Dimndaruf

HI SR family, it's been a while since I've posted. I've been making great strides in my codie recovery...still attending therapy, keeping busy with things and most importantly-maintaining the boundaries of my separation and soon to occur divorce.

I had a slight relapse this week in terms of letting something get to me so I thought I would reach out to hear some views on AH. Something has been resonating in my brain for days now and I'm trying to let it go but it's haunting me and I can't seem to let it go. I was doing so well, refusing to engage in conversations other than things that had to do with our children. I didn't call or text him at all!

I will spare the details of the conversation but to make it quick...AH tried to start an emotional convo with me about how he will always love me, blah blah...and I shut it down immediately by pointing out how he would do this same thing with his ex when we were together. (he was hurt and embarrassed). Then he made a statement to me about "the lies" that I have told him in the past. He told me that I "lied to him and expected him to take it a truth" and he won't be my "dummy" but instead be an "example". I couldn't believe that the king of lies wants to point out my lies (that he probably couldn't list 3 of because there weren't many)! He's lied about EVERYTHING...from conversations with his ex, drinking, his whereabouts, etc. You name it and he's lied about it! The only reasons I've ever lied were for self-preservation, not because I was doing wrong behind his back and lying to him. It would be something like me not telling him I spoke to his mom about his behavior or something small. He's so thin-skinned that anything upsetting would send him into rage or drinking...drinking himself to the point of verbal and emotional abuse and missing work. So, although it may have been wrong I would rather not suffer the abuse from his anger and hurt.

I don't understand why he's been caught over and over and over again in lies but wants to call me a liar, if I ask him to name 3 things that I've lied about he'll probably name one and then say he can't think of anything else right now....

What's wrong with him and why am I letting this get to me?

Wisconsin

Oh my friend, this has been a common refrain in my own marriage. I've been called a liar more times than I can count.

Most of us have been on the receiving end of some pretty awful verbal abuse. I have found that each of us has a hard time letting go of one piece or another, depending on our personal histories. Perhaps there is something else in your past that makes being called a liar particular hurtful and hard to let go of, even though you are perfectly aware that your AH is very sick and/or crazy and/or delusional, and that you shouldn't take anything he says to heart?

For me, the hardest thing to let go of has been the insults about my physical appearance. I believe this is tied to bullying that happened to me in middle school and high school. It just happens to be a very, very sore spot for me, and thus it makes sense that it is harder for me to let go of my resentment.

sauerkraut

Hi Dimndaruf,
My AH is doing that too, calling me a deceitful, spying, liar regardless of the facts and regardless of his behavior. He upped the ante over the weekend saying I was drunk and "terrorizing" him and our children when I stopped by to see if everything was okay after receiving a series of problematic texts from him.

I think folks here call it quacking.

ladyscribbler

I once hit my ex in the head with a hammer so hard that he fell down a flight of stairs and went into a coma. He woke up the next day and drove himself to an appointment (with a five inch section of his scalp hanging loose on his head). When the doc at the VA saw his injuries they put him in a wheelchair and called an ambulance. My rages used to terrify the entire family and it was well known that people should stay away from our home because of my horrific verbal and physical abuse. Everyone was afraid of me.
I also used to trick him by putting vodka into water bottles and switching them with his water.
Plus I cheated on him with my ex husband, throwing him and our son out of the house so that we could have a torrid three day affair.
And one time the dog crapped in his pants.
And the dog and cats peed his pants a bunch of times.
There were more, but you get the general idea. The words themselves are meaningless. Just another means of protecting the drinking. If everything is someone else's fault, then he can't possibly have a drinking problem.

dandylion

Dinindaurf......if you want to know why he lies......Read this article written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D....."Addiction, Lies, and Relationships".....you can find it by a google search....
While you are at it...you might appreciate the articles...."Excuses alcoholics make" .....and, "The Addict's dilemma"....
These are the best that I have read in explaining the alcoholic mind......

dandylion

maia1234

IMO this is called leveling the playing field, he does it, so you must. He doesn't want to be called out so he "turns" it around on you. What you did or what you said was way worse then what he did. He gets you so angry that everyone forgets the "crxp" that he/she pulled.

You can read this on the A forum of the crazy things that A's do to their spouses. Its quite sad, but it works for them and they keep doing it. We all slowly learn not to engage with A, and look at them and say "I know the truth".

Hugs ladies, don't even try to understand their logic .

ladyscribbler

This thread was on the Newcomers to Recovery forum. It's pretty similar to our "Things a Normie Wouldn't Know" thread but from the other point of view.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-dont-do.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

Liveitwell

I second reading the newcomers section...or the alcoholism section on this forum. I've posed many a question to them and the response is quite unanimous-he's doing it bc he's a very sick addict-many have offered their own stories of what they did to their spouses. It's eye opening and validating. Check it out.

teatreeoil007

Part of your AH's MO (modus operandi) is to turn things back onto you rather than face the TRUTH you know and that he knows as well. He doesn't really want to face the truth because he doesn't want to deal with all the consequences, one of them LOSING you. Yes, as raunchy as he's treated you there is still part of him that doesn't want to lose you...or does not wish to accept he has already lost you...whichever the case may be....And he SURELY cannot accept that you are improving yourself AND your life without him; with class and respect. You can EXPECT he will accuse you of being "just as bad" as he has been and you can also expect he will blame you for as much as he can possibly blame you for and even make you out to be the villain.

Doesn't feel so good sometimes. Your challenge is going to be to keep on the healthy path and for me: with the help of my Higher Power, to believe that there is such a thing as "sweet" justice, but justice may not come when we think it should or how we think it should. You just keep taking care of yourself and don't get pulled into his drama. Take care...

Liveitwell

Expect the worst, expect lies, expect more slander and bringing up everything you did wrong-and maybe even making things up (such as Lady's ex and mine did). If you can truly lower your expectations to this level, you won't be let down. You will be expecting reality, sad as it is. But it's not your reality-yours is one if growth, healing, truth and moving forward with your higher power into much more peace, whatever that means to you.

FireSprite

He could be projecting - many, many addicts rant on about the very things that they know they are guilty of themselves. (Actually, I think PEOPLE do this in general, I don't think this is an addict-specific quality, although it may be more frequent/obvious in these cases.) It's an attempt to normalize his feelings during the situation - like someone else said, it's kind of like, "if I'm bad then so are you". It allows him to shift the focus from him to you.

After getting sober, RAH admitted that he often had absolutely zero basis in his allegations- he literally said whatever came to mind without checking it for accuracy JUST to be argumentative. ESPECIALLY if/when I was "right" in his opinion - he'd do anything to be contrary just so that I wouldn't "win".... throwing out random insults & lies was a way to drive any conversation into a no-win argument & he would successfully derail me from the original issue every. single. time. That it wasn't something that he put ANY effort into, in any way, at any time, was shocking. It just spewed out, like word vomit.

This single clarification really astonished me. The quiet following these admissions was deafening, I was at a complete loss for words. I couldn't get over the absolute randomness of it on his side compared to how much mental energy *I* had invested in taking it personally, defending myself & then analyzing his actions ad nauseum. In just seconds, he had me off on a mission to defend myself, chasing my tail for hours.

The best part though? He hardly ever remembered doing/saying it. Sometimes later, he'd think *I* made it up just to fight with *him*.

Liveitwell

^ ah yes-the oldest trick in an addicts book-"you made that up". How do you fight that? God I don't miss feeling like I was crazy as the truth stared me in the face. I recall a long time ago (before kids) my husband got so drunk one night and told me he wished I was dead-literally. We weren't fighting or anything-just switch flipped. And the next morning and all day he spent on his hands and knees crying about what he had done and asking for forgiveness (as this was not the first time of drunken abusjve episodes). Then, imagine whst happened next...couple days later while he was rip roaring drunk again-suddenly I had made it all up! Yep. And I was then the crazy loon that makes up stories about him. Geez-if only my imagination were that great. I haven't made up a damn word, unfortunately. And I'd chase my tail trying prove that it was true and that he was a liar. Gah/that took up so much of my time. Glad to just not care anymore! Alcoholics are drinks and liars-it is what it is.

hopeful4

They try to make you look like a liar so it condones their own lies. It's absolutely crazy and nuts.

Liveitwell

Yep ^ my experience as well. Totally disgusting.