how do i let go? what do i say without hurting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 28
how do i let go? what do i say without hurting?
dear friends and family of addicts,
i am a dear friend/ex lover of an addict....opiates...heroin....and whatever else she did not tell me about....you name it.
we were dating until she replaced my love with heroin
she is currently at rehab and sent me a letter admitting all of the wrongs she did while staying with me for some time. stealing from me and my family, using in my house, lying, etc etc.
for many many reasons,
i want to write her a letter back telling her goodbye. i have to let her go.
i have an issue with the end of the letter when i actually am trying to let her go. i just dont know what to say. so far i have:
"i am only able to love and support you, not your addiction. contact me when you can honestly do the same...maybe in a year or more of continuous no break sobriety. "
problems: i feel like putting a time frame on it is unrealistic and harsh especially when we are told one day at a time. i know that it could take 20 years for her to reach a full continuous year of sobriety.
but if i dont include this, i dont want her to think it is OK to contact me after a month of rehab.
my friends dont even think i should tell her to contact me. they want her out of my life and have cried to me in pain saying they feel sorry for me and they dont even think i should be writing her back. i think it is great that she sent me a letter admitting and i could at least send an honest one back....they say i owe her nothing. this is not about pride or power. they just dont understand addiction.
the letter is short and important to me. after being used, manipulated, and abused by this addict. i know that it is important that i crack down by letting her know that i am done. even if it is just temporary.
should it even be temporary? i dont want to be harsh and say "dont contact me ever again" for example...
i cannot help her when she is just lying to me to use drugs. still i know that addicts need support from the ones that love them. i want her to know that i can only support her when she can do the same. i am willing to talk to her about things when she is sober so that she can work on the problems beneath addiction.
any way, how was it when you said goodbye? how did you say it? did you say it at all or did you leave without a notice?
i am a dear friend/ex lover of an addict....opiates...heroin....and whatever else she did not tell me about....you name it.
we were dating until she replaced my love with heroin
she is currently at rehab and sent me a letter admitting all of the wrongs she did while staying with me for some time. stealing from me and my family, using in my house, lying, etc etc.
for many many reasons,
i want to write her a letter back telling her goodbye. i have to let her go.
i have an issue with the end of the letter when i actually am trying to let her go. i just dont know what to say. so far i have:
"i am only able to love and support you, not your addiction. contact me when you can honestly do the same...maybe in a year or more of continuous no break sobriety. "
problems: i feel like putting a time frame on it is unrealistic and harsh especially when we are told one day at a time. i know that it could take 20 years for her to reach a full continuous year of sobriety.
but if i dont include this, i dont want her to think it is OK to contact me after a month of rehab.
my friends dont even think i should tell her to contact me. they want her out of my life and have cried to me in pain saying they feel sorry for me and they dont even think i should be writing her back. i think it is great that she sent me a letter admitting and i could at least send an honest one back....they say i owe her nothing. this is not about pride or power. they just dont understand addiction.
the letter is short and important to me. after being used, manipulated, and abused by this addict. i know that it is important that i crack down by letting her know that i am done. even if it is just temporary.
should it even be temporary? i dont want to be harsh and say "dont contact me ever again" for example...
i cannot help her when she is just lying to me to use drugs. still i know that addicts need support from the ones that love them. i want her to know that i can only support her when she can do the same. i am willing to talk to her about things when she is sober so that she can work on the problems beneath addiction.
any way, how was it when you said goodbye? how did you say it? did you say it at all or did you leave without a notice?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think clarity with kindness is a good route to go.
"Now is an important time for you to focus on your recovery, and an important time for me to address my own healing and issues. I am going to step back and give us both space to get healthy. I appreciate your honesty and ask that you please respect my decision.'
or something like that.
I love the adage "say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean."
No need to walk on eggshells, no need to spew blame, shame or resentment. Just insist on your space and then take it.
Hugs
"Now is an important time for you to focus on your recovery, and an important time for me to address my own healing and issues. I am going to step back and give us both space to get healthy. I appreciate your honesty and ask that you please respect my decision.'
or something like that.
I love the adage "say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean."
No need to walk on eggshells, no need to spew blame, shame or resentment. Just insist on your space and then take it.
Hugs
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by odaat13 
my friends dont even think i should tell her to contact me.
While she's in rehab, I would suggest you get to a Nar-anon meeting. Stop worrying about "hurting" the addict in your life and start working on yourself, the person being hurt in this relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Ann
I think clarity with kindness is a good route to go.
"Now is an important time for you to focus on your recovery, and an important time for me to address my own healing and issues. I am going to step back and give us both space to get healthy. I appreciate your honesty and ask that you please respect my decision.'
or something like that.
I love the adage "say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean."
No need to walk on eggshells, no need to spew blame, shame or resentment. Just insist on your space and then take it.
Hugs
"Now is an important time for you to focus on your recovery, and an important time for me to address my own healing and issues. I am going to step back and give us both space to get healthy. I appreciate your honesty and ask that you please respect my decision.'
or something like that.
I love the adage "say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean."
No need to walk on eggshells, no need to spew blame, shame or resentment. Just insist on your space and then take it.
Hugs
thank you for understanding and for your help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I think your friends are right.
While she's in rehab, I would suggest you get to a Nar-anon meeting. Stop worrying about "hurting" the addict in your life and start working on yourself, the person being hurt in this relationship.
While she's in rehab, I would suggest you get to a Nar-anon meeting. Stop worrying about "hurting" the addict in your life and start working on yourself, the person being hurt in this relationship.
thank you, i really need to work on myself. i think i should go to a Nar-anon as well. i just personally need to write her goodbye...but my friends think i should cut off without saying anything. i don't know. it is so complicated.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Here's a question.
After all that she's done -- including but not limited to stealing from you and your family, using in your house, lying to you -- why would you choose to leave the door open a crack for her? Why are you trying to protect her feelings?
What we try to do here for members -- new ones and established ones -- is help them make the best decisions they can for themselves. And part of that process is coming to terms with what's best for us isn't necessarily what we want. It is painful to remove someone from our lives who we love. But compare that to the pain of allowing them to be in our lives while they betray us time and time again.
Food for thought.
After all that she's done -- including but not limited to stealing from you and your family, using in your house, lying to you -- why would you choose to leave the door open a crack for her? Why are you trying to protect her feelings?
What we try to do here for members -- new ones and established ones -- is help them make the best decisions they can for themselves. And part of that process is coming to terms with what's best for us isn't necessarily what we want. It is painful to remove someone from our lives who we love. But compare that to the pain of allowing them to be in our lives while they betray us time and time again.
Food for thought.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by odaat13
... they just dont understand addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
her letter does not REQUIRE a reply. since your own thoughts are still jumbled, i like the idea of this "letter" of yours being more for your own growth, in a journal. no need for a big send off......as it is, you are wanting to leave the door open - which only leaves you exposed for further hurts. she admitted her wrongs. why not let that be THE END? and you get busy taking care of you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I think each person needs to do what is going to 'work' for them and what 'works' best for them is going to be something they can 'live with' and not agonize over.
I think it's okay to not respond; not say anything. Actions speak louder than words anyway and always have. Not responding IS type of action, really, and "you say it best when you say nothing at all". There is something within most of us that wants to do things right, make things right, part on good terms, etc and sometimes we just don't get the closure we want or need. That is an exercise in itself: getting closure. You could write the absolute BEST letter in the world, but still not get closure. I guess you never find out some things.
But, there is a higher path to follow, my friend that can take us above all the misunderstandings and lack of closure and whatever else we LACK. For the fact remains: People LACK. All of us. But I do believe we can still be whole and there is a Higher Power to help us with what/how we lack. That HP may have been trying to show Itself to us for a very long time before we ever really see it.
Eventually you'll decide what it is you need to do, what you can live with and what is going to bring you peace. We can tell you what we would do or what we think you should do. We can tell you what we have done in similar situations. That may STILL not be what YOU need to do....And, sometimes, if you are not sure what to do about something like this, just WAIT. So, be patient. And while you are waiting...you can be doing some wonderful healthy things for yourself.
Please try to stop worrying about all things you may have done wrong or could do wrong that haven't even happened yet. People are going to react the way they react. You only have so much control over things.
I think it's okay to not respond; not say anything. Actions speak louder than words anyway and always have. Not responding IS type of action, really, and "you say it best when you say nothing at all". There is something within most of us that wants to do things right, make things right, part on good terms, etc and sometimes we just don't get the closure we want or need. That is an exercise in itself: getting closure. You could write the absolute BEST letter in the world, but still not get closure. I guess you never find out some things.
But, there is a higher path to follow, my friend that can take us above all the misunderstandings and lack of closure and whatever else we LACK. For the fact remains: People LACK. All of us. But I do believe we can still be whole and there is a Higher Power to help us with what/how we lack. That HP may have been trying to show Itself to us for a very long time before we ever really see it.
Eventually you'll decide what it is you need to do, what you can live with and what is going to bring you peace. We can tell you what we would do or what we think you should do. We can tell you what we have done in similar situations. That may STILL not be what YOU need to do....And, sometimes, if you are not sure what to do about something like this, just WAIT. So, be patient. And while you are waiting...you can be doing some wonderful healthy things for yourself.
Please try to stop worrying about all things you may have done wrong or could do wrong that haven't even happened yet. People are going to react the way they react. You only have so much control over things.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by odaat13
thank you, i really need to work on myself. i think i should go to a Nar-anon as well. i just personally need to write her goodbye...but my friends think i should cut off without saying anything. i don't know. it is so complicated.
My sense from you is that you tend to agonize over decisions and how your decisions are going to be received by others. Writing a letter at this point in time and sending it:I think you are just going to end up agonizing over how she receives it.
You do show here also, that you have some compassion toward your ex/dear friend and I don't know the whole story...what led to her addiction....but only time will tell if she is able to overcome. I would just leave her alone for now....as it sounds like she is in the midst of treatment. Let go and let God.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
This is a natural time for a break, so if you do send her a note just wish her the best in healing and for her future. She is fully supported by a team of professionals so you can let them do their work. It's probably best that she leave the outside world (you) and focus on her recovery rather than live in the past with romanticized thoughts. She'll be ok. She's stronger than you think, and she needs a new future. You go take care of you
and make sure to keep us all updated. I'm sorry this is so hard.
and make sure to keep us all updated. I'm sorry this is so hard.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
The addict I crossed paths with was
EMPHATIC about never hearing
that word (Goodbye).
I respected her wishes.Never said it.
(But DID change my phone number)
Like Cynical says, there is no closure----
only ones own decision to stop allowing
ourselves to be abused......
EMPHATIC about never hearing
that word (Goodbye).
I respected her wishes.Never said it.
(But DID change my phone number)
Like Cynical says, there is no closure----
only ones own decision to stop allowing
ourselves to be abused......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Eventually you'll decide what it is you need to do, what you can live with and what is going to bring you peace. We can tell you what we would do or what we think you should do. We can tell you what we have done in similar situations. That may STILL not be what YOU need to do....And, sometimes, if you are not sure what to do about something like this, just WAIT. So, be patient. And while you are waiting...you can be doing some wonderful healthy things for yourself.
Please try to stop worrying about all things you may have done wrong or could do wrong that haven't even happened yet. People are going to react the way they react. You only have so much control over things.
thank you.....i decided to reply earlier today before i read all of these replies telling me to do the exact opposite. than you all so much. i need to work on a lot of things with myself for sure. the entire relationship resulted around mental and emotional abuse. i figured that by replying with a letter saying goodbye that i was claiming my happiness and self worth. this was my way of moving on. hopefully things will be okay
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by JK130
This is a natural time for a break, so if you do send her a note just wish her the best in healing and for her future. She is fully supported by a team of professionals so you can let them do their work. It's probably best that she leave the outside world (you) and focus on her recovery rather than live in the past with romanticized thoughts. She'll be ok. She's stronger than you think, and she needs a new future. You go take care of you and make sure to keep us all updated. I'm sorry this is so hard.
and make sure to keep us all updated. I'm sorry this is so hard.Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
I think each person needs to do what is going to 'work' for them and what 'works' best for them is going to be something they can 'live with' and not agonize over.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Just speaking for myself and my own "work" on issues: there can come a time when we need to live/let live, yes, but also, I think it shows progress when we can genuinely wish for WELLNESS/happiness/the best for someone else who we once had problems with. We hope that people CAN change for the better.
If there is still some healing that needs to happen it might be sort of tempting to communicate in a spiteful way. I know this because I've done that before myself in the past. So, I try to wait until I am in a better place before I reach out to someone like that(like an ex lover, for example who chose drugs over me) Not always easy to come to that "frame of heart/mind"-but when you CAN, I think that indicates healing.
We all have vulnerable things about us. Right now, my guess is your dear friend is still very vulnerable if she is in the middle of rehab. .I know that many people do not think addiction is a disease, but that is how it is treated today and that is why there is professional help. She has an illness she is trying to overcome. She likely needs as much positive in her life as possible because she is going through some intense stuff; facing her issues, and most CD counselors do not let addicts off lightly. I don't know if this is helpful at all....
If there is still some healing that needs to happen it might be sort of tempting to communicate in a spiteful way. I know this because I've done that before myself in the past. So, I try to wait until I am in a better place before I reach out to someone like that(like an ex lover, for example who chose drugs over me) Not always easy to come to that "frame of heart/mind"-but when you CAN, I think that indicates healing.
We all have vulnerable things about us. Right now, my guess is your dear friend is still very vulnerable if she is in the middle of rehab. .I know that many people do not think addiction is a disease, but that is how it is treated today and that is why there is professional help. She has an illness she is trying to overcome. She likely needs as much positive in her life as possible because she is going through some intense stuff; facing her issues, and most CD counselors do not let addicts off lightly. I don't know if this is helpful at all....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 39
In my opinion and from what I've heard from my abf's current treatment facility and other people's is no better time to give bad/upsetting news to the addict then while in treatment. They have the support and coping skills surrounding them to deal with it. I say do it sooner than later, to help her move forward in treatment.
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