Am I misusing my recovery tools?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Am I misusing my recovery tools?
Need some opinions, and quite frankly this is the best place I know for down to earth sharing.
I have stated many times I apply the tools I have acquired here to my everyday life. So much of what I have learned here, is sound and practical sense.
About a month ago, my best friend really told me off, and I haven't spoken a word to her since. She even followed up with a nasty email, which basically was asking me to engage further , to which I never responded.
My friend's daughter ( my God child) is currently in the process of a gender transition.
When this all started I simply just listened , but as time has gone on, I have formed a personal opinion regarding this and have asked my best friend of 50+years not to share anymore info regarding this subject, as I am not in any position to offer any advice about something I know zero about. I have never shared my personal thoughts, simply because I was not asked, and I never offered.
I did suggest she may want to talk to a trained professional about this matter, as I know she is also struggling.
Needless to say, she has disregarded my request of not talking to me about this matter, and pretty much for the last year , this was our daily topic of conversation. So at our weekly get together she was going on and on about how the daughter is developing tumors and has some precancerous levels, and as a mother all I said, was " Maybe should should stop the hormone therapy" until they figure out what is going on with her............
Well you would have thought I declared World War 3. She stated, I am non supportive, I don't agree, I am clueless, I don't know what I am talking about, I am against this surgery, and ended with a so shut the f*** up.
The other eight women in the room were waiting for my reply, but I simply ignored her, shook my head, and left the room for a minute.
And this is why we haven't spoke in over a month.
So my question, have I gone to far?
I really feel like she expects me to climb aboard and embrace this situation, and in looking at it from the outside, I simply cannot do that, there is no much mental unbalance in the daughter.
Actually it feels pretty good not to have to hear this nonsense daily, I like this radio silence, but after 50 years of talking EVERYDAY of our lives, I must admit , I am out of sorts, so to speak.
Any thoughts?
I have stated many times I apply the tools I have acquired here to my everyday life. So much of what I have learned here, is sound and practical sense.
About a month ago, my best friend really told me off, and I haven't spoken a word to her since. She even followed up with a nasty email, which basically was asking me to engage further , to which I never responded.
My friend's daughter ( my God child) is currently in the process of a gender transition.
When this all started I simply just listened , but as time has gone on, I have formed a personal opinion regarding this and have asked my best friend of 50+years not to share anymore info regarding this subject, as I am not in any position to offer any advice about something I know zero about. I have never shared my personal thoughts, simply because I was not asked, and I never offered.
I did suggest she may want to talk to a trained professional about this matter, as I know she is also struggling.
Needless to say, she has disregarded my request of not talking to me about this matter, and pretty much for the last year , this was our daily topic of conversation. So at our weekly get together she was going on and on about how the daughter is developing tumors and has some precancerous levels, and as a mother all I said, was " Maybe should should stop the hormone therapy" until they figure out what is going on with her............
Well you would have thought I declared World War 3. She stated, I am non supportive, I don't agree, I am clueless, I don't know what I am talking about, I am against this surgery, and ended with a so shut the f*** up.
The other eight women in the room were waiting for my reply, but I simply ignored her, shook my head, and left the room for a minute.
And this is why we haven't spoke in over a month.
So my question, have I gone to far?
I really feel like she expects me to climb aboard and embrace this situation, and in looking at it from the outside, I simply cannot do that, there is no much mental unbalance in the daughter.
Actually it feels pretty good not to have to hear this nonsense daily, I like this radio silence, but after 50 years of talking EVERYDAY of our lives, I must admit , I am out of sorts, so to speak.
Any thoughts?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hmm, this is obviously very tricky and delicate all around. I don't think it has anything to do with her daughter's transition.
Your friend is clearly in terrible distress, but insisting that you be her therapist, validator, and sole measure of support is not a reasonable expectation.
I think that offering your opinion AFTER asking her not to share anymore about the subject muddies things a bit. If you want out of something, you have to resist engaging in it further.
Whatever happened, however, or whatever you said, it is not appropriate for her to blow up at you in that way. Whatever her expectations of you are, the foundation of any friendship must be mutual respect. It does not sound like she is capable of that right now. It sound like she has too much emotion to handle and she exploded at the slightest provocation. That's something to take to a professional, NOT your oldest and dearest friend.
Of course it's hardly your job to teach her that. I feel that you are protecting your serenity by disengaging. Again, I don't think it has anything to do with what her child is doing, but rather about how old friends treat each other.
Your friend is clearly in terrible distress, but insisting that you be her therapist, validator, and sole measure of support is not a reasonable expectation.
I think that offering your opinion AFTER asking her not to share anymore about the subject muddies things a bit. If you want out of something, you have to resist engaging in it further.
Whatever happened, however, or whatever you said, it is not appropriate for her to blow up at you in that way. Whatever her expectations of you are, the foundation of any friendship must be mutual respect. It does not sound like she is capable of that right now. It sound like she has too much emotion to handle and she exploded at the slightest provocation. That's something to take to a professional, NOT your oldest and dearest friend.
Of course it's hardly your job to teach her that. I feel that you are protecting your serenity by disengaging. Again, I don't think it has anything to do with what her child is doing, but rather about how old friends treat each other.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I don't think you did anything wrong. This sounds like more going on in her mind than what was said. Is it possible that she interpreted your months of silence as judgment & jumped down your throat at the very first word based on those false perceptions? Could also be related to fear - no matter what the circumstances, if DD gets a pre-cancerous warning from a Dr it's going to upset me as her mother.
I think I'd be pretty offended that after decades of friendship she dismissed me without actually even HEARING me & then found it necessary to scold me via email as well. That's not respectful of our friendship at all.
Out of curiosity, what were her thoughts about the surgery? Has she always supported it?
I think I'd be pretty offended that after decades of friendship she dismissed me without actually even HEARING me & then found it necessary to scold me via email as well. That's not respectful of our friendship at all.
Out of curiosity, what were her thoughts about the surgery? Has she always supported it?
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
If it was my friend, I would set the topic aside and just ask if I am being a good friend to her. If I cant provide input on the topic am I listening to her and being supportive of her needs. Some friendships are one sided and maybe we bore of them after a while. Other times it becomes one sided temporarily when a friend is in need.
I would look at how I view the friendship and I would also examine not just my one comment but how my overall demenor has been to the friend. Have I been resentful this is always a topic, annoyed my stuff isnt getting more attention. These are the places I would go to ans look at my own behavior. Ive had to cut one sided friends out of my life. And Ive made strong connections with others who stuck by me in my time of need. Ive had others who walkes away when I could have used just a hug. Such is life.
I would look at how I view the friendship and I would also examine not just my one comment but how my overall demenor has been to the friend. Have I been resentful this is always a topic, annoyed my stuff isnt getting more attention. These are the places I would go to ans look at my own behavior. Ive had to cut one sided friends out of my life. And Ive made strong connections with others who stuck by me in my time of need. Ive had others who walkes away when I could have used just a hug. Such is life.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Marie - I'd be feeling out of sorts too, to be cut off from a 50 year friendship.
I found myself in a similar situation. I have a friend with Stage 4 breast cancer. In our friendship she saw me as 24 hour on call psychotherapist - and for years I willing albeit begrudgingly played that role! We talked every day, multiple times a day, about her.
When I got sober a couple years ago two of the first relationships I examined were with my husband and with her!
I recognized that her expectations of me were unreasonable, and somehow scraped together enough strength to erect a boundary. She fought against it, and while it wasn't a public swearing off at a party, it was dramatic.
It took some adjusting to the absence in my life, but time and space proved heathy. I didn't miss being someone's therapist or dumping ground. Fast forward almost two years later. She finally got a therapist. I'm in recovery. We get together from time to time.
My point is that it's been beneficial for me to apply my recovery principles to all aspects of my life. And long time friends CAN change their boundaries and dynamics, and enjoy each other's company again.
I found myself in a similar situation. I have a friend with Stage 4 breast cancer. In our friendship she saw me as 24 hour on call psychotherapist - and for years I willing albeit begrudgingly played that role! We talked every day, multiple times a day, about her.
When I got sober a couple years ago two of the first relationships I examined were with my husband and with her!
I recognized that her expectations of me were unreasonable, and somehow scraped together enough strength to erect a boundary. She fought against it, and while it wasn't a public swearing off at a party, it was dramatic.
It took some adjusting to the absence in my life, but time and space proved heathy. I didn't miss being someone's therapist or dumping ground. Fast forward almost two years later. She finally got a therapist. I'm in recovery. We get together from time to time.
My point is that it's been beneficial for me to apply my recovery principles to all aspects of my life. And long time friends CAN change their boundaries and dynamics, and enjoy each other's company again.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Marie
In my opinion a 50 year friendship is a lot to throw away. Please believe me when I say that I am not taking her side here. With that being said I'm thinking you must be somewhere around my age ( I'm 52 ). We are of a different generation and maybe , just maybe, she herself feels that this transgender thing with her daughter is "different" for the lack of a better word. Maybe she's projecting. Who knows...
I have quite a few friends that have been around for 40 plus years. In my case what I would do with any one of them if this was my situation is call them and clear the air. But that's just me.
Good luck Marie...I'm sure this is hurtful for you.
Ro
In my opinion a 50 year friendship is a lot to throw away. Please believe me when I say that I am not taking her side here. With that being said I'm thinking you must be somewhere around my age ( I'm 52 ). We are of a different generation and maybe , just maybe, she herself feels that this transgender thing with her daughter is "different" for the lack of a better word. Maybe she's projecting. Who knows...
I have quite a few friends that have been around for 40 plus years. In my case what I would do with any one of them if this was my situation is call them and clear the air. But that's just me.
Good luck Marie...I'm sure this is hurtful for you.
Ro
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I do not understand how are you exactly misusing anything? You only stated your opinion, which you are entitled to and perhaps it even makes sense what you say. There was a more appropriate way for her to react if she disagrees or if you are not right (she can basically teach you). You are not an expert on the subject, you acknowledge that. My bet is, she took out her frustration on you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hi,
My husband has a wise saying about people coming out to their true sexual expression. 'It took them X many years to work it out and own it. Maybe they should give their loved ones that same amount of time to adapt once they tell them their truth.'
If you miss your friend, you could reply that you've told her before you did not want this huge issue to dominate your daily time with her. You don't have the expertise to really help her. Ask her to consider seeing a counselor again as an outlet beyond your friendship and let your friendship revert to that - friends. This restates your boundary, tells the truth that you miss her 50-year companionship, and offers her a solution of a counselor.
This stuff is really tough. Take care of you.
My husband has a wise saying about people coming out to their true sexual expression. 'It took them X many years to work it out and own it. Maybe they should give their loved ones that same amount of time to adapt once they tell them their truth.'
If you miss your friend, you could reply that you've told her before you did not want this huge issue to dominate your daily time with her. You don't have the expertise to really help her. Ask her to consider seeing a counselor again as an outlet beyond your friendship and let your friendship revert to that - friends. This restates your boundary, tells the truth that you miss her 50-year companionship, and offers her a solution of a counselor.
This stuff is really tough. Take care of you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by marie1960 
Need some opinions, and quite frankly this is the best place I know for down to earth sharing.
I have stated many times I apply the tools I have acquired here to my everyday life. So much of what I have learned here, is sound and practical sense.
When this all started I simply just listened , but as time has gone on, I have formed a personal opinion regarding this and have asked my best friend of 50+years not to share anymore info regarding this subject, as I am not in any position to offer any advice about something I know zero about. I have never shared my personal thoughts, simply because I was not asked, and I never offered.
Needless to say, she has disregarded my request of not talking to me about this matter, and pretty much for the last year , this was our daily topic of conversation.
I have stated many times I apply the tools I have acquired here to my everyday life. So much of what I have learned here, is sound and practical sense.
When this all started I simply just listened , but as time has gone on, I have formed a personal opinion regarding this and have asked my best friend of 50+years not to share anymore info regarding this subject, as I am not in any position to offer any advice about something I know zero about. I have never shared my personal thoughts, simply because I was not asked, and I never offered.
Needless to say, she has disregarded my request of not talking to me about this matter, and pretty much for the last year , this was our daily topic of conversation.
I am not saying it is easy, and I struggle with it more in my friendships then other relationships. I also have not necessarily been met with a warm reception with this change in all of my relationships.
I am curious how that part of things went in your relationship with your friend?
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