Caught spouse buying coke. I'm 22 weeks pregnant.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 2
Caught spouse buying coke. I'm 22 weeks pregnant.
weeks pregnant!
My husband and I married less than a year ago. I'm 22 weeks pregnant. He's been acting lazy, immature, angry, irritable and not helping with my pregnancy at all. There have been signs that had me worried. One being he's very secretive with his laptop and phone. I had a chance to look at his browser history for a second on Christmas and he was on craigslist for women. Yesterday I got access to his phone quick and found another email account he had..huge thread of him finding someone on CL to buy coke from. Details were where they were meeting..hotel or our home..what his car looked like etc. My heart dropped. I didn't have a chance to see anything else. He was addict prior to us meeting, for over 10 years. Allegedly clean two years before we married. I'm so worried and unsure what to do. I've never done drugs. I moved across country with him away from my family this year. When confronted he told me who get women on CL I only would use that for drug. Says he goes there for amusement! He said he bought the coke but didn't use and threw it out! Although he locked himself in the bedroom for 4 days and me out. Can I believe this? I'm so scared for my son : ( he's in IT for a job (also works from home all day while I'm at work) so if he's lying I know he'll hide things more and blames me for looking at his stuff. I never wanted to but needed to follow my gut and protect myself and most importantly our child. Also blamed me for buying coke because I recently expressed I can't stay if he continues to mentally abuse me. Said his weakness was MY fault. Any advice is appreciated.
My husband and I married less than a year ago. I'm 22 weeks pregnant. He's been acting lazy, immature, angry, irritable and not helping with my pregnancy at all. There have been signs that had me worried. One being he's very secretive with his laptop and phone. I had a chance to look at his browser history for a second on Christmas and he was on craigslist for women. Yesterday I got access to his phone quick and found another email account he had..huge thread of him finding someone on CL to buy coke from. Details were where they were meeting..hotel or our home..what his car looked like etc. My heart dropped. I didn't have a chance to see anything else. He was addict prior to us meeting, for over 10 years. Allegedly clean two years before we married. I'm so worried and unsure what to do. I've never done drugs. I moved across country with him away from my family this year. When confronted he told me who get women on CL I only would use that for drug. Says he goes there for amusement! He said he bought the coke but didn't use and threw it out! Although he locked himself in the bedroom for 4 days and me out. Can I believe this? I'm so scared for my son : ( he's in IT for a job (also works from home all day while I'm at work) so if he's lying I know he'll hide things more and blames me for looking at his stuff. I never wanted to but needed to follow my gut and protect myself and most importantly our child. Also blamed me for buying coke because I recently expressed I can't stay if he continues to mentally abuse me. Said his weakness was MY fault. Any advice is appreciated.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
So very sorry, that this has been unveiled as your pregnant. It should be a joyous time in your life.
Please read the stickys "what addicts do." They lie (very well). They manipulate. They turn it on you (gas-lighting). This is common and nothing knew. If they are using, then they are lying.
The thing with cocaine and meth (stimulants) it often puts their sex drives in overdrive. They will do things that they may not otherwise do. It's very likely that the women on CL aren't for just looking.
If you choose to stay, have a backup plan. Save some money in a separate account; get an counselor; attend a support group; learn about codependency.
The addict lifestyle is no picnic for the addict or the family.
Please read the stickys "what addicts do." They lie (very well). They manipulate. They turn it on you (gas-lighting). This is common and nothing knew. If they are using, then they are lying.
The thing with cocaine and meth (stimulants) it often puts their sex drives in overdrive. They will do things that they may not otherwise do. It's very likely that the women on CL aren't for just looking.
If you choose to stay, have a backup plan. Save some money in a separate account; get an counselor; attend a support group; learn about codependency.
The addict lifestyle is no picnic for the addict or the family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oh sweetie, i'm so glad you found SR but so very sorry that you HAD to.
you are right to suspect EVERYTHING and you are right that he IS using, has used and is being abusive towards you.
you have new life inside you and absolutely must take every precaution. that is your priority. i know you said you traveled away from your family to be with HIM......have you considered going home? there is no shame in doing the RIGHT thing.
you are right to suspect EVERYTHING and you are right that he IS using, has used and is being abusive towards you.
you have new life inside you and absolutely must take every precaution. that is your priority. i know you said you traveled away from your family to be with HIM......have you considered going home? there is no shame in doing the RIGHT thing.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Holiday...
Welcome to the Board. I'm grateful that Anna moved your post over to our little corner of SR.
In situations such as yours, the only concerns should be your health and the health of your baby. Based on that, you're within your rights to do what is necessary to ensure your health and the baby's. Addicts do not make responsible parents, Holiday. Bear that in mind.
Please, be safe. We're here for you.
Welcome to the Board. I'm grateful that Anna moved your post over to our little corner of SR.
In situations such as yours, the only concerns should be your health and the health of your baby. Based on that, you're within your rights to do what is necessary to ensure your health and the baby's. Addicts do not make responsible parents, Holiday. Bear that in mind.
Please, be safe. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 39
This is already an overwhelming emotional time, pregnancy. Having moved away from your family. My heart goes out to you. Is there anyway to separate? Go back to be with/near your parents, to have support while preg and when baby comes? The baby feels all emotions and goes into the development, this is of utmost important time to be healthy. I hope you're able to be strong and not let him manipulate you. His using IS NOT your fault! Get safe!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
My heart goes out to you...do you have family and/or friends or co-workers for support right now? Does he want the baby? I will assume he does. What you've posted sounds highly suspicious and you've a right to be upset. Please take care of yourself and little one first and foremost. You've already confronted him, right? Does he abuse you and are you physically safe. I don't know what I would do in your shoes....
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 89
So sorry for you. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU AND BABY. This is not your fault. You do not deserve this treatment. Keep in mind- most of what comes out of his mouth will be lies, and from my expirrence will be mean. Dont allow him to run over you anymore. Please stay safe. Praying for you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 2
He is very mean to me. He's been saying anything to detract from talking about the situation which is leaving me lonely, scared and sad. I know if I talk to my family or friends they will want me to leave him immediately. I was trying to be supportive but he's nasty to me. He keeps telling me he did this because of me. On top it before we married last year he bought lingerie for some drug dealer! Once again talks like it's no big deal was just buying her a "gift" in case he needed to buy from her in the future. What!? I feel tricked I never would have married him if I knew this stuff. I think at this point I need to save the baby and myself from future pain. I won't be able to trust him ever.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Holiday13 
He is very mean to me. He's been saying anything to detract from talking about the situation which is leaving me lonely, scared and sad. I know if I talk to my family or friends they will want me to leave him immediately. I was trying to be supportive but he's nasty to me. He keeps telling me he did this because of me. On top it before we married last year he bought lingerie for some drug dealer! Once again talks like it's no big deal was just buying her a "gift" in case he needed to buy from her in the future. What!? I feel tricked I never would have married him if I knew this stuff. I think at this point I need to save the baby and myself from future pain. I won't be able to trust him ever.
I think you know deep down that you can't bring a child into the world under these circumstances. You don't need permission to do what's best for you and the baby. We've got your back. Do what you need to do.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR Holiday13,
These articles by Dr. Garrett are among my favorites. They really helped me see how typical my husband was when it came to addictive behaviors. That taught me a lot and freed me from falling into quite a bit of the usual manipulations and blaming.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Take care of you and your health for that little one. Do whatever makes that easiest and safest. Peace!
These articles by Dr. Garrett are among my favorites. They really helped me see how typical my husband was when it came to addictive behaviors. That taught me a lot and freed me from falling into quite a bit of the usual manipulations and blaming.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Take care of you and your health for that little one. Do whatever makes that easiest and safest. Peace!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Ah Holiday such a really rough situation! I am so very sorry that you are going through this.
Unfortunately, unless he gets sober someday, you are basically in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill. He will continue to blame you, be unreasonable, and abusive. Some of these folks do get sober and recover but many don't.
As hard as it is, the best thing for you, your child and even your husband, is to figure out how to take care of yourself, set boundaries, and detach from all of his actions and words. For many of us this meant leaving and ending all contact with the addict.
Please read everything you can about being in a relationship with an addict and keep posting here. All of us, in this corner of SR, have been through some form of what you are going through.
Unfortunately, unless he gets sober someday, you are basically in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill. He will continue to blame you, be unreasonable, and abusive. Some of these folks do get sober and recover but many don't.
As hard as it is, the best thing for you, your child and even your husband, is to figure out how to take care of yourself, set boundaries, and detach from all of his actions and words. For many of us this meant leaving and ending all contact with the addict.
Please read everything you can about being in a relationship with an addict and keep posting here. All of us, in this corner of SR, have been through some form of what you are going through.
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