mav

Hi all. Day 20 and... My AV is absolutely busting my balls.

The last 3 weeks have been really weird... Because so far it's been quite straight-forward. I've had a couple of challenges along the way... Big fall out with my wife and I swear I was a few seconds away from reaching for something. Somehow managed to get through that and felt epic the next day. Have got through what feels like a load of weekends and not drunk anything.

So yesterday and today my AV has piped up. He's basically saying "great job, you are now officially sober! You got this, you can have a drink, it'll be cool."

About two weeks ago I had a resolve to never drink again, but now that's sort of waining. It's now that I don't want to do it anymore... I really do, and of all my attempts to quit over the years, none have felt as committed as this time... But it's something like... I don't know.. Like I'm bored with it? Something inside me is saying "just get through this, and then you'll be able to have a drink." It's really pissing me off!

I think I predicted this happening... Like when all the immediate benefits of quitting pass (physical benefits, sleeping well, that rush from having successfully navigated a day etc) then you're left with this feeling... It's quite empty... I can get up in the morning feeling fresh - BFD. I can actually concentrate at work - BFD.

The thought of drinking actually makes me feel sick right now... But I know that wouldn't stop me from nailing a bottle of wine.

I was really focuses on doing 30 days but I've had to drop that because otherwise I feel like I'll hit 30 days, target reached, and use it as an excuse (reward!?) and drink. Hope this passes soon.

SoberLeigh

Have you heard of AVRT, MAV?

SR link that you may want to read:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

Marcher13

MAV our AVs know just how to attack our most vulnerable thinking. You have decided rationally to stop drinking, your AV won't be denied and it knows you well so it uses the wiles to get you to think it's way until you drink again.

You are committed, your AV is committed to making you drink. What's in your plan to help you ignore that AV?

loulou1981

Hi, i think lots of us have had this, but from what ive felt it gets easier to deal with. Ive just reached 3 months & i finally feel like im not consumed all day long about thinking of getting s**t faced!!!!
Hang in there & keep posting!!!x

Anna

Your AV knows that you are now winning the battle, so it's working extra hard to win you over. Don't fall for it. And, I agree with the 30 day deadline. I had to accept that alcohol was never to be in my life, ever. At that point, my mind became to shift and find new ways to deal with life. Have you thought about taking up a new hobby or getting involved in something that's interesting to you?

mav

Hey SL, thanks yeah, I found AVRT a couple of years ago when I first joined SR. Funnily enough have just got through re-reading the 28 cards on RR. It's amazing how everytime I tell myself I'm never drinking again I get that conflicted feeling. I think the Beast remains alive and well... For now.

One thing that hit me this evening is that one reason I haven't yet fully let go of never ever drinking again is that at some point in the future I want to be able to go for a pint with my sons (years away from that) - so I guess the thing I haven't got on top of is "why" I want to be able to do that... I'm projecting my alcoholism on to them.

So big challenge now is to get rid of that desire.

mav

Yeah... Have rejoined the gym and that's going really well, and as well as eating better I'm really doubling up on the health benefits. Have started drumming again (used to be pretty good before the drinking got involved and ruined it) so now if I get the urge to drink I spend some time on the kit and release some frustration! (Difficult tho because there's a strong association between drumming and drinking but hey ho.)

mav

At the moment I'm focusing on recognising my AV. Whilst I can do that I think I'm on top of it. My fear is when I get an urge or something else and don't recognise that as being the AV.

least

Come here and post when you get the urge to drink. (if you can) I used to come here and read when I wanted to drink. I'd read and feel stronger in my sobriety and would stay sober instead of giving in.

And I agree about having a 'deadline' to meet. Too easy to 'reward' yourself with a drink at the end.

I'm like Anna; I can't drink ever again and once I accepted that, I could stay sober.

Delilah1

Hi MAV,

20 days for me today as well, I think we have a little group of us who started on January 1st. I know that AV can be loud some days, but you are proving that you can do this.

I am focusing on how great the mornings feel, whenever wine has crept into my mind. It is nice to wake up clear headed.

We can do this, focus on today, don't worry about 30 days right now.

Glad you are on this journey with me!:-)

thomas11

MAV, think about what brought you here: "I've been trying to moderate for about the last 6 months. It works for a day or so, until I get to the "allowed" drink - that "one" glass of wine. That one invariably turns in to a bottle or more and I'm back where I started.

I hate the fog. The lack of sleep. I've never done anything truly awful but plenty of stupid things which will be with me for the rest of my life. '

Don't open that door. You're doing great.

odaat13

remember one day at a time! you're stronger than you think! best wishes

Soberwolf

Congrats Mav

Steely

And the next day even if I have been trying to 'control'and perhaps stop at one or two. No, come to think of it, never ONE I am angry and disappointed in myself because I know my life will return to the land of the dead pretty soon and the cycle will be resumed for yet another time. I want OFF!

Eshgham

Good stuff Mav. I think creating short term goals helps a lot. Shooting for 30 days is a great idea. Once you're there you can re-assess and decide what you want to aim for next. Having these concrete, achievable goals help with motivation and weaken the AV when he pops up. And the more goals you tick off for yourself, the better you feel.

mav

Haha, great! Let's do this... !

mav

Hey Thomas... You're right.... Thanks for pointing that out to me. Amazing how the AV tries to get you to forget your reasons for doing this.