Tetra

Hello all,
I am looking for advice and every one here has always been so good to me.

Well I'm 35 years old and I have been sober on and off. I had over one year and I relapsed and now I'm coming up to one year again. I live with my parents by the way.

Now that I'm feeling better about myself I have found myself to be interested in dating again. My 20s were a disaster and now I'm making up for lost time.

A while ago I met a guy, an Irish lad but it didn't work out for one reason or another.

I have since started Internet dating. I enjoy getting dressed up, and socialising which I never did before. I met a guy who I really really like but I'm afraid that my parents will not approve as he is from Iran originally. I can be quite serious and he makes me laugh a lot and he is very sweet. He already is an Irish citizen so no problem there.

The thing is that I'm always worried about what my parents will think, even though I'm 35. My sister was married to a guy from Eastern Europe and it did not work out. He was a bully and there were problems from the start.

The thing is that I have been lying to my parents for fear of their reaction. They believe I'm still with the Irish guy and I chose to let them believe that. My now boyfriend will be back in three weeks and I think he would like us to be together properly.

I do not think they will approve plus they will be angry that I lied.

Is there any way I can fix this?

I really do like him and he told me he feels the same.

Tetra

I know it is what alcoholics do: lie.
But truthfully I would find it difficult to break their hearts all over again.
Plus they can be quite old fashioned and wouldn't approve of internet dating.

fini

yes, Tetra, i think it's as bad as it seems.

not your lying, but your fear of your parents and your need for their approval that seems to determine how you live.

it's not their hearts i'm concerned about;
it's yours.
your spirit.

Tetra

Well I suppose I feel like I owe them something.
They took me back in when I was at my lowest and that has been mentioned to me before.

Midwest1981

I don't think I would tell them until you were sure it was going to be a long lasting relationship.

I wouldn't worry about it for now since he won't be there for another three weeks...then I would spend time with him (go out and have fun) and see how it goes from there.

Jsbodhi

I've never dated an Iranian guy, but I've wanted to, the ones I know are great to have conversations with xoxo ( super hot too )

I've always kinda done what I wanted despite what people think; and I'm very romantic.
So my advice would be to just tell your parents the truth eventually ( doesn't have to be right now) and let the chips fall where they may

It's your life, and maybe they'll come around- if he's not a bully like your sister's ex and treats you well, hopefully they'll see that and accept him
They might totally freak out at first, but maybe just try understand where they're coming from and let them have a spazz out; then calmly tell them that you love them and respect them, but that this is a decision you've made for yourself and you're feeling really happy and excited for it!
If they don't come around, you'll just have to try and live with it

Best wishes Tetra, falling in love is one of life's most wonderful experiences
Xoxo
Keep us posted!

Dee74

I think you're old enough now to make your own decisions - with or without your parents consent Tetra

You're not doing this to break your parents hearts. If they react that way, I'm afraid that's their problem.

Making your life choices is all about you - not making them for fear of someone else's reaction really would be tragic.

D

trachemys

You can start telling the truth, selectively. You don't have to tell them you lied to them. You just have to start being truthful.

ALinNS

Honesty can be desperate hard to practice, at least for me. Most of my life was high level Corporate Finance and it was drilled into my brain to tell people only what they need to know (staff/clients/auditors people up the food chain), it's a real battle for me at times to this day.

I am a single parent although my kids are 26/24 (boy and girl), I support whatever decision they make and they have always been honest of me, I personally do not judge color or race, I have always told them if it makes you happy (relationship) embrace it as it could be the one.

I reflect on a recent episode where I had fallen in love with a lady, we dated five months then I relapsed and I know why, she doesn't drink (doesn't like it) so it never came up and I did not tell her my history. God that was a mistake that almost took the lady of my dreams. She said to me something that struck, well many things actually, she said even if I may not have liked to hear of your weakness, wouldn't you rather tell me yourself when you were sober?, it will come out sooner or later and when it does it will have far less if any impact at all because I will know. I sat her down after being apart for 5 weeks on New Years eve, we talked for over five hours and I told her everything, so relieved as it takes a lot of energy to hide things and my energy is best spent on recovery and living life.

You know your parents better than any of us, If I was your dad, I would rather know sooner than later and let the chips fall where they may. They may be mad at first but you are going to have to tell them someday. I don't/will not tell you what to do but the above is my thoughts and experiences.

All the best and stay close to here so we can help you should things go sideways, I follow my heart and I hope my own kids do as well, so far I know they do.

All the best
Andrew

Trees39

Hi Tetra,

They don't need to know the whole story as its your story and only your business.

So to keep the peace and lessen their worry tell them the truth and what they would understand and feel okay about.

You've ended it with Irish guy... For whatever reason, ran its course etc

You've meet a new guy, you first met in a coffee shop .. (Insert time you meet face to face)

He's an Irish citizen and his parents are from Iran.
You'd like to see more of each other.
You are not ready to introduce him, you will see how it goes as its early days.

The truth, and allows you your privacy that your are entitled to.

Lots of family can be judgemental so up to you to manage the information and judgement.

learningagain

I agree with much of what is said above. I think waiting a while is not a bad thing, see how things go and then discuss it with them, once you are certain and he is certain. Maybe discuss with him too first, see what his reaction is to you telling your parents/introducing him - you can get a feel of a guy from how they react to meeting the family

Otherwise, just enjoy and see how it goes. Hopefully if you are happy, your parents will be happy for you. Ultimately it is your life and your choice

brynn

(((Tetra))) I dont know if I can add anything more. Loads of great advice here and all right on the mark.

I would add that your parents have seen the changes in you. You're not the same girl you were a year ago and they know that. You've proven yourself to be responsible and sensible and they trust you again. They might worry....it's what parents do....but they know you've got a good head on your shoulders.

suicideseason

If I was you..... I would just be like straight up. Hey, so I'm not seeing so and so who you thought I was. Briefly if at all explain what happened, and just be like theres another guy i like go from there, give em abit about what you like or how he is. And just go with it. Not a big deal, not to undermine your feelings, I think Im a relationship pro for other people, just not myself . If you like him theres really, nothing they can do about it.
I dated ablack girl, im white as hell. About 8 years ago. I was told my grand parents would probably be racist, as they grew up around americas racism, they were quite frankly real accepting.

Ruby2

Tetra, I don't think you need to bring this up yet with your parents until you know whether your friend wishes to get serious. However, if you do tell them you've got a raft of good advice already here.

Dating is hard but honesty is the best policy. With him, with your parents, with yourself. See how things shake out when he returns. If he's not met your friends, introduce them first. They could give you better insight.

Hugs to you.

fantail

I think the best practice is to conscientiously avoid playing into their racism or whatever else it is that they might hold against this person. Don't give them special concessions, and don't go out of your way to protect them. This early on in the relationship, if it wouldn't be their business if you were with a white Irish [insert type of Christian] guy, it shouldn't be their business now either. If you would be talking to them about it if you were dating that guy, then yes, talk about this boyfriend too.

You can leave out the internet dating part safely I think But when it comes to letting people decide whether your guy will be a good or bad partner based on where he comes from, when you try to protect their feelings you're in a way condoning them. I know it's hard because it's your parents. But also try to do right by your boyfriend (once you determine that the relationship has legs).

Good luck. Sounds like a really good situation though, other than the parents.

Soberwolf

For me D said it perfectly

Carlotta

I think you should tell them the truth. If you cannot do that then do him a favor and don't string him along while covering your relationship.

A) If you start lying, sooner or later the stress of the situation will bring you down and might get you closer to a drink. From your past posts, you don't perform very well under pressure.

B) You are a grown woman and it's not like this guy is an axe murderer or a serial rapist. You are the one who is going to sleep with him not your parents.

C) Personally, I always try to treat people like I would like to be treated. Try to walk in his shoes for a minute. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and while he liked you he was scared to introduce you to his parents and would tell them he is still seeing his ex girlfriend?
Would it feel good?
Would you feel secure as a woman?
Would you be ok with that knowing that it closes the door to a deeper commitment?
Would you feel like he is a truthful, caring partner or would you be really hurt that he is acting as if he ashamed of you?
This is not just about you and about pleasing your parents. He is a person and he has feelings too.

saoutchik

I remember that it was only a short while ago that you mentioned that he was being pressured by his family to marry someone else so I would be inclined to give the relationship a bit more time in order that you are satisfied that he means to commit. Once you are satisfied in that regard then I would tell your parents and ask him to do the same

ubntubnt

Ah, the overprotective and slightly insular Irish Mammies. I still laugh when I think back to the time I brought back my first girlfriend to Dublin at Xmas to meet the parents, I hadn't told them she was Jamaican. Then a couple of years later I got engaged to a Japanese before marrying an English woman. 20 years on they still harbour the dream of me "settling down" and "getting established" in Ireland with an Irish wife. I think its pretty hotwired into Irish Mammies's heads, probably given the history of immigration over the decades.

That said, what the posters here have said is right. Your parents love you and just want to see you happy. But they can't live your life for you, you are free to take your own decisions and make your own mistakes. Thats what life is. Personally I think its fine to treat your bf as if he were Irish, introduce him to your parents and move on from there. It may be a good idea to give them a heads up though that he is not Irish (no need to elaborate) if you think this is important. If they flip out and don't want to meet him, then fair enough, continue dating him until they realise its serious and they will in time reach out to you and him.

Behan

Like with all events that life throws at us, I would try to see this as a challenge. Can you negotiate the complexities of this developing relationship as a sober adult? Can you question/explore the need for parental approval and/or fear of disapproval? What are you entitled to keep private from family members?

This situation presents a big challenge in your personal development and in living the sober life. Best of luck!

B