Hardwood253

I have heard that when it is your time to go (die) that you will smell smoke or something burning, even though there is nothing burning. I have seen tv shows etc about this..interesting.

I have been more honest tonight than I have been in the last 14 months with anybody,....so why hold back.

Lately(last couple months), I have been smelling smoke or something burning, and nothing is. I know for a fact that the benders I have been on lately.(up for 4 days straight..sleep 3 hours...up at 7...do a snort and keep on it all day...up for another couple days etc...and don't eat) these benders should have killed me...but I don;t need to tell you guys that..you know. Tonight I feel very T I R E D. Even with all the crap in my body. I always wonder when I go to bed after a big week long bender if I will wake up. Usually when I wake up I look in the mirror and say "holy ****,,,I am still alive..one more chance losser" I then look in the mirror. And I can see TOMB Stones in my eyes. (those of you that have seen them know what I mean) I remember being clean a few years and a new fellow told me about Tomb Stones in his eyes. I could not relate..as I had not seen them. LET ME TELL YOU....WHEN YOU SEE THEM....IT WILL SCARE THE S H I T OUT OF YOU. but then the mind does not work right and i do the same old same old.

Thanks guys.........Hope to post with ya tomorrwow.... Normally I would be crying right now.......so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I am
EMOTIONLESS....Crying will come tomorrwow....
Thanks

best

Have never heard of the smoke smell thing but do know the emotionless feeling and that feeling of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Thing with me though... I had started reading the bible a few months before those feelings hit me. Felt I was on a life's high without using and then had the world crash in. Was I ever so glad that I was starting a connection with God at that time.
Empty of emotions and sick and tired.... I called out to Him and was answered by His love filling me where I was void of emotions.
Yes you are so right as you stated in another post... Others are always there when we seek them for help and He is always there as well. Every minute of every day.... just need ask and His help is there.

Hardwood253

I too have cryed out for help to God and friends and family in the past. It was Jan 1997..And I got the help from God (who I did not even believe in at the time) but he believed in me...got help from family etc.

I am AFRAID to as God for help this time.....Why???because I have learned that help comes in many many forms......Asked for help once at 6 months clean...Was driving down the highway heading for pushers house...doing 120 on the speedometre...Simply asked God to help me stay away from his house tonight and to keep me safe........lol.....2 minute later I rolled the truck in the ditch at 120 kmh. I got up and walked away from a truck that was totaled and did not ever resemble a truck anymore......oh ya....I stayed away from pushers house ever since.....coincidence..NOT...I should have been dead in that accident...smiles....I had forgotten all about that....wow..I am remembering a lot of things tonight..

Thanks again guys..S M I L E S

best

Yes I have proof read a prayer or 4 over time myself. *LOL*

I have even asked with the understanding of what could be then added a PLEASE all the more.

Please if You can see to handle this in other ways...give me the added strength because we both know the other ways will take longer to sink into my thick head.

Still though I am ever so greatful for the proverbial 2 by 4s off the back of the head. Some times that is the only way I listen and learn. God knows what works.

splendra

(((((Hardwood)))))-

I do not believe that smoke thing...... anyway hang in there....

Morning Glory

You guys might not be crying, but you have me crying.

Welcome Hardwood253.

I'll be praying for you and I'm glad you are here.

Hugs,
MG

Shakur T.

Sounds like clear evidence of a Power greater than yourself working in your life..We can trust this power long before we understand it. I'm praying for you.

Peace

Sandy Marie

Hi Hardwood,
Glad to see your back today. Listen to Splendra on the smoke thing...she's a bright cookie. You're doing the right thing by asking for help, Hardwood. Life goes by in a flash and you don't want to be sitting on the side of the road waiting for life to start. I hope you'll find support and guidance at SR, but that you'll also get into a recovery program such as AA, NA, or other. It just takes a step a day to move in a forward direction. Don't put it off. Your life is valuable. Hope to hear from you again soon.
Sandy

Anna

Hi Hardwood,

I'm glad you're here today and it sounds like the time is right for you to take care of yourself. We're here to offer support and I hope you keep hanging around here. Be kind to yourself.

Love, Anna

Brookie

Welcome ((Hardwood)). How you doing today?

Paulie

I have never heard of that smoke thing either. You made it through the night, you are not alone. We are here and we will support you and help you in any way we can.

I too am glad you are here.

Rowan

Hi Hardwood
Welcome to SR from another Canuck; I'm in Barrie and I'm glad you're here.
Please keep posting and let us know how today is for you. ((((hugs))))
God Bless!
Love Rowan

Dan

I smelled the smoke I think... Once. Maybe twice.
Or maybe it was my mind wishing I could smell it.
I know that tired feeling you're talking about I think. Almost like a belief that we'll never really rest again.
I hope today finds you a little rested, and that the tears flow, bringing you a measure of relief. I'm in Ontario too.
Thanks for posting Hardwood.

Sandy Marie

****{DAN}}},
I think you were making a joke there. I can never figure you out!

Dan

No joke. Hardwood's post simply took me back to the darkest hours of my addiction. I know exactly that place he describes. And it still chills me to no end. I've seen addicts and alcoholics practicaly will themselves into a slow death, if only for the purpose of feeling something, anything. That word, emotionless... That's a state of being I never want to experience again.

Sandy Marie

THAT IS SCARY! Apologies...I take back the big laugh. But you can keep your name.

Hardwood253

Dan..thanks for sharring. I can tell that you know EXACTLY how I felt last night. Not only to I NEVER want to experience it again, I would not wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

Thanks to all of you for your posts. It will take me all night to read them, but I will not need anything to keep my mind busy as it will be busy enough.

candleburner70

hardwood, the only way to trully get help is to be honest with your self and all of us at this site. nobody is here to jugde just give support. as i have read your post sounds like you have really been through it i almost feel stupid thinking that my little vicodin perscription pill addiction as i see and feel it is so bad that i cannot kick this. but it is. as i have spent alot of time on my couch for the last week.(for those of you who do not know a nacartic such as vicodin is so addiction the withdrawls are that of heroin. i have done in in a rehab center 4 different times.felt like a pro decided to just do it under doc's advice with med's to avoid the violent vomiiting and horrible body cramps and twitching. i know i went of on a tangent just wanted everybody to know why iam so tired and havent been out of the house for days and please if you get nothing else out of what i have to say everybody who is in site has an addictive personality, don't when, not if get clean in sobor don't get caught up in the pills it is the one drug that most of the time doesn't land you completly at the bottom homless and potentieally putting your self in harms way by being up for days or driving drunk ect.. but is still an addiction just as bad as yours just different situations and as you can see there is not alot of people on this site with a perscription addiction at least what i have read. it does feel differnt because we live such normal lives and we tell our selves it is ok it is leagally i in the begining did think that and as i went to na meeting my thoughts were always blocked by i was different and never got much out of them now i know we are all the same bottom line. and as i was saying as i was laying on my couch watching tv today a show came on with a man talking about how a certain situation brought his wonderful prospurise life to a halt through an accident. and as he talked about how you don't relize what or how precious life is and what it really all means, family, treating people with love and respect as you want to be treated, support, true friends which are hard to find. you get my drift it really made me be thankful that as long as i have been controled by this drug and probobly as well as i thought i have function i have drove 100's maybe 1000's of times with my kids in my car after taken what as many of doctors have told me was a lethal and toxin amount of narcotic and tylenol which is what the chemical making of the drug is. and some wonder why i havn't ending up in the hospital on an overdose. nor have i had any serious side effects or health problems. one lady called me a freak in a nice way and said sombody should do a study on me and my genes must be text book.my point is! i don't want that to be me i want to get it before somthing reversable happens which for most of us proboly will eventually if we do not reach deep and optain the motivation, knowledge of what triggers usto numb our selves with drugs or alchol and how to avoid them and i trully believe just completelly be tired of being tired and not the people we were put on this earth to trully be is the revalation at least for me to live sobor. i think i have reached that point .this time really is differnt for me not easy by any means and may be talking out of my ass but iam very determined to get it right this time. the drive to do it for myself and not my husband, my kids, my parent. or because i think it will eventually kill me and we all never believe it will be us those things happen to other people. i logged on tonight to just say a few things i guess i really needed to vent and have found myself mostly talking about myself which wasn't my intent. i hope sombody got somthing out of what i had to say. being sobor is ubtaniable i have seen it i think we just all have to want it enough dig deep and find your innerself and let it be you!!!!
normally i would go through and proof read,puncuate and spell things write.( i apoligize iam a horrible speller it is the one thing i just couldn't get in school) but iam very tierd and maybe after letting out things that needed to go i will sleep like a baby. and help you. thank you to the people who have started and mantained this site for those of us to chose to get help this way you may have saved my life this is the first time i have really poured out my feelings i was always to scared and embarresed in a meeting. and i know there are plenty more where i come from. it makes it so easy to really be honest iam sure give this is an inspiration to all who read even if they are still heavy in there addictions my experance has shown me it is all a matter of steps and faliuers to get there .props to the people who do it the first time i think you are the elite. anyway read throughmy bad grammer and punctiation weakness iam sure you get my message my pain and my advice iam not here to please anybody with proper skills i say this because my husband told me to spell and puncuate everything just perfectly because he is a perfectioist and a very good letter writer iam not and that is just me you'll have to accept that iam who iam like it or not. just trully pouring out my heart.good luck to all you are in my prayers and have faith we can do this.

candleburner70