CarmenLove

I had an email from my STBXH today.

In October he said that he would take care of the divorce. I didn't really believe him because I don't trust his word anymore.

When I left he claimed to be in recovery, however to me it definitely looked like using.

The email today was completely different. He said he has been sorting out the divorce, he has filled out the paperwork and that he put the reason as his unreasonable behaviour.

I am flabberghasted. This is the most proactive I have seen him be in years!

He also said that after the winter he would sell our car and give me half the money.

I was not expecting this.

I am pleased. I really didn't have the money to pay for the divorce, and I am also feeling very sad and a lot of grief, and slightly confused about this sudden looking change of gears.

I am pretty sure he is seeing someone else, although that is his business.

I don't know if he is in recovery, again his business.

We had some communication back and forth.

He actually said he wants to 'do the right thing'. ???!!! Jaw drops.

I am pleased for him although I am feeling confused about this sudden new morality and proactive approach.

I asked if he cared about us before and he said of course he did, without a doubt. I said I still cared and that I also know we need to get divorced.

He said lots of happy memories and divorce is 'the right thing'.

I do genuinely want the best for him, and so I am pleased he is moving on, and also it is best for me and a relief to have that burden of worry lifted.

It just feels weird though, that he is finally going to be the one who does this. That he is suddenly acting like the adult here, when he hasn't been for so long.

Is he making some kind of amends?

There was me feeling so guilty and worrying if he would have money to feed him and the dog and suddenly he has enough money to pay for the divorce??!!

Feeling confused although also quietly positive - and also grief stricken - what a mixture of emotions tonight!

If only he had been this proactive about his recovery and fixing our marriage.

Oh well.

It is me now who needs to be just as sternly proactive about 'my' recovery, and I am.

I got a new 2nd hand little car and am moving in to a new place on Monday.

It's just going to feel real weird when those divorce papers drop through my door. Don't get me wrong I am REALLY pleased not to have to pay for this.

It's just stirring up mixed feelings and also making me question myself a little, although I KNOW there is no going back, nor would I want to. The relationship was shot and as far as I could see he was not in recovery.

CarmenLove

Oh I forgot to say, he said his unreasonable behaviour was 'what happened in (the place we lived)' as though it was a one off incident.

From where I am standing I see the addiction as an on-going issue throughout our marriage, not a one time incident, however I didn't see any productiveness in pointing this out, especially as we are wrapping this marriage up and this is the the most I have ever seen him take responsibility as yet.

I'm not sure what is happening.

*I* have been taking responsibility for my parts over the last few months, and even made some amends to him for something I did... perhaps that has triggered some good here?

CarmenLove

Is he finally taking responsibility?

He has actually looked into this, thought it through, begun filling out the papers and admitted it was his fault.

This is HUGE isn't it?

ella213

Hi Carmen! Sounds like he's taking some responsibility at least. If he does have a new outlook and is clean and doing well, what does that mean for you? I mean in practical terms? Does it change anything in your life?

CarmenLove

Hi Ella,

Thanks for the reply.

In practical terms I don't think it changes anything now. Except that if he WAS really clean AND working a recovery program then I wouldn't have asked for a divorce.

So I always thought that if a miracle occurred and he did clean up, he would share it with me so that we could discuss whether there was a way to fix our marriage (and I am not saying that there would be).

Instead he has just moved on and I feel sad / grief.

Perhaps it was just a fantasy that somewhere deep inside I still clung on to.

I am just grieving my marriage, the man I married and our plans.

It feels really raw right now.

Ruby2

Hang in there. I have often imagined that at some point I will file for divorce from my husband after dealing with his addiction for years and then he will suddenly get sober, act responsibly and live a good life. That thought makes me sad because it was what I had hoped for. The reality is that no one knows if he'll get sober, divorced or not. Do I want to wait for that to happen?

It's okay to grieve the marriage and the hopes that you had.

AnvilheadII

what i see is a lot of is.........HE SAID......
He said he has been sorting out the divorce
He also said that after the winter he would sell our car and give me half the money
He actually said he wants to 'do the right thing'
He said lots of happy memories and divorce is 'the right thing'

If only he had been this proactive about his recovery and fixing our marriage

Carmen, so far he hasn't DONE anything! he hasn't FILED, but he says he filled out the paperwork. it remains to be seen how long it will take to go from A to B. and you don't know what he may put in the divorce petition.

i'm not trying to rain on your parade, however i sense this interchange has set you back a little bit. you're seeing an amends, you're seeing progress, you're wondering why NOW?

time will tell and more shall be revealed.

CarmenLove

Anvilhead -

Yes you have it exactly.

I can tell though that he has actually read about the divorce process and what steps are needed by the way he was speaking, which is far more than he ever did before.

He was looking for our marriage certificate (which I don't have) and stated the reason he has ticked for the divorce, which was that HE behaved unreasonably.

It HAS set me back, I AM wondering why now...

I will be OK though.

Thank you for your reply, it helps - I feel understood.