suicideseason

Yes, I'm having a real hard time dealing with life on lifes terms. I got a surgery scheduled for the 19th which Ive needed for over a year the doctor said its pretty bad. Its going to put me in the hole 10 grand. I spent my last 400 bucks on getting it to go through barely. I'm homeless the 20th. Which I might as well start giving away the things I got since I dont know where I am going. Closest homeless shelters 70 miles away. I need permission just to leave this town from probation and I just dont see it going well. I seen my son, havent seen my daughter in 11 months. Miss my son daughter and their mother beyond ******* belief. I know I went to jail but I worked damn hard these last 2 years to be in this position Its so hard too get used to. I dont want to get high or drunk. Cant afford it and I dont want to talk to anyone, I just want to spend my last few bucks and get some damn razorblades and hurt myself. I just want to feel something. Tired of hope and whatnot its just **** tired of everyone having everything I worked for. Being at everythings mercy. People who use got their ******* family even. Bs.

letitgo

Sounds rough. Maybe sleep on it, calm down and get a plan together. Nothing in life is worth hurting yourself over. That will not help your current situation. Don't hurt your kids by hurting yourself. Ride it out or see a doc bro. You can survive anything. Humans adapt. You survived jail.

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, suicideseason. As bad as things are now they can turn around. Getting sober and staying sober is the ticket to a lot better life to come. There are probably resources locally to help; maybe someone here at SR is from there? Maybe someone here will have some info.

Don't give up! You've taken some hard steps which took guts, don't give up now.

Sean30

Please don't hurt yourself mate, things are hard right now but you are a fighter and you can get through this.
Life keeps throwing you **** and you keep finding your way through, I read that in your posts dude.
Take a stand. Tell yourself it's ok to be frustrated and angry but I won't be beaten.
If you stay clean you will get through this. Don't give up.

Good luck man, keep us posted

sleepie

Hi SS. This is really difficult and hard to do... but you have to get a support group of some kind going. Put some people in your life. If there are free services use them. Any kind of support group or thing that can get you among others and maybe an ear who will listen so that you will not feel alone. You have to do this to save your own sanity and stay strong, and often when people see a person trying despite being in dire straits, they respect them and in turn maybe even help them. You just have to stay on course.

least

I hope things turn out ok for you.

teatreeoil007

Good on ya for checking in ss.... Great advice and support here...

Dee74

I did a little reading after you last thread and Utah is meant to be at the forefront for dealing with homelessness - have you not found that?

Where have you asked for help with this so far?

Have you checked out the local state and county options for help finding a place?
Any church based charity that may be able to help?

D

SillyHuman

I gather you are in a more rural area? Take Dee's advice and call the local bishop. The Mormons I have known were generous. It is certainly worth a shot.

The last thing you need is anything else hurting you. You have plenty of that going on already. You need to be your own hero, your own guardian. Protect yourself like you would protect one of your kids.

I am pulling for you!

PurpleKnight

Hang in there and keep talking and seeking support, you don't have to feel alone in this!!

suicideseason

aThe transient bishop wont return my call. I asked a mormon bishop for help back on the 19th, they wont help as Im not mormon. To join for help is the wrong reason. My kids cause their mom are born mormon. before I got arrested I was about to get baptised, but it fell through. The elders didnt help a whole lot aswell. With a few things they said kinda put me off. Be good for a week we will baptise you no caffeine etc. Then after you can drink coffee and goto sacrement its what its for etc.. Kinda ****** off if you ask me. I goto a.a. n.a. ive asked for help . I noticed in my sobriety when you ask for something you usually dont get that help. Before when i joined I asked if people would be my friends etc. Didnt have any. I dont ask I got a few friends but. They live with their family Ive been on my own for a long time. They dont dare ask if I can stay which I understand. Just can't relate. I share my situation, thats how people bought me a coat and boots and gloves. But Im more worried about a place to stay. So its just whatever. I seen some the homeless stuff on the news I just can say thats more for the bigger cities. Im in south central utah. Halfway between salt lake and st.george. Theres woman shelters, but nothing for guys. Which i dont really blame them most the guys Ive met or talked to hit girls, so I guess that is just an example of people can mess something up for everyone. Im super close to my breaking point and I was getting use to it, but I dont know. I get incredibly angry people who arent even trying to be good dont have half these problems, my fault I guess.

Sean30

Are you still working SS? Maybe you could ask your boss for help like setting a part of your wages aside for a local motel or something for the meantime until you find something more stable?

courage2

Hi SS.

Are you inpatient for the surgery? In NYC they won't release you if you don't have a home to go to, and they'll hook you up with someone who will find you shelter. Maybe you can get some help through the hospital?

P.S. I'm glad you're hanging in there & not using, drinking, or cutting. None of those things will ever help you again, if it ever seemed like they did. Stay good.

Fly N Buy

Early today our friend fini posted a link in a thread in response to an AA atheist question. The thread is from a few years back by paulmh - another member on SR with 10 years of sobriety.



Here's a paragraph from paulmh's old thread. Breaking the mold I was stuck in, so to speak........


".......when I was stuck in my "alcoholism" paradigm, I couldn't imagine another way of being, one which included not just "not drinking" but a fundamental change in how I viewed myself and my life. And yet that's what happened to me with the help of both my alcoholism and AA. I changed from living in my own personal alcoholism paradigm, to living in a different, recovering paradigm."

Soberwolf

I third D's sound advice

teatreeoil007

SS-Well, as far as being homeless goes...I've heard from other homeless people that being homeless in southern Idaho or Utah are some of the better places to be homeless. Don't know how reliable that info is as it was years ago. Mormons are generally speaking very good people, whether you believe as they do or not. There are also a lot of "jack Mormons" who were maybe born into a Mormon family or converted to Mormonism in order to marry someone Mormon, inside are really jack Mormons who don't really buy into the beliefs and don't strictly abide by their 'rules'... A good college friend of ours from southern Idaho was not Mormon, HOWEVER-he was crazy in love with this Mormon girl and no matter how hard he tried to NOT love her, he just couldn't not love her!!. He'd do anything to marry that girl and so he converted to Mormonism and married her. If he hadn't married her, he have ended being my brother-in-law as he and one of my sister's had a thing for each other (work-out buddies) for a long time, but it was never consumated, so to speak. Hmmm. Life is interesting. She was in love with him I'm pretty sure, and he thought very highly of her...but I think she also knew in her heart that his true love was back in his home town and he would never really get over her. Not a whole lot of fun being second fiddle, I guess. He would have made a really cool brother in law though! I don't really know what point I'm trying to make here, but hang in there and don't give up. You've got a shot of still being there for your kids and them knowing you as a loving father. Some folks say we shouldn't make the choice to be clean and sober for someone else. But I think, 'Hey, whatever MOTIVATES you in a good way is alright'.

SweatyHands

I know this is easy for me to post, because I'm not the one dealing with your current situation, but for what it's worth... While you still have a home and some bit of breathing room, work as hard as you can to find resources before you need them. I know in Vermont and Ohio, there was emergency rent/housing assistance that could be had on a case by case basis. It was a pain in the bottom to go to the office and explain my situation (in Ohio, never used it in Vermont), but it ended up buying me the time I needed to get my feet back under me. If that's not an option, in some states different charity organizations will store household furnishings temporarily until the person finds permanent housing. Regardless, giving up will ensure the worst possible outcome.

suicideseason

Well I aint just sitting feeling down. I can get assistance if I get a paper saying im working a place called 6 counties will help. I had a job interview today, and usually you get a good inclination.. It went pretty bad. Id be ok with being homeless if it was actually semi warm. Its freezing. **** it.

suicideseason

Thanks for your kind words.

courage2

I wish you warm food & sound sleep tonight, ss.