How to help my dad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
Posts: 369
How to help my dad
So my father has been drinking for about 30 years. All of his professional life. He would drink nearly everyday and fairly heavily probably averaging at a bottle of wine a night plus. He led a very successful professional career and built up a great reputation for himself working in the city. He provided a great home and upbringing for me and my sister and my mum.
Since his retirement however, his drinking hasn't necessarily got worse in the sense that he isn't drinking anymore than he used to. But the effect it is having on him health wise is starting to show. He is anxious, irritable and stressed every morning and throughout the day until he gets his first drink, he has high blood pressure and his gait is a little off. He is 61 but seems very frail to me and his face is very red in colour.
Worse though is the fact that in octoberlast year he had a fall down the stairs when he was drunk, the doctors on examination thought that he had hit his head and there may have been a bleed on his brain. It was said to him that he must either stick to two glasses of alcohol a day or not drink at all. So of course he took the first option. He can't however stick to two glAsses. He goes to the pub nearly every evening where I expect he drinks two or three drinks and then if he comes home, he will polish off a bottle. The drinking has started to affect his balance and so I am worried every time he ascends the stairs that he's going to fall down them. He has also developed a terrible coughing/choking fits - I have no idea if these are alcohol related or not.
I basiaclly feel as though I am waiting for him to die. I have made my frustration with the drinking clear but he just says he's only having a couple of drinks and that it's not a big deal.
I don't know what to do and how to get the message across that this is really hurting me and my mother who is also very worried about him. I appreciate he's not an all day drinking type of alcoholic and he doesn't have major health crises, but it just feels like he's slowly heading towards the end and it's not if but when. I can't live like this anymore.
So do I emotionally detach? Or try a different approach? Any suggestions would be very appreciated. I know it's a long post so if anyone takes the time to read it I am so grateful. I used to post on this site regularly as a recovering alcoholic myself and now have two years sober but I feel like this could be the right forum for me now....
Many thanks in advance! Happy new year
Since his retirement however, his drinking hasn't necessarily got worse in the sense that he isn't drinking anymore than he used to. But the effect it is having on him health wise is starting to show. He is anxious, irritable and stressed every morning and throughout the day until he gets his first drink, he has high blood pressure and his gait is a little off. He is 61 but seems very frail to me and his face is very red in colour.
Worse though is the fact that in octoberlast year he had a fall down the stairs when he was drunk, the doctors on examination thought that he had hit his head and there may have been a bleed on his brain. It was said to him that he must either stick to two glasses of alcohol a day or not drink at all. So of course he took the first option. He can't however stick to two glAsses. He goes to the pub nearly every evening where I expect he drinks two or three drinks and then if he comes home, he will polish off a bottle. The drinking has started to affect his balance and so I am worried every time he ascends the stairs that he's going to fall down them. He has also developed a terrible coughing/choking fits - I have no idea if these are alcohol related or not.
I basiaclly feel as though I am waiting for him to die. I have made my frustration with the drinking clear but he just says he's only having a couple of drinks and that it's not a big deal.
I don't know what to do and how to get the message across that this is really hurting me and my mother who is also very worried about him. I appreciate he's not an all day drinking type of alcoholic and he doesn't have major health crises, but it just feels like he's slowly heading towards the end and it's not if but when. I can't live like this anymore.
So do I emotionally detach? Or try a different approach? Any suggestions would be very appreciated. I know it's a long post so if anyone takes the time to read it I am so grateful. I used to post on this site regularly as a recovering alcoholic myself and now have two years sober but I feel like this could be the right forum for me now....
Many thanks in advance! Happy new year
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Congratulations on your two years sober -- what an amazing accomplishment. I'm so sorry that you have the need to visit our side of the board, but I am very glad that you are here.
Have either you or your mother been to Al-Anon?
Have either you or your mother been to Al-Anon?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
Posts: 369
Thanks for your reply! it is a great shame indeed. My dad is an amazing man in many ways and I'd just hate to see him go down in this way.
We haven't no, but it's something I may look into. Is it a similar format to an AA meeting where people share their stories?
it is a great shame indeed. My dad is an amazing man in many ways and I'd just hate to see him go down in this way.We haven't no, but it's something I may look into. Is it a similar format to an AA meeting where people share their stories?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think it's worth looking into. It's definitely similar to AA.
Learning to let go of my alcoholic mother was very painful. As far as I know she actually has quit drinking, but hasn't chosen to engage with life anymore than she did when she was too drunk to do so. Ultimately I had to accept that she has every right to live her life the way she chooses, even if it's not what I want for her or how I would want to live. The best I can do is protect myself from the consequences of her choices, and manage my own expectations of her so I do not build resentment.
Learning to let go of my alcoholic mother was very painful. As far as I know she actually has quit drinking, but hasn't chosen to engage with life anymore than she did when she was too drunk to do so. Ultimately I had to accept that she has every right to live her life the way she chooses, even if it's not what I want for her or how I would want to live. The best I can do is protect myself from the consequences of her choices, and manage my own expectations of her so I do not build resentment.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Scotland
Posts: 9
My story is shockingly similar to yours. My mother and father have been lifetime drinkers and I've seen some pretty horrible things domestic violence etc. My father retired a year ago and now he's a daily drinker and his blood pressure is Sky high along with other problems . I have learned to accept he is too old to change and no matter what happens I can't change him . All I can do this s let him know I care and dissaprove but I can't cut him off as if anything happened and we weren't talking I could never forgive myself. It kills me to watch it
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Welcome! So sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us Alanon seems like it would be tremendously helpful for you. Format is similar to AA except you'll have other folks dealing with parent/child issues sitting next to you. Congrats on your sobriety
Alanon seems like it would be tremendously helpful for you. Format is similar to AA except you'll have other folks dealing with parent/child issues sitting next to you. Congrats on your sobriety
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Being able to voice your concerns and share with others can help you de-stress. You might also consider getting some advice from a therapist, one who is trained in addiction. If your dads health is slipping there might be some ideas on intervention, how to get him to explore his own patterns. Have you looked into Smart Recovery yet? Might be of interest to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
My father was always a daily drinker since my earliest memory-some days drunk at home and abusjve as heck-some days just normal drinking (if normal is a few too many drinks each night!). He was an extremely successful business professional but treated us like dirt a lot of the time-other times he tried to make up for that (in my mind that's how I saw it) and could be great. I hated what alcohol did to him and my mom and our family. Fast forward to when he retired (almost 20 years ago) and his drinking escalated greatly. He had already dropped out of life and his only social interaction was work. He dropped all outside hobbies and started drinking more and more and earlier in the day. Some days I call now and he's drunk at 11am. About 8 years ago he was diagnosed with cancer (beat it) and has always had extremely high blood pressure. He's had many falls lately while drunk - one in the pool and one down the stairs. He's 78. I cannot go anything to change his choices and it's sure as hell not my job to clean up his mess-or help my mom clean up his mess as it's her choice to stay living with his chaos. (I would gladly help her leave or go to alanon or anything that would benefit her but I refuse to help enable her dysfunction either). Alanon helped me with that relationship as well as my marriage. I would highly recommend alanon or celebrate recovery-for you and your mom. There are also many books on codependence and detachment, enabling, etc-I also highly recommend talking with a therapist skilled in addiction and it's affects on family members. I'm sorry for why you find yourself here...but kudos to you for reaching out and being open to changing ! Also, huge high five on your sobriety!! Peace to you
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