suicideseason

I can't keep up with the threads. Last time I used drugs or sold them was June 8th 2015. Last time I drank was june 22nd. Freaking having issues. Job interview in 12 hours. Everyone from a.a. n.a. says Im doing good sponsor says Im doing great. He was my sponsor before I relapsed I freaking hated him before. I would avoid him before I relapsed, I try to talk everyday. I feel like I bother every freaking one still. People asked whats different than before cause they are like you changed. Its like well i had to hide my relapse. My sponsors like quit resisting you will quit struggling. Well freaking patience ain't reassuring me Ill get a job be able to have a roof over my head january 20th. He said he seen me do more in 2 days than people do in a 45 hour work week, and Im stressed and anxiety to the max. I need to be a bit more accountable but when I was trying to treat depression back a year ago, february march. When i first logged in here.. I got perscribed prozac, made me angry. Got put on wellbutrin then I went off the friggin deep end I felt fake as ****. I have troubles feeling real sometimes now, sober I dont recognise people trying to talk sometimes, whatever. But going off the deep end I didnt touch alcohol for awhile. Did meth for the first time, a lot. I was moving pounds of it. Moving a few hundred xanax pills, I went freaking deep I am grateful i didnt get caught but I know the small circle someone snitched and tried catching me. Got 8 felonies of some weak ass charges, felony dui on a nanogram of friggin weed, just whack ass **** clearly they were gunning for me. If I didnt have so many charges I would of probably fought it more. My behavior well didnt help. I did all that in free time between 2 jobs, which is a trip.Talk about needing a hobby haha. Anyway I dont know if Im use to not talking, or just dont want people to know, or If i bother people a freaking lot. But Im having more issues than there simpson episodes. Im seeing stuff, my sleeping is next to nil. If i fall asleep, I usuallywake up looking for my kids. And its real close to not seeing my daughter in a year I need to get the **** over it. I have no desire for food, if someone has food and makes me eat I'll do that but Im not hungry. I think today I swallowed a piece of gum so Im aight. I shower brush my teeth I'm a pretty boy but everything else is totally messed. i feel like im at week one though Im not, i read live and let live, so I just deal with stuff. Im pretty comfortable saying Im not going to use. ah well here goes nothing *submit new thread*

Steely

Could the Wellbutrin have anything to do with your feelings of not feeling real and not recognising people trying to talk? Anti-depressants can sometimes produce this sort of stuff in some individuals. Have you spoken with your prescribing doctor about these feelings? Good to hear that you feel comfortable not using. I really think you should talk to your doctor about these feelings of unreality.

lisatryingagain

Its good that you are talking with your sponsor every day. Believe your sponsor when they say you are doing good. Well done not using, be proud of yourself.

PurpleKnight

6 Months of Sobreity is nothing to take lightly, that's an acheivement in anyone's book!!

. . . as is reaching out for support when you need it, SR is here for you!!

Soberwolf

6 months is excellent

suicideseason

Im not taking any meds, it makes me scared to take them again. I talked to a therapist she say I need meds but idk

Dee74

My congrats on 6 months too SS.

I understand your reluctance for meds, but it must be incredibly wearying fighting all this without any help, yeah?

D

suicideseason

I wouldnt say Im fighting, Im just 'going' through it. Im getting more worried as a place to stay than meds at the moment. Sometime they might be good I dont really know I guess I havent had a good experience with meds yet. Im a ******* drug addict head and I have accepted it.

Dee74

Wishing you the best for a place to stay too. I was nearly homeless a few years back - I put out all the feelers I could and found a place in 2 weeks so it's not impossible

D

fantail

SS, are you ready for the job interview? That could be a good step out of your situation. Congratulations on 7 months drug free... that's a big deal.

suicideseason

the interview sucked. I was early the guy came out and said he doesnt have the stuff to conduct a interview to come back tuesday, at 4pm. which is ass, I had to walk an hour to get there. Its whatever.

suicideseason

I hate to sound like Im hopeless or a broken record but I am doing everything i can and try to have patience and faith in others and Its falling short. Not realising Im real sometimes helps with patience I aint annoying about it, it gives people time. But I dont know. Did step 12 in n.a. last night and I really dont have faith in a higher power, I notice I dont really even believe in god. I have to believe in myself.

courage2

SS, I'm rooting for you! Been following you since you first came on here. I know you've been pretty messed up and you don't feel the progress you've made -- but you *are* getting better, I can read it in your posts. For some of us it takes a long time to feel the changes.

Stay straight, keep working those steps -- including a 10th step -- every day, and ask for help when you need it . A good place to ask is in the AA community. Above all, stay straight. Nothing is an excuse for a relapse now.

thomas11

Hi SS, no doubt you are going through some crap. I would say you dodged a major bullet in your drug dealing activity. Hopefully a lesson learned and you can appreciate how lucky you are. Pounds of meth will get you a nice stint, and it sounds like you have kids? No appetite and no sleep is a clear sign you are unsettled. I can understand that. Regarding a job, do you have a car? Is there a temp agency within 20 miles you can go to? I know its a last resort, but its money.

teatreeoil007

I imagine right now you have very few CHOICES left in your life. And that can be a real yucky place to be...likely you feel the odds are stacked against you and that's also a yucky place to be....So then, what are you left with? What are the things you DO have a 'say' in? Hang on to staying straight no matter what and hang on to that like you're holding on for your life. Do whatever is within your power to do (which may feel like not much right now) and also stay straight in the legal sense.

thomas11

TT ,makes a great point. You still have some CHOICES. Those may be gone soon. Wish you well.

suicideseason

I have kids I went to a temp labor place today its within walking distance. I need to look into my license still, everytime I go their busy and I dont want my ride to wait forver so i cut it short. I have a truck lined up if they ever put a transmission in it. I have yet to do step work, it was just a book meeting reading the 12th step. The only thing I would say I have a say in, is my sobriety which is all I can think of. Im at the will of everyone and everything else. I need a surgery for my hernia its pretty bad. Thats it with choices Id say.

courage2

Thatsituation can be sometimes frightening, sometimes maddening, sometimes sad -- but sometimes an awesome opportunity to recover from the ground up.

On your side, SS --

suicideseason

Thanks

Soberwolf

Is your hernia being treated ?