Yep here I am again :( Divorce questions.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Yep here I am again :( Divorce questions.
It's been quite awhile since I've posted and I won't go into the freaking unbelievable nightmare that my life has become with my AH, suffice to say that we recently appeared on Dr. Phil, that's how bad it's gotten, that a national talk show would have us on air to talk about the fiasco that is life with an alcoholic.
Sooo....Dr. Phil recommended under no uncertain terms to proceed with the divorce, we had signed the papers back in June after his first DUI but postponed filing because he was sober for the next 5 months. Well November 11th all of that changed, he got his 2nd DUI, binged himself into an abnormal heart rate and spent the next 10 days in the hospital, then off to rehab. He has not lived in my home since 11/11.
I filed the divorce paperwork and since we had already waited the required 90 days it will be final in the next 2 weeks. He is not aware that I filed the final papers.
Does anyone know what I can do with his stuff, and how do I keep him out of my home? He signed a postnuptial agreement, and everything is in my name anyway, but now he's threatening to fight me, saying that he was not of sound mind when he signed the paperwork, which he probably wasn't he was drunk all the time...duh!.
Am I allowed to move his stuff out of my home, how do I enforce him not coming back there?
His daughter said I can move his stuff to her house, but I'm not sure if I have to have his consent to move it. His car is in my driveway and it's covered by my insurance which I want to remove, but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. He's in rehab and we have no contact.
It just seems that the laws protect him and tie my hands.
Any advice?
Sooo....Dr. Phil recommended under no uncertain terms to proceed with the divorce, we had signed the papers back in June after his first DUI but postponed filing because he was sober for the next 5 months. Well November 11th all of that changed, he got his 2nd DUI, binged himself into an abnormal heart rate and spent the next 10 days in the hospital, then off to rehab. He has not lived in my home since 11/11.
I filed the divorce paperwork and since we had already waited the required 90 days it will be final in the next 2 weeks. He is not aware that I filed the final papers.
Does anyone know what I can do with his stuff, and how do I keep him out of my home? He signed a postnuptial agreement, and everything is in my name anyway, but now he's threatening to fight me, saying that he was not of sound mind when he signed the paperwork, which he probably wasn't he was drunk all the time...duh!.
Am I allowed to move his stuff out of my home, how do I enforce him not coming back there?
His daughter said I can move his stuff to her house, but I'm not sure if I have to have his consent to move it. His car is in my driveway and it's covered by my insurance which I want to remove, but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. He's in rehab and we have no contact.
It just seems that the laws protect him and tie my hands.
Any advice?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd suggest consulting a lawyer first thing. I'm a lawyer (though not a family lawyer and this isn't legal advice) but to my knowledge you ALWAYS have to serve someone with any papers you file in court. So if he doesn't know you filed, that could be a HUGE problem for you.
I don't know who owns the house, or whose name is on the lease if you rent, but all of that has legal implications for what you can or can't do in terms of keeping him out of the house. You can't simply lock him out, for example, if it's his house, too--if you did, he'd have the right to come in against your wishes.
Lawyer up--it might not cost very much money, and it will be well worth it to save yourself legal hassles down the road.
I don't know who owns the house, or whose name is on the lease if you rent, but all of that has legal implications for what you can or can't do in terms of keeping him out of the house. You can't simply lock him out, for example, if it's his house, too--if you did, he'd have the right to come in against your wishes.
Lawyer up--it might not cost very much money, and it will be well worth it to save yourself legal hassles down the road.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Thanks Lexi, no he was served with the papers and signed the service. he then signed the final divorce documents after the 90 day waiting period it just took me this long to submit them. So he was aware, he just didn't know that I filed the finals that he already signed.
House is in my name, everything is in my name and always has been, there is no joint ownership other then the fact that we are married.
I don't have any money left for a lawyer, we did a no fault quickie divorce.
I think my real question is: I hear people say all the time, throw him out, Dr. Phil said "don't let him back in the house" etc etc, but realistically that isn't feasible. There are protections in place so that you can't throw someone out of the house. Does the fact that he's been gone for 2 months have any implications?
House is in my name, everything is in my name and always has been, there is no joint ownership other then the fact that we are married.
I don't have any money left for a lawyer, we did a no fault quickie divorce.
I think my real question is: I hear people say all the time, throw him out, Dr. Phil said "don't let him back in the house" etc etc, but realistically that isn't feasible. There are protections in place so that you can't throw someone out of the house. Does the fact that he's been gone for 2 months have any implications?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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totally NOT a lawyer, but if the divorce is final, he signed a post-nup and the house is in your name solely, it seems to me that he no longer has an rights or claims to return to the property, except to get his stuff.
sure he is THREATENING to fight you, but seriously, how much of a fight has this champ got in him? and i gotta say, if you went ON Dr Phil and Dr Phil himself said DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN THE HOUSE, then it's pretty clear....if his daughter is willing to take his stuff, then ship it on over.
i reserve the right to be totally wrong from a legal standpoint, but i suspect in this case i'm not completely off base.
sure he is THREATENING to fight you, but seriously, how much of a fight has this champ got in him? and i gotta say, if you went ON Dr Phil and Dr Phil himself said DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN THE HOUSE, then it's pretty clear....if his daughter is willing to take his stuff, then ship it on over.
i reserve the right to be totally wrong from a legal standpoint, but i suspect in this case i'm not completely off base.
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Hello JLOBYXMAS, and sorry to hear you are going thru such hardships 
The answers to your questions can only come from a lawyer, and one that is licensed in your state. ( I am assuming you are in the USA).
In some places you can get free legal advice at the local woman's shelter. They can refer you to attorneys who will give free advice to a few people each month. In the large cities there are "free clinics" where attorneys will volunteer a few hours a month to do the same thing.
You can also try meetings of al-anon, CODA, or Celebrate Recovery. Almost everybody at those meetings _has_ a lawyer and they can refer you to one that will do more than the "first hour free".
Mike
Originally Posted by JLOBYXMAS 
... I don't have any money left for a lawyer,...
In some places you can get free legal advice at the local woman's shelter. They can refer you to attorneys who will give free advice to a few people each month. In the large cities there are "free clinics" where attorneys will volunteer a few hours a month to do the same thing.
You can also try meetings of al-anon, CODA, or Celebrate Recovery. Almost everybody at those meetings _has_ a lawyer and they can refer you to one that will do more than the "first hour free".
Mike
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Oh my, yikes... Dr. Phil and everything! Ok... what about going to your state's lawyer association and asking for a free consultation to find out what YOUR rights are by state law in your situation? If he's been out of the house since November 11, there could be the "abandonment" thing, too, where you have the right to remove his belongings.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Dr. Phil isn't a lawyer (and I'm not that impressed with him as a shrink, either, but that's beside the point).
A brief consult with a lawyer will not be costly, and as Mike suggested, you might be able to find someone who will answer your questions for free. He's been at rehab, he didn't just move out and abandon his residence. So you might need to go through formal eviction proceedings if he doesn't agree to leave. The law is different in every jurisdiction.
A brief consult with a lawyer will not be costly, and as Mike suggested, you might be able to find someone who will answer your questions for free. He's been at rehab, he didn't just move out and abandon his residence. So you might need to go through formal eviction proceedings if he doesn't agree to leave. The law is different in every jurisdiction.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I work in the insurance field, as far as the vehicle, is it in your name?
We will not remove a driver from a policy without a divorce decree or the other driver coming in and signing off on it, in front of us. In my state you can also take a divorce decree into the DMV and show that your name should not be tied to that vehicle and they will remove you from the title. However, that is not until there is a final signed judgement from the courts.
Above all else, speak with an attorney. It won't be too expensive and will be well worth the piece of mind.
I watch Dr. Phil ALL THE TIME and I always wonder if any of those people know about SR and how much help it would be for so many who need support.
Many, many hugs to you!
We will not remove a driver from a policy without a divorce decree or the other driver coming in and signing off on it, in front of us. In my state you can also take a divorce decree into the DMV and show that your name should not be tied to that vehicle and they will remove you from the title. However, that is not until there is a final signed judgement from the courts.
Above all else, speak with an attorney. It won't be too expensive and will be well worth the piece of mind.
I watch Dr. Phil ALL THE TIME and I always wonder if any of those people know about SR and how much help it would be for so many who need support.
Many, many hugs to you!
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Wait-dr Phil doesn't know it all?! (Kidding Lexie!). I agree-this constitutes a need for legal advice OR you could be paying a lot more in the future if the decision you make ends up being illegal. Get a lawyer!
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OK let me just clarify, the Dr. Phil thing was a last ditch effort. My husband has been in rehab 5 different times, and they bill the insurance for exorbitant amounts and in my opinion didn't do sh*t. I contacted Dr. Phil's show for his resources. Although I'm mad and disgusted with my AH, I want the best for him and I want him to be well for himself and for his daughter. Additionally he has now had two DUI's and I forsee tragedy in the future of him hurting some innocent person driving down the street minding their own business.
So do I think Dr. Phil is a great psychologist, nope not really, but I know that he has the backing and the resources to get to some of the best neurology, psychiatry, addictions counselors in the country.
Trust me, after our experience, I have even stronger feelings that I'm not going to vent here, but I continued to tell myself throughout the experience that it was for "the greater good"
Now having said that, I know you are all right and that I really need to talk to a lawyer, and I'm going to contact legal aid and see if I can at least 30 minute consult to get some of these hanging questions answered.
I just don't understand how people always say "just throw him out, just divorce him, let him hit bottom....." None of those statements are that easy. Thank god I'm starting therapy tomorrow, cause my brain is a twisted mess from all the years of covering and enabling bad behavior.
So do I think Dr. Phil is a great psychologist, nope not really, but I know that he has the backing and the resources to get to some of the best neurology, psychiatry, addictions counselors in the country.
Trust me, after our experience, I have even stronger feelings that I'm not going to vent here, but I continued to tell myself throughout the experience that it was for "the greater good"
Now having said that, I know you are all right and that I really need to talk to a lawyer, and I'm going to contact legal aid and see if I can at least 30 minute consult to get some of these hanging questions answered.
I just don't understand how people always say "just throw him out, just divorce him, let him hit bottom....." None of those statements are that easy. Thank god I'm starting therapy tomorrow, cause my brain is a twisted mess from all the years of covering and enabling bad behavior.
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JL......sell something (that YOU own).....and get a lawyer.
You can call your county social services office and ask for referral to the pr oper lawyer.
Or, call the local dv organization and ask for a referral to a lawyer.
You can go to the website: WomansDivorce.com and read the general advice that they give for your state. That is general advice---but, not the same as having a lawyer. The website will probably give advice of where to contact a lawyer for your state and locale.
dandylion
You can call your county social services office and ask for referral to the pr oper lawyer.
Or, call the local dv organization and ask for a referral to a lawyer.
You can go to the website: WomansDivorce.com and read the general advice that they give for your state. That is general advice---but, not the same as having a lawyer. The website will probably give advice of where to contact a lawyer for your state and locale.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Originally Posted by JLOBYXMAS
I just don't understand how people always say "just throw him out, just divorce him, let him hit bottom....." None of those statements are that easy. Thank god I'm starting therapy tomorrow, cause my brain is a twisted mess from all the years of covering and enabling bad behavior.
I'm not pushing for the legal advice for the sake of promoting the legal profession, but I've worked in the domestic violence field for a LONG time, and I've seen women (mostly women) in all kinds of stages of life disarray trying to untangle themselves from (usually abusive) men. I've seen how much they benefit from having the legal guidance that doesn't add to the already-daunting circumstances they face.
You're almost there--the finish line is in sight. Try to summon up that second wind so you can trudge across it into a life free from the chaos and insanity of living with active alcoholism. Sounds like you've got most of the details nailed, you just want to be sure they STAY nailed.
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No the vehicle is not in my name, when he crashed the truck that was in my name I refused to put anymore vehicles in my name. So his car is totally his responsibility. He did add it as another vehicle to my policy, without my permission I might add, as we were married. I talked to my insurance company and they can remove the vehicle whenever I ask them too, the problem is that it sits in my driveway while he is away at rehab. If anything happens to it there I don't want to be on the hook financially, especially if it's uninsured.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Only you can decide how much of this you are going to put up with. As you said, going to Dr.Phil was a LAST ditch effort. You are right, he has the resources and will help. So what you do with the vehicle is up to you. Your name is not on it, so that is super great. If you plan leave all the rest of his stuff in your home while he is in rehab, you may as well leave it sit there at your home. If you truly want all of his stuff out, go to an attorney, you should be able to find one for nearly nothing, or even free, and then go forward with their recommendation.
Many hugs to you. None of this is easy, I definitely know that. People on this forum are in all different stages of this, so for some it may sound easy, but anyone here will understand that it's not.
Many hugs to you. None of this is easy, I definitely know that. People on this forum are in all different stages of this, so for some it may sound easy, but anyone here will understand that it's not.
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So I just got a consult with an attorney over the phone through my job, and got some good information. Not sure if it will help anyone else here but thought I would share.
1. She said that she would wait until the divorce is final plus 30 days and then send him a letter stating that he has 30 days to remove his stuff. She said to wait the 30 days, because in Pennsylvania you have 30 days to appeal a divorce and she doesn't want a letter telling him to get his stuff to prompt him to act nutty.
2. She also said that once the divorce is final that if he comes to the house I can show the police the divorce paperwork and he won't be allowed in.
3. As for the car, because it's on my property she said not to take it off the insurance until he comes to pick it up, just in case anything would happen to it while it's sitting there.
So all in all I am happy with the info.
Unfortunately, I also got a call from the rehab this morning saying he was being taken to the hospital cause he's got ascites and trouble breathing again. I feel bad he's so far away all by himself and now his health is deteriorating even more, it sucks to love someone who is so screwed up. Staying strong, praying for him, but not caving into my "I'll fix it" mentality.
1. She said that she would wait until the divorce is final plus 30 days and then send him a letter stating that he has 30 days to remove his stuff. She said to wait the 30 days, because in Pennsylvania you have 30 days to appeal a divorce and she doesn't want a letter telling him to get his stuff to prompt him to act nutty.
2. She also said that once the divorce is final that if he comes to the house I can show the police the divorce paperwork and he won't be allowed in.
3. As for the car, because it's on my property she said not to take it off the insurance until he comes to pick it up, just in case anything would happen to it while it's sitting there.
So all in all I am happy with the info.
Unfortunately, I also got a call from the rehab this morning saying he was being taken to the hospital cause he's got ascites and trouble breathing again. I feel bad he's so far away all by himself and now his health is deteriorating even more, it sucks to love someone who is so screwed up. Staying strong, praying for him, but not caving into my "I'll fix it" mentality.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm glad you found out--don't you feel a lot better knowing what will put you on good legal ground? It's so much better than guessing.
And, for anyone else reading, the law is VERY different from one state to another, and there are often small details that make a difference in what you should do, so if you're in a similar situation, get your OWN legal advice. It's well worth it in terms of peace of mind and not shooting yourself in the foot inadvertently by making the wrong move.
And, for anyone else reading, the law is VERY different from one state to another, and there are often small details that make a difference in what you should do, so if you're in a similar situation, get your OWN legal advice. It's well worth it in terms of peace of mind and not shooting yourself in the foot inadvertently by making the wrong move.
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