Sunflowerlife

Hi everyone. New here, and only 2 days sober.

My husband has heard me say the following lines countless times over the last year:

"I really need to stop drinking"
"I think I have a drinking problem"
"Let's just quit for a month, together"
"I don't want to drink anymore"

And of course, he has seen me return to drinking sometimes just 1 or 2 days after saying these things. So, I get that he doesn't take me seriously at this point and I am certain he doesn't think I am an alcoholic (I am not sure that I am yet either- how do I know?)

So, what do I tell him this time? Do I even say anything? Do I ask him to stop drinking around me, at least for the first month? Is this fair or controlling. How do others have partners who drink while they are trying to get sober?
I have asked him to take a break with me before- sometimes he will do it (because he also feels he is drinking too much) and other times he gets really pissed about it (feels I am controlling him).

Do I just tell him I am taking a break or keep silent? In general, I do not find him supportive of me so perhaps keeping this so myself is best? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

ALinNS

One of my first questions is do you have a plan? If so share it with him, maybe ask him for help as well, maybe not drinking around you or supporting you should you attend a function are the first things that come to mind. I have been down the road your husband has, had a little over two years sober but the lady I loved just would not stop drinking, I tried everything I could to help her, but she wasn't ready so you are a few steps ahead and I congratulate you for that.

Andrew

Sunflowerlife

Not a concrete plan. I have two therapy/hypnosis appointment set up (the first one helped a lot), and getting a kindle book to read, and plan making a routine for my workouts.
We don't drink out socially because we don't have friends here or a social life (just moved out of state and have two small kids). I drink during the day, at home alone with my little one. So to avoid that I need to stay busy with home projects, play dates, jogging with the stroller. I suppose that is my plan.

LBrain

First of all, what are YOUR intentions?
Do you consider this 'taking a break'?
Or are you wanting to start living a life being sober?
If it's the second, then you must realize that in a sense, it is entirely up to you.
You can ask him if he will support you by however it is possible. In the end, he may not wish to give up drinking to support you. You will have to learn how to cope with it in your own way. But if you can get him on board, it may be helpful.
Many here are cursed with spouses and others in their lives who are not interested in 'helping' them by abstaining themselves. It makes it rough for many. Be prepared to deal with this as best you can.

Upward2Enlightenment

The part I bolded might be a clue.
I'm not sure what you should say to him other than what Andrew mentioned.
Here's a link that might help. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

I'm sure others might have some ideas.

Best wishes.

least

If he has seen you return to drinking many times, I'd just keep this time to yourself and let him notice.

Sunflowerlife

As far as I can tell you at this moment, I do not want to drink again. Of course, as I type that part of me thinks that at one point I will be able to be a normal drinking. I guess I am confused and still in denial.

I am concerned that this is going to be tough because of him, but we will see. We met as big drinkers and the beginning of our relationship was all about getting wasted together. So there is a lot of history revolved around it (I am sure that is common).
Thanks for the input, I will focus on myself and hope but not demand that he support me. This is about me, after all. I tend to criticize him when I am most critical of myself. I just hope I don't do that when it comes to the drinking.

Sunflowerlife

I think I like that idea, thanks

Anna

Like you, I had made many promises to my family. When I finally did stop for good, I said nothing. I put all my energy into getting through each day and trying to make my life better and I allowed my family to see the changes in me. It was definitely the best thing to do, for me.

I did not ask my husband to stop drinking when I did, because my problem was my problem, not his. I agree it would be helpful if your husband didn't drink around you, but you could go out for a walk or to a different part of the house if he is drinking.

I hope you decide to stop drinking for good.

ALinNS

Read your replies and I am going to use smoking as an example as I have never promised my kids I would stop drinking, I promised myself in December (12th) and I do not break promises unless I am drinking then only god would know what I said.

I smoked about a pack a day for about 31 years, single parent and yes my kids were really on my case but I tried everything in the book and I mean everything, I would tell them every time I was quitting, lost count how many times. Anyhow my daughter is in her final year and will be a Dr by April in Genetics, not that it matters but she had been doing some research and decided vaping was far safer than cigarette's so she suggested it, I didn't say a word, did my own research, and for about 9 months I did vape, now it's rare and I do not crave cigarette's at all so something clicked and I have no idea what.

At noon on Dec 30th, 2014 I smoked my last cigarette and haven't touched one since, I said nothing to anyone including the kids, they noticed and all I would say at the time is I am trying this vaping and going to ease it off and see what happens, guys that is the best I can offer as I have been down this road many times with you two.

So if the plan is a short term stop which I seem to think in your case with alcohol, as another poster said, probably saying nothing is best. If you want to quit for good, in my experience we need all the help we can get so I would involve my partner which I have done and it is working but then again she doesn't drink as she doesn't like the taste, bonus for me

All the best
Andrew

Sunflowerlife

I like what you said about my problem being my problem. I do think he has his own issues with alcohol but he would never admit to it or try to stop. I am worried about this weekend because his father is coming to visit for DHs birthday which is on Monday I am sure we will go out to eat at some point and the only time I have been to a restaurant and not had a drink was when I was pregnant

As for going to another part of the house when he drinks, that is not really possible. We rent a one story home and the living room, dining room is all one room. I would have to hide in the bedroom all day which wouldn't be fair to the kids. I will figure it out. I am more worried about things like going to the beach where we always pack a cooler. Those types of habits are going to be the hardest to change.

adelina123

I too have told my mr that I want to/ need to/ am going to stop and then drank again the next day. The first few times he was disappointed as I'd seemed so determined, then he stopped taking me seriously.
After that if I intended to stop I didn't mention it to him but the problem was it was then too easy to start again cos I had noone to answer to.
This time I very dropped in casually that I think I should stop drinking, he said it was my choice. We haven't discussed it since, I know if I drink he will say something which puts me off drinking bur I don't want to go on about it either.

firstymer

Our loved ones pay attention to what we do, not so much what we say.

So, focus on what you are going to do, and how you are going to do it. The rest will fall into place.

Good luck. You can DO this.