armartin

when its time to move on? I know I've posted about staying vs. moving out, etc.... but then my mind wanders to later on... once the dust settles from moving out. How do I know if its working it out or not?

I'm paralyzed with fear... stuck in this place of nothingness because I don't know what to do.

I've talked to my counselor about it, she says that I've done all I could. But then he says, well no I'm going to be different, I'm changing, I won't do that again. IF I do that again, I will sign divorce papers and it will be over.

Then I think to myself, well I can easily push your buttons so you'll relapse and then it'll all be over... clearly, those aren't thoughts coming from someone who wants to hold out hope for her marriage to succeed.

Is it wrong for me to want to start over, to become strong on my own, and someday find someone who will love me whole, without breaking me apart time after time first?

jjj111

Are you still living with him? I think it's going to be really hard to come to any clarity until you've had a long period of no contact. It took me several months of separation from my last AXBF before I could find the emotional equilibrium to see how unacceptable his behavior had become. It sounds like you are lost in a FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt. And that makes sense--his behavior has been truly scary. Your post about the gun incident gave me cold chills just reading it. I can't imagine what it was like to live through it, and what it must be like to be living with him still. You might just have to trust people who can give you an objective opinion--your counselor, the CPS lady, all of us here when we say that this is a bad situation and you and your children deserve not to live in fear.

SparkleKitty

It is not wrong, it is natural, and you deserve it.

dandylion

armartain.....it is natural to want to be out of what you are living in....

I have found it helpful...when paralyzed by fear....to break it into tiny component parts.
You can begin by l isting your top three, four or five fears...in order of severity....
then...begin to tackle each fear with baby steps...
This keeps the fear from feeling so overwhelming......

Are you able to verbalize any of your fears....specifically...?

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

Do you trust and respect him?

Praying

This is huge. Do you? For me that was a key question.

I recognized that I'd always believe in his promises to change... because as someone here has posted... "hope clouds observation"... so ultimately deciding that I needed space while he decided who he'd like to be was the best thing...

IMO he can become everything he's promising while you're living apart...and you can decide if you'd like to come back together. If the promises are real and sustainable, they'll show themselves.

Liveitwell

^ that. Exactly that!

Hawkeye13

IF he does "that" again, it could be far worse.
You can't control or predict it and for sure he can't.

Liveitwell

Friend-do you know how many times my husband swore to God, everything else that he wouldn't do ( insert abusive deplorable scary action) again?!? I had ten years of promises-but the only thing that didn't change was him continuing and each time it got worse-and the only thing that DID change was ME. My hope clouded my judgment and put my kids and I in very scary unsafe situations with a very abusive angry drunkard. I was consumed by FOG and my husband was an expert at makkng me feel horrible about myself and isolating me by telling me everyone hated me bc I was crazy. But, I just finally said NO - I'm worth more than your abuse-my children will not be raised by the person you've turned into-and do not regret it for one second. I'll be blunt-because I've lived it and others have told me what I needed to hear-the kind of help your husband needs is way beyond the 30 day rehab special-he needs years of intense therapy to get to the root of his entitlement and abuse. Btdt. I know you're struggling but please re read your old threads. They are scary and no woman, or kids, should ever live like that. Praying for you.

Bekindalways

Amartin,

It is absolutely not wrong for you "to want to start over, to become strong on my own, and someday find someone who will love me whole, without breaking me apart time after time first?"

I love that in this statement you talk about improving yourself without blaming him (although he sounds like a mess.)

I pretty much got out within a month of him telling me he was doing meth. It wasn't just the drug but almost more so, his promise to "never do it again" and not have any kind of plan to stop. This is classic addict-speak. My situation was very simple though as we were not married, had no kids and weren't even living together. In spite of the simplicity, it was brutally hard to do.

May all the Angels of heaven bombard you with grace at this difficult time!

armartin

I have done A LOT of reading lately. I know that his issues are his, mine are mine. I didn't cause his issues and I'm not the one to solve them either. And it feels GOOD finally knowing and trusting that truth!!!

Do I trust him? No... I still think at some point and time he will fall back into the anger explosions.

Do I respect him? Well, I don't hate him. I guess I hate the things that he did to me and our children. But as a person, I see a very messed up lost soul who has no clue what to do. But on the other hand, I know that it is not my job to try to save that sinking ship. He needs to figure out his bearings and save himself.

FOG is exactly right. I'm scared.... scared of being alone, scared of moving the kids around, scared of raising them in two households, scared of not having enough money, and mostly scared of how AH will react and how my future will be with him.... I would say that is my biggest fear. So I am doing things to get myself ready to deal with that. Putting away funds, going through our things to keep only the most important things as I know we will be living in a much smaller place for probably a good amount of time, mentally preparing myself.

He hasn't drank since Thanksgiving. Kudos to him. But we all know that anger and addiction is still there, he is just doing his BEST to keep it at bay right now.

armartin

Also thank you all for such great words of wisdom. <3 I know when I am feeling weak or confused or "Off" I can always come here to get some good advice to get me back on track.

firebolt

If you are scared of how he will react, then I assure you that fear is very, very far from respect.

Also, if anger and addiction are still present, your future there will be no different than your past there.

I'm sorry, dear this is hard. Good for you for getting your things in order and preparing.

This (from the Language of Letting Go)..

I read it so many times when I was in that paralyzed state, and it got me through, til I was ready.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ning-wait.html

armartin

I will keep reading that! its perfect.

armartin

His latest reply.... if you can't give me a chance after a month, then I'm done and we won't be friends sorry.

I said well its your choice to decide that, you are allowed to make your own decisions.

jjj111

It seems to me that your fear of him is coming across in these attempts to negotiate with him and get his approval for your plans. Please, don't go to the hardware store looking for bread. He isn't going to approve of you breaking away. He will cycle through fear, obligation, and guilt endlessly in order to manipulate you. Any change is going to come from you making up your mind, taking action, and reaching out for support from people who can actually provide it--DV advocate, CPS lady, counselor, and us here. Given his history, I think it would be dangerous to even tell him you are making a plan to leave.

Yoga

No, if that's what you want.

Liveitwell

Hun, he's an abuser. He's more dependent on you than you are on him. Him saying what he did is a threat...that's all-he's trying to scare you (and really, do you want to be friends with him?!). My ex tried to force me into making decisions and threatened me as well. He is an addict and can be a monster-I don't expect him to agree with anything I say or do-not do I care! I do what's best for my children-he's on his own.
Please realize that with his history this could get MUCH worse-I've lived it and been through it-my ex still stalks almost a year later (which is why I carry a gun). Please keep your plans to yourself-when leaving an abuser it's imperative to keep them secret. Peace to you !

Hawkeye13

There's your proof nothing has really changed.
He's still trying to bully and manipulate you.

A month is nothing in terms of sober-time.
I could do that easily between binges.

He's full of crap and the silver lining is you see it clearly,
and not just because he is making it so obvious but because you are growing.