KidsR#1

I have a consult tomorrow with a lawyer, so looking on advice on what to discuss with her. Since we have been friends for years (and co-workers at one point) she knows quite a bit about me already, about the kids, house, our jobs.

What points do I need to make sure I cover?

I have already started checking into assistance programs for me and the kids- like HEAP, SNAP, etc. Trying to get all my bases covered as my experience as a caseworker I know those things can't be retroactive so the sooner I apply to see if I am eligible the better, plus I still only work PT.

Appreciate any input. We live in NY if that matters too.

LexieCat

If you google "questions to ask divorce lawyer" you'll find quite a few hits. Since this is a friend, you can be a little more informal.

Number one is what you need to do between now and whenever to protect yourself financially and legally. Joint accounts, property, debt are all things that need to be considered, as well as stuff like insurance. Are some things in one name only?

Is there legal separation in your state (if you're interested in that) or is divorce your only option?

How likely is it you will be granted interim custody of kids and home pending litigation? If you're concerned about supervised visitation, what do you need to prove to get that? Can you get an interim order requiring you both to not contact the other except regarding the kids (if that's what you want)? Can you get interim spousal support? (He'll definitely have to support the kids.)

If you're familiar with your family finances, discuss that. If you aren't--if he handles all of that--what do you need to do to find out if he's got money socked away?

If you think you and your husband can agree on most things, are there ways you can save money on the divorce? For instance, could you cut your fees by bringing her a draft agreement of what you think you can agree on?

Discuss with her anything you believe he's going to be unreasonable about, or fight tooth and nail over.

How long is the legal process likely to take? Are there ways you can speed it up, or that he might try to drag it out?

Ask about how fees are handled. In some places one party can be responsible for the other's legal fees. What's her hourly rate? How much might it cost if it's all resolved quickly? How much might it cost if it goes to trial and he's difficult about things? (Note that this will be VERY hard to estimate--there are so many variables--but she should be able to give you a ballpark idea.) If you can't afford her fees, could she recommend someone else who might be a bit less expensive, yet competent?

These are just a few of the random things that jumped into my head. Your situation is unique--what might be a big concern to one person might be no big deal to the other. But as I said, concentrate first and foremost on protecting yourself until everything is settled.

KidsR#1

Thanks Lexi. I had hoped you would give some input. When we separate years ago, for about a year, we had used a mediator to start the process, so I remember a little bit from that experience, of starting to divide things. After 2 meetings we had worked things out and got back together. That was before we had kids though and not tied to him being an alcoholic. I do realize that this time there is a lot more for me to consider and he could be a bit unpredictable b/c he is an A.

LexieCat

I don't know how cooperative he'll be, but if you can possibly work things out in a way that feels fair, and safe, for all of you, that's the ideal. As long as you've got kids in common you're likely to be dealing with each other. To the extent you can maintain a semblance of civility toward each other, it can make your future a lot less stressful.

Sometimes it's impossible to negotiate with an alcoholic--they are simply too unreasonable, defensive, etc., to come to any kind of cooperative solution. But there are also alcoholics who are basically decent--though sick--people. Right now everything is still a bit tense, I'm betting. Maybe when the dust settles, though, you'll be able to work out an agreement.

Try to remain detached, and it helped me to remind myself that however justified I was in leaving, it was still something that hurt my partner. I'm not saying roll over and give in for the sake of keeping the peace, but expect some anger and hurtful statements. My first husband--the really, really GOOD guy (who was sober for 15 years when I left him) had his angry outbursts at times. I detached, realizing he was processing some painful stuff, himself. Try to stay centered as much as you can.

Hangnbyathread

I'd suggest discussing sole exclusive use of the home starting with a "temporary" status at time of filing. As well as "temporary" child support payments at time of filing.

Temporary can drag out for months. But if you don't ask up front, you may not get it for months. Better to get it right out of the gate, and let your attorney use it for leverage from day one.