Advice Please? End All Contact My Mother??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 3
Advice Please? End All Contact My Mother??
Hi,
I'm brand new here, but I have a problem I'm hoping for advice with. First my question, then a brief history to explain: The question is, Is it okay to cut off all contact with my alcoholic mother? I feel this is what I may need to do, for my own health & sanity, but feel so guilty about it. Here's a brief history, and if anyone needs more details or clarification, just ask:
I'm 32; My mother is not recovered, and is still in denial that she's even an alcoholic, although she's been one at least my entire life. She doesn't drink "as often" (it used to be daily), but I still never know if she'll answer her phone drunk or not. I mention that because it causes me extreme emotional turmoil if I call and she is drinking. She lives a life of extreme dysfunction. My brother is also a severe alcoholic and the two have always been drinking pals. He's a disturbed individual and whenever they get together my mother becomes his accomplice in whatever stupid scheme he is up to at the time (he's always up to no good despite him being 39 years old).
So there's a lot of dysfunction there. I have severe Depression and have had it as long as I can remember. I have a few other issues too, which I'm sure you folks on this board know all about; Extreme Guilt & Extreme Worrying among others. Okay, so I've read tons of books, gone to meetings, tried to fix my mother, tried not to fix my mother, struggled with how exactly one "detaches", etc. Now I'm watching the two of them pass on their dysfunction to my brother's children and it's making me literally sick. I called my mother once recently and she was telling me how "Awful it is that my brother's X-wife put the kids into counseling..." (!!!!!!!!) I tried to explain that there's nothing wrong with couseling and reminded her that I went to a psychiatrist as a teenager too. To that she said, "It's just as rediculous as when you went."
I'm sorry to carry on, but I wanted to give you all an idea of my situation. I truly believe my mother will never get it, ever. Every time I visit or call I'm reminded of this, and reminded also of the pain and neglect she put me through growing up. Even when she's sober she's disturbed and is manipulative and guilt-trips me constantly by playing the "victim role". But I need to get better. I need to focus on my own health and mental well being, and even as I say those words I realize I have never been able to put myself first. Is it okay to cease all contact with my mother in order to salvage what I can of myself? I feel like I have spent my life trying EVERYTHING else and this is what seems to be the only option left. Is it cruel? By the way, my mother lives far from all of her relatives, and when they call she tells them that "no one takes care of her and that she's all alone with no food, etc"...so they already think I've abandoned her. What would I tell them now, that I really did?
I'm so sorry this was so long. I'd appreciate any input. Thank You.
I'm brand new here, but I have a problem I'm hoping for advice with. First my question, then a brief history to explain: The question is, Is it okay to cut off all contact with my alcoholic mother? I feel this is what I may need to do, for my own health & sanity, but feel so guilty about it. Here's a brief history, and if anyone needs more details or clarification, just ask:
I'm 32; My mother is not recovered, and is still in denial that she's even an alcoholic, although she's been one at least my entire life. She doesn't drink "as often" (it used to be daily), but I still never know if she'll answer her phone drunk or not. I mention that because it causes me extreme emotional turmoil if I call and she is drinking. She lives a life of extreme dysfunction. My brother is also a severe alcoholic and the two have always been drinking pals. He's a disturbed individual and whenever they get together my mother becomes his accomplice in whatever stupid scheme he is up to at the time (he's always up to no good despite him being 39 years old).
So there's a lot of dysfunction there. I have severe Depression and have had it as long as I can remember. I have a few other issues too, which I'm sure you folks on this board know all about; Extreme Guilt & Extreme Worrying among others. Okay, so I've read tons of books, gone to meetings, tried to fix my mother, tried not to fix my mother, struggled with how exactly one "detaches", etc. Now I'm watching the two of them pass on their dysfunction to my brother's children and it's making me literally sick. I called my mother once recently and she was telling me how "Awful it is that my brother's X-wife put the kids into counseling..." (!!!!!!!!) I tried to explain that there's nothing wrong with couseling and reminded her that I went to a psychiatrist as a teenager too. To that she said, "It's just as rediculous as when you went."
I'm sorry to carry on, but I wanted to give you all an idea of my situation. I truly believe my mother will never get it, ever. Every time I visit or call I'm reminded of this, and reminded also of the pain and neglect she put me through growing up. Even when she's sober she's disturbed and is manipulative and guilt-trips me constantly by playing the "victim role". But I need to get better. I need to focus on my own health and mental well being, and even as I say those words I realize I have never been able to put myself first. Is it okay to cease all contact with my mother in order to salvage what I can of myself? I feel like I have spent my life trying EVERYTHING else and this is what seems to be the only option left. Is it cruel? By the way, my mother lives far from all of her relatives, and when they call she tells them that "no one takes care of her and that she's all alone with no food, etc"...so they already think I've abandoned her. What would I tell them now, that I really did?
I'm so sorry this was so long. I'd appreciate any input. Thank You.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey ljhaze,
If this is what you need to do for your own health and sanity, then by all means do it. Go ahead and focus on your own health and mental well being. And don't feel guilty about that. You are the only one who is going to take care of you. You are not responsible for your mother. She is responsible for herself.
Hugs,
Gabe
If this is what you need to do for your own health and sanity, then by all means do it. Go ahead and focus on your own health and mental well being. And don't feel guilty about that. You are the only one who is going to take care of you. You are not responsible for your mother. She is responsible for herself.
Hugs,
Gabe
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Ljhaze and welcome,
Yes, it is ok to cut off ties with your mother for your own health and serenity. She and others will try to make you feel guilty for "abandoning" her, but she abandoned you a long time ago. She was never there for you the way a mother should be for her child. And as long as she continues to drink, the two of you will never be able to have a functional relationship. You are still young and you have plenty of life ahead of you. It's time to start living it for you.
Take care,
JG
Yes, it is ok to cut off ties with your mother for your own health and serenity. She and others will try to make you feel guilty for "abandoning" her, but she abandoned you a long time ago. She was never there for you the way a mother should be for her child. And as long as she continues to drink, the two of you will never be able to have a functional relationship. You are still young and you have plenty of life ahead of you. It's time to start living it for you.
Take care,
JG
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hi Ljhaze.... 
It is crucial for self-survival to let go of people, places and things that drain us of our precious life force.
You are not responsible for your mother or her addiction.
It may help to write a letter to your mother, telling her how you feel about all the htings that have happened and how you feel about her.
Then take that letter and burn it, or attach it to a few balloons and send it out to the universe... I find this very effective in releasing things that no longer serve me or my recovery.
There is a womens meeting here on thurs.evening that you may find helpful.
You will find info about it and the 16-steps of Discovery & Empowerment on the women in recovery forum.
Nomaste'
It is crucial for self-survival to let go of people, places and things that drain us of our precious life force.
You are not responsible for your mother or her addiction.
It may help to write a letter to your mother, telling her how you feel about all the htings that have happened and how you feel about her.
Then take that letter and burn it, or attach it to a few balloons and send it out to the universe... I find this very effective in releasing things that no longer serve me or my recovery.
There is a womens meeting here on thurs.evening that you may find helpful.
You will find info about it and the 16-steps of Discovery & Empowerment on the women in recovery forum.
Nomaste'
Castaway
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 783
I agree with all of these posters. I had to give up practically everyone I grew up with because they're all alcoholic and drug addicts. It took me way too long to figure this out and I became an alcoholic in the process. Clean now and detached from them is better. You can do it too.
Sandy
Sandy
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Hello Darlin'
I cannot tell you exactly what to do to make it better. Know that no matter what you do it is a long neverending process to maintain your happiness and put yourself first. I am working hard on it. Realize that you have options, that is one of the keyz to finding happiness and sanity. I always used to confine myself to my family and tell myself that I had to take care of them. That just isn't true for me anymore.
Personally, my entire family, (mother, father, grandmother, aunts, uncles) is full of alcoholics. At one point in time I felt like I had to stay and take care of them. I am 19 years old, I am completely independent and I dont ask them for anything because I know they cant give me anything. They are too wrapped up in their sick world to think about me. I am an undergrad student and decided that I will no longer go home to all of that sickness and sadness.
I will not go home and last summer I stayed somewhere else. I do not feel guilty for taking care of myself either. I have the right to look into what is in my best interest. And part of taking care of myself is detaching from my family and not making myself be their champion. They are abusing the children in the family the same way they used to abuse me and I wish I could save them but I cant at this time. I know right now that I am getting it together so that when my little cousins go off to college, I will be able to support them and they can come stay with me.
I hope my reply has helped you in some kind of way. I do not think it is wrong to separate myself from the situation and I do not think it is wrong for you to do it either. I understand they are your family and all but that does not excuse the pain and hurt they cause you.
hugz and kizzez,
~Def
I cannot tell you exactly what to do to make it better. Know that no matter what you do it is a long neverending process to maintain your happiness and put yourself first. I am working hard on it. Realize that you have options, that is one of the keyz to finding happiness and sanity. I always used to confine myself to my family and tell myself that I had to take care of them. That just isn't true for me anymore.
Personally, my entire family, (mother, father, grandmother, aunts, uncles) is full of alcoholics. At one point in time I felt like I had to stay and take care of them. I am 19 years old, I am completely independent and I dont ask them for anything because I know they cant give me anything. They are too wrapped up in their sick world to think about me. I am an undergrad student and decided that I will no longer go home to all of that sickness and sadness.
I will not go home and last summer I stayed somewhere else. I do not feel guilty for taking care of myself either. I have the right to look into what is in my best interest. And part of taking care of myself is detaching from my family and not making myself be their champion. They are abusing the children in the family the same way they used to abuse me and I wish I could save them but I cant at this time. I know right now that I am getting it together so that when my little cousins go off to college, I will be able to support them and they can come stay with me.
I hope my reply has helped you in some kind of way. I do not think it is wrong to separate myself from the situation and I do not think it is wrong for you to do it either. I understand they are your family and all but that does not excuse the pain and hurt they cause you.
hugz and kizzez,
~Def
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 3
Thanks so much to all who responded to my question. I guess I just needed reassurance that it's okay to take care of ME now. When I start to feel "unsure", I'll come read these responses again. Take Care!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
ljhaze-
just want to throw in my 2 cents worth. For many years I did not speak to anyone in my family. All are still active in their addictions. But, I am ok with speaking to them now. My mom is getting older and I feel it is appropiate to call her several times a week. Being in recovery has given me tools that keep me safe no matter who I am around....
just want to throw in my 2 cents worth. For many years I did not speak to anyone in my family. All are still active in their addictions. But, I am ok with speaking to them now. My mom is getting older and I feel it is appropiate to call her several times a week. Being in recovery has given me tools that keep me safe no matter who I am around....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 3
I appreciate what you are saying, Splendra. Unfortunately, I do not feel safe when I call or visit. Instead, I become overwhelmed with anxiety, my Depression gets worse, and all the pain she brought to me comes back to the forefront of my mind. The only reason I call or visit is because I'm overwhelmed with the guilt of being a 'bad daughter', and I keep thinking that "this time might be different". It never is. She cannot enjoy a phonecall or visit from me without guilt tripping me, bad-mouthing my father, etc.
I have to hear how my brother (who is a severe & practicing alcoholic) does this and that for her, while I just neglect her. Even though I am the one who has always brought her on errands (she lost her license years ago for drunk driving) and my brother has never done anything but get her drunk.
If she even attempted to admit any of it, I'd be apt to try and forgive and move on. But she's in complete denial and insists I imagined my whole childhood. There's just too much pain.
I have to hear how my brother (who is a severe & practicing alcoholic) does this and that for her, while I just neglect her. Even though I am the one who has always brought her on errands (she lost her license years ago for drunk driving) and my brother has never done anything but get her drunk.
If she even attempted to admit any of it, I'd be apt to try and forgive and move on. But she's in complete denial and insists I imagined my whole childhood. There's just too much pain.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I understand.... my mom tries to guilt me too. It's only after having been in recovery for a number of years that I can be ok. I used to think that she was trying to hurt me but, now I know that is just how she is. She just doesn't know any better. She talks about how nobody in her family is any good alot to me. I just say excuse me mom I own my own property,pay my own bills,have my own car, and have never been in trouble with the law you do have one child who is not an addict and does not live off of you and I am in good health too. She spacily acknowledges that it is true and is on to some other ramble.....I am convinced she does not know what she is doing anymore. She is old and I believe if I weren't around she could die on the floor and my siblings would just walk over her like they have done for many years.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: ewa beach hi
Posts: 13
If she were to die, be the one that covers her before stepping over her.... she is living in her own hell, you don't have to. Allow yourself to love yourself, let go of the shame that alcoholics have laid on you and live.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: OK
Posts: 3
Just end it. I finally told my grandmother that I'm not going to see or speak to my father until/(or if) he is "recovered". It felt good. It was like some sort of closure.
She wants to continue to baby my father. In her mind, nothing he has done has been his fault (i.e. - his drinking was caused by my mother, step mother, ect. ect.). So, I wrote to her, explained to her that everything that he has done was his fault. I told her that his actions have caused me to be mentally scarred and it was time to take care of myself for once.
She wants to continue to baby my father. In her mind, nothing he has done has been his fault (i.e. - his drinking was caused by my mother, step mother, ect. ect.). So, I wrote to her, explained to her that everything that he has done was his fault. I told her that his actions have caused me to be mentally scarred and it was time to take care of myself for once.
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