate and this just isn't me. Normally eating healthy, exercising and finding any opportunity to see friends.

My mother's choices in her life have really effected me, her lack of support has taken a hit on my confidence in a variety of things from my insecurities things like trusting other people, hiding things from others which aren't a big deal and don't have to be a secret and even my mathematic skills. Very random but I believe they are all rooted to her alcoholism growing up. The amount of ridiculing situations she has put me in throughout my life and recently too.

I feel as though I'm never going to be truly happy, I'll always be worrying about her until the day she isn't around anymore. Then i will blame myself for not helping her when I could have. Then there is all the crap in between when she gets unwell from it all and I'll be the one caring for her. I know she won't ever get sober, and I know that I'll never not feel partly responsible.

Every comment received here is a benefit. I really value all you guys' opinions and I absolutely appreciate the support I receive whenever I've been down. I'm feeling pretty rotten tonight and I really hate asking for things, but I could really be doing with someone to talk to.

Thanks guys

Kialua

I love how you phrased that, people who truly understand this 'way of life'. It's so true. It really does help to be with those who have walked the path you are now on. 18 is when I struck out on my own. I hid in friends basements, found strangers to roommate with, but only those who not users or drinkers. Then I got a job, worked full time and after a year on my own went back to school.

Have you heard that taking care of yourself first is like being on the airplane when the oxygen masks drop down. If YOU don't take the oxygen you will not be able to help anyone even if you want to.

You have a good heart and are in an impossible situation. I know it seem overwhelming to think of yourself first and you can't abandon your mom, but you will not be able to help if you don't help yourself first. Maybe you could think of it not as just doing for you, but doing it to be able to help your mom later when you have all the pieces put together for yourself. Does that make sense?

justlike4

I think for now I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and avoid her until I'm in a better headspace.
I'm sorry to hear about your past, going through what you've went through couldn't have be easy. Unfortunately I don't have the same guts as you to leave! Maybe I will one day, it's a thought that often runs through my mind.

Thank you for your comment, you've really put things into perspective for me and helped me realise that I need that "oxygen" in order to help others.

happybeingme

Have you looked into boarding at school? You are in a tough spot right now but it may be helpful to try Al-Anon or ACOA meetings. It would give you a place to go and real life people to talk to. Plus there is always here. Try to post a little more often even if it is just to vent.

Depending on where you live and your mother's age there are social programs that may be able to help her eventually so you don't feel trapped in staying with her.

justlike4

I live in the UK and unfortunately getting student accommodation is even more expensive than renting a place.



I'll try to get posting on here more often as you say, It really makes me feel better having some feedback from you all rather than feeling like an outsider when I try and explain my situation to others in my life.

Thanks for your comment

happybeingme

I will keep my eye out for your posts. Don't forget you are never alone.

justlike4

I know, thank you that really means a lot to me.

Penelopepitstop

I'm no one to comment and its hard to know what to say to you. It's not your fault, drink brings out the worst in an alcoholic. Is your mother ever sober? You need to all sit down as a family and tell her how her drinking is causing such heartache. She could join this website. My dad is a nasty drunk but spends the next day making up for it, apologising and crying. Then it all kicks off again. I have a drink problem myself. I am not the same person when I drink. I have ordered some supplements online that are meant to help reduce the urge for drink. I will let you know if they work, I'm doubtful but it just a crutch for me really. I hope to get my dad off drink to. Your mother has to want to quit herself. You sound like a very strong person. All you can do is talk to her. She will more than likely explode in your face, but will have done your best. Study hard, it's the key to getting a good start on your own in life.

justlike4

Nah my mums rarely sober, expect when she's going to work but even then I can tell when she's been drinking beforehand. She's lost her job countless times due to turning up to work hammered.

Me and my brothers have had so many of those "sit down" conversations with my mum, explaining how we feel about her drinking, how it's impacted on our lives and relationships. She just admits it while sobbing and says she'll get help and never does. I get on with my life as much as I can, going to work, college, seeing friends, getting out of the house and I feel normal. Then when I come home and she's passed out on the couch surrounded with empty bottles, it's just depressing.

Sorry for rambling I'm just at the end of my teather

Kialua

Yeah there is not point in having a sit down talk with your alcoholic mother. I have never had that work and have never heard of it working. It may with someone somewhere but I have never heard of it. You might as well talk to a brick wall. My alcoholic dad would beat me mercilessly (and some of my siblings), then when sober cry great crocodile tears promising to never beat me again. Until next time he was drunk, usually the next day, and beat me again. Alcoholism only serves itself and doesn't open itself to logic from others.

Kialua

justlike4 are you the youngest? Are there any other younger siblings at home with you? I seem to remember you are the only child now at home. I hope you can find the "oxygen mask" you need to deal with this situation. No sense in hurting yourself while being being hurt.

seasaw

Justlike4 I can hear the weariness and frustration coming through your posts. I'm really so sorry you're having to go through this. Your mom sounds like she's let herself go really deep.

I just want to throw this out there... lodging at school might be expensive, but compare it to the emotional toll living with your mother is taking on you. If extra student loans is what it takes to get out sooner, Future Justlike4 might thank you. Maybe? Seasaw now would just LOVE to go back to Seasaw At 19yearsold and say 'get out!! get out NOW!! don't wait! get a credit card, do whatever it takes, this isn't right or normal and she's ******* you up in semi-permanent ways, you can pay off debt but therapy only kind of works, your brain is young and spongey and will spring back faster if you get out now!'

I have been seeing more and more lately that I learned to normalize totally toxic and inappropriate behavior from the person who was supposed to be my primary care taker and protector. The less you're exposed to that, the better for your health, and your studies. We are not responsible for them. In fact the more we act as a buffer between them and the consequences of their habits and behavior, the more we enable them to live the way that they do. From the behavior you've described it sounds like she's not listening to anything outside.

justlike4

I've never really thought about it like that before (the part where you wrote about debt over-riding the emotional trauma). That's put things into perspective for me, the only problem is when my mum is sober we get on great and I have my normal mum back (temporarily of course) the thought of cutting her off and letting her sink would stay with me, I'm tearing up even thinking about it because I know she's unhappy but deep down is a great person.

Thank you for your comment and advice, it feels reassuring to know I'm really not alone.

justlike4

I'm done with the sit down talks with her it really is just pointless it's just the same routine every single time.

And yeah I'm the youngest, my three brothers have moved out though so it's just me and my mum at the moment which makes things worse. Anyway, there's got to be light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply, explaining your story. Although going through these things in life really sucks, there's a good feeling knowing I've got support and a place to vent without feeling "different" from everyone else. Thank you

seasaw

You are the opposite of alone! You are, for better or worse, in the ranks of many tens of thousands of us whose parents have succumbed to addiction. You can, and I predict someday will, walk proud, because - again, for better or worse - going through this really tough **** a lot of people don't have to deal with shapes into really strong, wise, resilient, creative people. It's a bumpy road, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone - but the people who walk it are super bad asses with amazing integrity, and make great friends to boot.

I don't know at what point it was that I started seeing my mother's behavior toward me as a reflection of her relationship with herself. You can't save an addict. And we're not responsible for our parents. You are doing everything you can right now to start a life - if the best she can do right now, as your parent, is free you from the burden of feeling responsible for her, then that should be her gift to you for now. Leave it until your late twenties when you're more established to even start thinking about it. This is the time in your life when you need to be putting yourself ahead of EVERYONE else - the world is yours, whatever you want it to be. You're gonna do great.

seasaw

Oh I also wanted to say, about the moments of 'normal mom'. I SO feel you on that. My mom was like the two-faced god Janus - you never knew who you were going to get. From early childhood, when approaching my mom, I would try to gauge if I was speaking to happy mom or bitter mom, but she could also always turn on a dime, too. But SOMETIMES she could be so wonderful and supportive, and because I would get SOOO sucked in when my great loving supportive wonderful number one fan mom would show up, she had me wrapped around her finger for a really, really long time.

This is called an abusive cycle. If you go to a website called outofthefog dot com and look up that phrase, it explains it.

I made excuses for her for a long time - about her childhood trauma, her bad luck, how much she'd been through, her lovable qualities. I was still talking about her, keeping her the center of attention. I wasn't talking about me, my story, the effect/toll on me - I see and hear you doing that and that's great!! The more you focus on your own care and experience, the better. You are not her social worker - your job is to take care of you. <3

FutureMrswalker

You are definitely not alone I'm almost 26 and going through the same thing with my mom I don't live with her but just this past week I cut her out of my life for similar reasons. It's really hard to make that decision but if you can do it. I have been basically been raising my two younger siblings since I was 12 so I know you can! I should have cut my mom out a long time ago.

justlike4

It's really reassuring to know I'm not alone and there are others who are going through this too.

Im sorry about your situation, sounds like it really hasn't been easy for you. I'm trying to cut her out my life now as if realised that's what's best for me, just difficult living with her.