Alizgui83

Hello everyone. I am new to this site and I am concerned for my marriage. Last June my husband and I got engaged and were married in September. In July his sister seemed concerned for me and my son (from a previous marriage). She confessed to me that her brother had a cocaine addiction. I brought it to his attention and he denied he had an addiction that yes has done it in the past as a recreational drug. I told him that if he wanted to move forward with a life with me he'd have to never use again. He promised. I am and was so much more naive then thinking that that's how easy it was going to just stop. We got married in September. We have joint banking accounts where all of our money goes. Everything including his behavior has been fine since September. Then all of a sudden last Friday I called him when I got off of work and realized that he was not himself. He seemed drunk. I asked him if he was drinking and he said he had a couple (which his drinking and lack of knowing when to stop when he does drink is another problem). I got home and realized he was being weird, super tired and ready to sleep like at 6pm. His eyes seemed like he was high on marijuana. It confused me because I have read that cocaine makes you more alert and I also thought he wasn't using anymore. For some reason I had this feeling to check his phone and there in front of my face was a text to his dealer. He picked up cocaine at 8am from his dealer when he was supposed to be at work. So at 2am I decided to wake him up and address the issue. He confessed that he had used early in the morning and that when he got off of work he had some drinks and that he also said that he was sorry and that it'll never happen again. He had taken the money from our savings, which in my eyes, is so pathetic to steal from your own family for your own selfish needs. The following day I decided to look at our finances closer and realized he's been withdrawing certain amounts ($40, $100 etc.) since mid December. I brought that to his attention and I told him that I have a lot to lose with his behavior. My son could be taken from me if his dad finds out. I am currently pregnant. I told him that I do not want a life like this where your partner lies to you. Where your cravings are more important than the well being of your family. I told him if he uses one more time I will be forced to leave him. He was making cash advances on our credit card to offset the amounts of money he was withdrawing from our savings. Now I feel so sad and disappointed. I had got to the point where I felt I could trust him and here we are again. He tells me he doesn't have a problem but in one month he's taken out $300 for this crap. He said that part of it wasn't cocaine but edibles. I told him regardless (not that I believe him) he was stealing and lying from us. I told him that I love him and I want us to be the best that we can be for us and for our kids. That I am giving him this chance but it is so exhausting and being 6 months pregnant I am no shape or have the patience to deal with this. I am tired and now I don't even want to go home. I don't want to see him. I am so disappointed in him. In my eyes he is a loser. I don't and have never even tried drugs. They don't appeal to me. My kids, my family, my career and my success for my families sake is what drives me. The high I get when I've accomplished things are what I look forward to. Bettering our lives. I don't need drugs. It is so hard for me to understand him. How can I deal with this? Am I doing more harm than good by giving him an ultimatum? He says he realized that using is not worth losing his family. That it'll never happen again. Is that something I can trust? Sorry so long. Any responses help.

zoso77

Alizgui...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry about what brought you here, but grateful you both found us and took the step to post. Other members will be by to greet you, but since I appear to be up first, I want to share my thoughts with you.

When I read this, I'm thankful that you're grounded and your head is where it needs to be. It's healthy. But what's important for you to understand right now is not everyone thinks the same way you do. When someone gets in over their head with coke or any other hard drug, they're not planning on getting addicted. They tell themselves they can handle it...only before they know it, they can't. So then they lie about it, to themselves, to their families and friends...and then those family members and friends end up here and I greet them. So the good news is you're not alone. The bad news is your AH's in trouble. And until he decides to a) stop using and b) seek recovery, you can expect your life to be more of the same.

Where there is a child in the mix, your first priority needs to be protecting him. Based on that, any and all options need to be on the table. We have plenty of other women here at FFSA who've been where you are. My guess is they'll pipe in soon enough. When they do, keep an open mind and pay close attention to what they share with you. It could save your sanity.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

atalose

only if you don't follow through with it.

Last July when confronted he denied he had a problem. Then PROMISED he'd never do it again. You've discovered that since at least mid December he's been lying to you and taking funds out of savings and advances on credit cards.

NOW he says AGAIN, he'll stop......................only you can decide if believing him THIS TIME, AGAIN will change anything.

Your child needs to come first, your health (mental and physical) needs to come first. From what his sister said, his issue with drugs has been around longer then you have................and he goes back to it again and again.

Keep posting because more things I'm sure will be revealed.

AnonWife

You have every right to be upset with his behavior. Its hard to say if he is actually addicted from what you wrote or if he is a recreational user who indulges at times. What you described being sleepy aligns more with alcohol being the cause and not cocaine from my knowledge. Cocaine usually makes one more active ans excited and of course there is a crash but an addicted person will usually follow it with more to stop the effect. But read about it from some professional sources, your best bet.

Regardless, his using drugs (including too much alcohol) are a problem for you and this is all that really matters.

It makes sense he would take money, lie, try to cover it regardless if its addiction or just behavior he knows you wont approve of.

Ultimatums often make people angry, shut down, do the defensive thing. Unles your ready to follow up on an ultimatum Id be careful.

I would clearly express what you feel, the worries you have over all of it. Then the ball is in his court.

Be careful not to drive yourself crazy checking and doubting everything. Maybe create a bank account for yourself and you will have security this way? Overall, his behavior wil catch him up if he keeps using or drinking too much.

Id have some Plan B ideas in place if you need to enforce your utimatum.

Alizgui83

Thank you for responding. Where I'm at mentally is prepared to start preparing myself for the worst. I have removed access to him for cash advances. I am planning on opening a savings just to do a direct deposit where our savings will not be easily accessible. That way we can at least have savings separate. It seems that if its easy for him he'll do it. But when it gets to complicated he gives up cause he can't access the funds. He has an old phone that he has at our house. He never deleted anything on it. The other day I was home alone and decided to educate myself on his communication with these people and friends as well. The terminology he uses. I didn't look at his phone to confront but more for educational purposes. So when I looked at his current phone I knew exactly which contacts he was getting this stuff from. Its such a different world for me so unless I had educated myself I probably wouldn't have even known what they were talking about. But anyway I have decided to give him a chance to prove to my and himself but at the same time prepare my exit strategy. My baby is due in April and I'm trying to focus on my well being and bettering our financial situation. I know that if he wants to do it again he will find a way. But it won't be an easy way. I will not be oblivious to his behavior and I will not make money easily accessible to him. Our savings will be in a completely different bank. We will not have debit cards for it. I talked to him already about sitting down and talking about getting our finances organized since baby will be here soon and he agreed. I don't think he thinks I am preparing to exit. And for his sake I may never have to but our financial situation will improve regardless. But if for some reason he does it again.. then at least I am prepared. I love him and I really hope he takes this very serious and decides to stop. But like I told him I've started over before I can do it again. I've reached a point in my life that I have learned to love myself and kids more than another person. I learned the hard way with my ex husband where his issue was cheating. Giving someone too many chances just devalues your self worth when they continue to fail. Sad for my husband but in life I've given way too many chances. This is his last chance. The first was when I first found out. This is his last... And I know it in my heart that I am strong enough to follow through on my ultimatum. The reason I asked if it was an ultimatum in this situation would be a good idea was because I want to help him while he's on his probation. I don't want to push him into more bad behavior. But once he fails if he fails then I am prepared to follow through.

neferkamichael

Alizgui83, so sorry you are in this situation. Better to be safe than sorry, please immediately separate your financial life from his. Never give him any money, hide all your valuable possessions from him, and never let him use your car. Everyone here is rootin for ya.

Fabat50

Alizgi, so sorry that you are living this.

But you sound as if you have your head firmly on your shoulders. You are right, you need and want the best for you, your son and your baby.

Time will tell if he really is capable of cleaning up his act.

Just please don't get into the cycle of giving one more chance after another. Today you sound strong enough to make the right choices and décisions and see them through.. if you do get sucked in to a negative downward spiral in dealing with his behaviour your clarity and resolve will start to wane with time.

Stay close to the folks on this site. They will be a great help.

Wishing you all the best.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Ali; I am so very sorry for what brings you here.

AnonWife

You look to be on top of things. Sad you have to deal with it with baby so close. Yes, I get it now. You want to support change but let him know your bottom line. I think your doing it. I guess being open to listening to him and encouraging him to seek out help if he has trouble quitting. Real addiction, especially if it progresses often requires more than willpower. Many times people must get help from a doctor or addiction therapist who will help create a plan.

But your doing great. Hope he appreciates your strength and love.

Hawkeye13

Can you cancel that joint credit card, or at least get your name off of it?

If you do have to leave, any joint debt will be half yours.
He may run it up like crazy and then you'd be stuck with paying off half.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and pregnant. Addiction sucks.

Bekindalways

Welcome Alizgui and so glad you found us. I'm impressed with the steps you are taking. Along with the others, I hope you can make that ultimatum stick if he doesn't stay clean. For addicts, promises mean nothing and less than nothing. Take care of yourself and stay in contact.

Praying

I just want to send you a hug. You sound a lot like me (business head takes over and gets everything figured out)...

But putting yourself out there after a repetitive cheating situation (in my mind another form of addiction feeding a black hole of self worth) to trust again and start building a new life again...

And then this. It just really stinks. I have no doubt you'll be fine whatever comes, I'm just so sorry you have to go through it.

Stay strong with your ultimatum.

Alizgui83

Thank you all for responding. I feel so much better today. I woke up feeling like today will be about me. I will focus on my job and taking care of myself. Tonight I have dinner plans with a friend. I know how important it is for me to not stress, to relax and ultimately to just trust God that if something is happening I will find out. I can't overthink everything he does. It isn't healthy for me or my baby girl. My decision to prepare for the worst stands but I can't live my every day waiting for the worst to happen. In regards to the comment about the joint credit card. That credit card isn't joint. It's just attached to our joint bank account. The only reason he was able to do that was because he was logged on his phone as me. He's my husband and before this I thought I could just trust him. Well he proved me wrong. I changed my password. Now he'll have to login as himself. He'll still have access to our joint checking and savings but not my credit card. He's learned the hard way not to take out atm withdrawals from our checking because I need to account for bills and our spending money. He's been good about that which is why I he needed to find another way. Now that I am opening a separate savings in a different bank where he won't have easy access and no access to credit cards it will be more complicated for him to get money. I'm not dumb... I'm sure he will figure out another way if he really wants to. But at least my credit cards are safe and our savings are safe. I'm smarter than he is and I've already thought of other ways to access money where I wouldn't even know. Like doing cash back at purchases until he has enough to buy what he needs. It'll be harder for me to detect unless I start asking for all receipts. But I can't do that to myself. I will know when God wants me to know. This time before I found out I had a dream that he was doing cash advances and I woke up so mad at him. I didn't actually think he was but I guess my subconscious knew better. Then a couple days later I find out this. I trust that all truth eventually surfaces and I will know when I need to know. So today is about me! I am happy about that. My birthday is in one week. My friends are already inviting me to celebrate with them on different days. I will take the opportunity to distract my mind and love life again. It can be draining but I am responsible for what I allow in my mind. I will keep you all posted on what happens or what changes occur. I will be talking to him this Sunday about the finances. We are registering for baby girl this weekend and the topic will be relevant then. I will update you all then. I appreciate all your comments.

JD4320

Ali, so the issue here is that it isn't clear if he is an addict or an irresponsible user. Either way, it's not good. He's lied to you, apparently it's affected his work performance, and stolen from you. Please please please put your money apart from his, not just cut off his credit card, but keep him out of your savings and checking as well. He hasn't earned that privilege, and if he is indeed an addict he can and will drain every cent out of that account on a whim. I've seen addicts blow through literally thousands of dollars in a day. You can't know if he's learned anything, all he's done is been caught. Don't presume to know or understand a person's interior, all that matters for you is his actions. When a person's words and actions don't line up, trust the actions. His actions sound pretty suspect. This sounds like a pretty sticky situation you've found yourself in. Please keep talking to us, be overly cautious about your finances, and DEFINITELY about your children. We're here to talk and lend some perspective

Cheers,
JD

Txhelp

Sounds like you have a plan in place! Very good.

Now, what is HE doing? Is he JUST not going to use?

Hawkeye13

I think you'll find the behavior will just go more "underground" but won't stop.
I also agree with above poster that you, at least, should have your money
and assets not difficult to access but impossible to access legally by him.

You sound really saavy to many of the tricks,
but addicts are extremely resourceful at finding ways to get their drugs.
Don't underestimatethat, or the cravings he will be having,
since it appears he's been using regularly for some time.
Sometimes they steal small valuables to hock so do lock up your jewelry for now,
even if it seems like overkill. Too late when it's gone.
Review what other things you have that might vanish without you noticing for awhile and keep track.

Most addicts can't just "stop" without some extra support and most of the the strong willingness to do so.
Right now he's been caught, as someone said, but that doesn't mean he's done.
His sister taking you aside and warning you should be a huge flag that this
could, and maybe has, been a very bad issue in the past.

Part of your discussion about finances maybe needs to be
what external support / steps he plans to take to get help to really stop.
Actions speak louder than words, and so far they have.
He's stealing from the family, lying to you and impersonating you to get
access to your credit, and he apparently wasn't honest enough to tell
you about his addiction, or the depth of it, before marriage.

I'd say he needs to show you though actively engaging in a treatment program
and total financial accountability that he really is serious about not using again.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this with a little one on the way.
You really sound smart with a good head for finances and solid self-esteem.
These are great qualities for anyone, but especially in this situation.
He's already stepped over you boundary more than once.
What's your plan if he does so again?