One month on and dry drunk rage is mounting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
One month on and dry drunk rage is mounting
I've just completed a full month dry including Christmas and new year. Before that I drank five pints of beer one night and I did most nights last year sober.
Thing is, I'm feeling a lot of rage and I am struggling with it. It seems like it's surpressed anger. It's nearly always triggered by seeing people smoke or worse smelling smoke. I used to be a heavy smoker but I quit in 2014.
Last night I was at the bus stop with my wife and a woman lit up right up in front of me. I said (exact words) Excuse me I don't want you to smoke in front of me. The woman kicked off, my wife screamed at me and I shouted back at them both (although I didn't use swear words or nasty language, I did speak sharply).
The result was that my wife got really angry with me. This morning she told me she thinks I looked like a dry drunk and although she said she's pleased I'm doing well with the alcohol, she said the spiritual programme doesn't seem to be working with tobacco.
I know what she means. It's like a TOTAL obsession around this. I cannot bear to see smokers and when I do see them it prevents me from thinking about anything else around me.
By way of background, I go to AA at least twice a week and I've been working the steps but I don't know what to do about this obsession. It seems to me AA is a ghastly place to raise the issue of smoking because it's full of heavy smokers who go on about how great "recovery" is because they stopped drinking even though they still smoke.
Having said this, most of the time I've used AA and SR to tackle emotional setbacks in a constructive way.
Thing is, I'm feeling a lot of rage and I am struggling with it. It seems like it's surpressed anger. It's nearly always triggered by seeing people smoke or worse smelling smoke. I used to be a heavy smoker but I quit in 2014.
Last night I was at the bus stop with my wife and a woman lit up right up in front of me. I said (exact words) Excuse me I don't want you to smoke in front of me. The woman kicked off, my wife screamed at me and I shouted back at them both (although I didn't use swear words or nasty language, I did speak sharply).
The result was that my wife got really angry with me. This morning she told me she thinks I looked like a dry drunk and although she said she's pleased I'm doing well with the alcohol, she said the spiritual programme doesn't seem to be working with tobacco.
I know what she means. It's like a TOTAL obsession around this. I cannot bear to see smokers and when I do see them it prevents me from thinking about anything else around me.
By way of background, I go to AA at least twice a week and I've been working the steps but I don't know what to do about this obsession. It seems to me AA is a ghastly place to raise the issue of smoking because it's full of heavy smokers who go on about how great "recovery" is because they stopped drinking even though they still smoke.
Having said this, most of the time I've used AA and SR to tackle emotional setbacks in a constructive way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,540
I'm trying to stop smoking but do understand non-smokers for not wanting to have smokers smoke out their space and lungs. The effects of passive smoking are well documented and it stinks too. You might be angry in other areas, don't know, but I think you are right on this one. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Well, EndLessPatience, we might need to rename you!
If you are full of anger and rage over smoking, counseling or talking with your sponsor might give you some insight. Steely may have your answer: it could be related to something else. I'm not sure why comments such as that would entice your wife to scream at you.
Congrats on your success with alcohol. Seems like you're doing very well on that.
If you are full of anger and rage over smoking, counseling or talking with your sponsor might give you some insight. Steely may have your answer: it could be related to something else. I'm not sure why comments such as that would entice your wife to scream at you.
Congrats on your success with alcohol. Seems like you're doing very well on that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
1 Month is fantastic!! 
For me though I really needed to have a perspective and acceptance that it's alright for people to drink, in the same way smoking is a perfectly legal thing to do, my recovery is mine alone and what anyone else wants to do, they are entitled and free to do.
For me though I really needed to have a perspective and acceptance that it's alright for people to drink, in the same way smoking is a perfectly legal thing to do, my recovery is mine alone and what anyone else wants to do, they are entitled and free to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
You're quite right Endless Patience is an awful name to use for me in this regard.
I am wondering if it might be related to something else. I notice in the book Living Sober it says that there's a well researched link between anger and alcoholism.
When I control my anger and manage my drinking my life is pretty good. You know, I really am grateful to have got free of booze and fags but it seems like this is a lingering resentment that I haven't shaken off yet.
I am wondering if it might be related to something else. I notice in the book Living Sober it says that there's a well researched link between anger and alcoholism.
When I control my anger and manage my drinking my life is pretty good. You know, I really am grateful to have got free of booze and fags but it seems like this is a lingering resentment that I haven't shaken off yet.
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell and have them looking forward to the trip.
It's amazing where a little courtesy can take you. Issuing diktats to strangers at a bus stop will rarely, if ever, been seen as polite.
It's amazing where a little courtesy can take you. Issuing diktats to strangers at a bus stop will rarely, if ever, been seen as polite.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 378
Hi Endless,
I'm not sure what spiritual program are you in, so forgive me if my suggestion is out of place.
Have you tried praying on this issue? it seems to me you have a massive resentment towards smoking/smokers.
Maybe the most amazing thing I discovered in recovery was a resentment prayer - it's proven to be a TRUE miracle for me.
Just pray for the smokers using the resentment prayer. It might feel tough or fake or uncomofrtable the first couple times, but eventually your anger will go away.
I'm not sure what spiritual program are you in, so forgive me if my suggestion is out of place.
Have you tried praying on this issue? it seems to me you have a massive resentment towards smoking/smokers.
Maybe the most amazing thing I discovered in recovery was a resentment prayer - it's proven to be a TRUE miracle for me.
Just pray for the smokers using the resentment prayer. It might feel tough or fake or uncomofrtable the first couple times, but eventually your anger will go away.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 378
I just realized you are in fact in AA.
Here's what worked for me: (I hope it's ok to quote that)
If you have a resentment you want to be free of,
if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent,
you will be free.
If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them,
you will be free.
Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and
you will be free.
Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.
Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.
From an AA member's story, "Freedom from Bondage"
page 552 of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous
Here's what worked for me: (I hope it's ok to quote that)
If you have a resentment you want to be free of,
if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent,
you will be free.
If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them,
you will be free.
Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and
you will be free.
Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.
Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.
From an AA member's story, "Freedom from Bondage"
page 552 of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept my life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes
id suggest reading the bb starting bottom of pg 60 and do what it says.
you yourself say youve been dry for a full month.
do you want to be dry or sober?
id suggest reading the bb starting bottom of pg 60 and do what it says.
you yourself say youve been dry for a full month.
do you want to be dry or sober?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Northwest
Posts: 274
We have three little mottoes which are apropos. Here they are: First Things First. Live and Let Live. Easy Does It
I was always taught early on, focus on your own recovery do not be concerned what other people do that you may not like. Let them get on with it. My sponsor told me imagine a hoola-hoop around you, anything inside is your business, anything outside the hoop is none of your damn business.
I don't like many things but to get stressed about them would cause me to downfall, stress and anger helps no one. Please try to let it wash over you.
I was always taught early on, focus on your own recovery do not be concerned what other people do that you may not like. Let them get on with it. My sponsor told me imagine a hoola-hoop around you, anything inside is your business, anything outside the hoop is none of your damn business.
I don't like many things but to get stressed about them would cause me to downfall, stress and anger helps no one. Please try to let it wash over you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,697
Great post.
I had some anger, resentment, hostility and depression months 2-4. I quit drinking and smoking 6 months ago.
I haven't became a stickler on others smoking or drinking. I needed to put my mask on first. My plan was going down.
People and things drove me insane. I realized that I cant control if my neighbor is noisey/noisy, traffic always backed up, and the sh*t show life can be sometimes. I really like step 1 and the serenity prayer. Some many things drove me crazy trying to control them. I have very little control over anything.
I suggest you read Allan Carrs books easy way to quit smoking and control drinking. Great rationalizations. Keep up with AA and your sponsor. Your not missing anything good from the use of alcohol/tobacco. Keep up the good work!!
I had some anger, resentment, hostility and depression months 2-4. I quit drinking and smoking 6 months ago.
I haven't became a stickler on others smoking or drinking. I needed to put my mask on first. My plan was going down.
People and things drove me insane. I realized that I cant control if my neighbor is noisey/noisy, traffic always backed up, and the sh*t show life can be sometimes. I really like step 1 and the serenity prayer. Some many things drove me crazy trying to control them. I have very little control over anything.
I suggest you read Allan Carrs books easy way to quit smoking and control drinking. Great rationalizations. Keep up with AA and your sponsor. Your not missing anything good from the use of alcohol/tobacco. Keep up the good work!!
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