My husband met a girl in rehab
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My husband met a girl in rehab
Hello all! Really needing some advice and friends right now. I am 33 my husband is 35 and we have been married for 17 years. Blessed with two boys 16 and 13. January 2014, I found out that my husband was using Meth. First it was an occasional thing, then it was all the time.
He said he had been using for 2 years prior to me finding out. He does suffer from ADHD. November 2013 he went to the Dr to get rx for Adderall. He worked nights and it helped him stay awake and focus on his tasks at work so I thought. But then when he actually told me about that he was using Meth, found out that he was just trying to cover up the Meth with the Adderall which would explain the awakeness and running full speed ahead. And to cover up for random drug test at work.
Me being a Nurse, I advised him that Meth and Amphetimines are completely different. Anyway when I found out that he was using I being super nurse lol, that I would get him to quit. Well he said he quit and then months later found out that he was still using big time. So one night in October 2015, he was in a state of withdrawal and very agitated, I sat him down and asked him if he was ready to quit. So then he told me the truth of actually dealing and was in real deep. Started shooting and etc...I told him it was me and his family or Meth. He said yes handed me his phone and I called his boss and told him he needed to go to rehab ASAP.
Yes finally he was getting help! I was so excited for him and we did the process through his work and he had to get evaluated to see what kind of treatment he needed. The Dr's decided that outpatient therapy was what he needed. So he started Therapy Monday Wednesday and Friday. He was put on short term disability. He was doing great and every time he would go he was so excited of his progress. He was in that program for 6 weeks which I thought was a short time, but we went along with the plan. He then was told to go to AA or NA groups at least 2-3 times a week and he would see a counselor once a week. Everything was going ok until the counselor told him to take inventory of his life and forgive. Back 11 years ago I had an affair and was going to divorce him but then we got back together. I know this was a big thing I'm not trying to say that lightly. His counselor said that he had been punishing me for the 10 years ago affair and not forgave me. He was still doing counseling and going to celebrate recovery at a church twice a week.
So now to the really bad stuff... Christmas came and went and so did New Years and we went on a family vacation on New Years to the mountains and noticed he was being a little distant. We got back from our vacation and the next day he served me with divorce papers which completely floored me. So we talked about it and the next day he said that there was a girl involved.....He had met a 21 year old girl that was in the same treatment center as him that is being treated for bipolar. So he said he was done with me and to sign the divorce papers and they were going to start "dating". But he had already been dating him Since November 2015. They met 2 weeks after he started rehab.
***Also received settlement from Mesh claim Christmas 2015. So large amount of money was at hand.
So I moved out with our children and staying at another house of my parents and he has continued to see her. He called me last week and wanted to see me so I did and went out to and he said he was confused and loved me but loved her and I made the mistake of having sex with him...Blah blah
So now I sit alone one of the children are with him and the other at his girlfriends. I love him and told him I forgive him for what he has done. Why do I love him and want him to be here with me and to forget her? Why am I so dumb to not realized what was going on? I go threw ups and downs crying spells and really depressed.
Did I mention that our children knew about and met her 2 months ago and nobody told me?
Lonely and heart broken sorry for the long post but man that feels a little better.....FYI all finances are secure
He said he had been using for 2 years prior to me finding out. He does suffer from ADHD. November 2013 he went to the Dr to get rx for Adderall. He worked nights and it helped him stay awake and focus on his tasks at work so I thought. But then when he actually told me about that he was using Meth, found out that he was just trying to cover up the Meth with the Adderall which would explain the awakeness and running full speed ahead. And to cover up for random drug test at work.
Me being a Nurse, I advised him that Meth and Amphetimines are completely different. Anyway when I found out that he was using I being super nurse lol, that I would get him to quit. Well he said he quit and then months later found out that he was still using big time. So one night in October 2015, he was in a state of withdrawal and very agitated, I sat him down and asked him if he was ready to quit. So then he told me the truth of actually dealing and was in real deep. Started shooting and etc...I told him it was me and his family or Meth. He said yes handed me his phone and I called his boss and told him he needed to go to rehab ASAP.
Yes finally he was getting help! I was so excited for him and we did the process through his work and he had to get evaluated to see what kind of treatment he needed. The Dr's decided that outpatient therapy was what he needed. So he started Therapy Monday Wednesday and Friday. He was put on short term disability. He was doing great and every time he would go he was so excited of his progress. He was in that program for 6 weeks which I thought was a short time, but we went along with the plan. He then was told to go to AA or NA groups at least 2-3 times a week and he would see a counselor once a week. Everything was going ok until the counselor told him to take inventory of his life and forgive. Back 11 years ago I had an affair and was going to divorce him but then we got back together. I know this was a big thing I'm not trying to say that lightly. His counselor said that he had been punishing me for the 10 years ago affair and not forgave me. He was still doing counseling and going to celebrate recovery at a church twice a week.
So now to the really bad stuff... Christmas came and went and so did New Years and we went on a family vacation on New Years to the mountains and noticed he was being a little distant. We got back from our vacation and the next day he served me with divorce papers which completely floored me. So we talked about it and the next day he said that there was a girl involved.....He had met a 21 year old girl that was in the same treatment center as him that is being treated for bipolar. So he said he was done with me and to sign the divorce papers and they were going to start "dating". But he had already been dating him Since November 2015. They met 2 weeks after he started rehab.
***Also received settlement from Mesh claim Christmas 2015. So large amount of money was at hand.
So I moved out with our children and staying at another house of my parents and he has continued to see her. He called me last week and wanted to see me so I did and went out to and he said he was confused and loved me but loved her and I made the mistake of having sex with him...Blah blah
So now I sit alone one of the children are with him and the other at his girlfriends. I love him and told him I forgive him for what he has done. Why do I love him and want him to be here with me and to forget her? Why am I so dumb to not realized what was going on? I go threw ups and downs crying spells and really depressed.
Did I mention that our children knew about and met her 2 months ago and nobody told me?
Lonely and heart broken sorry for the long post but man that feels a little better.....FYI all finances are secure
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: McLean VA
Posts: 93
So sorry you are going through all this. Read as much as you can here - Especially the sticky notes at the top - check out Friends and Family of Substance Users too. That forum has been around much longer and has a lot more posts and "traffic".
I can't speak of husbands - only siblings - my brother has been using crack for 10+ years. My parents are still largely in denial - despite PAYING for rehab - inpatient and out. Go figure. As you'll read here " Jump on the crazy train!" Me? I'm jumping off!
Hugs and prayers to you!
I can't speak of husbands - only siblings - my brother has been using crack for 10+ years. My parents are still largely in denial - despite PAYING for rehab - inpatient and out. Go figure. As you'll read here " Jump on the crazy train!" Me? I'm jumping off!
Hugs and prayers to you!
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
Drug abuse compounded by heartbreak ... that's awful. I wish I had more than sympathy to offer.
Were I in your shoes I would limit my contacts, and certainly avoid any sort of intimacy. Addicts are often good manipulators and I think that might be going on here.
Were I in your shoes I would limit my contacts, and certainly avoid any sort of intimacy. Addicts are often good manipulators and I think that might be going on here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR Dillibrae,
I'm sorry your H decided to go the route he did. Affairs and addiction on their own kill a fair amount of marriages. Yours has suffered both. I found a counselor was a great resource to focus on my thoughts and issues. An objective counselor can help you work through your feelings and make decisions as things continue to unfold.
I wouldn't get too hung up on the meeting with break up sex you recently had with him. If you really search on here, it happens a lot!
Your finances are secure and that is a very rare situation!
I'm sorry your H decided to go the route he did. Affairs and addiction on their own kill a fair amount of marriages. Yours has suffered both. I found a counselor was a great resource to focus on my thoughts and issues. An objective counselor can help you work through your feelings and make decisions as things continue to unfold.
I wouldn't get too hung up on the meeting with break up sex you recently had with him. If you really search on here, it happens a lot!
Your finances are secure and that is a very rare situation!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. Sadly, stories like yours are seen all too often here at FFSA. I'd like to offer a little perspective on what's really going on here.
If this wasn't so heartbreaking, it would be hilarious. Why? Because of the complete and utter lack of boundaries. Addicts have poor boundaries to begin with, and when they meet someone in a hospital/rehab, an intense relationship is formed right out of the gate...only there's no ground under their feet. The fact he's 35 and she's 21 and Bipolar is a recipe for disaster.
Well, you're not the first person to have a moment of weakness like that. Nor will you be the last. When newcomers join us, I typically abstain from offering relationship advice. The exception, however, is when there is infidelity AND children involved. He's not confused at all. He's an addict, and addicts want what they want when they want it. If he's willing to blow his family up to be with a 21 year old girl, there should be a price to pay.
If you do a search for stories like yours here at SR, you'll find plenty of similar stories. I encourage you to look for them and see how other people dealt with a similar betrayal. You can get through this, but you have to be smart.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
He had met a 21 year old girl that was in the same treatment center as him that is being treated for bipolar. So he said he was done with me and to sign the divorce papers and they were going to start "dating". But he had already been dating him Since November 2015. They met 2 weeks after he started rehab.
He called me last week and wanted to see me so I did and went out to and he said he was confused and loved me but loved her and I made the mistake of having sex with him...Blah blah
If you do a search for stories like yours here at SR, you'll find plenty of similar stories. I encourage you to look for them and see how other people dealt with a similar betrayal. You can get through this, but you have to be smart.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Remembering the heart to heart talk I had with myself when 47 year old XA decided a 21 year old little bar fly was just what he needed in his life. I was so over the top pissed off, I was feeling so betrayed, and for a minute I wanted to do everything in my power to undo the whole situation......... Well that simply cannot happen.
But what can and did happen was I could raise the bar for myself and not allow anymore unacceptable crapola to rule my life. All any of us can do in situations like this is take control of our own lives and leave others to their own devices.
Everyone one has deal breaking point? What is yours? Do you really think you can just sweep this under the rug and get back to everyday life? He is an addict, remove the 21 year old, and guess what ? He still is an addict.
Trust me, she will be dumping his sorry ass before you know it, and he will be begging you for another chance. Now here is the thing. the best predictor of future behavior, past behavior. and if nothing changes, you will be reliving this nightmare over and over.
My greatest wish for you is for you to concentrate on you and your kids. If he truly wants recovery, he will have to go and find that on his own, there is nothing more you or anyone else can do for him.
Keep venting it helps
But what can and did happen was I could raise the bar for myself and not allow anymore unacceptable crapola to rule my life. All any of us can do in situations like this is take control of our own lives and leave others to their own devices.
Everyone one has deal breaking point? What is yours? Do you really think you can just sweep this under the rug and get back to everyday life? He is an addict, remove the 21 year old, and guess what ? He still is an addict.
Trust me, she will be dumping his sorry ass before you know it, and he will be begging you for another chance. Now here is the thing. the best predictor of future behavior, past behavior. and if nothing changes, you will be reliving this nightmare over and over.
My greatest wish for you is for you to concentrate on you and your kids. If he truly wants recovery, he will have to go and find that on his own, there is nothing more you or anyone else can do for him.
Keep venting it helps
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hi Dilli, I'm so glad you found us and am so very sorry for the events that brought you here!
If you haven't already, start reading about relationships with addicts. The stickies on this forum are a good place to start.
My XABF was a meth user. He went all the way to shooting up. I chose to leave him within a month of finding out about the meth; however, we were not married nor had kids so it made it a fairly simple albeit painful choice. He wound up going to jail for 3 years for armed robbery and dealing. Going to jail saved his life. He has been sober for over 20 years now but I think he is a very rare case.
If you haven't already, start reading about relationships with addicts. The stickies on this forum are a good place to start.
My XABF was a meth user. He went all the way to shooting up. I chose to leave him within a month of finding out about the meth; however, we were not married nor had kids so it made it a fairly simple albeit painful choice. He wound up going to jail for 3 years for armed robbery and dealing. Going to jail saved his life. He has been sober for over 20 years now but I think he is a very rare case.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 28
remember that addiction is a family disease. it does not just harm the individual user, but also everyone around them.
so sorry about your children not telling you, i would suspect that they were manipulated by him into not telling.....the user in my life controlled me in a million different ways.....
i heard a lot about "he" how do you feel about all this? i have the same problem dealing with the girl i lost to heroin.
we get so lost in their problems that we forget where we stand. hope your family takes care.
so sorry about your children not telling you, i would suspect that they were manipulated by him into not telling.....the user in my life controlled me in a million different ways.....
i heard a lot about "he" how do you feel about all this? i have the same problem dealing with the girl i lost to heroin.
we get so lost in their problems that we forget where we stand. hope your family takes care.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
The thing I've noticed about addicts/alkies over the years is they frequently tend to hang together, some say because it's validates their same detrimental behavior. Along with networking for their 'lifestyle'.
Also, many alkies/addicts have those thoughts with them 24/7 with the substances lowering impulse control to act on those urges. A sober person could work through difficulties much easier or at least have a much more civil separation.
...met a girl in rehab...
Aren't serious relationships frowned upon in rehab. For things to move this quickly sounds like the rehab facility missed or over looked something. Then again as pointed out addicts are good manipulators and also good at putting on a show, running a con.
Worry about your kids and self for now, not the marriage/husband.
I've know of several people involving addicts/alkies and where the kids were ignored and it doesn't end well. Sometimes fatally from similar behavior.
Good Luck, at least you are thinking this through.
Peace
Also, many alkies/addicts have those thoughts with them 24/7 with the substances lowering impulse control to act on those urges. A sober person could work through difficulties much easier or at least have a much more civil separation.
...met a girl in rehab...
Aren't serious relationships frowned upon in rehab. For things to move this quickly sounds like the rehab facility missed or over looked something. Then again as pointed out addicts are good manipulators and also good at putting on a show, running a con.
Worry about your kids and self for now, not the marriage/husband.
I've know of several people involving addicts/alkies and where the kids were ignored and it doesn't end well. Sometimes fatally from similar behavior.
Good Luck, at least you are thinking this through.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Here's a new 'take' on new relationships and affairs of addicts:
I remember when my sister was trying to get away from her addict husband...he was addicted to several substances, including alcohol. Anyways she didn't have a ton of resources and he was like SCARY...ended up pulling a knife on her one night and threatened to kill her and the kids and then himself. She managed to get away and he stayed away partly because he had gotten into a new relationship. She was soooo desperate to be free of him she actually welcomed that new relationship because she felt it was the only way he would leave her alone...So thankful she got out it alive! I was worried sick about her and the night when everything blew up like that I just knew something was wrong that night even though she lived 3 hours away and hadn't talked to her that day or night. I couldn't sleep very well ; it was heavy on my mind, and then when I did go to sleep I had a bad dream about her and her ex having an ugly fight...next morning got a call from my dad telling me what all happened. And I was like, "Oh my gosh, I dreamt about that last night!" Anyway, I am pretty sure the new relationship peetered out as many of them do....
Addicts tend to need enablers in their life. They do have a conscience telling them that their addiction is wrong and they need to overcome it. But, it's hard, it's tough and they feel ashamed. Connecting with other addicts and getting encouragement is fine, but to actually get 'involved' with someone else likely DIVERTS them from working on their own issues as they then are somewhat DISTRACTED by the other person as well as the other person's issues.. It's like another way of 'running from their problems'.
It would be sad if their rehab time and investment is wasteful. And, this is truly a wake-up call for you about the true nature of your husband. It likely hurts right now, even though you know the reason behind it.
Addicts tend to be impatient. They want their 'fix' now and don't want to wait it out...he doesn't want to go it alone...but that would be the best thing for him. If I were the one making the rules and working in a rehab setting, I would say zero tolerance policy for forming romantic or intimate relationships during rehab.
I remember when my sister was trying to get away from her addict husband...he was addicted to several substances, including alcohol. Anyways she didn't have a ton of resources and he was like SCARY...ended up pulling a knife on her one night and threatened to kill her and the kids and then himself. She managed to get away and he stayed away partly because he had gotten into a new relationship. She was soooo desperate to be free of him she actually welcomed that new relationship because she felt it was the only way he would leave her alone...So thankful she got out it alive! I was worried sick about her and the night when everything blew up like that I just knew something was wrong that night even though she lived 3 hours away and hadn't talked to her that day or night. I couldn't sleep very well ; it was heavy on my mind, and then when I did go to sleep I had a bad dream about her and her ex having an ugly fight...next morning got a call from my dad telling me what all happened. And I was like, "Oh my gosh, I dreamt about that last night!" Anyway, I am pretty sure the new relationship peetered out as many of them do....
Addicts tend to need enablers in their life. They do have a conscience telling them that their addiction is wrong and they need to overcome it. But, it's hard, it's tough and they feel ashamed. Connecting with other addicts and getting encouragement is fine, but to actually get 'involved' with someone else likely DIVERTS them from working on their own issues as they then are somewhat DISTRACTED by the other person as well as the other person's issues.. It's like another way of 'running from their problems'.
It would be sad if their rehab time and investment is wasteful. And, this is truly a wake-up call for you about the true nature of your husband. It likely hurts right now, even though you know the reason behind it.
Addicts tend to be impatient. They want their 'fix' now and don't want to wait it out...he doesn't want to go it alone...but that would be the best thing for him. If I were the one making the rules and working in a rehab setting, I would say zero tolerance policy for forming romantic or intimate relationships during rehab.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Meth is one of the worst drugs from what Ive heard. Changes the brain function and the thinking. Apart from his issues, it all must come as a shock to you. Id be reeling for a while if it were me. Mixed feelings, and any other woman being involved would hurt at a different level. Give yourseld some time and if it doesnt sort out, possibly consider a therapist to help you answer some of the questions about your own feelings.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
He's likely scared; scared to face life without meth; scared to do it alone, all on his own; scared to become the man and partner he should be to you. You new (young) girlfriend is a diversion and brings a certain amount of comfort at this time because he is likely being made to feel uncomfortable if he is at all working on his issues. While the young girl is getting similar thing from him and maybe looks up to him as someone older and wiser. Addicts, I think, for the most part do not WANT to feel uncomfortable...a big reason they start to use drugs in the first place...a way to cope with life on "comfortable" terms instead facing life without the drugs to lean on. The new relationship is sort of like a new substance and is in a way replacing his DOC:meth. He needs to grow a backbone and stand alone on this if he is ever going to become the partner you deserve.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this place today. I think we often try and blame the drug use for the cheating but as you realize, his choice to cheat was made while he was clean/sober.
Addicts are always chasing the next high whether it’s drugs/booze/cheating/shopping whatever at that moment brings them the high they seek.
Addiction is life long and rehab is not a cure, there is no cure. You have your own choices, you can give him another chance or you can forgive, let go and give yourself a better chance.
I think counseling can help you come to acceptance and help you work through all of the things driving you to not make healthy choices for yourself. It’s not a contest between you and her, it’s not a comparison of you vs her physically, emotionally or any other way.
Learn as much as you can about addiction and especially addict behaviors and the best advice is to limit contact with him, don’t stand on the sidelines waiting for him to make up his mind about rebuilding his life and family, this is about rebuilding you which may not include him.
When we have low self- esteem we accept unacceptable behavior, work with a professional to build up that self- esteem, empower yourself so that your future is your choice not the maybe or possible choice of someone who needs years and years of sobriety before he can make healthier choices for himself.
It's a real waste of time trying to figure out all his why's because it wont' do you any good and will only help excuse away bad behavior. BUT working on your own why's can only be a benefit for you.
Addicts are always chasing the next high whether it’s drugs/booze/cheating/shopping whatever at that moment brings them the high they seek.
Addiction is life long and rehab is not a cure, there is no cure. You have your own choices, you can give him another chance or you can forgive, let go and give yourself a better chance.
I think counseling can help you come to acceptance and help you work through all of the things driving you to not make healthy choices for yourself. It’s not a contest between you and her, it’s not a comparison of you vs her physically, emotionally or any other way.
Learn as much as you can about addiction and especially addict behaviors and the best advice is to limit contact with him, don’t stand on the sidelines waiting for him to make up his mind about rebuilding his life and family, this is about rebuilding you which may not include him.
When we have low self- esteem we accept unacceptable behavior, work with a professional to build up that self- esteem, empower yourself so that your future is your choice not the maybe or possible choice of someone who needs years and years of sobriety before he can make healthier choices for himself.
It's a real waste of time trying to figure out all his why's because it wont' do you any good and will only help excuse away bad behavior. BUT working on your own why's can only be a benefit for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I agree with atalose: Don't wait for him to get his act together and don't waste time trying figure him out. Concentrate on yourself and being an independently happy person with or without a significant other in your life. Put yourself and your needs first. You probably already know this and I don't want to insult your intelligence by saying: He cannot meet your needs right now and maybe never will be able to and that is painful to realize. Meth is one of the most if not the most destructive drugs there is. It's such a huge robber of peoples' health and sanity and that of the people around them and one of the hardest drugs to kick. You probably already know that too, so sorry if this is redundant.
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