How to forgive and be with someone after abuse and addiction?
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How to forgive and be with someone after abuse and addiction?
Hello,
My husband has been away from drugs and alcohol for almost three years. Initially he was a pot smoker and sedated himself. Later it was alcohol and cocaine which gave him "false power". The worst of this lasted for a year.
He went to therapy. Got a new job. Stopped with all his activities with his former drug contacts.
Now we have a very calm life. We both have good jobs and are financial secure. He is extremely supportive and encouraging. Our health is good. We have good friends and family.
If our relationship started today, it would be perfect.
BUT it didn't start today. It was almost a decade of substance abuse. In the last year when it was really bad. He would come home in a coke rage. Yelling and threatening me. Punching holes in walls. Breaking and throwing our possessions.
One night he tried to rape me but I fought him off and he blacked out.
He doesn't remember the black outs or the coke rage. He doesn't remember yelling at me. He knows that something happened because in the morning, stuff was broken. He definitely doesn't remember trying to rape me.
He has apologized a lot. A LOT. We are both in individual therapy.
I haven't had sex with him since that night.
What is wrong with me? I am attracted to other men and am climbing the wall with desire. I am still relatively young. I am not punishing him. I just can't bring myself to have sex with him.
He is a changed man. I love him very much. All of this is wonderful, but I still don't feel like being sexual with him.
I feel like he broke something in those years of drug addiction. And especially that night. Does anyone understand this? The thought of being sexual and vulnerable with him makes every cell in my body scream no. It has been three years and still I feel this way.
My husband has been away from drugs and alcohol for almost three years. Initially he was a pot smoker and sedated himself. Later it was alcohol and cocaine which gave him "false power". The worst of this lasted for a year.
He went to therapy. Got a new job. Stopped with all his activities with his former drug contacts.
Now we have a very calm life. We both have good jobs and are financial secure. He is extremely supportive and encouraging. Our health is good. We have good friends and family.
If our relationship started today, it would be perfect.
BUT it didn't start today. It was almost a decade of substance abuse. In the last year when it was really bad. He would come home in a coke rage. Yelling and threatening me. Punching holes in walls. Breaking and throwing our possessions.
One night he tried to rape me but I fought him off and he blacked out.
He doesn't remember the black outs or the coke rage. He doesn't remember yelling at me. He knows that something happened because in the morning, stuff was broken. He definitely doesn't remember trying to rape me.
He has apologized a lot. A LOT. We are both in individual therapy.
I haven't had sex with him since that night.
What is wrong with me? I am attracted to other men and am climbing the wall with desire. I am still relatively young. I am not punishing him. I just can't bring myself to have sex with him.
He is a changed man. I love him very much. All of this is wonderful, but I still don't feel like being sexual with him.
I feel like he broke something in those years of drug addiction. And especially that night. Does anyone understand this? The thought of being sexual and vulnerable with him makes every cell in my body scream no. It has been three years and still I feel this way.
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hello Broomhilde,
My RAH was just an alcoholic. He tried to rape me. He remembered it - or enough to know what he was apologizing about and why I was barricaded in the guest room with the dog and the kid. This event slowed down the drinking for a time. I called my parents and they blew me off. After that rejection, I really just froze and didn't do anything, which I now understand is quite common. I picked up and kept living my life.
This event has been thrown in the closet with other alcoholic and codependent bad behavior. I did say I was done if it ever happened again. It changed our sex life. It changed my trust in him. It changed everything.
Your trust in this man may be unable to recover. If this is how you feel - and this is in your gut - you may never get your heart to accept him again 100%. Even if he's a saint of recovery, sometimes the damage is too intimate to overcome. Honor your truth.
Hugs.
My RAH was just an alcoholic. He tried to rape me. He remembered it - or enough to know what he was apologizing about and why I was barricaded in the guest room with the dog and the kid. This event slowed down the drinking for a time. I called my parents and they blew me off. After that rejection, I really just froze and didn't do anything, which I now understand is quite common. I picked up and kept living my life.
This event has been thrown in the closet with other alcoholic and codependent bad behavior. I did say I was done if it ever happened again. It changed our sex life. It changed my trust in him. It changed everything.
Your trust in this man may be unable to recover. If this is how you feel - and this is in your gut - you may never get your heart to accept him again 100%. Even if he's a saint of recovery, sometimes the damage is too intimate to overcome. Honor your truth.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
I have had the experience of being sexual with my husband when he was under the influence. Not rape by any means but a feeling of being seen as an object and used. It messed with my mond and I am extremely sensitive to his sexual advances now because he's still using. I had to put in place boundaries so I can feel good about being with him.
Do you have other physical contact? Gone through another stage of courtship after he recovered? Id be inclined to try marriage counseling added to the individual, see if it can break through and revive your feelings for him
Do you have other physical contact? Gone through another stage of courtship after he recovered? Id be inclined to try marriage counseling added to the individual, see if it can break through and revive your feelings for him
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It's not often I'm left with little to say, but this is one of those times.
I am relieved that you are in therapy, and my hope is you're sorting out all of this with your therapist. I do believe, however, that when a traumatic event happens (like when he attempted to rape you), our brain chemistry is forever altered. So it makes sense that since that day, you don't trust him. Will you ever again? I don't know.
Just be kind to yourself going forward, and please keep us in the loop as to how you're doing.
I am relieved that you are in therapy, and my hope is you're sorting out all of this with your therapist. I do believe, however, that when a traumatic event happens (like when he attempted to rape you), our brain chemistry is forever altered. So it makes sense that since that day, you don't trust him. Will you ever again? I don't know.
Just be kind to yourself going forward, and please keep us in the loop as to how you're doing.
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Thank you for the responses. Until the last year, I wasn't even able to pin point the day I stopped respecting or trusting him. Even now, there is a big hesitation on my part when I use the word rape.
I think all of these are steps. Recognizing when I started to have these feelings. Labeling what happened and using the correct language.
I have started to research intimate partner assault... but most of the stories I am reading about... are from women that have left their relationships. There are trying to come to terms with what happened either in a new relationship or alone.
I love my husband very much. I grew up with him. And our current situation is the healthy relationship, I have always wanted. We can talk about everything. And he believes that I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for.
I have read the book about codependency and have really focused on my own life. My own happiness. Yet I some how forgot or was in denial about going from a very sexual being to someone that hasn't had sex with my husband for three years.
When I really think about it I want to scream at him for actually doing something that we possibly can't recover from. I forgave him for the drinking and substance abuse. Even when he broke property and made me scared for my safety. My father was a heavy drinker. I know how to cope with this type of abuse.
But I didn't have trauma or strange feelings about my body or sex life. This was a part of myself that I was very happy with. And now I have completely let this part of me die.
Sometimes I think 13 years in a relationship that's a long time. Maybe people don't have sex as frequently when they are together for so long. We have all of the other romantic stuff. Nice dates, dinners, vacations.
I thought I would ask here because unfortunately I suspect that in relationships where there has been substance abuse... there may be a past of violence. Maybe rape. I know that violence was present in my childhood.
I have only started to talk with my therapist about this. My therapy has been focused on being a survivor of childhood abuse (non sexual). I don't know if I trust my therapist enough to let her provide me with guidance about my relationship. Also an issue I need to resolve.
I think all of these are steps. Recognizing when I started to have these feelings. Labeling what happened and using the correct language.
I have started to research intimate partner assault... but most of the stories I am reading about... are from women that have left their relationships. There are trying to come to terms with what happened either in a new relationship or alone.
I love my husband very much. I grew up with him. And our current situation is the healthy relationship, I have always wanted. We can talk about everything. And he believes that I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for.
I have read the book about codependency and have really focused on my own life. My own happiness. Yet I some how forgot or was in denial about going from a very sexual being to someone that hasn't had sex with my husband for three years.
When I really think about it I want to scream at him for actually doing something that we possibly can't recover from. I forgave him for the drinking and substance abuse. Even when he broke property and made me scared for my safety. My father was a heavy drinker. I know how to cope with this type of abuse.
But I didn't have trauma or strange feelings about my body or sex life. This was a part of myself that I was very happy with. And now I have completely let this part of me die.
Sometimes I think 13 years in a relationship that's a long time. Maybe people don't have sex as frequently when they are together for so long. We have all of the other romantic stuff. Nice dates, dinners, vacations.
I thought I would ask here because unfortunately I suspect that in relationships where there has been substance abuse... there may be a past of violence. Maybe rape. I know that violence was present in my childhood.
I have only started to talk with my therapist about this. My therapy has been focused on being a survivor of childhood abuse (non sexual). I don't know if I trust my therapist enough to let her provide me with guidance about my relationship. Also an issue I need to resolve.
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I have only started to talk with my therapist about this. My therapy has been focused on being a survivor of childhood abuse (non sexual). I don't know if I trust my therapist enough to let her provide me with guidance about my relationship. Also an issue I need to resolve.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Hi- I'm no longer with my XAH...but I can tell you that after some of the traumatic sexual things that occurred with him, I completely froze. For a very long time I wasn't sure if I'd ever enjoy sex again, and any time he approached it I'd almost black out and "leave" my body. And no matter what transpired with him, I couldn't unlock that piece of myself with him, because he had violated my deepest self.
I know drugs alter a person's state. His eyes alone were crazy at times. But for me, the physical memory of past events wouldn't allow my body and mind to ever come together again with him. It wasn't even a choice.
In fact, I wondered if it would ever come together again at all. I used to joke to my friends that "you can have the body or the mind but not both"... I was so afraid that part of me was forever broken. Like a turbocharged defense mechanism.
Happy to report that I did put them back together again
It took some major healing and a few body-onlys to help get there...sorry if TMI...
But my XAH never reached the point you're at in terms of overall sobriety and a changed life. So that's very hard to imagine.
I CAN tell you I just ended a year-long relationship with a very good man who I discovered is an alcoholic, who wasn't progressing in sobriety ...and he only had one moment of terrifying rage (when I asked him to move out)...with the crazy eyes...and it was on a MUCH smaller scale than what you experienced...but that moment alone made me feel I can never let him "in" again. He's doing all the right things, apparently working the steps, trying so hard...but I believe that rage is in there somewhere. So for me, there's likely no going back with him even if he cleans up perfectly.
WAY different than a long term marriage with someone who has come so far...
You're in a tough spot. If it were me and I truly loved my husband and our lives, I'd try more extensive therapy. That might help you find if you'll be able to make it through this. And I'd feel no shame either if I discovered I couldn't do it. Lots of couples split up and slowly find their way back to each other too...
You are an amazing woman!
I know drugs alter a person's state. His eyes alone were crazy at times. But for me, the physical memory of past events wouldn't allow my body and mind to ever come together again with him. It wasn't even a choice.
In fact, I wondered if it would ever come together again at all. I used to joke to my friends that "you can have the body or the mind but not both"... I was so afraid that part of me was forever broken. Like a turbocharged defense mechanism.
Happy to report that I did put them back together again
It took some major healing and a few body-onlys to help get there...sorry if TMI...But my XAH never reached the point you're at in terms of overall sobriety and a changed life. So that's very hard to imagine.
I CAN tell you I just ended a year-long relationship with a very good man who I discovered is an alcoholic, who wasn't progressing in sobriety ...and he only had one moment of terrifying rage (when I asked him to move out)...with the crazy eyes...and it was on a MUCH smaller scale than what you experienced...but that moment alone made me feel I can never let him "in" again. He's doing all the right things, apparently working the steps, trying so hard...but I believe that rage is in there somewhere. So for me, there's likely no going back with him even if he cleans up perfectly.
WAY different than a long term marriage with someone who has come so far...
You're in a tough spot. If it were me and I truly loved my husband and our lives, I'd try more extensive therapy. That might help you find if you'll be able to make it through this. And I'd feel no shame either if I discovered I couldn't do it. Lots of couples split up and slowly find their way back to each other too...
You are an amazing woman!
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Wow. That's a very deep injury. And, more common than we know as many rapes are just not reported, including spousal rape. I've spoken with several rape victims and survivors of sexual abuse/assault have confided in me. When it comes to sex and intimacy they are understandably guarded even when they try not to be. It's a wound at a very deep core. They may truly want/desire intimacy, but unable to allow it to happen.
Sure you can forgive him... But at another level the wound has not completely healed. Three years is a long time to not have sex with your partner! Having a sexual desire that is never fulfilled is a very hard thing to live with too! I guess it might different and a little easier to bear if you weren't desiring it. But desiring it and never getting it can lead to you being unhealthy and not whole.
I think rape needs to be treated as PTSD...so I would recommend professional counseling for it and if your counselor isn't helping you with that, maybe find a counselor who specializes in PTSD. You also might want to consider getting help from a sex therapist.
Sure you can forgive him... But at another level the wound has not completely healed. Three years is a long time to not have sex with your partner! Having a sexual desire that is never fulfilled is a very hard thing to live with too! I guess it might different and a little easier to bear if you weren't desiring it. But desiring it and never getting it can lead to you being unhealthy and not whole.
I think rape needs to be treated as PTSD...so I would recommend professional counseling for it and if your counselor isn't helping you with that, maybe find a counselor who specializes in PTSD. You also might want to consider getting help from a sex therapist.
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Coming from a childhood where there was a lot of substance abuse. I understand that someone can be sober and slip back into it.
My husband is making an honest effort to not fall back into addiction. It has been three years, yet I still get a bit on edgy when he is out with friends or maybe late coming home at night. I get less nervous every time he comes home sober.
And I have also built enough of a life for myself that if he does slip back into abusing substances I will leave.
With sex, it has become so complicated.
Over the last three years, I have started to substitute food for sex. So I have gained about 30 pounds. I think also the weight has become this protective barrier from feeling feminine and not being vulnerable.
I have always been a very healthy weight and had a fairly devoted work out routine. I work in health care so I have a lot of knowledge about healthy eating and exercise.
I don't want to put so much importance on that year when it was really bad and on that day. Especially that day. But I have.
Part of me wants to shake it off me like a bad fall. In the last month, I have even started imagining my bed time routine as....
a count right before you jump into a double dutch.....
I am going to talk with my therapist about how I don't feel like she is the right fit. And maybe find someone that can help me with these issues. Maybe a sex therapist.
I would go to group therapy because I have found that to be a powerful experience. Even though there is stigma towards substance abuse... I have a lot of hesitation opening up about that night. I actually haven't told anyone outside of my therapist and this forum.
My friends are wonderful. I suspect they would completely lose their minds, if they found out it got that bad.
To "PRAYING":
"Happy to report that I did put them back together again It took some major healing and a few body-onlys to help get there...sorry if TMI..."
How did you put yourself back together? What are body-onlys? Do you mean masturbation? Sorry is that crass? I have done this for myself already (lol). But sadly, I get this overwhelming feeling of rage/shame/hatred during. It helps to take the edge off some what. But what I miss is being intimate and vulnerable with a partner.
My husband is making an honest effort to not fall back into addiction. It has been three years, yet I still get a bit on edgy when he is out with friends or maybe late coming home at night. I get less nervous every time he comes home sober.
And I have also built enough of a life for myself that if he does slip back into abusing substances I will leave.
With sex, it has become so complicated.
Over the last three years, I have started to substitute food for sex. So I have gained about 30 pounds. I think also the weight has become this protective barrier from feeling feminine and not being vulnerable.
I have always been a very healthy weight and had a fairly devoted work out routine. I work in health care so I have a lot of knowledge about healthy eating and exercise.
I don't want to put so much importance on that year when it was really bad and on that day. Especially that day. But I have.
Part of me wants to shake it off me like a bad fall. In the last month, I have even started imagining my bed time routine as....
a count right before you jump into a double dutch.....
I am going to talk with my therapist about how I don't feel like she is the right fit. And maybe find someone that can help me with these issues. Maybe a sex therapist.
I would go to group therapy because I have found that to be a powerful experience. Even though there is stigma towards substance abuse... I have a lot of hesitation opening up about that night. I actually haven't told anyone outside of my therapist and this forum.
My friends are wonderful. I suspect they would completely lose their minds, if they found out it got that bad.
To "PRAYING":
"Happy to report that I did put them back together again It took some major healing and a few body-onlys to help get there...sorry if TMI..."
How did you put yourself back together? What are body-onlys? Do you mean masturbation? Sorry is that crass? I have done this for myself already (lol). But sadly, I get this overwhelming feeling of rage/shame/hatred during. It helps to take the edge off some what. But what I miss is being intimate and vulnerable with a partner.
Last edited by broomhilde; 01-13-2016 at 05:28 PM. Reason: edit also to always. wrong word. helps to clarify my sentence
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My now deceased alcoholic ex-husband abused me in every way. I used to wrap myself up in a blanket like a sausage and drop into bed so that he could not 'get' to me. It was a horrible time where there was no security. His anger just made it so much worse. Eventually he would tear thru and rape me. There is no forgiveness that I could ever experience. People think that you can forgive anything ... and should ... but ... not when someone reaches inside of us and tears out what was so important. So vulnerable. So trusting. We find a way to live with it but it is something that no one can erase.
I moved beyond it, but not with him. It was impossible. I could be friends and cohabit ... but never allowed sex with him again.
I may have read things wrong but I feel that you are suspecting that he will relapse. Perhaps that is the reason that you cannot trust him enough to share intimacy with him ? There is nothing wrong with that. You have been wounded in a way that we don't ever think we will be and addiction is like maneuvering a mine field.
I suspect that PRAYING may mean, (bodyonly) one night stands ... ?
I hope that you can find what will work for you. Hugs, Joie
I moved beyond it, but not with him. It was impossible. I could be friends and cohabit ... but never allowed sex with him again.
I may have read things wrong but I feel that you are suspecting that he will relapse. Perhaps that is the reason that you cannot trust him enough to share intimacy with him ? There is nothing wrong with that. You have been wounded in a way that we don't ever think we will be and addiction is like maneuvering a mine field.
I suspect that PRAYING may mean, (bodyonly) one night stands ... ?
I hope that you can find what will work for you. Hugs, Joie
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
I'm sorry you ve gone through that .
I cannot imagine how hurt you are.
I have my husband who is a RA and has been sober 4 years.
I have never been raped but we live a sexless marriage as well.
It's been over 3 years .
Somehow that trust thing is so important.
He doesn't ask me but I don't ask him either.. I miss it as well but know I can't bring myself to go there with him.
We had this happen a few years back where we went years and then went to counselling....we actually got back on track then and had the best sex ever....but he withdrew again into his alcoholism. And no trust and back here lonely again. Even though he since stopped drinking.
Take care of you and remember there's nothing wrong with you....be kind to yourself
Your wounded and will guard against more hurt.
I cannot imagine how hurt you are.
I have my husband who is a RA and has been sober 4 years.
I have never been raped but we live a sexless marriage as well.
It's been over 3 years .
Somehow that trust thing is so important.
He doesn't ask me but I don't ask him either.. I miss it as well but know I can't bring myself to go there with him.
We had this happen a few years back where we went years and then went to counselling....we actually got back on track then and had the best sex ever....but he withdrew again into his alcoholism. And no trust and back here lonely again. Even though he since stopped drinking.
Take care of you and remember there's nothing wrong with you....be kind to yourself
Your wounded and will guard against more hurt.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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I am wondering if you just feel you can't bring yourself to have sex with her because of what she has done or if you feel this way toward most other women especially women that remind you of her. I think perhaps there is a "mental block" going on there and it could be just you who has the mental block, but it could also be her who for whatever reason isn't "the right fit" for you and the fact that she isn't the 'right fit' is hard to get past. It sounds like she is doing everything 'right' these days.
Sometimes our conscious as well as SUBconscious memories are tenacious and no matter how hard we try not to let those memories "rule". For it's been important to realize there are things I will never forget, but I don't have to allow certain memories to "be the boss".
For whatever reason, we end up feeling ASHAMED with regards to sexual issues and trespasses. Whether you were nearly raped or there has been infidelity. Whether we were the perp or the victim. We feel shame, whether we admit that we do or not, because that shame tends to go into subconscious areas....
Shame is a major roadblock, I feel, to having fulfilling sex. SEX itself tends to carry a certain amount of SHAME with it. Part of it is how we were raised and the attitudes of society, etc. It has so often been looked upon as "bad" and shameful. I think the shame needs to go bye-bye (at least during moments when one wants to have fulfilling sex.).
Then again, maybe you DON'T feel shame at all, you just don't get turned on anymore by your wife. I am really not sure how to tackle that one...
Sometimes our conscious as well as SUBconscious memories are tenacious and no matter how hard we try not to let those memories "rule". For it's been important to realize there are things I will never forget, but I don't have to allow certain memories to "be the boss".
For whatever reason, we end up feeling ASHAMED with regards to sexual issues and trespasses. Whether you were nearly raped or there has been infidelity. Whether we were the perp or the victim. We feel shame, whether we admit that we do or not, because that shame tends to go into subconscious areas....
Shame is a major roadblock, I feel, to having fulfilling sex. SEX itself tends to carry a certain amount of SHAME with it. Part of it is how we were raised and the attitudes of society, etc. It has so often been looked upon as "bad" and shameful. I think the shame needs to go bye-bye (at least during moments when one wants to have fulfilling sex.).
Then again, maybe you DON'T feel shame at all, you just don't get turned on anymore by your wife. I am really not sure how to tackle that one...
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Hi, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come back to this post...yes, what I meant was...I lightly dated some guys that would never get my heart and soul and tested the physical waters with them...because for me it was much "safer" to allow that physical intimacy without letting the emotional side into it. I don't know if that's a good approach for others or not, but for me...it was like taking baby steps to teach my body to enjoy it again and be open to it. My mind and emotions had worked through a lot of therapy, but my body had a memory that took some physical retraining...
Probably TMI, but you can't learn to ride a bike by reading how...and what it did for me was help me retrain my physical responses so I didn't block it out, hate it, or resent it...all reactions I didn't want to bring into a new REAL relationship--
Some people go the route of finding the trusted emotional relationship first and building sex in when it's a safe place emotionally. I wasn't able to do that. And I also personally felt like it was part of becoming whole again to be ready for the real thing.
Probably controversial! I don't offer it as advice, just my experience. A side effect was hearing how many amazing things guys said to me (yes they want to sleep with you, but it's so different than the abusive degrading language I'd heard for years). That doesn't replace learning to feel good about yourself alone (that's the important part), but helped train me to be able to respond appropriately to compliments from men.
I was pretty messed up.
Kind of a Humpty Dumpty construction project...there are many different ways to do it, and my DV therapist and I discussed it all. And I'd do it again to get where I am now. It worked for me because there was no danger of emotional controlling or abusiveness...and eventually it actually became FUN...I never imagined that again.
Since then I've had a "real" relationship with the whole physical/emotional package...also something I never imagined again.
Probably TMI, but you can't learn to ride a bike by reading how...and what it did for me was help me retrain my physical responses so I didn't block it out, hate it, or resent it...all reactions I didn't want to bring into a new REAL relationship--
Some people go the route of finding the trusted emotional relationship first and building sex in when it's a safe place emotionally. I wasn't able to do that. And I also personally felt like it was part of becoming whole again to be ready for the real thing.
Probably controversial! I don't offer it as advice, just my experience. A side effect was hearing how many amazing things guys said to me (yes they want to sleep with you, but it's so different than the abusive degrading language I'd heard for years). That doesn't replace learning to feel good about yourself alone (that's the important part), but helped train me to be able to respond appropriately to compliments from men.
I was pretty messed up.
Kind of a Humpty Dumpty construction project...there are many different ways to do it, and my DV therapist and I discussed it all. And I'd do it again to get where I am now. It worked for me because there was no danger of emotional controlling or abusiveness...and eventually it actually became FUN...I never imagined that again.
Since then I've had a "real" relationship with the whole physical/emotional package...also something I never imagined again.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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i am sorry about these misfortunes. know that your decision to have sex with him or not is a personal decsion that really has more to do with you than him. your body and your spirit your choice. if you arent sure about this i suggest to definitely go through self healing until you know for sure. why open those wounds again and be left in pain?
i have a somewhat opposite story. the addict in my life in my life use to refrain from having sex with me (while they were in recovery). we would start to have sex but they would stop before climax, or start crying, etc...until we stopped having sex all together. really complicated story but the whole point is that it was an abusive relationship, and sex was their way of controlling yet another way i felt. but then this RA also had their own issues. i let it all blow over my head snd didnt pester much. today regret not saying more about it.
with that said, once you figure out some things be sure to discuss the matters eith him. thank you for this post and best of luck!
i have a somewhat opposite story. the addict in my life in my life use to refrain from having sex with me (while they were in recovery). we would start to have sex but they would stop before climax, or start crying, etc...until we stopped having sex all together. really complicated story but the whole point is that it was an abusive relationship, and sex was their way of controlling yet another way i felt. but then this RA also had their own issues. i let it all blow over my head snd didnt pester much. today regret not saying more about it.
with that said, once you figure out some things be sure to discuss the matters eith him. thank you for this post and best of luck!
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