JumpJump

Hi Y'all. I haven't written here in a while, but would like to gather your opinions on my current dilemma (deep breath). So, within the last five years, I've been to treatment a total of four times (twice this year). My last drink was New Year's Day. I just lost my sponsor----she doesn't think that I've grasped Step 1 because I keep picking up. She thinks that I need more pain. (Why do people in AA say this? What does one do with that tidbit of information?). She's been my sponsor off and on for the last four years, but the furthest we've ever made it was Step 3 @ 10 months sober....and I had to push to get that far. I feel that we're taking the steps too slowly....and that's the reason that I keep relapsing - she says that I'm relapsing because I haven't grasped Step 1, and the submission that I gave her is "generic".

What do you think??

Following is the last Step 1 that I completed:

STEP 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Powerlessness:
I am definitely powerless over alcohol. For me, this means that once I take a drink (even a sip), I cannot predict my subsequent actions. This means that I am unable to control my alcohol consumption, as well as my behavior. In the past, I have purchased a certain amount of alcohol, with the expectation that I would limit my consumption. However, time and time again, I would inevitably purchase more alcohol. It was also common for me to exercise poor judgement following the first drink - - - including drunk driving, or handling business while intoxicated - - - often during a blackout.
Powerlessness also means that I have an allergy to alcohol. Once I take a drink, my body begins to immediately crave more and more alcohol on a continual basis. In essence, my reaction to alcohol indicates my powerlessness.
Unmanageability:
My life is currently getting increasingly unmanageable. My work has been compromised in that I’ve taken 3 disability leaves. Additionally, the integrity of my work has deteriorated as I have resorted to working while intoxicated. Also, I have alienated myself from family and friends – I isolate on a constant basis. I attempted suicide once while drinking, and was also admitted to the hospital on a separate occasion for a preventable fatal alcohol and medication interaction. I drive drunk on a constant basis – it is by the grace of God that I have never encountered any legal repercussions. Furthermore, the unpredictability attributable to my alcoholism has began to cause conflicts in my marriage.


Would really appreciate your input. Am really thinking of leaving AA, but I don't want to do anything irrational.

Thanks!

~Jump

Tommyh

you know the mechanics of step one

I was in that place once
my problem was I had reservations about my really being a hopeless alcoholic who was fixing to die and the willingness to go to any length to get sober in AA.
In my heart I had not given up the fight yet

there was certain things in the steps I refused to even consider doing,until that last binge.I knew the mechanics of step one then...but that alone would not keep me sober

a couple of old timers told me that if I wasn`t ready to go to any length to live those 12 steps in my life,I was wasting good drinking time,get to it,get a belly full and then come back...I did
I could have blamed my past sponsor but it wasn`t his fault I kept getting drunk.Bottom line was I wanted to drink more than I wanted sobriety.

how about you?Do you want sobriety enough to get on your knees and sincerely ask for it every morning and say thank you at night for a sober day?

sugarbear1

you said you got to step 3, but in my experience, step 3 is when I commit to a meeting (time and place with my sponsor) to work step 5. This means that the night before step 5, I have already been given instructions to write my 4th step and I write that 4th step that same night with only one night of horrendous sleep.

Step 5 begins about 9 am and is finished about 4-6 hours later in the form of a lengthy discussion.....Step 6 is an hour of deep reflection and Step 7 is a prayer with all the willingness I can muster to allow a power greater than I to enter my life.......and a spiritual journey begins.....

Step 1 is a discussion of why I believe I may be an alcoholic, Step 2 is a discussion of my willingness to believe that the steps might help me, a willingness to set aside my old beliefs, or a willingness to stop insisting there is no god......

Step 3 is a decision to move forward with the rest of the steps. Simple, not easy and certainly not rocket science.....although I can complicate things!

The steps on pages 59 and 60 are written in past tense. They are basically a synopsis of what we've done, not what we do.....

For me, step 2 came alive after I finished step 7. I lost my desire and obsession to drink or use.

When I hadn't worked the first 7 steps, I wasn't able to stay stopped. After getting to step 7, I have been able to stay stopped. Since then, I work the rest of the steps.....

I came to believe that a power greater than me had restored me to sanity. I no longer think I can control what happens once I have that first sip of alcohol and I know deep in my heart (I conceded to my innermost self) that I can't drink alcohol or use drugs.

Simple, not easy, but certainly worth the effort for me.

If I don't have a new solution to my alcoholism, then alcohol will continue to treat my alcoholism.

Today, those steps treat my alcoholism.

Not sure this will help you, but it's my experience.

With love,
SB

Fly N Buy

A guy asked me how quickly I would work steps with him. I asked him how quickly did he want to get sober?

Rarely have we seen a person fail.......
If you do what we did - next - immediately - vigorous etc
These are action words not wait and see words.

Step one is the problem - step two is the solution and 3-12 are the instructions. Follow the instructions - find a God of your understanding and clean house.

All that said - as an alcoholic I am highly manipulative and can bend a discussion anyway I choose. What I did and do may be different for others. This is just my experience.

Why a sponsee and sponsor part ways isn't for me to judge on an Internet forum - with all respect.

The important question is how will you move forward in your journey???

Gottalife

My experience around your original question on step one is similar to yours but I would add:
Powerlessness. My powerlessness went beyond what happened after the first drink. I was powerless to not take the first drink. I had no defence against the first drink. There was a complete failure of the kind of defence thatprevents one from putting one's hand on a hot stove. Neither I nor any other human being could provide such a defence. I had lost the power of choice in drink and I never got it back. My defence must come from a higher power.

The sooner I get to that Power,(through the steps) the sooner I will have an effective defence. Realising that fact was very important.

On unmanageability, I had the seame obvious unmageability about my personal life as you did. But again, I have come to realise it goes much further. The friends, relatives, workmates, life situations in my life were also things I tried to manage and manipulate (to my own selfish ends) and failed. I had failed in every respect to manage my life and created a lot of harm in trying.

It is disappointing that your sponsor has dumped you. Our book suggests that we remain friendly if someone doesn't doesn't want to work with us. But it seems you are not unwilling and in fact your sponsor has been standing between you and your spirutal experience. 10 months to get to step 3? 10 hours may be more appropriate.

I don't fire sponsees for drinking again. I believe they have lost the power of choice in drink and have not yet found and effective defence. My job is to help them find where they are going wrong. It may be in step one, not realising the full meaning of powerlessness, it may be a secret kept, it may be and amends they refuse to make, but it will never be because I am holding them back.
"If you have decided you want what we have, and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready......

sg1970

My opinion is you need to get a sponsor that will take you through the steps instead of dragging around forever having you write essays on the first step over and over. Steps 1 through 3 aren't rocket science. Steps 4 through 7 are where many, including me, found the desire to drink go away.

tomsteve

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

i suggest finding a sponsor that will take you through the steps using the big book as the guide.

LiveInPeace

I agree. My home group calls this the AA Waltz--1-2-3; 1-2-3; 1-2-3. No one gets anywhere, especially not sober, "working" Steps 1-3. The work to sobriety is in 4-9.

I didn't write essays on the first step. I was told to read some pages in the big book. Then I met my sponsor. I was asked if I thought I was powerless over my addiction and was my life unmanageable. I said "Yes." then I was asked if I believed a power greater than myself could help. I said "Yes." Said the 3rd Step prayer, and I was on my way to write Step 4.

Any writing on Step 1-3 in my opinion is living in the mess and the drama and the self pity.

Get to work to get sober.

fini

I believe they have lost the power of choice in drink and have not yet found and effective defence. My job is to help them find where they are going wrong. It may be in step one, not realising the full meaning of powerlessness, it may be a secret kept, it may be and amends they refuse to make, but it will never be because I am holding them back. (Gottalife)

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. tomsteve BB quote

i've been thinking about this, and see them almost as contradictory statements.
if someone asks me to sponsor them who has just relapsed, and they are not conceding to their innermost selves that they are alcoholics and powerless over alcohol....how to move on from the first step? in effect, they can't "do" that step unless they know this about themselves.

on the other hand, not moving on from step one "withholds" what will help them find an "effective defense". butbutbut...how can you move on from step 1 without accepting it and knowing it without reservation?

can you all please talk a bit more about this? i'm confused....

LiveInPeace

Ask them if they can stop drinking whenever they want to once the alcohol is in their body. Ask them if they can stay stopped, and not eventually pick up again.

If the answer is no, that's it. They're done with Step one.

Keep it simple and move on.

My home group says you won't understand steps 1, 2, and 3 really until after you do the work.

The key is to stop analyzing it and get to Step 3 to begin Step 4.

fini

yes, that's good advice, LiP. thank you.

but i'm asking here because moving on when they are not clear 100% that they have lost power of choice, when they're holding on to the idea that someday, somehow...even though their own experience contradicts this...then moving on seems like it will backfire since there will be no solid foundation.

Tommyh

2 things fini from the book I use in these situations
we can step out and try some controlled drinking,it won`t take long for us to decide if we can control it if we are honest with ourselves

or we can try quiting for one year and see if we can make it
either way,we will discover some truths right there

I tried the controlled drinking and soon found out I cannot control my drinking
2 beers ended up a 3 day binge

that was what smashed the delusion I could drink sucessfully


I have tried to sponsor others who wasn`t 100 percent sure they was alcoholics and they even started on the steps.Most of them made it to step 3 or 4 and flew the coop

LiveInPeace

Apologies, Fini. Tommyh's advice sounds excellent to me.

fini

no need for apologies, LiP. all input gratefully accepted, and i do hope more will chime in.

tommy, thanks.
are you saying if someone comes to you and asks you to sponsor them/guide them through the steps and they're not 100% sure they're an alcoholic/ have lost power of choice you'll make those suggestions (which are good ones, of course) and won't do step-stuff until they're sure?
hm...and that is what the book suggests, if i remember correctly.
except...am i holding someone back if they want to do the step-stuff with me and i "keep" them on step 1 until they have clarity on this?

Tommyh

what I mean is I would try to do the steps first and see how it works.If they are not ready they usually slip away somewhere in the early steps.Last resort,tell them about the controlled drinking

there have been times when I tried to sponsor guys who wasn`t ready and they "sucked" the life out of me,just drained me it seemed

they wanted to do everything but the steps

rahrah

That's the money....right there. I don't care anymore about what happens after the first drink...cause once I've had that drink, it's all over....it's all about the FIRST drink....that first drink is taken when I am sober(ish)...and it's my sober thinking that is the problem.

My comment doesn't have anything to do with this thread... but it is something I'm working on...as far as this thread goes....FABULOUS! I love it. Being an atheist I have steered clear of AA but this thread has piqued my interest in the steps and I'm curious about this whole business of 'working' them...I'll do whatever it takes to stay sober!

Thanks for all the great posts here...really good stuff!

Serenitynow123

Yes. I want to be sober.

Gottalife

Sorry Fini, I only just spotted your qestions.

My explanation is that taking step one a hundred percent is not enough to bring about recovery from alcoholism, which, for the purpose of this thread, I will call having a 24/7 defence against the first drink.

All step one does is identify the problem. AA then says it has a spiritual solution to the problem, basically connecting you with a power greater than youself which will solve the problem. Are you willing to believe that such a power could work for you? This is step 2, the choice of the spiritual recovery method.

Still no defence. To get connected to the Power we first have to make a decision, step three, then act on that decision, steps four - nine to make that decision a reality. By step ten, we have that defense, though it often manifests earlier with a sincere step three. "being all powerful he provides what we need"

I suppose the point is that a relapser can have step one, know clearly what the problem is, but still not know the solution. My job as sponsor is to show him the solution.

fini

thanks for responding, Mike. and it's good for me to grapple with "no responses" for a while...something about "how the world and its people dominate us"...not sure if that's the accurate phrasing, but the concept fits

My explanation is that taking step one a hundred percent is not enough to bring about recovery from alcoholism, which, for the purpose of this thread, I will call having a 24/7 defence against the first drink.

yes. agreed.
my question isn't related to recovery as it's understood in AA, but to abstinence. i've been led to believe that getting step one 100% would result in abstinence. and that while it's quite likely to be a fairly miserable abstinence, what some refer to as untreated alcoholism, the person who gets that step will not be relapsing over and over.
or, to put it another way: the person who has no reservations left and has conceded to their innermost selves....is not recovered but does not repeatedly relapse.

what you're saying re no effective defense yet makes sense, though.

clearly, i'm not done with this in my own mind/understanding. any further comments appreciated.

Gottalife

Well Fini, for an alcoholic of my type, getting the first step could possibly result in temporary abstinence, but it didn't for me. I kept drinking because I did not have the power not to drink. Eventually this lead me to step two, I came to believe that the power the AAs talked about could get me sober. The solution in other words. What did the AA solution involve? Another 10 steps. Somewhere in that process abstinence became permanent and "pleasant". For me it was when I had the internal committment to go to any lengths, which was the point I took step three.

There seem to be tougher folk than me out there though. They take the first step, maybe the first three, then hang on in a kind of fear based sobriety, relying principaly on meetings to remind them of why they don't want to drink and what will happen if they do. The meetings are also handy for dealing with life's problems. There is a belief that we can never recover, that we will always be in recovery, and regular contact with people to keep us on track is the only way we can maintain sobriety, just for today of course. You may jinx yourself by thinking in terms of permanent recovery. These are popular and common beliefs in the AA fellowship and are sometimes called the socialisation model of recovery.

There is also a psychologically based group that believes the steps are not as important as dealing with the issues that caused you to "self medicate", and meeting attendance is a great from of group therapy to process your feelings and experiences in life. Continued counselling from a trained therapist is also an important part of theis model. Expectations of the outcome are that life's problems will continue to be difficult to handle and we will always be drawing heavily on group and professional therapy for the rest of our lives.

But nevertheless people stay sober for very long periods on those models, and they seem willing to accept that level of outcome.

To me they don't compare to the outcome I experienced from the spiritual model, which shoots much higher "happy joyous and free".

AA and its people are probably a mixture of those three approaches. The thing is to be aware of them so you can make your own choices about what you need to do to get the recovery you want.

"If you have decided you want what we have..." Well, that's the thing. To try and figure out what they have. Is it "not drinking one arduous day at a time" that is on offer, or would you prefer "happy joyous and free".

Your questions around the first step may have a lot to do with figuring out which model is being presented to you.