Moving On...So Sad

Old 01-14-2016, 06:40 PM
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Moving On...So Sad

Hi everyone -

Back in October, I finally left my AH. He is in denial and told everyone I am having a mid-life crisis. I stayed with some friends and am finally moving into my own apartment this weekend.

After close to 10 years of "one more chance", it is over. Ten years of pushing down the anger and hurt and sadness is over. I am starting to feel that all the emotions I have been not processing are coming to the surface. I am SO sad. I am heartbroken about the death of my marriage.

When I left, I withdrew from friends. He didn't. He's been going out, meeting people, and seems to be enjoying himself. He and I are still friendly (now that he is past the anger of me "treating him so terribly"), and he tells me that our friends tell him how they were so afraid to be around me because they never knew what would "set me off" and they're glad they don't have to walk on eggshells anymore.

I want to scream. I want to scream that it was not one bit of fun to have to look into those blank, drunk eyes every night. They have no idea what it was like to live with him. Yet they still prefer his company to mine. I am hurt and sad and angry and alone. People are telling me how lucky I am that there are not children involved. I left the person I slept next to for 18 years because my life was unmanageable, and I should feel lucky that I don't have children? I left my pets and my life. I walked out the door with my clothes because I could not live like that any more.

My heart is hurting. I am lonely. I am sad. I just want to lie in my bed and cry until the pain goes away. My friends were not really friends, and that hurts.

I am not sad that I left. I do not regret that choice. It is going to be hard and I think you guys on here know my pain better than anyone I know in real life. I just needed to get this stuff off my chest.

It is freeing to not be in the grip of panic right now, as it was for me for so long. I am starting to be able to breathe but it just hurts so much when something reminds me of the good times.

Realistically, I know this pain will go away with time, but I am in the midst of it now and that is no comfort to me tonight.
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Old 01-14-2016, 06:59 PM
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I'm so very sorry. I'm feeling the same pain tonight. It comes in waves...one min I'm happy to be moving on, the next I'm tearing up out of nowhere. It's so hard. Wish I could only think of the bad and forget the good.

Sorry about the friends. They weren't very good friends to you it seems the truth will become apparent eventually.
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Old 01-14-2016, 07:26 PM
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I'm so sorry you're grieving tonight, TimeForMe. I believe, time will heal some of your wounds.

Please know, you won't always feel this badly. You did the right thing, but it hurts.. of course it does! Leaving your home, your pets, and yes, even the man you slept beside for 18 years is an adjustment, to say the least.

Please be kind to yourself, you're not alone.

HHTexas, sending you hugs too.
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Old 01-14-2016, 07:28 PM
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Friend-I was SOOOO there just a year ago-and even since then. Everyone here assured me it would get better-and it does-although I didn't truly believe it at the time. A lot of people here toldr that grieving is not linear-and it's true. Ups and downs, random crying, anger, etc-I too felt like a tidal wave of emotions hit bc I had stuffed them for so long just to survive in the insane and scary environment my ex created-or when I did actually let my emotions out during the last few years we were married I was laughed at or scolded it made fun of or abused further. Let them out-it's ok!!!

Remember that addicts spin a web of lies and so whst he's told his friends and what he's telling you is not the truth-to either party! I too was told that nobody liked coming around me bc I was so awful and not fun to be around-well, yes, that was true to some extent-but those same people had not one f'ing clue what I dealt with day in and day out with my ex-and most of them were enablers and drinking buddies that I don't think cared either way. Not one "friend" has bothered to even call to check on our young girls in almost a year and a half-one friend in particular was to be the godfatger of our oldest daughter. Nothing. Yep-great friend and man, alright!
Don't fret-addicts recruit others to continue to try to sell their lies to-you walk forward with your head held high armed with the truth-that's what you have and trust me, it beats living like him any day of the week. Wishing you peace tonight!
Many hugs.
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Old 01-14-2016, 08:46 PM
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Sounds like you are having a rough night and I hope tomorrow is
a better day for you. For what it's worth, I find this to be very
comforting, and hope it is for you too.

Who?s in your front row?
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Old 01-14-2016, 08:52 PM
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I am so sad to hear of your pain and heartache. Do you have a good counselor or therapist?

I found that face to face counseling really helped bring me out of isolation, hold my head up again and connect again in healthy ways.

Take care; you will heal. I can't make your pain go away now, but I can assure you that there is healing.
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Old 01-14-2016, 09:35 PM
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Originally Posted by TimeForMe View Post

our friends tell him how they were so afraid to be around me because they never knew what would "set me off" and they're glad they don't have to walk on eggshells anymore.

.

I'm sorry. I went through similar conversations (for years, it seems) with my AXBF, wherein he told me that "our" friends said this thing or that thing about me -- that I'm a drag, for ex, or that I'm too negative. I wonder how truthful it is, and if it is just part of the addict's manipulations. He would only bring up our friends' dislike of me in heated fights and during some text convos after we broke up. I wondered if he was feeding them lies about us/me to make them dislike me, or if they never even said anything at all.

At any rate, what I'm implying is that it may not be that your mutual friends are simply choosing him over you because they just like him better; he may have turned them against you by painting you in a bad light, or they may actually not feel that way about you at all, and he's lying to you...If he is an alcoholic mess and they are sober, likely they can see his issues...

Anyway, just solidarity in that. It really hurt when he would say those things to me and eroded my self-esteem, made me feel broken and unlikeable. I still feel that way sometimes. Because I am not neurotypical and know that I sometimes seem weird or standoffish -- and I am a pessimist -- so he was playing on my very real insecurities. But it is manipulation at best and abuse at worst -- things said to others solely with the intent to hurt should not be taken at face value -- so try to just take those comments as indicative of the reason(s) you left him and allow them to contribute to the relief you feel at being free, even as you grieve the marriage.
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Old 01-15-2016, 05:22 AM
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TFM, I wouldn't give too much credit to your AH's stories of what your friends say about you. It sounds like he's projecting his own thoughts onto them. Also remember they'll probably say what he wants to hear to his face and keep their thoughts to themselves.

You say you withdrew from your mutual friends, but they might be missing you. Or you can join some groups and get out there with other people. It's not easy, but your have a new life to build, even if it feels hard to do.
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Old 01-15-2016, 05:38 AM
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"When I left, I withdrew from friends. He didn't. He's been going out, meeting people, and seems to be enjoying himself. He and I are still friendly (now that he is past the anger of me "treating him so terribly"), and he tells me that our friends tell him how they were so afraid to be around me because they never knew what would "set me off" and they're glad they don't have to walk on eggshells anymore."


^^^^^^^^Your Ex sounds like a jerk@@@^^^^^^^
I guess I'm confused as to WHY you would want to be friends with him. Does it really matter what these so called mutual friends of yours think?? You know the truth! That's all that really matters.
I am so sorry you are hurting. many of us here know how you feel and sometimes even still feel that loss but the good news is you are OUT OF THAT SITUATION of walking on eggshells, you have started to move forward with your life. Leave that craziness right where it is, pick your chin up and go this way>>>>>!
I am rooting for you!!! Now get to it!

Last edited by Lilro; 01-15-2016 at 05:39 AM. Reason: Paragraphing
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Old 01-15-2016, 06:41 AM
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Are there any friends in your group you're particularly close with that you feel you'd like to keep? Were they yours first or his first?

I think he's likely spinning a web. My XAH even told me things my own brother supposedly said that hurt really deeply and felt like a betrayal...that he never actually said. My X was positioning himself to keep feeling good and hurt me along the way, cutting off my support. They need to keep their facades going.

I found I didn't want to be friends with anyone who was still in his circle, because I didn't want our lives crossing at all.

I'd say, if you felt like any of these people could be a lasting friend, reach out. It may or may not become what you want.

If these people aren't true friends, seek new ones. One thing I found through all my drama is hat the real friends rise to the top and show their colors if you let them. The others weren't worth my time (sounds harsh, but they were unhealthy).

And remind yourself how amazing it is that you've taken these difficult steps to improve the only life you'll get...you're worth it!
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Old 01-15-2016, 06:50 AM
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I found once I was away from the chaos and had time to straighten out my thinking floods of stuffed emotions came flooding back. Sadness, anger, sorrow of things lost. I think it is part of taking the focus off the addict and refocusing on oneself.

Feel your feelings but you do not have to take any action because of them. Feelings are not facts but some facts invoke strong feelings.

I completely understand the friendship issue. I no longer have any close friends that I share my secrets, wishes and hopes with. I do miss it sometimes. I do have a very few friends that I know would be there for me if I ever needed anything but those took quite a while for me to build up. I just don't make friends easily. I am learning to be ok with doing things by myself.

"Good times" look differently to me now days, not good or bad, just different.

Just wanted to give you some support and let you know that I understand.
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Old 01-15-2016, 07:00 AM
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I am so sorry for your hurt.

I recommend that you go 100% no contact with him. That will help. You don't need to know what is going on in his life, that is not healthy. Do things for you. Get up, find something that interests you. Talk to other people who are interested in doing that as well. Painting nights have become a thing here, and people are having raving fun. Whatever it is, just do things for YOU.

You deserve more, but you have to get past the grief (and that is what you are feeling, grief), and move forward to work on you, your life, and your wellbeing.

Many hugs.
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Old 01-31-2016, 07:22 AM
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Thanks to everyone for their support and input. Lilro, your post made me laugh...thank you!!

It's been a couple weeks since I posted this, and (not surprisingly) things have been up and down with AH. The most recent incident ended with him texting me that he wish he never met me. At that point I called my lawyer and told him I wanted to move forward with the divorce. I am out of town for the week, so AH will be served with divorce papers this week.

So, I am getting settled in my new place and moving forward. As sad as I still get, I feel now like the white-knuckle panic feeling is gone (I didn't realize I felt that way until I didn't anymore). That's progress, right?
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Old 01-31-2016, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by TimeForMe View Post
At that point I called my lawyer and told him I wanted to move forward with the divorce. I am out of town for the week, so AH will be served with divorce papers this week.

So, I am getting settled in my new place and moving forward. As sad as I still get, I feel now like the white-knuckle panic feeling is gone (I didn't realize I felt that way until I didn't anymore). That's progress, right?
I think that's the relief that comes with getting OFF the fence and making a decision and moving forward. Up until that point, it's like you're weighing and measuring everything, pro and con, worrying about making the wrong choice. Once the choice is MADE, there is a huge sense of relief. You don't have to keep weighing/deciding (and that's far more exhausting than the work involved in moving forward once you've decided).

Sounds like you've made a great decision and now it can all be about YOU.
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Old 01-31-2016, 09:23 PM
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Hey soul sister, I'm right there with you.
According to my AH, I too am having a mid-life crisis, which started when I left him in November. Somehow all of the many, many, many times I told him I was going to leave if he continued on the same path have nothing to do with it.

Whatever he wants to call it, I call it a mid-life revival. I agree that it's tough, and that one finds out who one's true friends are, but all I have to do is review my journals of the last 7 years to realize how very very glad I am to be out and putting my toes into a new life.

Are you a reader? There are some helpful books on what we're going through, including "Warrior Goddess Training" (the title makes me cringe but the book is good) and "Life After Divorce: Create a New Beginning."
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Old 02-01-2016, 02:43 AM
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TFM, glad to hear you're feeling brighter and seeing the good side of having control of your life and home.
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Old 02-01-2016, 02:54 AM
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Keep in mind that the "friends" see one side of things.

he tells me that our friends tell him how they were so afraid to be around me because they never knew what would "set me off" and they're glad they don't have to walk on eggshells anymore.

It doesn't really matter if its true or not but lets just day it is. Its one thing to hang out with a drunk at a bar or social situation, and another to live with one. They don't get that as you watched him drink more and perhaps become funnier, or more engaging - that you knew what the night would bring later once the "party" was over. Maybe you were tense, maybe you did get upset. No one can understand what living with an alcoholic is like unless they see the behind the scenes crap. There is also no telling what he is telling them. A's are masterful at manipulation, denial and having a pity party. More reason to get bombed!

Glad you have gone no contact, and filed for divorce.
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Old 02-01-2016, 07:12 AM
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^ can't repeat that enough-it is one thing to be friends with a drunk, it's a whole other ball game to be married to one and have to deal with the fallout.
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Old 02-01-2016, 08:57 AM
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TimeFor Me,

I am so sorry for all the sadness and pain that you are currently living.

Sometimes the most challenging part of life is accepting what we already know.

Try not to allow meaningless words of others to control YOU, in the big picture of life, those folks simply do not matter.

You do have the choice to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and take this opportunity to build new and meaningful friendships with people that truly will care about you, people who will add value to your life.

You truly deserve better, friend. Take a huge leap of faith, believe in yourself, a better life awaits. I understand your sad today, please know, you will not always feel like this.

Post all you want, we do understand how you are feeling.

Chin up, better days ahead.
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Old 02-01-2016, 11:16 AM
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Do you think you can begin getting involved in new activities where you can meet new people and build up the good feelings again?

A few months ago I pushed myself to begin doing more for me, and Im beginning to feel some returns on that investment now. More confident and better about myself. Try a gym, yoga, an art class? Something to lift your spirits.

Id also say a therapist might help you work on the loss of the marriage. Its been something helpful to me in the past and Im looking to start again.
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