alcoholic girlfriend won't leave/threat to self
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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alcoholic girlfriend won't leave/threat to self
Hello
I'm glad I found this place though I wish I didn't need to. Been reading for a couple days, and decided to post.
Situation: been with her 2.5 years, living together for a little over a year. She's a bartender. I was a customer, that's how we met. Knew each other as friends, I moved, got a new job, grew a pair and asked her out. Did long distance for a bit then she relocated to be with me.
While in retrospect there were some early warning signs, my first clue was about 2 months after she moved in. She was having trouble finding a good job, and every day I came home she'd still be in bed. A week or so later she showed me bottles of vodka she had been hiding. Told her I would help her however I could. She continued behaving the same way, I found bottles again a month later, and should have kicked her out then.
She seemed to be doing better with booze. Still drank, and sometimes to excess when we were out with people, but wasn't hiding it at home, had a job, wasn't sleeping all the time.
Until around the holidays. I was home a lot and most of the time she'd fall asleep on me early and often. Had a big fight on New Years over nothing, and the next week and a half continued to be a zombie. On Tuesday she came home reeking of booze. On Wednesday she called me saying she quit her job- during a bar meeting she was scolded for being "too good" compared to the other bartenders and quit over it (suspicious, I know). Said she was waiting for traffic to die down, over at a friends, would see me later.
I decide to do a bottle check when I got home. Took me 5 minutes to find a handle of spiced rum. She came home, reeked of booze again, and fell asleep on the couch. I pulled the bottle out and waited for her to wake up. She did, we fought and I told her I wanted her gone and I'm sure everyone here knows how it went:
1. Anger at me
2. Depression
3. Begging me to let her stay/she'd do anything to not have to leave. Nowhere to go, no job, what about the dogs, etc.
4. Dumped out all the booze at the house to show me she's serious.
Asked her to sleep in the guest room as I had work the next day.
The next day (yesterday) when I got home from work she asked me if I had thought about it, told her I had and still want her gone. Admitted she has a problem and has for a long time, and wants help. But blamed me for being distant, for making her move, etc. told me I had issues too that I never work on, I'm not attracted to her anymore (physically I am, mentally/ emotionally I am not and I told her that). Begged me to give her another chance that she doesn't deserve, she'll do anything, never drink again, get out of the bar industry.
Said she's broke, nowhere to go, owns nothing, no friends she can stay with, im abandoning her, etc. refused my offer to help move her out and set her up in a apartment wherever she wants to be. She said she doesn't want charity from me. Then asked for her gun back if I'm kicking her out (I've hidden it at an offsite location). Said if I don't give it back she'll just total the car and kill herself.
At this point I'm at a loss. All of this is so typical alcoholic behavior and reaction. I want to believe her- said she sad going to aa today, but I don't know if I have the patience to see her through recovery.
I'd walk out myself, but I own the house- her name is not on it. Is there a way to get her out that doesn't involve handcuffs or a body bag? Am I wrong for not giving her a real shot at recovery?
I'm glad I found this place though I wish I didn't need to. Been reading for a couple days, and decided to post.
Situation: been with her 2.5 years, living together for a little over a year. She's a bartender. I was a customer, that's how we met. Knew each other as friends, I moved, got a new job, grew a pair and asked her out. Did long distance for a bit then she relocated to be with me.
While in retrospect there were some early warning signs, my first clue was about 2 months after she moved in. She was having trouble finding a good job, and every day I came home she'd still be in bed. A week or so later she showed me bottles of vodka she had been hiding. Told her I would help her however I could. She continued behaving the same way, I found bottles again a month later, and should have kicked her out then.
She seemed to be doing better with booze. Still drank, and sometimes to excess when we were out with people, but wasn't hiding it at home, had a job, wasn't sleeping all the time.
Until around the holidays. I was home a lot and most of the time she'd fall asleep on me early and often. Had a big fight on New Years over nothing, and the next week and a half continued to be a zombie. On Tuesday she came home reeking of booze. On Wednesday she called me saying she quit her job- during a bar meeting she was scolded for being "too good" compared to the other bartenders and quit over it (suspicious, I know). Said she was waiting for traffic to die down, over at a friends, would see me later.
I decide to do a bottle check when I got home. Took me 5 minutes to find a handle of spiced rum. She came home, reeked of booze again, and fell asleep on the couch. I pulled the bottle out and waited for her to wake up. She did, we fought and I told her I wanted her gone and I'm sure everyone here knows how it went:
1. Anger at me
2. Depression
3. Begging me to let her stay/she'd do anything to not have to leave. Nowhere to go, no job, what about the dogs, etc.
4. Dumped out all the booze at the house to show me she's serious.
Asked her to sleep in the guest room as I had work the next day.
The next day (yesterday) when I got home from work she asked me if I had thought about it, told her I had and still want her gone. Admitted she has a problem and has for a long time, and wants help. But blamed me for being distant, for making her move, etc. told me I had issues too that I never work on, I'm not attracted to her anymore (physically I am, mentally/ emotionally I am not and I told her that). Begged me to give her another chance that she doesn't deserve, she'll do anything, never drink again, get out of the bar industry.
Said she's broke, nowhere to go, owns nothing, no friends she can stay with, im abandoning her, etc. refused my offer to help move her out and set her up in a apartment wherever she wants to be. She said she doesn't want charity from me. Then asked for her gun back if I'm kicking her out (I've hidden it at an offsite location). Said if I don't give it back she'll just total the car and kill herself.
At this point I'm at a loss. All of this is so typical alcoholic behavior and reaction. I want to believe her- said she sad going to aa today, but I don't know if I have the patience to see her through recovery.
I'd walk out myself, but I own the house- her name is not on it. Is there a way to get her out that doesn't involve handcuffs or a body bag? Am I wrong for not giving her a real shot at recovery?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,900
If she has been living there for a year, chances are, you would have to formally evict her...giving her 30 days or whatever to vacate the premises.
Also, if she threatens to harm herself again, you can call 911 and they will come out and assess the situation. It's possible they'll take her to the hospital and put her on a psychiatric hold for 72 hours. Just having to go through that would probably stop her from making those types of threats.
Also, if she threatens to harm herself again, you can call 911 and they will come out and assess the situation. It's possible they'll take her to the hospital and put her on a psychiatric hold for 72 hours. Just having to go through that would probably stop her from making those types of threats.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tx......I think it is call a lawyer time....you need to know your rights in specific detail.....as you m ay have to exercise t hem....
I think you are doing the right thing for both of you...but, don't expect her to see it that way.....
Personally, I would not want to give a gun back to someone who is in her state of mind......ask the lawyer about this...maybe you can turn the gun into the police.....?
dandylion
I think you are doing the right thing for both of you...but, don't expect her to see it that way.....
Personally, I would not want to give a gun back to someone who is in her state of mind......ask the lawyer about this...maybe you can turn the gun into the police.....?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
It sounds like you've already given her a few 'chances'.
She is the only one who can give herself a REAL chance at recovery.
Listen to your gut. Listen to your instincts They are usually right on. And, I don't know her or you, but the fact that she quit her job and has been basically living off of you speaks volumes even without any drinking. She says she will not take charity from you, but she has already been doing just that. She's been living off you. Also, problems at work are a bad sign and not being able to get a job is another problem. Even if she did NOT drink, you may grow to resent the inequality in the relationship and being the responsible one who pays the bills-keeps a roof over your heads. Who is paying for the booze?
Though you still find her attractive physically, that means very little if you cannot stand who she is on the inside. Good looks tend to fade if the person inside isn't also attractive.
Sure, there is hope for recovery. But if you say you are not up for the patience it will involve NOW, how is it going to be later and how is it going affect YOUR health?
She is the only one who can give herself a REAL chance at recovery.
Listen to your gut. Listen to your instincts They are usually right on. And, I don't know her or you, but the fact that she quit her job and has been basically living off of you speaks volumes even without any drinking. She says she will not take charity from you, but she has already been doing just that. She's been living off you. Also, problems at work are a bad sign and not being able to get a job is another problem. Even if she did NOT drink, you may grow to resent the inequality in the relationship and being the responsible one who pays the bills-keeps a roof over your heads. Who is paying for the booze?
Though you still find her attractive physically, that means very little if you cannot stand who she is on the inside. Good looks tend to fade if the person inside isn't also attractive.
Sure, there is hope for recovery. But if you say you are not up for the patience it will involve NOW, how is it going to be later and how is it going affect YOUR health?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
If it makes you feel any better. This is all pretty typical stuff. She's an alcoholic. I went through the whole, I swear I'll go to AA to get help. That lasted about 60 days. Yours may take to it better than mine. But the reality is, AA doesn't have a great rate of success. It simply bought some time for mine. It put off the inevitable while I hoped it was the help she needed. For her it allowed her to find a new boyfriend( she met at AA). Like you I owned the house. She tried to get the house from me. It didn't go well for her.
She has rights by law so you unfortunately can't just throw her out. If she won't leave between the both of ya'll talking, you'll need to evict.
She has rights by law so you unfortunately can't just throw her out. If she won't leave between the both of ya'll talking, you'll need to evict.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh wow. This is a situation. I would say you are going to have to legally evict her if she won't go. Which means servicing her with a notice. On the legal front.
You have said you have lost that loving feeling, so I don't think you are wrong. You offered to set her up in an apartment, if she does not take that offer that is really her own fault. She is just trying to guilt you in the hopes you will let her stay.
I take suicidal threats seriously. If you have fear she will hurt herself or makes that threat, call the police. This will either get her the help she needs, or it will show her you mean business and I bet she won't do that again.
She does have a shot at recovery, for herself. You don't have to be in charge of her recovery.
I wish you all the best, welcome to SR. There is great support here!
You have said you have lost that loving feeling, so I don't think you are wrong. You offered to set her up in an apartment, if she does not take that offer that is really her own fault. She is just trying to guilt you in the hopes you will let her stay.
I take suicidal threats seriously. If you have fear she will hurt herself or makes that threat, call the police. This will either get her the help she needs, or it will show her you mean business and I bet she won't do that again.
She does have a shot at recovery, for herself. You don't have to be in charge of her recovery.
I wish you all the best, welcome to SR. There is great support here!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Absolutely call the police anytime she threatens to kill herself. They'll very kindly take her to a psych evaluation.
So sorry you are in the middle of this mess. I stayed with an alcoholic because he had no family. That didn't turn out so well
So sorry you are in the middle of this mess. I stayed with an alcoholic because he had no family. That didn't turn out so well
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ re AA, I think sometimes the numbers get skewed bc AA is court ordered so much and forced on some people that are not there by choice/rather bc they have to be, so they don't recover-it doesn't "work". However, any program can work if you desire true change! Regardless, crap-she needs some serious help-and that shouldn't come from you. Pls call the police of she threatens again and do realize what she's doing is quacking....or maybe she truly intends to harm herself-at this point that doesn't matter-she needs help-this is not going to get any better for you or her until she gets help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
If you are set on her leaving your house, then talk to a lawyer to get eviction proceedings started.
In Texas, I believe the notice for an "unofficial tenant," which she would be (without a lease or other paperwork) would be 30 day notice. Find out your legal options for this.
I know this isn't the road you want to take, but do realize that even if she does agree to leave, that does not mean she will. You cannot trust her for what she says any longer - including an agreement to leave. If you're set on her moving out, then take the proper legal steps for your own sake.
It's unfortunate that the alcoholics we love and care about get themselves to a point to where can no longer trust or believe them, but it's their doing. It's not ours. We may help set a precedent by giving more chances than we should, but there is nothing inherently wrong with giving a person a chance. However, there comes a time to recognize that those chances are being taken for granted. I think you're getting to that point of understanding that the change has to come from you at this point.
It's hard to do, but it's the right thing to do to look out for yourself. You know that she's making promises that she's not likely to keep. Actions speak louder than words with anyone, and especially with an alcoholic.
As for her threats of killing herself - even if she's not serious, take them seriously. Call the police next time and get them involved. If she's a serious threat to herself, then she needs a mental evaluation. If she's trying to place guilt on you, then she'll find that will not work on you. Either way, the burden of her threats should not fall on you.
Sorry that you are going through this. The best thing that an alcoholic can do, though, is to face the music.
In Texas, I believe the notice for an "unofficial tenant," which she would be (without a lease or other paperwork) would be 30 day notice. Find out your legal options for this.
I know this isn't the road you want to take, but do realize that even if she does agree to leave, that does not mean she will. You cannot trust her for what she says any longer - including an agreement to leave. If you're set on her moving out, then take the proper legal steps for your own sake.
It's unfortunate that the alcoholics we love and care about get themselves to a point to where can no longer trust or believe them, but it's their doing. It's not ours. We may help set a precedent by giving more chances than we should, but there is nothing inherently wrong with giving a person a chance. However, there comes a time to recognize that those chances are being taken for granted. I think you're getting to that point of understanding that the change has to come from you at this point.
It's hard to do, but it's the right thing to do to look out for yourself. You know that she's making promises that she's not likely to keep. Actions speak louder than words with anyone, and especially with an alcoholic.
As for her threats of killing herself - even if she's not serious, take them seriously. Call the police next time and get them involved. If she's a serious threat to herself, then she needs a mental evaluation. If she's trying to place guilt on you, then she'll find that will not work on you. Either way, the burden of her threats should not fall on you.
Sorry that you are going through this. The best thing that an alcoholic can do, though, is to face the music.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'll just add something else if you find yourself RESOLVED to get her evicted BUT also find yourself 'waffling" about what to do. Remember that at the point a person is being a harm to their self or to others you need to call the police. Do your best to secure your environment from anything she could use to commit suicide. This is hard for you to do right now, because you are holding down a full time job and cannot be there to keep watch on her all the time. Unfortunately this has become a safety issue, not just a drinking issue.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Id check with an attorney and explain all of it
Your not wrong in any decision you make, its your choice.
If I was in the situation where it appears shes escalating and getting worse. If I chose to stick by recovery Id insist she uses recommended protocol as dictated by National Institute Drug Abuse where she first goes to a professional and gets evaluated. (View their site if your unaware of their recommendations).
Your not wrong in any decision you make, its your choice.
If I was in the situation where it appears shes escalating and getting worse. If I chose to stick by recovery Id insist she uses recommended protocol as dictated by National Institute Drug Abuse where she first goes to a professional and gets evaluated. (View their site if your unaware of their recommendations).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Ugh!! I remember when my Exhusband pulled that " I'm gonna kill myself " shtick. My therapist told me that if he ever said it again to call 911 and let them deal with him. Needless to say, once I told him that's what I was going to do he never said it again.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Tx, alcoholic, train wreck, whatever she is, she has a point. She moved away from her home to be with you and is probably without family support where she is now.
I suggest you offer her a fair cash settlement to get her home and for a deposit on an apartment. At the same time, commence eviction proceedings so she can be clear in her head that you mean it. It probably won't take long to break down her 'charity' inhibitions as the choice of being out with, or without, money is pretty clear.
Put the cost of this exercise down to experience.
I suggest you offer her a fair cash settlement to get her home and for a deposit on an apartment. At the same time, commence eviction proceedings so she can be clear in her head that you mean it. It probably won't take long to break down her 'charity' inhibitions as the choice of being out with, or without, money is pretty clear.
Put the cost of this exercise down to experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 99
Just thought I'd check in.
She hasn't drank since I caught her. She's going to AA and seems to be doing better.
Turnaround seems quick and I'm still not sure how genuine it is, but she's now saying she understands what she's put me through and why I feel the way I do.
Gave her some time to get a new job and find a place so long as she stays sober in the meantime.
She hasn't drank since I caught her. She's going to AA and seems to be doing better.
Turnaround seems quick and I'm still not sure how genuine it is, but she's now saying she understands what she's put me through and why I feel the way I do.
Gave her some time to get a new job and find a place so long as she stays sober in the meantime.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ good for her. Just fair warning-some alkis can hold it together while the pressure is on (have you seen the movie Flight?) but will eventually buckle if the underlying issues are not addressed-a true recovery program addresses these. Ive witnessed this!
Regardless, stay on your side of the street and take care of yourself. Someone here recently said it's not your job to blame her for failure or cheer on her success-that's on her.
Regardless, stay on your side of the street and take care of yourself. Someone here recently said it's not your job to blame her for failure or cheer on her success-that's on her.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Txjeepguy 
Turnaround seems quick and I'm still not sure how genuine it is, but she's now saying she understands what she's put me through and why I feel the way I do.
I wish you strength and clarity if/when you need to enforce that boundary about her leaving if she drinks.
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