The dangers of pornopgraphy in marriage
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The dangers of pornopgraphy in marriage
Just offering a Christian perspective-take it or leave it 
The Dangers of Pornography in Marriage | MarriageToday
The Dangers of Pornography in Marriage | MarriageToday
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Thank you!
For the record I am absolutely against it and read the statistics of harm done by it.
Ted Bundy a normal every day guy on his death bed ( capital punishment) described to Dr. Dobson how he a decent human being became a serial rapist murderer because of porn.
There are many cases of this happening.
It is not to be taken lightly.
Will all men become rapists/ murderers ? No
Will some? Yes
Will all people who smoke get cancer ? No
Will some? Yes
And there are warnings about it!!
For the record I am absolutely against it and read the statistics of harm done by it.
Ted Bundy a normal every day guy on his death bed ( capital punishment) described to Dr. Dobson how he a decent human being became a serial rapist murderer because of porn.
There are many cases of this happening.
It is not to be taken lightly.
Will all men become rapists/ murderers ? No
Will some? Yes
Will all people who smoke get cancer ? No
Will some? Yes
And there are warnings about it!!
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Originally Posted by Bluehawaii 
Ted Bundy a normal every day guy on his death bed ( capital punishment) described to Dr. Dobson how he a decent human being became a serial rapist murderer because of porn.
There are many cases of this happening.
It is not to be taken lightly.
There are many cases of this happening.
It is not to be taken lightly.
Did the child become a sociopath because they killed the family pet, or did the child kill the family pet because they are a sociopath? Hint: even the mere idea of killing a family pet would traumatize a non-sociopath child.
Ted Bundy was a sociopath without question, and above all else sociopaths want people to pity them because it gives them the power of manipulation over their victims. Plain and simple. He was not capable of feeling guilt or remorse, and it was his own escalation of extreme behavior without consequence or guilt that made him the monster he became, not pornography. His own explanation was just a further part of the pity game for him of gaining power over others and making them do his dance.
Is pornography addiction real? Yes!
Does it cause its victims to lose the ability to truly connect with members of the opposite sex on an emotional level? Yes!
Does it cause people to objectify members of the opposite sex? Yes!
Does it cause young men to suffer anxiety and feelings of inadequacy by comparing their performance to what they see in porn? Yes!
Does it turn people into serial rapist murderers? No!
Correlation is not causation! That would be the same thing as me making the following argument:
"Most violent crimes that result in death involved the use or possession of a handgun. Therefore, owning a handgun makes you more likely to become a violent criminal."
Do you see the fallacy in this?
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Bluehawaii......I think that Thomas45 makes an important point: That correlation is not necessarily causation.....
Consider this: "Swallowing small mounts of saliva several times a day will end up killing you".
Seriously, Bluehawaii.....do you really think that your husband is on the road to becoming another "TedBundy" just because he viewed porn several years ago?
I am practicaly sitting on my own hands to resist jumping into the brewing debate on pornography. I don't want to see this thread veer off onto a side topic to the point that it may get shut down. There are pleanty of websites that are devoted to the discussion....as well as scientific artiticles that explore all kinds of aspects of human sexuality.....
All good places for those who feel strongly on the subject to join such discussions.....
Bluehawaii...what I am trying to say to you is this: I fear that you may become distracted from the primary reason for your coming to this forum in the first place.....having to do with your unhappiness in your marriage to RAH and the problems with your troubled (and addicted) daughter.....
While you may not like or approve of porn....I hate to see you make that the Red Herring to the exclusion of the more immediate niduses of your situation.....
You see...this is the kind of discussion (debates on pornography) are so very divicive.....
You may not get the help you need from this forum because of it......
How are th ings going in your household, this weekend..?
What things are you trying to do for your self, right now....?
dandylion
Consider this: "Swallowing small mounts of saliva several times a day will end up killing you".
Seriously, Bluehawaii.....do you really think that your husband is on the road to becoming another "TedBundy" just because he viewed porn several years ago?
I am practicaly sitting on my own hands to resist jumping into the brewing debate on pornography. I don't want to see this thread veer off onto a side topic to the point that it may get shut down. There are pleanty of websites that are devoted to the discussion....as well as scientific artiticles that explore all kinds of aspects of human sexuality.....
All good places for those who feel strongly on the subject to join such discussions.....
Bluehawaii...what I am trying to say to you is this: I fear that you may become distracted from the primary reason for your coming to this forum in the first place.....having to do with your unhappiness in your marriage to RAH and the problems with your troubled (and addicted) daughter.....
While you may not like or approve of porn....I hate to see you make that the Red Herring to the exclusion of the more immediate niduses of your situation.....
You see...this is the kind of discussion (debates on pornography) are so very divicive.....
You may not get the help you need from this forum because of it......
How are th ings going in your household, this weekend..?
What things are you trying to do for your self, right now....?
dandylion
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I was just going to add that the porn use by your hubby does seem to be just one more thing hubby did-adding to an already impressive list. I didn't want to get into a discussion either-just throwing it out there as good for thought. One can argue all they wabt but I have lived it and felt the affects of porn use and the despicable ways my ex started treating me-there was a definite correlation. That's all I wanted to put out there and discuss.
It does seem a lot of us deal with our hubby's porn use; in afdition to alcoholism and abuse-so I think it's important to not invalidate someone dealing with the repurcussions of it. That's all!
It does seem a lot of us deal with our hubby's porn use; in afdition to alcoholism and abuse-so I think it's important to not invalidate someone dealing with the repurcussions of it. That's all!
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I don't think anyone is invalidating you. They are just giving a perspective that comparisons to porn use and someone becoming a serial killer or being a psychopath aren't valid. Porn doesn't "turn" someone into something that doesn't already exist anymore than alcohol "turns" someone into an alcoholic; the addictive personality was already there. An abusive person is an abuser not because they watched porn, but because that personality trait already existed. I'd agree with you that objectivity and unrealistic expectations can be born out of watching porn, but that is not symptom or effect on everyone. There are people here that have had issues with porn in their marriage for some its a disagreement. One ok with it and one adamantly opposed to it. For some their SO has sexual addiction issues or other problems affiliated with their use of porn. For some their SO is obsessed/addicted to porn to the point there is no physical relationship.
I think we all heartily agree it CAN be a problem, its just pinpointing what the problem is in BH's situation. Is her husband a sex addict? Is his use of porn currently affecting the relationship? Does he hide from her his use of it and lie to her about it currently? Or, is it as has been described that he in the past viewed pornography that she was not aware of and has admitted it?
I'll take it at face value it is as she has described until there is reason or evidence otherwise. So the support needs to be focused on moving forward in handling what is very upsetting to her rather than sewing seeds that he is a potential serial killer and psychopath. The repercussions here in my mind are loss of trust and two people who may or may not have different opinions on porn in a marriage. I am not sure he thinks its wrong even though his actions may indicate that.
Transparency in a marriage is necessary. Its how the best marriages thrive because the trust level goes so high. Hubby has admitted to something I am sure he knew would not be approved of by Blue. This I see as positive though the action itself is negative. If he is going to continue to watch porn this is something that needs to be discussed bearing in mind we cannot control other people; and if he is going to do it it would be better to know and decide for Blue if that's something she can accept (or not). OR if hubby is searching for forgiveness, has no intention with watching again, or is struggling with it best to know as well.
I agree with Dandy that it would be very easy to veer off the track of things that are far more serious and currently ongoing than porn use years ago.
I think we all heartily agree it CAN be a problem, its just pinpointing what the problem is in BH's situation. Is her husband a sex addict? Is his use of porn currently affecting the relationship? Does he hide from her his use of it and lie to her about it currently? Or, is it as has been described that he in the past viewed pornography that she was not aware of and has admitted it?
I'll take it at face value it is as she has described until there is reason or evidence otherwise. So the support needs to be focused on moving forward in handling what is very upsetting to her rather than sewing seeds that he is a potential serial killer and psychopath. The repercussions here in my mind are loss of trust and two people who may or may not have different opinions on porn in a marriage. I am not sure he thinks its wrong even though his actions may indicate that.
Transparency in a marriage is necessary. Its how the best marriages thrive because the trust level goes so high. Hubby has admitted to something I am sure he knew would not be approved of by Blue. This I see as positive though the action itself is negative. If he is going to continue to watch porn this is something that needs to be discussed bearing in mind we cannot control other people; and if he is going to do it it would be better to know and decide for Blue if that's something she can accept (or not). OR if hubby is searching for forgiveness, has no intention with watching again, or is struggling with it best to know as well.
I agree with Dandy that it would be very easy to veer off the track of things that are far more serious and currently ongoing than porn use years ago.
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I can't comment on porn in general because it was used in my house to control and abuse, so I don't have clear vision. My X loved porn and wanted me to watch it with him. I knew we had it in the house...those who know my backstory will know why I just dealt with it...when we had professional movers packing us to go across the country, I made sure it was in a box so they wouldn't see it. X was already at our new location so I was the only one dealing with the movers.
After they packed the master bedroom I did a pass-through to make sure it was empty. There was a plastic grocery bag with stuff in and around it in the top of the closet.
"Why did they leave this?", I said.... I grabbed it... and it was full of...
tons of male/male porn...???
I stood there flabbergasted...
Talk about an odd moment wondering how and if to explain why a lone female had THAT in her closet!!! I opted for no words at all...but I sure felt like they looked at me oddly after that...and I couldn't wait for them to leave...
Thought you all might "enjoy" that story this morning...
After they packed the master bedroom I did a pass-through to make sure it was empty. There was a plastic grocery bag with stuff in and around it in the top of the closet.
"Why did they leave this?", I said.... I grabbed it... and it was full of...
tons of male/male porn...???
I stood there flabbergasted...
Talk about an odd moment wondering how and if to explain why a lone female had THAT in her closet!!! I opted for no words at all...but I sure felt like they looked at me oddly after that...and I couldn't wait for them to leave...
Thought you all might "enjoy" that story this morning...
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I believe a study was done a while back that showed the increase in available pornography actually resulted in a decrease in sex crimes.
But it's commonly accepted that pornography can cause some men to objectify women.
All I know is that I found it's presence in my marriage to become increasingly irritating.
But it's commonly accepted that pornography can cause some men to objectify women.
All I know is that I found it's presence in my marriage to become increasingly irritating.
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What dandylion said...
...when my wife was at her worst I found a lot of things to focus on instead of her drinking and how it was affecting me, our daughter, and her.
I don't see porn any differently than I see alcohol, guns, marijuana, video games, sex, painkillers, and everything else to which people become addicted-- the list is endless.
There is no broad brush we can use to a paint all people who partake in any of the above-- some become addicts, some don't. Some abuse, some don't. Some obsess, some don't.
The problem, as always, is addiction. Now I'm going home to have a nice single malt scotch, just one because I was blessed with that ability, and go to bed.
C-
I don't see porn any differently than I see alcohol, guns, marijuana, video games, sex, painkillers, and everything else to which people become addicted-- the list is endless.
There is no broad brush we can use to a paint all people who partake in any of the above-- some become addicts, some don't. Some abuse, some don't. Some obsess, some don't.
The problem, as always, is addiction. Now I'm going home to have a nice single malt scotch, just one because I was blessed with that ability, and go to bed.
C-
Originally Posted by dandylion
Bluehawaii......I think that Thomas45 makes an important point: That correlation is not necessarily causation.....
Consider this: "Swallowing small mounts of saliva several times a day will end up killing you".
Seriously, Bluehawaii.....do you really think that your husband is on the road to becoming another "TedBundy" just because he viewed porn several years ago?
I am practicaly sitting on my own hands to resist jumping into the brewing debate on pornography. I don't want to see this thread veer off onto a side topic to the point that it may get shut down. There are pleanty of websites that are devoted to the discussion....as well as scientific artiticles that explore all kinds of aspects of human sexuality.....
All good places for those who feel strongly on the subject to join such discussions.....
Bluehawaii...what I am trying to say to you is this: I fear that you may become distracted from the primary reason for your coming to this forum in the first place.....having to do with your unhappiness in your marriage to RAH and the problems with your troubled (and addicted) daughter.....
While you may not like or approve of porn....I hate to see you make that the Red Herring to the exclusion of the more immediate niduses of your situation.....
You see...this is the kind of discussion (debates on pornography) are so very divicive.....
You may not get the help you need from this forum because of it......
How are th ings going in your household, this weekend..?
What things are you trying to do for your self, right now....?
dandylion
Consider this: "Swallowing small mounts of saliva several times a day will end up killing you".
Seriously, Bluehawaii.....do you really think that your husband is on the road to becoming another "TedBundy" just because he viewed porn several years ago?
I am practicaly sitting on my own hands to resist jumping into the brewing debate on pornography. I don't want to see this thread veer off onto a side topic to the point that it may get shut down. There are pleanty of websites that are devoted to the discussion....as well as scientific artiticles that explore all kinds of aspects of human sexuality.....
All good places for those who feel strongly on the subject to join such discussions.....
Bluehawaii...what I am trying to say to you is this: I fear that you may become distracted from the primary reason for your coming to this forum in the first place.....having to do with your unhappiness in your marriage to RAH and the problems with your troubled (and addicted) daughter.....
While you may not like or approve of porn....I hate to see you make that the Red Herring to the exclusion of the more immediate niduses of your situation.....
You see...this is the kind of discussion (debates on pornography) are so very divicive.....
You may not get the help you need from this forum because of it......
How are th ings going in your household, this weekend..?
What things are you trying to do for your self, right now....?
dandylion
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Dandelion I most certainly don't think my hubby will become the next Ted Bundy !
I was just stating a fact that he confessed to on his death bed he may have been influenced by porn.
I had another thing happen this week where a friend of mine buried her husband recently.
He died of stomach cancer.
When she was cleaning out the basement she found boxes and boxes of porn .
She had poured her heart out to me saying that the first few years it was soft porn then as the years progressed it was sadistic horrific porn that she found.
He went to church every Sunday and was well educated and well liked.
She had a sex less marriage, she wondered for years why...he was older and had diabetes.she figured it was that.Her pastor said he's not surprised by porn he was surprised it was her husband.
What happens with these men is they don't get excited with normal relations....it is clear it ruins marriages and for some very addictive.
In my marriage it hurt our sex life.
When he viewed he withdrew. It's the same as drinking ,lies ,cover up no intimacy etc.
How many others are wondering why they have a sexless marriage...it may not be the alcohol.It may be this nasty little secret.
Where they can live in fantasy and objectify woman .
I was just stating a fact that he confessed to on his death bed he may have been influenced by porn.
I had another thing happen this week where a friend of mine buried her husband recently.
He died of stomach cancer.
When she was cleaning out the basement she found boxes and boxes of porn .
She had poured her heart out to me saying that the first few years it was soft porn then as the years progressed it was sadistic horrific porn that she found.
He went to church every Sunday and was well educated and well liked.
She had a sex less marriage, she wondered for years why...he was older and had diabetes.she figured it was that.Her pastor said he's not surprised by porn he was surprised it was her husband.
What happens with these men is they don't get excited with normal relations....it is clear it ruins marriages and for some very addictive.
In my marriage it hurt our sex life.
When he viewed he withdrew. It's the same as drinking ,lies ,cover up no intimacy etc.
How many others are wondering why they have a sexless marriage...it may not be the alcohol.It may be this nasty little secret.
Where they can live in fantasy and objectify woman .
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I'm all for having fun and spicing things up and trying new things-I enjoyed sex a lot with my ex-until I stopped wanting to even touch him bc of his abuse, among other things, and a lot if really demeaning disgusting and downright creepy stuff he started trying in bed-and I could sense a very real shift that he viewed me as nothing anymore-an object to fulfill his desire-and that's how he treated me. Crap, that's how he treats all of us-we were there to serve a need to him. Narcissism 101. I don't know if it was due to porn-he did admit to it and then blamed me for him having to stoop to such low levels for satisfaction (yes, MY fault we didn't gave a sex life-not HIS actions!) or maybe it was just the alcoholism-but one thing I've found out through all this is that I have no earthly idea how many lies I was told during our narriage-nor do I care to know. Those are on him. Not me. Anyway, my experience.
Blue-has this been an ongoing issue?
Blue-has this been an ongoing issue?
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He says he started viewing at 14 and was ongoing but I have no idea to what degree.
I thought it was only in our earlier years and only while he was drinking.
He just confessed he was back at it a couple years ago since he has been sober.
I am against it and as a christian view it as infidelity as lusting after another is viewed as such .
for me it's a trust issue.
I don't trust him with much anymore.
He isn't who he pretends to be.
I thought it was only in our earlier years and only while he was drinking.
He just confessed he was back at it a couple years ago since he has been sober.
I am against it and as a christian view it as infidelity as lusting after another is viewed as such .
for me it's a trust issue.
I don't trust him with much anymore.
He isn't who he pretends to be.
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Bluehawaii.....2 thoughts come to mind.......
first off....It is easy to project "blame" from all other areas on just o ne thing......
for example....my husband said that his parents blamed all undesirable teenaged behavior on listening to rock and roll music.....
My step father blamed all undesirable behavior on the fact that I didn't get eight plus hours of sleep each night......
second.....if the fact that he viewed porn represents a deal breaker for you...then it is a deal breaker....(for YOU).
You can't change who he is....You can't control other people.....
Personally, I know that most men self-pleasure from time to time....and most all teen boys do.....
I'm talking about normal men in good relationships as well....
I'm not talking about addiction or extreme situations....
I haven't experienced stress from this in any of my relationships, personally--I just figured that they all self-pleasured at some times in their l ives (by whatever method)....but I never asked, either...I just figured that it was a part of normal sexuality...and, that it was their own private, personal business...
Just like...people are entitled to their own, private thoughts.....
It just never became a problem....
Nothing you have said leads me to assume that your h usband has an "addiction" in this area.
Heck--I grew up in a culture...where...if a person had ever drank even one beer...they were automatically classified as a "drinker"...a fallen person...a low-down, dirty sinner.......
dandylion
first off....It is easy to project "blame" from all other areas on just o ne thing......
for example....my husband said that his parents blamed all undesirable teenaged behavior on listening to rock and roll music.....
My step father blamed all undesirable behavior on the fact that I didn't get eight plus hours of sleep each night......
second.....if the fact that he viewed porn represents a deal breaker for you...then it is a deal breaker....(for YOU).
You can't change who he is....You can't control other people.....
Personally, I know that most men self-pleasure from time to time....and most all teen boys do.....
I'm talking about normal men in good relationships as well....
I'm not talking about addiction or extreme situations....
I haven't experienced stress from this in any of my relationships, personally--I just figured that they all self-pleasured at some times in their l ives (by whatever method)....but I never asked, either...I just figured that it was a part of normal sexuality...and, that it was their own private, personal business...
Just like...people are entitled to their own, private thoughts.....
It just never became a problem....
Nothing you have said leads me to assume that your h usband has an "addiction" in this area.
Heck--I grew up in a culture...where...if a person had ever drank even one beer...they were automatically classified as a "drinker"...a fallen person...a low-down, dirty sinner.......
dandylion
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Blue - If this is something that happened in the past......Why do you think your husband told you?
I'm trying to figure out what's in it for him. Absolutely he would know this information would be upsetting. If he stopped, and it was so long ago, why upset the apple cart? Guilt?
I'm trying to figure out what's in it for him. Absolutely he would know this information would be upsetting. If he stopped, and it was so long ago, why upset the apple cart? Guilt?
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Just offering a Christian perspective-take it or leave it
The Dangers of Pornography in Marriage | MarriageToday
The Dangers of Pornography in Marriage | MarriageToday
Mountainmanbob
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Redatlanta, what you say about transparency in a marriage is so important and was definitely part of the demise of mine. When I found my husband was watching porn, and a very offensive version (if that's even possible), he tried denying it until I showed him the browser history (he had no idea about history). After that day, the history was always deleted and he denied he ever did it again. I know he was and that just added to the complete distrust that festered in our marriage. It also contributed to a sexless marriage for the last 4 or 5 years we were together. I'm glad I read this post, as I've been having so much trouble remembering why I was unhappy in my marriage, and this just brought so much back. The porn, the lying, the denial, the non-transparency. Ugh.
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When I found my husband was watching porn, and a very offensive version (if that's even possible), he tried denying it until I showed him the browser history (he had no idea about history). After that day, the history was always deleted and he denied he ever did it again. I know he was and that just added to the complete distrust that festered in our marriage. It also contributed to a sexless marriage for the last 4 or 5 years we were together.
and let me take a guess here.....YOU were the crazy one with your accusations cause "LOOK, the history shows I haven't been looking at anything!!!!! "
and let me take a guess here.....YOU were the crazy one with your accusations cause "LOOK, the history shows I haven't been looking at anything!!!!! "
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Early on in recovery I browsed around speaker recordings from many different 12-step groups including a couple of different sex addict groups (apparently there was a major division in the sex addiction recovery community over homosexuality). I came across one recording of a porn addict. His addiction took place back in the video tape days, so he ended up spending $$$ on a portable vcr & tv combo to take around with him. He spoke about going straight from church to the video store to rent new material, wondering if he'd see anyone else from his church there. It was the fix he was addicted to. I can see how porn offers a simpler fix than a partner, particularly if the relationship is trouble in some way that sex is already a problem, and in the addiction sense, it seems plausible that over time the material needs to get more intense to keep up the rush.
I have a porn stash. Some of it is nostalgic, some old magazines from the 70's/80's some recent. Its not huge, and since starting recovery I've not invested time in curating or extending it. My marriage is sexless when in its "relaxed" state where I am not demanding, something that recovery has taught me. Its been like that for 10 years or so and seems likely thats the way it'll be. Clearly its a complex situation the details of which are not on topic here, I am just acknowledging my part and that to me sex is a bellwether for the emotional health of the marriage.
For me, before recovery porn was an outlet for frustration with the marriage, now it is a tool for rare situations where I need to quickly cool off the libido. Aside from porn addiction cases I'd be reluctant to start blaming porn for the destruction of marriages- I think its a more complicated situation than that. In the addiction case, I should think most any addiction would be as destructive.
I have a porn stash. Some of it is nostalgic, some old magazines from the 70's/80's some recent. Its not huge, and since starting recovery I've not invested time in curating or extending it. My marriage is sexless when in its "relaxed" state where I am not demanding, something that recovery has taught me. Its been like that for 10 years or so and seems likely thats the way it'll be. Clearly its a complex situation the details of which are not on topic here, I am just acknowledging my part and that to me sex is a bellwether for the emotional health of the marriage.
For me, before recovery porn was an outlet for frustration with the marriage, now it is a tool for rare situations where I need to quickly cool off the libido. Aside from porn addiction cases I'd be reluctant to start blaming porn for the destruction of marriages- I think its a more complicated situation than that. In the addiction case, I should think most any addiction would be as destructive.
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Redatlanta, you nailed it on that one. Like I am some fool. I said to him one day how is it that the history is always blank now when I know you are on the computer working (and we use the internet for our work scheduling). He'd say he has no idea and doesn't know how any of that works (when all else fails, play dumb). And yes, then I was, once again, told I was crazy and paranoid. And talk about the crazy things we do? One night I set my alarm for 4 am (when he wakes up to work) and snuck around the outside of my house in my pajamas to look in the window of our office to see what he was doing on the computer! OMG, the insane things I would do because I always knew he was lying. Whether it was about porn or drinking or whatever. He said to me once, he lies just to lie, but only to me. Lucky, lucky me.
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