imaginebetterau

Hi all

So this seems very hard to type even on a forum such as this one, because I'm embarrassed about my drinking, but I am an alcoholic at the beginning of my journey to recovery.

I have always been a bit of a binge drinker on weekends but my drinking problem really started to deal with anxiety. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and depression, but after a very traumatic event (nearly died in an accident) I started drinking to cover up my feelings and anxiety.

I went from having a few wines at night to drinking three bottles a day every day for the last 18 months, sometimes more with vodka, beers, anything I can get my hands on really.

It's affected my relationship with my husband (I've cheated on him, yelled at him etc), my family, my friends , my work (I haven't lost a job but I struggle to keep up with my professional career when drunk at work) and my body (I've gained 20kg) . I've lied cheated and stolen and hurt a lot of people.

Now I'm starting the road to recovery, am seeing a psychologist but I'm really struggling with dealing with the guilt over all the things I've done and the people I've hurt. It makes me want to drink more to forget it all. Anyway, hope this forum is a good support for me.

Hevyn

Welcome, Imagine. We're so glad you've joined us.

I felt hesitant to type here at first - but before long this place became a part of me. I've rarely missed a day in years, and it's made all the difference. Just knowing others understand what you're going through does so much to ease our anxiety. Please be kind to yourself - guilt and remorse are damaging and serve no purpose. I've done most of those things you mentioned. My regret held me down & almost kept me from healing. What's important is your new, sober life & what happens now. Hold your head up and be the best person you can be today.

SillyHuman

That was not really you doing those things. That was chemically induced insanity doing those things.

Do not take that first drink, and everything that was harmed will have a chance to heal. You can be OK. We'll help you get there.

Good for you for seeking therapy!

Welcome. I am glad you are here.

least

Welcome to the family. I've done things I'm not proud of while drinking. It took me a while before I could forgive myself. But now my sober life is so much better. I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.

Soberwolf

Welcome to SR

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Imagine!!

Anna

Welcome!

I think most of us have done things while drinking that we are ashamed of doing. I found it hard to let go of blaming myself over and over again to the point that it was keeping me drinking. You might find it helpful to keep a journal and to write down the feelings of guilt with the hope of letting the feelings go.

ilovedogs666

I completely understand. I would say or do things when drinking that I would never in a million years say or do while sober.. And once I came to I would remember or be told about what I said/did and I would feel soooo ashamed guilty embarrassed horrified!!!! I used to black out pretty much every single time and not remember anything or remember bits and pieces... Which made it all seem like a dream. The worst thing for me was that the things I would say or do were completely out if character like not even things Im thinking or feeling... I would not be able to handle what happened and drown myself in alcohol.. A vicious cycle. Even now I remember some stuff I did while I was still thinking and I feel an overwhelming anxiety and shame and I tell myself Im sober now, as long as I dont pick up stuff like this will not happen again, yes I am ashamed and I wish lots of things hadnt happened but they did. I cant change the past but I can control what to do right now and thats staying away from drinking one day at a time.

mcflurry

Me too, I often wondered if I'd been possessed by some evil being when blackout drunk- I couldn't comprehend my activities. Nothing scarier than waking up, head spinning, dry-mouthed but still drunk from the night before, knowing you shouldn't feel like this. Then wondering why no one's talking to you

It's so easy to let the guilt push you towards more drink. Remember you don't have to do that. Agree with being kind to yourself about what's happened in the past- that can't change but what can change is you don't have to feel that bad, ever again. That's what I'm telling myself

Dropsie

I am sorry for your suffering, and hope that you can find a way past the guilt.

We have all been there, and if we did not have some guilt we would not be human, but I try to remember that this is where I need to be and everything that got me here needed to happen even if I can't understand why.

All I can do is to my best every day from here on out, and when I don't do my best, forgive myself for that too.

hang close, this is a great place.

Nice to meet you.

Ruby2

I'm glad you're here and it's good to meet you. I did some pretty awful and stupid things when I was drinking but the longer I am away from that, I've been able to mend most of the damage. It takes time. Time heals a lot of things. Take care of yourself for now and let things unfold. I needed a lot of support when I stopped. I was drinking about as much as you were. I didn't lose my job but it came close. Keep coming back.