SorroW22

So this weekend was our first visit. Yesterday I went with the kids and we saw him most of the day. It was the first time that I have seen him in about 3 1/2 weeks because before he got there he was not living in my house. We had a really nice visit and enjoyed ourselves. Today I came back by myself. By spending time alone with him I was able to see more of what I needed to see in him rather than yesterday because he was so focused on playing with the kids and spending time and enjoying them.
I will admit that when I saw him and hug him yesterday it was the first time in a very long time that I actually felt warmth and love.
After this weekend I am thinking that I need to re-create our distance. We have basically talked almost every night on the phone since he has been there. And then seeing each other this weekend almost feels like we are drifting back into our relationship. I guess you could say back into a comfortable place. I did tell him that I did not know when I would be back to visit.
So now I am back to being an emotional , confused , ball of nerves. I really really really need some guidance

ladyscribbler

I don't have any personal experience here, just sending a big hug to you and the kids. You're an amazing woman and mom to be dealing with such a full load of responsibility and also to have such caring in your heart.

findingme26

Hi Sorrow, I'm in a similar place to you right now. My partner has been in rehab for almost 2 weeks now and it's been such a relief to have a calm house for me and my kids! We've talked at least once every day and she came home for a couple of hours visit yesterday. The place is very close by and it's not a detox facility (that was already done with a week in inpatient just before Christmas), so they are more lenient with visits and stuff. I have been doing really well with boundaries and thinking that I don't want her to come back home right away after the 30 days is up, but seeing her yesterday really messed with my emotions more than I thought.

It's so easy to believe that smile and the words you want to hear isn't it? And when it's been so long since you've had a real hug, it makes you want to just melt into their arms and forgive it all. Well, maybe for a moment anyway.

I'm still staying strong in my convictions, but I cried last night for the first time in a while. Not the desperate, helpless crying that I did so much of in the past few months of active addiction, but pure sadness and missing her and the good parts of our relationship. I'm really glad that I have therapy and an Al-Anon meeting scheduled for tomorrow night!

If you feel yourself slipping back to patterns that aren't healthy for you, just go back and re-read your first few posts. It has helped me remember just how bad things have been these past few months, when my heart just wants to minimize the bad and only focus on the good. I know that minimizing her behaviors isn't helpful for me, and it definitely isn't healthy for my kids.

Stay strong, Sorrow!!

SorroW22

Wow! It's like you read my mind! Yes, this is getting harder. Can you detail more about you sticking to your boundaries?

LostinLove22

I have been to every visit, group, therapy etc...even though I'm pursuing my own self-help/recovery as a loved one, I fully recognize that my spouse needs support also during his major life changing for the better of his health which branches out to any/all relationships he has. So with that I choose to be his support while he's in treatment. If I don't partake, then he comes home to what an uneducated in a sense spouse, by me not attending any/all the treatment facility offers me as a spouse. There are still ups and downs at near the 4 week mark. Today's visit wasn't ideal at all, but every time is communication being challenged for the better of the future as old habits are learned to break, boundaries placed by all. Addiction is a family disease, and takes all partaking in the healing.

Glad your visits went well. No need to panic or rush into any decisions of any sort.

SorroW22

Lost- thanks so much for this. This really opened my eyes and helped. I did have a little resistance with family members about me going to visit 2 days in a row. But i knew i needed that time with him alone to be able to connect on a different level- a level with just us and not with the kids.
Looking back on our visit- we didnt communicate alot. We played tennis, visited, and most of the time the other guys were in and out or just dropping by to visit. So, maybe we should have done differently?

LostinLove22

Talking doesn't really take place much either during our time. Housemates allover, our kids if present like you said are getting entertained. Yesterday his mom was there also, so she took up most of the 'talking' opportunity. It's so nice to have someone basically going through the same timeframe as far as their spouse in treatment at same time just a few days shy. And who's beliefs are similar in our support of spouse. I'm grateful for you being on this forum Sorrow.

AnonWife

Sorro,

I peesonally think you did the right thing by going to visit. Having overcome an addiction myself I know what value family support can have . i am dealing with my husband on pills now and one thing Im thinking is maybe seeing him, having a nice visit but then coming home is scary? With my husband I think about how pis have changed him somewhat. His behaviors and mood. If you think the visit is making you worry because you dont want the old unhealthy parts of him or your relationship back, maybe its uncomfortable but can also help you firm up qhat you do want and need. I think for me this is how I would feel, mostly scared. But Id embrace learning and also whatever the rehab offers to help you work out issues before he leaves. Think of it as a resource?

findingme26

I do agree that taking part in visits and therapy and family programs is a good idea if you are sure that you want to continue the relationship when they get out. I think that more education is always helpful! If you are sure that giving things another shot is in your best interest then you do owe it to yourself and to the relationship to be educated and work on your side of the street.

But you don't owe your spouse anything that you aren't comfortable giving. I have been through rehab with my partner a couple of times now. I thought it was my job to be a support and handle everything for her. I've been to family groups, sat in on therapy, went to all the visits. I'm still being supportive this time around, but I'm focusing much more on healing myself and thinking about what I really want for my future, rather than putting all of my energies on her and her recovery. I can't control her recovery. And even more than that, I shouldn't control her recovery. Getting too involved and not letting her handle things for herself actually makes it worse.

I think that taking some time to yourself to decide if you even want to stay in the relationship, if the relationship is worth saving, is a legitimate and sometimes necessary path as well.

findingme26

I guess I'm just saying, try not to focus so much on what you "should" do and focus on what you actually WANT to do. If you want to visit and find it helpful, then go! If you feel uncomfortable and like you want to back it off and have space for a bit to process, then don't go. Us spouses of addicts tend to have a hard time doing for ourselves and are always taking care of everyone else. Take care of you first, Sorrow, and your life will straighten out one way or another.

SorroW22

Lost- i have the same thoughts as you! We are definetly crossing this mountain together

SorroW22

Thank u findingme. When you sd that about not taking over of their recovery- I actually told myself that this weekend. He was asking my opinion/ advice on something and I was tempted, as his wife and like ive always done in our marriage, to give him my opinion- but then I realized and told him that he needed to figure it out on his own. Surprisingly, he smiled and sd " yeah, your right. I do need to figure it out by myself ".

Bekindalways

FM, what you said here rings true for me as it took me a long time to figure out that both "destructive selflessness" and "constructive selfishness" exist. Even Jesus Christ, himself, occasionaly had just had it with the miracles, crowds and preaching and took off to pray by himself or sail across the sea of Galilee with his buddies.

My hats off to all of you as my situation with my XABF was simple, although it is still one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was clear I needed to GET OUT NOW and GO FAR FAR AWAY. If there had been a speck of hope, I probably would have stayed but there wasn't. You all have to walk a journey where not much is clear and can't be.